Sydney

Okay so first, to another weekend in Vancouver - I met with friends on Friday night - It had been two and a half weeks since I had been out for a drink and I was chomping at the bit for a particular tuna dish that they have Downtown. It was an array of friends, someone from Russia, Poland, Colombia and of course me. Our table was directly underneath the speaker - which was clearly at maximum volume making it very hard to hear conversation.

It wasn't the easiest night to be fair - the night life culture here is a little strange and it's hardly easy to meet new people - and I have heard that said by many people. Things improved somewhat yesterday when I went to a barbecue and we sat and watched 'Hereafter' - I had no clue what this movie was about and was very impressed by it. I highly recommend you see it if you get the chance.

I've just spent the last two hours in between laundry watching 'The White Ribbon' - again no idea what it was about and a little disturbing to be fair - I didn't come to any conclusion at the end except to surmise how odd human behavior is sometimes.

Which takes me now back to the Slovenian.

Of course he made it onto the bus - I was very happy about that - the only odd thing was that my friend was incapable of giving us any space to breathe - or should I say 'me any space to breathe'. I wish I could give you some anecdote of how wondrous our first kiss was - how he had swept me off my feet and left me breathless - it was really nothing like that. He was a hapless 27 year old and like most guys at that age, I don't really think he knew anything other than his basic instinct - very charming though - with his travel tales and ability to speak many languages - and a smile that literally used to make me go weak at the knees - FOR REAL!!!! :) I won't go into details of intimacy - truthfully because I can't remember - but I can say that the most intimate moments with him were when we were fully clothed :) I will not share as they are sacred moments.

The ride to Sydney took place overnight - it was a good 10 hour ride and I was happy to be back there - we ended up at a local McDonalds for breakfast and by this point I think his patience with my friend was wearing thin - he clearly observed my need for healthy boundaries earlier than I ever did. We then ended up staying at a hostel that I had not been to before and the newness of it felt rather uncomfortable - the previous one was a lot cleaner and brighter but we sucked it up and stayed for one night.

He was amazed that I had not already seen Sydney Harbour - my friend had - but those first few days in Sydney, I had been otherwise engaged and hadn't ventured there yet. We hung out in Hyde Park - baking the sun - doing the things that 'young' couples do - laughing, joking, holding hands, snogging - and she still wouldn't go away and give us time together - in fact she had taken to holding my hand when we walked anywhere - whilst he held the other - OMG - where was my head at - I hadn't said a word.

We were in our honeymoon phase - walking with him and seeing Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House is definitely up there in my Top Ten Best Moments - he had a smile that made me go giddy :) We were sickly - sharing strawberries, pizza, sipping on each others drinks and just consumed in that feeling of love. We managed to shake my friend off - she went to Bondi for 5 days - it was lovely to get her out of my hair - our hair - not gonna lie. So we took a trip to Manly and Bondi too and I kid you not, people just used to stop and stare at the both of us - comment - and say how awesome we looked with each other - it was so cute.

But you know what it's like - those first days are awesome - and then all your 'stuff' rears it's ugly head and as much as I had come to adore him, I also felt that he was suffocating me - it's hard for me to be with any one person 24/7 - regardless of how hot or interesting they may be :) I've always been one of these people that values my own space - needs to balance and anchor - in addition to that ten years ago I was particularly paranoid, insecure and had no real idea of who I was.

So slowly but surely I became unhinged - it was completely out of my control - layers and layers were just peeling away. The night of his birthday he had had to go to the internet cafe to pick up his emails - something that I was never very fond of doing - he hadn't seen me and it was not something I had planned to do but when I walked up to see how much longer he would be, I saw a huge kick ass heart on the computer screen with some message about how much he was 'missed and can't wait to see you again'.

I was devastated - and said NOTHING!!!!! Not a dickie bird - and of course that threw me into a spin - I was not out of control and my powers of discernment and gut had left me. 

We had sat and watched 'Bridget Jones' Diary' which threw up more doubt and then he dropped on me that he had to leave and was going back up the coast - Okay - so I understand that he had his trip to fulfil but it was the last thing that I wanted to hear. I remember how one time he had told me that he was going for a swim, I had thought that this would be an awesome time to do my laundry - when I went down to the laundry room, there he was sitting in the corner on the payphone. He saw me - I saw him and walked passed him as if he were the invisible man.

I again said nothing - because I was so afraid of what he might say.

Oddly enough we sat and watched TV at the hostel downstairs - used to drive me insane actually down there - like I was trapped in a cage and bursting to get outside - I used to run up the stairs at times and neck a gin and tonic and run back down :) Madness!!!!! We were watching a Madonna concert - I'll never forget the song that she sung - the words were deafeningly poignant - the impending doom was palpable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDl7ZwEXBSE

Listening to it again - gives me chills.

My friend had done her bit too to add to the confusion - she had spoken to him one time - just one time - and 'jokingly' said that I was 'easy' - like really? - women are so cruel to each other - He looked at me with a doubt I had not seen before in the 5 minutes that it took me to get back from the washroom. Writing, I am still not convinced that her actions were from a 'good' place - if only I could rewind back to that point in my life.  

She left Sydney in fact Australia the next day - with her seeds planted - He had asked me that same night how I could be friends with someone like that - never mind the content of what she had said - her intention was clear.

I think it was the next day or the day after that he left - I had left him at the train station - he had left me with a map of all the places I had to visit while he was away - he was due back in little over a month and then we would go from there - this is where it began - I broke down - every little part of me - playing over and over what had happened in the last week and me, alone back at the hostel in Sydney.

Okay - that's about as far as I can go with this today - Coronation Street is on :)