Freaks, Geeks and Muscle Men

Yes - you've guessed it, I fell victim to the Vancouver nightlife again on Saturday night :)

But first, although there has been movement on the job front, I have still not managed to secure a position where the interviewer can actually show me a room with a window or look me in the eye as she is interviewing me. I was totally sold on Role 1 until she showed me the 4 walled room that looked like a prison cell, illuminated by 100 flourescent light bulbs and not a wall painting in site. After having watched a few episodes of 'Locked Up - Raw', I could not see how this would differ from what those prisoners go through - in fact even they get natural light. It was horrid - she must have seen the shock in my face as she took me around the floor - I could literally feel the shackles taking hold of my ankles. I could not get out of there fast enough.

Then the second interview for Role 2 was worse - she was 15 minutes late without an apology - she didn't have a copy of my resume to hand - told me it was an inside sales role for which I would have to make 100 calls a day and then proceeded to ask me shallow questions about my career to date that she was reading from her computer screen. Not once did she engage in 'present' communication where she looked me in the eye and was enagaged. After 20 minutes, I just looked at her and said that it was not the right role for me - in other words - let's cut this short and not waste each others time any longer. Mortified!!!! It's no wonder recruiters get a bad rap!!!! 

So we girls ventured out on Saturday night - I may have mentioned already that my friend is heading back to Colombia - so we headed out to her favourite spot. It is renowned for being a 'cougar's den' but you know what, it is always a fun night out and you get all walks of life in there from the married couples on a romantic dinner for two to the downright outrageous pensioners who are just trying to get their leg - in fact I'm sure you can guess what they're trying to do - oh and not forgetting medallion man - every Saturday night this spot has at least one medallion man! :) Just standing still on the spot, you are guaranteed to get hit on at least 10 times during the course of the evening. So we had dinner and then stepped across to what is commonly known as the snake pit.

Now I think about it, it's almost like that scene from 'Only Fools and Horses' - you know the one where Trigger is wearing that blue suit I think he and Delboy are both staring at the chicks in the bar - Del leans back at the bar unaware that the barman has lifted up the gate thing and he goes down like a domino - smack - hard on the floor :) Well to sum up, that's what some of the guys in there look like. Some are smoking hot, some are too cool for skool, some are barely 20, but everyone and I mean everyone is there for a good time - and almost all of them get up to dance when Michael Jackson is played on the juke box :)

So anyway - we went over to the snake pit and propped ourselves at the grand piano - seemed like a good a place as any - a great vantage point to see what was happening - guys moving in for the kill - dirty dancing on the dancefloor and then you always get those vulture types don't you that hang around the edge of the crowd and then make the move when the woman is suitably drunk and can't see the wood for the trees - yes oh yes, this is what it is like here in Vancouver too :)

I had to give kudos to this little guy that came up and spoke to me after trying to catch my attention on the dance floor - I say little because he hardly had a pick of meat on his bones - tiny little thing - but he made up for it with his personality. From Montreal and only in town a few weeks, he was ripe pickings and was there with his meetup.com group. He was still very much in awe of the place and only happy to get me a drink after I had managed to spill the second glass of red wine of the evening. I think I had the slipperties because I had asked the Archangels to stop me from drinking too much - asked them to give me a sign so that I wouldn't have to spend the whole on my Sunday horizontal and on my couch swearing off booze for the rest of my life. But did I take heed? Of course not! Down went the whiskey - yes whiskey and of course now I had turned into the 'polite but obnoxious little monster' that I can be after a few beverages. Woe betide anyone who tries to chat me up when I'm in that state. And I gotta tell you that for some reason when I'm like this, the English accent really does scare people off. I don't get it!?!

So once the little one had departed, guy 2 made his move after watching the whole sketch - 'Can't believe that you managed to keep a smile on your face the whole time that you were talking to him' - that was his opener. Why what does he think? That I am a complete a-hole? - "Well as a matter of fact 'Mr I wish I had a house in the Hamptons' I actually enjoyed his company". So on he went to bore me with the glad tidings of his bank account, how many houses he bought and sold, his failed marriage ana how he thinks he has funny eyes. Yep - all in all killer lines and of course I am seeing him again this week - NOT!!!!!!

It was 1am - bored and tired, I was ready to call it a night and go home - but my girlies ended up chatting to a couple of dudes who go there quite regularly - one of them used to play for NFL or something like that - so as you can imagine, he could have picked me up with one finger and put me in his mouth whole like Jaws. So it turned out that we were going to head Downtown with them and try and get into another hot spot where girls walk around with their LV bags - yes, I know I nearly became one of them :) - and douse themselves in Angel perfume so that you can't control the gag reflex as you pass one of them and get a whiff.

So I gave both of the dudes the chat - 'try anything funky and I kid you not, I will take you down!!' - not sure what I thought I would take them down with - but I was adamant :) Absolutely no funny business and absolutely no funny moves. So we got to the foot of the stairs and the guy that had caught my eye and I had caught his too, finally said something to me - now you talk???? Grrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

So we got to the guy's car - not gonna lie - it was a nice car - BMW - convertible and yes you guessed it, I was now that person - you know the ones who are in the top down cars with the music blasting out of them for the whole neighbourhood to hear? - I was mortified. There were times when I kid you not he went from 0 to 100 kph in what seemed like 3 seconds and I thought I was gonna barf. But the real kicker - oh yes, the real kicker was - you must have seen it - Bridget Jones in the first movie when Hugh Grant (can't recall his name in the movie) takes her to the country and she loses the scarf wrapped around her head and her hair looks like candy floss by the time they get to the hotel - well that is what we all looked like - like the Munsters. Not an attractive look - have you every tried to run a comb through your hair after an event like that? Almost impossible.

It was a complete cattle market in there - Trixie, Dixie and Lixie were on the town and I don't mean us - it was wall to wall silicone and mini-skirts - not a decent lengthed skirt in site and the guys didn't know where to look. Like sardines in a can, we squeezed and shuffled to the bar - and managed to find a seat to sit down. I legged it to the washroom so that I could fix my hair and by the time I came back up, Mr NFL had hit some point of paranoia and had convinced himself that we as a group were talking about him. Coupled with what looked like a call girl with a fake Chanel clinging to the short guy's collar, I really did think it was time for me to go home. Okay, I fess up - I'm too old for all this $hit. I have more chance of getting asked by Bradley Cooper than I do of finding Mr Right in this kinda place - and what with the strap of my friend's shoe about to give way, we left. Left the madness and mayhem and caught a cab home.

All I could think about was McDonald's chips when I got home - but instead I had to console myself with a Quinoa concoction and finally fell asleep only to be woken by the birds and sunshine two hours later and a hand to my forehead as I was reminded of the drinks I had consumed. Not pretty :(

So there you have it - my weekend.

I am of course very much up to speed with Corr'rs and Eastenders and really must go now as 'The Bachelorette' is on and I have already missed 20 minutes of it.

I have attached the link for 'Only Fools and Horses' - the old ones really are the best :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IBgk05iL3Y

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

There are at least four people on this planet that have the power to stir emotions in me that rise from the very seat of my soul, deep within my core and expand to every cell in my body in just milliseconds - they are of course my family.

I have been stirred by events that took place this weekend to write about them - my Dad, my Mom, my Brother and my Nephew.

I remember coming back to Vancouver from my trip to the UK earlier this year - realizing then that I am invincible in the sense that I have a foundation beneath me that has risen from the security and love of my family. They are the people in my life that define my most sensitive and strongest of traits - for whom I feel that I could literally tear limbs - and I know that sounds very dramatic - but listening to the events of the weekend stirred that same passion that I have felt from when I was a very little girl, when I would stand there and cry and ask, in fact plead that my Brother not be told off or disciplined with a little tap on his backside - but that my parents do that to me instead - that I cushion his pain and protect him.

We all have moments when we wish that our parents could be different and I know that when my spiritual journey first began, I berated my parents a lot for all of their 'misgivings' and the things that they could have done differently. I even came across a letter that I had written to my mother just three years ago - a list of all the things that she had done 'wrong' - to read that this weekend and not feel that way anymore was a true testament to my growth.

Coming through the gates at Heathrow Airport, having stood for half an hour talking to my Mom on the phone, not wanting to let go of them, it hit me, the greatest gift from the Divine that has empowered every single day when I remember - "I am loved, loved beyond any doubt. That love shields me, that love protects me, that love makes me stronger, that love gives me a name and a role in my life that is the most important, that love empowers me, and that love gives me riches beyond any two carat diamond, yacht, or mansion that you could find in any plane of existence".

I am in my life more grateful for that love than I am of anything that life has bestowed on me - because you see from that I can see the tools that I have that have enabled me to travel through this journey we call life.

My Family went to a wedding this weekend - someone very close to us in terms of relationship  - but people that have had nothing but the green eye for us since we were both very small children. It's hard to imagine that when your parents have toiled and created, from their hard work, courage and initiative, a life that is comfortable and secure, that people that share the same blood and lineage have a jealousy toward them - I can't help but feel after all of the episodes of 'The Real Housewives of OC, NYC and Beverly Hills' that I have watched over the last few weeks, that what these family members did during the course of that weekend was nothing short of bullying.

Yes bullying - that desire to punish and hurt - to dis-empower and to make someone feel 'less than' just so that you can feel better about yourselves. As my Mom told me about the events on the phone, I just sat here and burst out crying as I felt the pain that my Dad will have gone through and experienced as he drove home alone cos those b&stards that we call family didn't share the car with him, and those same b&stards that stood there huddled in conversation and ignored my Mom as she stood in the same kitchen with them. No different from the way that I have been treated in numerous workplaces in my life. And it was so easy to think that there was something wrong with me - but I had a realization this morning that the poison that these people drink when they feel these feelings and act this way really can only lead me to send them love so that they may grow.

As in the words of Oprah - 'when you know better - you do better'.

So this has led me to write some words about these four most important 'Beings' in my life :))

My Dad - to this day he has never told me in words that he loves me - never!!!! However, his actions and the gift of allowing me my freedom after being parented so strictly speaks volumes. My favourite photo in the whole world is one of me barely 9 months old, holding a pair of brown sunglasses - wearing a cute white dress, with a baby blue cardi with a red trim and white tights - and I am there nestled in the crook of my Dad's arm - could I have been any safer? :) My Dad is standing there in a suit, guys dressed that way back then - all dapper and slick - as my friend calls it 'in his threads'. A life that starts in such innocence as my Mom probably stood there and called out my name so that I would look into the lens. Picture perfect.

It took 30 something years for me to have a true idea of what emotions lay beneath my Dad's quiet and often composed exterior. We were sitting right here in this room watching the Punjabi channel on TV - I never ever watch it when I am here alone but of course it totally resonates when my parents are in town. I was sat on the floor with my back supported by the couch and I looked down at my Dad's hands and figured that he needed a little manicure of sorts - well more of a trim. So out came my tools - nail trimmers and scissors - and I had succumbed to my task while he sat and watched TV. Next thing I know as song came on - the singer is a Punjabi icon and even though I don't know 75 percent of what he is saying, the words tug at my heart strings - Gurdas Maan - he is a legend in my culture. I have heard the song only a few times before but I knew the moment he began to sing and by the look in my Mom's eye that something huge was about to take place - huge in the emotional sense and I could feel myself tighten up in apprehension. As the song played out, my Dad cupped my face in his hands and cried so so hard - it was like watching a waterfall crashing on his plush cheeks and dropping one by one onto his jumper. He then brought me close to him and kissed me on my cheeks one after the other after the other. The song tells the tale of a father's love for his daughter and how he loves her, so much so that he wants to bestow all his good fortune onto her so that she may have it - all of it.

Sometimes actions really are stronger than words - and that is a moment that is tucked away in my heart and will exist for ever and ever. There are two things that my Dad always says to me when I leave home to come back to Vancouver - be strong and be brave - I hear those words often when I am alone here. He is funny too - says things with such innocence and simplicity - the way toddlers do and that just speaks to the innocence of his heart - because one thing I admire most about my Dad is that I have never ever heard him throw a slur at anyone my whole life - not a bad thread in him. Like my friend said to me 'a gentle man' :)


My Mom - well my Mom is definitely the more vocal of my parents - she can say words that cut like a knife but also thrill you with her words of encouragement - and will and does say 'I love you'. She is that Mommy that can make a tin of cooked Heinz Baked Beans taste better than any beans you have ever tasted - and conditions your clothes so that you can smell the fragrance months later when you finally unwrap the clothes to wear them. She's cute in a way that is actually hard to articulate - eyes like an eagle, the instinct of a tigeress and you simply cannot, even with all your might, pull the wool over here eyes. She has a sixth sense that I jokingly say would make her a wonderful detective. But I can't help but think that all mothers are like that with their children.

Leaving the UK in February had the added nuisance that instead of from Manchester, I was leaving from Heathrow - and the flight time meant that we would have to drive down in the very early hours. I simply couldn't put them through that - and then the drive back - so I said I would get the bus. But - as ever, the blessed little Princess that I am, while out they decided to fill up the tank of petrol in the car and drive me down. I was choked when they told me at the dinner table - but I could not bring myself to bring them that much discomfort - it was not fair - they're not spring chickens anymore and I can take the 4 hour drive down. It's never a pretty scene when they leave me at the station or take me to the airport - or when I drop them off here at Vancouver Airport - I kid you not, I bubble like a 6 year old - I cry so hard that I cannot breathe and then looking at them just starts me off again.

My Mom did something this time that is a moment that will be etched in my heart and mind forever - and I will play it back forever - I had taken my seat in the bus and they were walking back to the car to head home. As the lights came on in the bus, they could see me from behind the fence and my cousin was waving at me through the gaps - he told my Mom that I was there - and my Mom ran - she ran to the fence and stretched her hand out and waved at me - she ran to catch those last few seconds of me as the bus drove away  out of sight - that is a thing that only a Mom could do. And yes, of course, you guessed it, tears poured for at least half an hour.

My Brother - as one lady once said to me, as children, it was as if we were from the same flame. We were then and still are now very very close - to the point that I can feel his emotion all these miles away and a simple glance is an acknowledgement and knowing that cannot be explained in words. As children we would sit jammed up next to each other on school photos,  with our heads tilted towards each others - and as we have grown we have shared a bond that I wish for all siblings. He has a charisma and draw very different from my own - he is the one that gets 30 plus cards on his birthday and presents galore from his team mates. He shouts at the top of his voice when his team is losing in football and has an anger switch that goes from zero to a hundred in a split second.

It is the bond that we have shared from childhood that I believe has led me to feel such an immense amount of guilt as what appears to be 'my abandoning him'. The first time I felt that way was when I was at Uni - he was already going through some turmoil and then on top of that I was leaving too to head back to another year of school. I think it was then that my Brother shut down a little toward me, in some way my leaving devastated him to the point that he just didn't let me back in again - he just didn't want to deal with that pain again. I had just reversed the car back off the drive when he stood there in tears and begged me not to go - he held out his hand and gave me a little treasure of his - a little Bambi that had been given to him by a friend because of his nick name - I knew how much it meant to him.

Bambi sits now on my altar - he is in his own special nook with the crystals and other little trinket that my Brother gave me of Pocahontas. And now whenever I am leaving him, he just bear hugs me with all his might - squeezes me with all his love - and without looking me in the eye, he walks away - because I honestly think he can't bear to see me leave.

This time I came back, more than any before, I have asked God to take me back home soon. Back to my loved ones - it makes no sense to be here anymore when my pulse is 4000 miles away. I have done what I came here to do - to heal - and now that road simply has to lead me back - back to where I began - but obviously not the same person at all - or maybe I am the same person - just a lot more aware and more authentic and definitely with a lot more comfort in my own skin. Don't they say that if you love someone, set them free and if they are yours', they will come back. For fear of sounding like a cheesy song, my family have certainly allowed me to spread my wings :)))))

This brings me last but definitely not least to the fourth - the newest and sparkliest jewel in my life:

My Nephew - aka the 'Little Monkey'. Now of course there are not a lot of memories that I can draw from here - a few that spring to mind are holding him just a few hours after he was born - he felt like a couple of bags of sugar in my hands and I knew then that this little guy was going to have a power over me as he grew that meant that he would have everything he ever wished for. I have a gazillion photos splattered on my fridge and sitting on my TV of this little guy - he has the face of an Angel and eyelashes that any super model would kill for :)

The last time I was home, he managed to find a packet of fruit pastilles in the bottom drawer of the cooker and of course, he is not allowed sweets yet. He did the rounds in the front room from his own Mom and Dad and then to his grandparents in an attempt to get this packet opened. I think he kinda knew he wasn't going to get his way - so his last pit stop was me. He came pounding over as fast as his little legs could carry him with the packet of sweets dangling from his fingers and shoved them in my hands and pleaded with his eyes for me to open them. Of course there was no way that I could open them for him and with my anxiety increasing because my insides were praying that he wouldn't cry or hate me forever and ever, I gently explained to him that I couldn't do it - with a shake of my head I picked up his little body and planted him on my knees and told him that he wasn't allowed. He made a little sound in acknowledgment of my pain and went on his merry way and this was our very first exchange - non-verbal communication and my only wish here is that in some way and on some plane, he is able to feel the overwhelming buckets of love that are poured his way every single day that he has been in our lives.

So there you go - I feel like I have rambled for ages and am really really hungry now - there are crowds of people shouting and bibbing their car horns outside at 10pm at night as the Canucks, the local hockey team, has just won in the play offs. Not sure what that really means - but it is good news for the city. They are through to the next round.

My friend sent me a quote by email a few days ago and I am going to share it here now - hope he doesn't mind. It very neatly ties up some of my sentiment right now:

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Friedrich Nietzsche.

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The shift

"The bigger the struggle - the greater the triumph".

I knew it as clear as crystal this morning that something has shifted for me. I woke up naturally at 6am as bright as a button with the sun beaming in through my window and the birds tweeting outside.

Last week in my haze, I had a sense that I should go and have a sound healing session with Matthew Kocel - I think I have attached his link to the front page so you can sample some of his work. At $100 for 90 minutes, I was going back and forth in my head trying to justify the payment. And then like a sign from heaven, a girl that has actually done some Reiki work on me before called me asking if I knew anyone that could do some work on her. Well that was it - I booked the session and went along there yesterday.

I struggled with the early morning get up as I have a 'snooze' button addiction some mornings, but I got there on time. I had to go into East Vancouver, certainly not miles from where I live, but the minute you are somewhere new and out of the ordinary, it feels like a different city to me. There are so many little pockets of diversity here in Vancouver, not unlike home. So I parked up and walked to the back of the house at 640 and was met with a door that was about three quarters the size of a regular door - It was like being in hobbit territory in Lord of the Rings. Inside, it was the most beautiful space and red hot with the fire burning in the corner.

I don't know if you have ever been to a 'healer' but the minute I get the permission to talk, I am on one - verbal diarrhea :) So I just let rip for about 10 minutes with all my 'out there' tales that I knew would fall on understanding ears. In the 90 minutes that I was there, he did some work to re-align my meridians, my body - best way to describe it is to raise your hands above your head and put them in prayer position - if the wrist markings on both wrists do not align, then you are out of alignment which then puts a strain on your muscles. Of course his intuition had a huge role in the session - and then he released the tension in my neck muscles - by pinching them so hard that they have to release. I kid you not, I am in so much pain today with little twinges here and little aches there. One more day of this and it'll be right. Then at the end of the session Matthew tones with his shell and of course cos you are so chilled at that stage, the sound vibrates through the whole of your body - it's the most amazing feeling - a drug like state without all the chemicals. It is in moments like this when I feel so close to the Big Man upstairs that my heart feels like it could explode with pick confetti :) And there are happy tears.

So glad I went :) I also had an email from another friend a few weeks ago - this 'thing' has been going on for years and was started by a medicine woman who connects with the Archangels - the Archangels are welcomed into your home on a certain day with a white flower, a candle and an apple, and sent to people in groups of three - it may sound hokey to some, but I have had a candle lit in their honour since the weekend and my wishes neatly tucked in an envelope next to a Peace Lilly on my table - if nothing else, it creates such a peaceful ambience in my home.

And guess what? There is movement on the job front - and more than that, we are forecasted to have 21 degree heat on Friday. OMG there is no place on earth like Vancouver in the sun - I know I have said that before. So we are all sharing a sense of optimism :) I was further reminded of my blessings today when I watched this link that a friend had sent me. Don't watch it if you are one of the faint hearted - essentially it is about 'human trafficking' - a topic that really does appall me. But we can all send light and love and prayers right????

Okay - bedtime for me ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKzDtYJR2b4&feature=youtu.be

Stepford Moms

Somehow on Friday night, I landed in my own personal nightmare - or perhaps it just felt that way in the moment. And please do not misunderstand me, I have nothing against newborns, new moms or those 'Stepford Homes' in the suburbs with the minimalist look with no colour 'cept beige and flat screen tv's on the wall.

Let me begin first of all in the afternoon when I went to a well known retailer in search of baby clothes - a gift for the lovely new baby. It was the right thing to do - there is no way on earth that I could pitch up to someone's house empty handed. So I found the newborn section - in fact the sale rack in the newborn section and every single thing there up to the age of 12 months cost nothing less than $20 - I was completely gob smacked. It couldn't be true - how had this happened - how was it that mothers were dressing their little babies in miniature polyester, flammable materials? I saw a little pink skirt reduced down to $30 from $40 made from nylon and it reminded me of the ra-ra skirts I used to wear back in the 80's. I was flabbergasted - how do little ones actually feel with all these man made 'itchy' fibres next to their newborn skin? Gone are the days when you could buy a gorgeous terry towelling 'baby grow' for 2 pounds and 99 pence in a magnitude of colours :)

Anyway I ended up spending the guts of $35 on 2011 version of a 'baby grow' with snapper fasteners and 2 pairs of socks. No regrets at all - but I think that ordeal in itself terrified me - imagining the cost of having a baby!!!!!! And then the new fad of push prizes and LV baby bags - it's all gotten a bit silly hey.

Then a friend and I drove over the Lion's Gate bridge to get to the 'Stepford House' in question - now again, please don't get me wrong - it was situated in such a way that the back yard was surrounded by these awesome trees - the smell of the foliage was just lovely - and inside the house was immaculate to the point that you would think that no one lived there. No colour on the walls or in the furnishing - and again I understand that that is a personal style - just not mine - it just kinda freaked me out a little - and I bet they all had the same type of house - the same flat screen hanging from the wall - the same fittings in the kitchen - I even bet you the kitchen tops had been bought from the same supplier!!

The thing that really freaked me out was when I saw the women with the same style of wedding band and engagement ring on - and with babies born just days apart - and stories of how one milk is better than another - and how heavy the babies were at birth and the amount of 'get ups' during the night to feed the little thing. I was completely freaked out - and not a NANNY in sight!!!!!!!! OMG - what am I gonna do when it's my turn?

Am I gonna end up like one of 'those women' - one of 'those' moms - a 'Stepford Mom' who glows when she tells me how many weeks into her pregnancy she is and how the flow of milk had stopped after just a few weeks and  she is now having to resort to formula?

The answer is clear and I knew it as I pegged it out of the house - Of course I will!!!!!!!! :)

That will be me one day - knee deep in diapers, dark circles under my eyes - not having slept for days - but standing there in my glow in a group sharing stories eating chips and guacamole.

I think it must be some secret 'Universe Dust' that gets thrown over parents to stop them from heading to the funny farm and ensure that we forget all this craziness before we are in the family way again. I mean the calculation in the store alone had me totting up that to dress and diaper the said baby, would cost at least $100 a day - for a grand total of at least 18 years!!! Freaked out yet? :) 

Talking of mothers - I watched a movie today about John Lennon's childhood - I knew nothing about his life apart from his music - if you haven't seen it already, please check it out, 'Nowhere Boy'.

Okay guys - gonna have to wrap this up - 'Two and a Half  Men' is on - have to get the giggles in before Ashton comes in and spoils it :( Not much else happening - Oprah's shows have nearly drawn to a close forever, which means that she is showing the happiest, most memorable and saddest stories in her 25 reign - so you can pretty much count on me sitting here with a kleenex most afternoons - it's the end of an era.

I just got a call from a chap that I met with through work well over 18 months ago - knew he had the hots for me - but being in his mid to late 50's, hardly hubbie material - I nearly gipped in my mouth when he asked me out on a date - I mean WTF - it's never the ones you want is it????? :)

That which defines us.

So the card that I picked this morning from my Fairy deck was "Honour your true feelings".

Have you actually ever stopped in the moment and looked in side - or felt inside - and been able to verbalize what is going on? It has for me been a very tough thing to do. We all do it, or think it - I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm lonely, I wish she hadn't said that or done that, etc etc etc.

Today or should I say this morning, was particularly hard for me - I am now almost five months into this sh*t storm and each day is a mix from a blessing to a chore. I woke up to the pitter patter of rain on my window, just inches from my pillow - so already I had no desire to get out of my bed. So I just crawled back in after opening the balcony curtains - I do this so that the neighbours don't think I am a lazy cow - I mean who gives a toss - and then I drew the quilt up and over my head until 10am. And why? Because I have started to enjoy my dream world more than this one - wherever it is that I go, it is safer and fluffier than the reality that I have created for myself here.

And it's the same every morning - I wake open and light and then start to audit the coming of day and what happened yesterday - and then slowly but surely, I pick up all the baggage that my back can muster and drag myself to the kitchen and put on the kettle.

I cannot go on like this - and the only one that can change this reality is me.

I have an armchair in my apartment, I love that space cos I can look out of the window and see the world below. There are a number of things that make my heart swell and sometimes I tear up - the bundled up toddlers that scale the 12 inch wall to get to their destination - it is the most awesome thing to watch them - for us so easy but for their teeny tiny legs it's such an accomplishment. There is a silver haired man who has a limp - but I kid you not - every single time I see him, my heart smiles - in fact it beams and not because I feel sorry for him - but because his energy is so cute that I just want to go up and squeeze him. And then there's this Alsatian doggy - a little aged like his owner, who one day pawed his little blue ball as it trickled into the street and my goodness, that simple little thing just had me in awe - he's just beautiful.

But today I sat there with my bowl of cereal and felt something - I really went deep inside - and I could feel my heart screaming - it was in so much pain. Look I know that I am blessed with true love and a family and friends, life and home that some people dream about - but it's all relative. I had reached a point where I just knew that the rest of my life cannot carry on like this - a spectator sport - where I feel that I have no control - I was having a word with the Big Man upstairs and reached a space where I simply ran out of words to say. What can I say? I have prayed. I have meditated. I have been a good person - or the best that I can be and have always come from a place of light and yet I still sit here with my prayers  'appearing' to be unanswered.

Is it that age old adage that I am just minutes away from having each and every dream realized????

So back to what defines me - I have allowed my lack of work to define me. I have done that - ME. Every morning, I am that person that doesn't have a job to go to. I am not the amazing daughter, or wonderful sister, I am not that positive friend or that woman that is seen as gorgeous, I am not even thr person that recycles the envelopes that house my tea bags or the person who sends love and light to Mother Earth as I fall to sleep most nights - instead I have slowly defined myself as the person who is out of work and don't want to step outside my front door because I don't know where to go anymore.

I realized that I am terrified of turning 40 - and not because of the age, because I celebrate my wisdom and time on earth - but the fear in me is that I will have no-one to hug, my Dad won't be here to sing Happy Birthday to me when I wake up and give me a cake with small soft pink sugar roses like when I was a little girl; my Mom won't cook for me and my Brother won't come round with my gift and give me a bear hug and squeeze me with all his might; my Best Friend won't be able to make green tea for me when I go to her house - tea that she will have bought in especially for me. I am terrified that the people I love and love me back won't be there.

And my heart hurts.

When does the universe finally give you a free pass - a pass for all the points that you have scored along the way?

Thank you  for reading and for giving me a space to honour my true feelings.

Surrender

It's 4pm on Monday and it's really lovely outside - BUT - and it's a big BUT - I can't seem to get a shimmy on and move!!!!! I've just clicked on the youtube link for Coronation Street and there they are - 3 more episodes just gleaming at me 'click on me - click on me' - but I know if I do - that's it, my day will be shot and I will then join the ranks with evening television with my marathon starting with 'Two and a Half Men' and then sitting here thinking 'F*** I haven't been out since I did my weekly shop on Saturday'.

I've literally reached some kind of impasse - frozen - numb - I'm not sad or anxious - is this what they call surrender? Cos it feels weird whatever this is!!!! Honestly - if I get my face on now and get dressed up and walk out that door, I literally have nowhere to go. I think I've lost it :)

So I'm going to drink my green tea which will be the colour of dark chocolate by the time it's done brewing - and then I will sit here waiting for the anxiety to kick in - click on the Coronaton Street link and get back to you when I have get to the surface of the water again - cos yes, that's how I feel. Like I am metres and metres under water - with my cossie on and goggles, looking up at the rays of the sun on the water - shimmering - yep - I've lost it - whatever 'it' is.

Okay - I'll be back soon :)

And I promise no more tulip pictures - you're probably over them by now :)

Back and it's only 9.30pm - I did it - managed to watch all 3 episodes of Coronation Street and I made it outasde - woohoo - ventured out to Banyen Books - with no make-up - ta-da - and got some sage to cleanse my apartment. And now that there's nothing on tv I thought I'd get back to my blog. Gotta say, I feel for Charlie Sheen - he looks like crap in his most recent episodes - boy has that guy ever aged in the last few years - it gives me the creeps when I see him making out with a girl on the show.

I had been toing and froing the last few weeks considering the purchase of a Campomaggi bag that I had seen at my friends' store - I think I mentioned it. Backwards and forwards with the 'should I or shouldn't I?' - gorgeous bag and I figured it would be a one off purchase and a special treat for my birthday and the fact that I am expecting a tax rebate any day soon. But every time I went into my closet and saw the stack that I have collected over the years, it just wasn't sitting right with me - and I got the news that I was secretly looking for today when my friend informed me on the day of purchase (she gets a 50% discount), that the leather scratches real easy and therefore, they aren't worth the money - so there you go, problem solved!

I ended up chatting to a friend of the Slovenians today on Skype - weird? Yes - just a tad. It was all I could do to stop myself from asking if he'd heard from him. I was grappling today for a reason as to why I have not let go of this yet - and don't they say that like monkeys, we just need another branch to hang onto before we move on? So I'm figuring that that is it - I just need to find me another branch :) I did thank him for being so kind to me back then - he's in Vienna now of all places. Wow. Engaged! 30 and engaged! :) Yes Yes Yes - I had to stop myself from spiralling into an anxiety attack when he told me that - oh and that's not the Slovenian by the way - I have no idea where he is at.

And the other reason I cling to the memory - I had allowed it to define who I was - who I still was 10 years later and in my heart chatting to that dude on Skype made me realize just how nuts that really is. People have moved on - so should I - I can't help thinking and feeling that a move from Vancouver would be good for me right now - let's face it - new faces and a fresh scene couldn't hurt. I can't see that the mountains and beaches are going to fulfil my needs in the long-term. So I have left it there - open to the Universe - to just about any possibilty that of course leads to a 'Happy Ever After' cos I do still believe in fairy tales and there is nothing that anyone can say to me that will change my mind on that score - NOTHING!!!! :)

I sat here with a hand full of tissues Saturday night watching 'The Back-up Plan' - the guy in that movie is smoking hot and the dog is such a little cutie. I won't give the plot away for those of you that haven't watched it. And then I saw 'The Kids Are All Right' - now I gotta say, the ending left me a little off kilter - again, don't want to give this one away - but it all seemed a little lack lustre after the build up. And asides from that - really nothing else to report, I haven't been out for my weekend wine session so can't slag the dudes off this week :) I did flick the finger to an 'interest declined' on my dating site yesterday until I scrolled down and read that the guy had said that distance was an issue and that I am 'simply gorgeous' - I felt  like a right cow - but had such an awwwww moment. Come on Pensylvania isn't that far - I CAN MOVE!!!!! :))

Well I still think that he was a little short sighted with that one - but hey - if it's meant to be.

Okay gotta run - snack time and I think I'm gonna catch another episode of Misfits on youtube :) And with a shake of my head I am again reminded that I NEED to get a job - and soon - it's the only thing that will get me in bed before 12am every night.

  

Guys

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog - I am back! :))

It's been a really weird week - it was like I was deep in a cave somewhere - in a forest - not able to see the wood for the trees. It's really had an affect, not being at work for almost 5 months now - you start to doubt just about everything. The flow of work here is really slow and the thought of moving to Toronto looms, but for reasons that I have mentioned before, the idea does not thrill me. It's not an easy thing to up sticks. If I'm completely honest, I think the countdown to my 40th is having a huge impact on my wellbeing too. Aren't we all seemingly conditioned by society to have acheived so much by now. Even watching the Royal Wedding was causing some anxiety for me - I'm glad it's over and we can finally get back to normality.

I did get up in the early hours to watch it - the wedding I mean. I was so interested to see what her dress was going to be like. All a little bit surreal really - I hope they 'make it' :)

My friend has been having a really tough time too - she's heading back to Colombia in June - which makes me sad - she's really the best friend that I have here. She's always been there for me and it won't be the same without her. We went out on Saturday night to console each other - must say that we had a right laugh. But looking around the bar, it was all a tad strange, it was like I went back in time to when I first got here to Vancouver - looking at strangers and the way they interact and funnily enough nothing has changed.

A girl came in who I was friends with some years ago until she shagged the guy I was very much into. It was funny to see her pinched up face across the bar - she didn't see me - and I actually felt very sorry for her. I mean what makes people do things like that? It's a story as long as the Slovenian's and perhaps I will write more when I can muster up the words :) And then these yukky Italian guys to my right at the bar were trying to chat us up - over and over all you could hear was 'excuse me, excuse me, excuse me'. For some reason the fact that I had my back to them and was deep in conversation with my friend was not enough for them to see that I had no interest in them whatsoever!!!! Oh and then he got nasty with me and passed a comment as he was leaving - really? - I even asked him if there was really any need for that.

Then I noticed that there was this proper old creepy guy who was just freaking staring at me from across the bar. Proper staring - and proper creepy. When my friend went to the washroom, he actually came up to me to introduce himself - startled me more like. I mean I just turned around to see his ugly mug in my face. YUK!!!!!

So after a couple of wines, we left - my friend wanted to go and say hi to her friend who works at coat check at one of the clubs - so there I am hanging about outside waiting when a guy came over and started to chat me up. He wasn't all that - looked a bit of a Kev to be fair - chav - even had these little diamonds around the whole of the face of his watch - I notice these things. But it passed the 15 or so minutes it took my friend to get her a$$ back outside. He and his friend asked us to join them for another drink - so we went - just for the fun of it. He was boring me with details of how well travelled he was and how much money he had and how much this he had and how much that he had. So I thought I'd start yanking his chain and asked him what his goals were in life - none!!! He had nothing!!!

We got to the bar and he popped himself on a stool opposite this blonde girl - okay - so I could see him looking at her - in fact he was unable to take his eyes of her - literally. Non-stop staring. I was embarrassed for him. I necked my vodka martini and then he bent down and pretended to pick up a piece of paper and then gave it to blondie - it obviously had his number on it. That was it, I picked up my bag and walked out - I mean - what a d*ck!!!!!!  Kev was nothing to look at and I wasn't gonna sit there and have my intelligence insulted. Even his mate came out and apologized :)

Oh well - so there you have it - another crap night out in Vancouver. The icing on the cake was this smoking hot guy that chatted to us as we were walking up the street to get a cab. He was gorgeous - tall, dark and drippingly handsome. So we stood and flirted until I see a silver flash on his left hand and would you f'ing believe it - MARRIED!!!! Celebrating his 30th birthday with his wife fast asleep at home.

Icing on the cake and time for us to go home!!!!

I kid you not - by the time I shut the door behind me when I got home, I realized why I'm still single in this sh*t hole!!!! :)

I think there's something in the water here that makes blokes behave like complete pr*cks!!!!! :)

You gotta laugh.

So what else has happened this week? Well I have gotten myself addicted to watching Eastenders almost in real time on youtube - and while viewing that saw a dozen postings for MF - wondered what that was - Misfits - so now I am watching that too. OMG - it's so funny - if you get the chance, watch it! The Irish guy is hilarious. So that's about it really - gorgeous day today, absolutely gorgeous. Summer is well and truly on its' way.

Gonna love you and leave you now and get to my Doreen Virtue meditation - it worked wonders yesterday to clear my energy - it's the first time in a long time that the alarm actually woke me up :) Felt back to myself today - thank goodness - it's nice to actually recognize yourself in the mirror - Finally, I'm back!!!!! :)