The end of a chapter

So here I am with sleep looming - I just pulled one of my Fairy cards - "Dreams Coming True" :)

A total mix of excitement, anticipation, eagerness and a little sadness at leaving this behind - the last 6 months have had me cocooned safely in my apartment, healing and growing. I was just looking at one of the peace lilies that I have - it was on my desk in the last job - it's at least 4 times the size now with a whole stack of baby leaves coming through. It will all be a distant memory this time next week - beautiful memories however.

So I guess to re-cap the events that have taken place - taking that first step out of the door tomorrow is going to be huge. The highlights began with the trip of a lifetime with my parents in Goa - I say that because so many people have said how lucky I am to be able to spend time like that with my family. Sure was an awesome trip. And then to return back here to Vancouver in February and start this blog after watching 'Julie and Julia' - remember that's how this all started?!?  The ups and downs with the job interviews and same with the guys too - I had the nutbar from Seattle who called me at 2am in the morning and I was toying with the idea of the border crossing to go see him - ALONE! And then the dude from Sydney Australia. But hey it comes as no real surprsie that I was doing that only so I could get out there and see my Slovenian - who yes, still has a monopoly with my thoughts - they come and go - only on Friday I put on my green dress and was reminded of a t-shirt he once wore - gorgeous! :) I was chatting about him to my Colombian friend on Friday night over drinks - still want to squish his face and hug him - the Colombian said that the mind can play awesome tricks on you, so why don't I just change the ending of that story - create an ending in my head that makes all the bad stuff go away so that I can put it to bed once and for all - I will get there.

Then I had the excellent evening at the concert with Snatam Kaur - I have to admit that I have listened to her less and less since I saw what seemed to me like 'crazy dancing' with the spectators at the concert :) Each to their own :) But I will be back to see Matthew again with his sound healing sessions - they definitely take me to another dimension and shifts so much 'icky' stuff - creating space for the new.

What else? Definitely better able to focus now on the positives and what I have versus what I don't have - I'm not there all the time but a lot more than before. Exercising too - even if it has been in my own apartment - I actually like that - means that I can be more flexible time wise. Trying to be more open in my heart too - with family and friends for sure - that incident with that guy last week has taught me to perhaps be a little less demanding - back off with the expectation - perhaps I should have just told him why he was pi$$ing me off.

Oh and have I ever had an awesome time with TV and movies - well of course you know about my love of - wait for it - wait for it - Two and a Half Men, Coronation Street and Eastenders :) And then the 'Real Housewives of NYC, OC and Beverly Hills' - nice thing is that I can share that love with my friend in the UK who has also become hooked so we share stories and thoughts. And then the movies, watched a great one today '127 Hours' - also saw 'Black Swan' , "No Strings Attached' and 'Something Borrowed'. So there you go with a few recommendations - there have been a lot more, just can't remember them all now. And of course Oprah came to an end - Oh and I watched Roots.

I feel like I have got my happy back - whether it be dancing in my apartment, waking up in the morning and flinging my stuffed monkey around and making 'him' dance - and no! No rude connotations there please :) And deep down in my heart, my conversations with the Divine - I feel that same joy and connection that I had when I was a teenager and it's like we are friends again. Working on that and my boundaries has given me re-newed power. And my friends - could not have done it without the help of my friends - from the encouragement to take a step outside, to the chats on the phone, to the push to take the job as it's going to lead to bigger and better things :) And you know what - I believe it - I know it.

So I end this chapter now as I have to get ready for bed - if it seems that my blog postings are taking a nose dive, please give me a nudge - I promise to keep it up :) Thanks for sharing with me so far.

And here's one of my all time favourite songs in the whole world :) Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUwJKIJyYY0

The first day of summer.

As I sit here and write and look up at the third orchid plant that I have had in my possession, my anxiety increases - its' flower petals are beginning to curl outward - which means that there is something wrong again!!!! My friend bought it for me last week and the very moment I saw it I thought 'oh no - another one bites the dust' :(

I feel like I have done a very 'bad' thing today - or at least events that took place are not sitting right with me. Over the last six months I got to be know an old acquaintance a little better to the point that we would hang out at least once a week and share stories over coffee - he was actually very dear to me when I had my 'men troubles' at the beginning of Spring - a voice of reason. But gradually and over time, things about him that had been there from the very first day I laid eyes on him, really began to effect me adversely.

We haven't met up now for at least a month and today was a good a day as any. So with the sun out and the breeze nice and gentle, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for us to connect again, sit on a patio and have a drink. The minute he was within 4 feet of me, on it came - the barrage of negativity and aggression - an insult at something that had happened to him earlier today followed by an expletive. I own the fact that I use swear words too - but these seem to come at you like poisoned darts. And I just felt my walls going up and I was beginning to shut down - "Oh gosh - what have I set myself up for on this gorgeous day" is what I thought - and on it went from the complaints to the price of drinks to the lack of this, and the lack of that; to the I don't want to do this, and I don't want to do that; to the he did this, and she said that; and on and on and on - non-stop - and I did literally just zone out and could not seem to drag myself out of the mire.

My thing is, should I have said something to him? If I was a better friend, surely I would have said something to him? Was it okay that I just shut down and stopped talking? My sole intention was just to keep my shield up from this 'thing' and to get the hell outa there. But still should I have said something?

Oh I dunno - I just wished him all the best and it did feel like goodbye - I'm sure he felt that too because he just walked off without even saying bye to me - I shake my head now because I do feel bad. But I couldn't do it anymore - to be in a really good space and to be around someone who chips at my energy and brings me down in just minutes. And the simple truth is - we all do it - we all have moments where we complain - where we moan - just not incessantly I guess. I guess I just tend to stay indoors when I am in that space.

Oh well - it's done now :(

I am usually quite happy to confront things head on but today I couldn't seem to muster up the passion to save this one.

So on a good note, I have decided on a venue for my birthday - it overlooks the sea from the patio and from there we will go on to a hot spot Downtown and have a boogie. I will have to look into getting on the guest list there as I know that the entrance fee is a little steep.

So perhaps now while I have the time would be opportune for me to talk about my friends. I had touched on it in my last blog posting. So where to begin? I remember when I was at the very height of my own healing sessions with my reiki / psychic healer about 3 years ago and she told me "in life you are very lucky if you can count your very best friends on one hand" - life long friends - and she wasn't wrong about that. I used to have this constant need for approval and believed in quantity versus quality when I first came here to Vancouver. It is true though that the friends that I hold most dear and can count on are at home in the UK. That doesn't mean that I don't know some awesome people here too - it just seems a lot more transient - it is like that here - and we all understand that.

So in no particular order let's begin.

The first that springs to mind is my friend that calls me Foxy Brown - makes me smile to even write that down - he's such an amazing fella - he came into my life right after my heartbreak with the Slovenian - I was devastated at that time in my life and funnily the reason why I befriended him initially was because they both share the same name. It was a clear sign for me. He was my genie from a lamp and my my we have fought like cat and dog over the years and had a couple of major fall outs but my goodness, the love that we share is priceless.

We first met when I was working as a recruiter in the UK - he was in a really dire situation and it became a clear mission for me to find him a job - I just had to. He was a cheeky git too - I totally caught him checking me when I was leaving the interview room and he just gave me a cheeky grin - I just lifted one of my eye brows up as if you say 'never gonna happen' and walked on with a smile. In short, I did get him a job - and one that ensured his stay in the UK - he has been ever grateful for that but it is something I would do 100 times over for the friendship that we have had for the last 10 years.

He has been my absolute rock - when I had my most devastating meltdowns, danced with the darkness in facing my demons, and took the hands of all the skeletons in my closet - he was there for me in the early hours of the morning when I would wake up from nightmares - there for me when I took on as truth something that someone had said and make me see that their opinion did not matter, remind me that I was loves. As I have said before, by the time I came back from Australia, leaving the Slovenian, I was like a huge open gaping wound - sensitive, prickly, volatile and neurotic like never before. But my Genie was able to see my heart when I could not.

He is someone that I can be truly authentic with - we openly have our moments on the phone when, as he calls it, we have our guns out - sometimes rifles and sometimes those big kick ass round masterblaster gun things that spin round and leave nothing but dust in their trail - oh and of course those other big ones, the rocket guns. So sometimes it's me - and sometimes it's him - and once we have torn a strip and let go of our anger, anxiety, stress whatever, we laugh and move onto something positive. No hard feelings - ever!!!

I remember Christmas Eve sitting here alone - and he called me on Skype - four hours later and having shared a gazillion songs on youtube and listening to him singing, eating dinner and with washroom breaks, I could not have been more grateful for the void of loneliness that he filled for me that day - like he says to me 'we're bestest buddies in the whole wide world' :)

Then my Brother and I share a best friend - I met this lovely soul through my Brother - they both used to come and visit me when I was at Uni - it's lovely that we have that common love for my Brother and I always have someone to communicate my angst to. We'll call him Mr C - most recently he was working on the cruise ships and 2 summers ago we were both thrilled when he used to stop here in Vancouver every other week for a good few months.

To have one of my Homies here even for a few hours used to melt my heart. It would be so painful to watch him leave to get back on that cruise ship and I kid you not, I would have tears in my eyes every time he left. On his last trip here, we met during the Olympic Games - the last day when it was hockey fever Downtown - thousands upon thousands of people - and with me of course moving in the opposite direction to the herd of people - but it was worth it to see his little face and get a hug.

Mr C is the friend that I can be a complete child with - like a 9 year old - we could honestly go to the park and play on the swings and roundabout for hours and then eat ice cream. It is such an innocent and wholesome friendship. We don't talk as often on the phone, but when we do, it is a phone-a-thon session that lasts at least 2 hours. We cover so much ground and the really neat thing about him is his sensitvity - I can talk girl stuff with him and he gets it. And he writes too - so I have him checking my blog from time to time :)

We share old Uni stories that still have us in a fit of giggles, back when my Brother was so incredibly funny and charismatic - when he would have us in stiches pretending he was one of the Jacksons and singing just like them. Awww - I miss those days - I really do. Last time we met, was at my little Nephew's birthday party - there were tiny gold stars that had been put out as decoration on the tables - at the end of the party when we had finished clearing up and were just about to lock the door, I saw a star on the floor, grabbed in quick and pressed it into his hand. I asked him the other day on the phone if he still has it - and of course he does! Awwwww :))

So now we have 3 down - because rememember I talked about my BFF last blog and we have one more girlie left to go - but honestly I am whacked and have to eat and watch a little TV before I get to bed. This early morning wake up thing has not gone to plan at all - I can't seem to get up at 6am - it's brutal - but tomorrow it just has to happen. Oh and by the way, the red dress at Zara was a big fat no no - yuk!!!! I can see why they were all still there now sitting on the rack - I looked like a bad 70's night shade.

Oh and this posting could not be complete without mention of my friend Krystal - he wouldn't disagree with my saying that we are not BFF's - but we have known each other for well over a decade - and he is undoubtedly the first in command when it comes to encouraging me every day with his blog. I know that I have at least 2 readers! :)))) Too funny!!!! Somehow, we ended up living in the same house after my Uni days - we worked in the same office - I have no recollection of how that even came about - it's safe to say that he witnessed me at some very sad times - times when I still wore my mask and had no idea that I had created this ego facade just to cope with life - well before my Australia trip.

And I would be doing a great disservice to his presence in my life if I did not say that his words of encouragement and funny, quirky emails really did make my heart smile - and give me something to look forward to these last 5 or so months while I have been here battling with myself and my search for work - so Krystal 'Thank You' :)

Thank You

I am thrilled the share the news that I have a new job, and I will be starting in a few days time - wooohoooo!!!!! :) So exciting - it's like that first day at school, for me at least. I have been shopping for a new suit as some of my wardrobe doesn't fit anymore :( But hey - at least the sales are on. Now to work with adjusting my body clock so that I can get to sleep at a decent hour and up at the crack of dawn with the birds for company :) It's nice to have something to look forward to and the next few days promise to be hot and sunny so I will be able to hang by the pool and get some REAL quality time and not that anxiety ridden passage of time.

So news of the job coincided with a particularly dark time here in Vancouver and something that we do not come to expect - the loss of the hockey game by the Canucks led to riots here in the Downtown core - it was both shocking and frightening to see people behave like that - in a space that truly is home - to see the windows of local stores getting smashed in by hooligans was very very sad - the looting of stores that we walk by every day and are in our neighbourhood. The worry too for friends that were out that night and live so close to where a lot of the street violence took place.

Watching on TV was one thing - I am so very glad that I didn't go out that evening. The next morning, there was a eeriness in the air - a stillness that was palpable - at 9am in the morning, I couldn't hear a stir from cars or buses and the usual drilling on the street down below was at bay too. You could have heard a pin drop. I went Downtown later in the afternoon and walked by one of the largest department stores - each of the 20 something windows had been smashed in and were now boarded up - people had taken to writing messages on the plywood - messages of peace and hope - a chance to share in the sorrow - it took all my strength in those moments not to cry - there was a lot of emotion felt by everyone - and it was right there on the surface - I can't help but feel that at least the events of that night brought us all together again - just such a shame that it had to happen in that way.

So my interest in hockey has waned somewhat from the little I had 2 weeks ago to the nothing that I have now.

A group of us girls ventured out again on Friday night - really nothing to report here to be honest - little or no talent and I think that people were pretty much spent out from the sporting events. I actually left the group and came home early, it was a tad boring - I had already said to one of the girls that I went with that I didn't want to go to the same spots that we always go to - I didn't want to eat the same food, sit at the same table and drink the same wine - "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" - so we did venture somewhere relatively new - at least we were on the patio instead of inside a bar we have frequented many a time - it was a great spot to view the nightlife. My friend was having guy trouble - you know the typical scenario of meeting the guy, making out with the guy, you get the text which says that he'll be in touch in a couple of days and that text was a week ago!!!!! I did say that this would happen, he spends over 50 percent of his time out of town so it was kinda easy to figure how this would play out. But it's that age old story isn't it and we have all been there - busily and fervently trying to bang a square peg in a round hole because we're so desperate not to be single anymore - hanging to any shred of hope - turning to hopelessness.

So while we waited for another girl to join us, we decided that we would go to another local haunt that is a hive of activity if you want to 'pick up' as she wanted a distraction. It was still pretty early, but it wasn't long before it was wall to wall 'good looking' people on the prowl. We were shooed off of our aluminium bar stools so that there was more room for people to push and shove us at the bar. I was over it - really was time for me to go home - I turned to my friend and said that I know now why I stay at home and watch a good movie - we really don't miss much :) We moved over to a quieter spot to finish off our glasses of wine - one friend was off home and the other wanted to continue on.

So with a roll of my eyes, we ended up doing what we always do! Went to the same bar we end up at and even sat at the same bl**dy table - I got my hot drink of lemon water after the bi*chy barmaid said that they would have to see if they had hot water!!! Looked at it - drank a little and then thought, 'you know what, I'd rather go home and watch Eastenders on youtube' - so I excused myself and walked home.

So there you go - another 'non-event' of a weekend :)

In sharing my glad tidings of my new job over the last few days, I have truly come to realize who my REAL friends are - you have those that are genuinely ecstatic and share in your joy and wish you the absolute best. You have those that are happy being in their negative space and are so content in sharing that space with you, that when you pull and manage to break free of it, they have little or nothing left to say to you. When something amazing happens, they just don't know how to be happy for you. There are those amazing people that over the last 6 months have been a real gift and have carried me and supported me every day along the way as I have ducked, dived and weaved like a wooden barrel over Niagara Falls - and then there is one who is my very best friend in the whole wide world who has been with me since I was a little girl. Apparently we first met when I was standing crying and alone in the school playground on my first day of primary school.

I know that I have spoken of the love I have for my family - in addition to them, there is another 'family' I have - a reflection of myself - a handful of jewels that I have had the fortune to share my life with to date. This friend in particular has had my back since we became really good friends at the age of 10 - we were painting a pagoda - I remember the colours in oranges and browns - and from there we became true friends. We used to walk to school every morning with our arms linked and I would chunter on at her every Thursday morning with the events of the latest episode of Dallas the night before - poor thing, not once did she say that I was boring her out of her mind. Through comprehensive school, I don't think that there was a week that went by that I didn't for some reason or another break friends with her - it would be over something and nothing -  and then we would pass notes back and forth until we made friends again :) I found out the reason for my behaviour on the Tyra Show recently (I wasn't on the show of course) - I can't share the core reason, but the result is basically to test, re-test and test again the validity and strength of a relationship - to basically push and push and push to see if that person will leave you - and if they don't, well then they're yours' :) - really yours' - and this is what I used to do - in fact I have done that in a few of my core relationships.

Well my best friend never did leave and that bond never did break, although we did have a break during our 20's when I went off to Uni and she went off and get married and became a mommy. To this day, this best friend of mine has always shared in my joy and my tears, has been the voice of reason, and a moral compass. This best friend has never ever shown me the green eye where so many other women have, and has always encouraged me with her words and in her actions; she is a truly beautiful woman both inside and out - and the reason why I am bringing her up today is because I want to wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY :) I am 2 days late in writing this as her birthday was on Friday. My intention was to put it in writing on Thursday ready for when my she woke up on Friday morning, but my celebration glass of wine saw to it that that didn't happen! Sorry Love!!

(I'm sorry that I have called you 'she' here too but I didn't want to write your name in case you didn't approve)

In a nutshell, this blog would not exist if it wasn't for my best friend - I love you and I hope you had an amazing weekend :)

So there we go - another week comes slowly to a close - I have to get to bed early this evening - as I mentioned before, I have to get up with the birds in the morning and night is drawing in - there's a red dress that I have my eye on at Zara - thought it would be nice to wear on my birthday - so I am going to try it on tomorrow assuming it is still there and treat myself for my big day.

A very old but very familiar feeling has come back to me again - one of joy and newness - one where I feel a zest in my life - to really start writing the story of my life again - to get back to navigating through those pages on my life - truly living and sharing - being around people again and deep in new experiences. The last 6 months, although some of the hardest of my life have given me a new set of wings, bigger and shinier than the ones before and I know deep in my heart that this is my time - amazing things are about to happen - and as the Goddess Kali reminds us, destruction has to take place to make room for the new.

Thank You to each and every 'being' of light that has carried me this far - and that continues to carry me. And Thank You to the Divine, thank you for this new job where I can be completely authentic - that was afterall my goal. And for my new iphone - with it's pink cover OF COURSE!!!! :)))))

A bitter pill

So I took another rejection today - didn't get the contract position that I interviewed for last week. Funny that they brushed me off, bringing up the same point that I had already brought to their attention - being the distinct lack of experience that they need for the position - so I have to ask - why bring me in and put me through that?

I am spiralling out of control again with my emotions - feel like I am a prisoner in my own home - forcing myself to go outside for a walk - just so there is some element of 'normal' in my life. I am so completely lost - I honestly don't know what to do for the best - I even considered doing my yoga teacher training but I can't imagine that that will pay a decent wage once I am qualified - I'm almost sure that is better as an 'add-on' to something else in your spare time. My birthday is getting closer and closer and still no clarity about what to do on the big day - I am so terrified that it is going to be a complete gong show.

And all this negative thinking is not a good thing - at this rate, I may just create what I fear most.

I think that after a while, for me anyways, the zest in the interviews has gone - I have gone beyond the fakeness and eagerness to please - giving them what they want to hear because I have gotten to a point - I am not sure if it is beyond hope or just that I simply do not care anymore.

On the plus side, I did go to Matthew's sound healing session on Sunday - which was so so beautiful - he really is able to hold a good space and allow for some really deep meditative states - I just wish I could always be in that space - nothing else matters - absolutely nothing. There is no care of birthdays, jobs, what to cook, grocery shopping, the chaos of roadworks on the street below, my neighbour above me who drops things on the wooden floor boards at least 6 times a day - resulting in a minor shock to my system and then insists in dropping the toilet lid down hard and fast so that I jump even in my bed. There are times when I literally want to give him a taste of his own medicine.

You gotta laugh hey?!? :)

So my pleasure now comes from watching the 'Real Housewives of wherever', Eastenders and Coronation Street even though they have gotten a bit crap of late. Of late I hear you ask :)

What else is new? Not a lot really - had a guy cross the street to chat me up some weeks ago - wasn't interested and actually said to him 'are you about to hit on me as I'm walking up the street' - he was kinda gobsmacked - not sure if I have mentioned this in my blog already. Then walking home last week, he saw me again and I was at the pedestrian crossing this time - I saw him and pretended I hadn't and just legged it keeping my head down - and then I hear these whistles - cheeky git was whistling at me to get my attention - do I look like Lassie?????? Is it even mildly courteous to whistle at a chick in order to get her attention - I didn't even look back. And then yesterday I got collared again - this time he stopped me again to say 'hi' - roll of the eyes - nowhere for me to run this time - it's never the ones that you think 'phhhooooooaaaaarrrrrrrrrr wouldn't mind me a bit of that' is it????? :))

Okay - sorry but that's me - I'm going to bed - I have a face like a smacked a*** and I just feel like I am just spreading my feelings of woe in this blog posting - so I'm loving you and leaving you :)

YAYYYYYYY - Braveheart is on and it's my favourite bit at the beginning when he marries the girl from his village - music is so awesome - awwwwwwww :)

 

Swimming up stream

OMG I have just had my cage well and truly rattled.

First of all if I just get back to the end of the tale from the last blog............................so basically, guy meets girl, check each other out - girl sees guy at work a few times and then realizes that she's not attracted - but girl asks guy for a drink some time - hey you gotta expand your social circle - guy takes 6 months to get back to the girl - sends her a stream of texts with X's at the end of every text - 11pm at night and wants to meet up for a drink - I'm thinking two words - F*** and O**!!!!!!!

So there's that rant.

Before I move to the next, I had to share this Tarot card commentary - from the Osho Zen Tarot. Goes like this:

"this card recalls an old Zen story, about a lion who was brought up by sheep and who thought he was a sheep until an old lion captured him and took him to the pond, where he showed him his own reflection. Many of us are like this lion - the image of us comes not from our own direct experience but from the opinion of others. A 'personality' imposed from the outside replaces the individuality that could have grown from within. We become just another sheep in the herd, unable to move freely, and unconscious of our own true identity".

For just a handful of weeks now I have been talking to an old friend from school and we have shared about 8 emails in total. And of course I am never afraid to express my emotions - sometimes I am happy, joyful and in a positive space and other times, not so much. And he also knows that I am out of work right now - so what do I get? I get that typical 'sort yourself out', 'get out of your rut', 'pull yourself together', 'just take a job, any job so that you don't have so much time to think'.

I don't need fixing!!!!!

Honestly, good job this person doesn't live in the same time zone as me else I'd be on that phone - once I have his number of course, asking him what gives him the right to cross that boundary with me. Do I tell him what to do? NO!!!!!!

So going back to the quote, am I to swim with all the other fishes in the sea - we all know the ones and I have been one, that little or in fact big fish that gets up every morning - and the first or should I say second thought that pops in your head is "what day is it" - and then you wrack your brain for that millisecond as you figure out to your dismay that it is either Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday - simply - YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK! To a job you hate doing - to a desk you hate sitting at - and a clock on the wall whose face you have come to know in minute detail as you wish away the minutes and hours of your life. Your LIFE!!!!!  This really is it - this is not some rehearsal that we get to play out the third act again if we don't like the ending, this is it!!!!! This moment, right now, as you inhale into your lungs and breathe air IS IT!!!!!!!!

And what I am to do - am I expected by all those sheep or fishes in my little tale to just go with the group, to feed on the same patch of green grass, or swim up stream the same way just because that is what everyone else is doing???? And that is what everyone else has done????

With my birthday - yes my birthday looming - and yes, I have brought it up for the gazillionth time, one thing that I have promised myself, in fact allowed myself to do - is to be AUTHENTIC!!!!! Me and my authenticity - to do that with my life which resonates with my heart and my soul and not to spend the next 40 years of my life following the crowd and fitting into the constraints created by history. 

I am not naiive enough not to have compassion and an understanding, I realize that everyone's situation is unique and that not everyone can afford the time off to sit back and soul search - to ponder - to reflect - to write - to sit - to laugh - to cry - to share - to walk - to talk - and by golly just to BE!!!!! Why does he want me to be that same person that wakes up every morning and faces that dreaded question and then methodically and robotically go about my day just so that the rest of the group can see a value?

It could also be that he has touched a nerve - that guilt - that feeling that I have already analyzed that has allowed me to think that my work is what defines me. I know that I am going round in circles - but I just had to write this down. And furthermore, if I live the dream, and someone else lives the dream, and a hundred more live the dream etc etc, doesn't that mean that at some point we ALL reach a critical mass like Darwin's birds did - and reach a better vibration for us all? Just a thought.

Rant over! Thanks for reading :)

I've just sat here and watched 'Repo Men' - truly awesome film and boy does it make you think. Imagine, if like in Total Recall or The Matrix if we are not really here at all - actually just laying in some huge sci-fi factory somewhere with plugs and wires coming out of us at all angles and being fed memories and a present moment from a chip or something - sounds ridiculous, but sometimes watching stuff like that does make you wonder doesn't it?

It's been lovely here today - truly glorious - Vancouver was basked in sunshine :) I still haven't heard any concrete word about the interview I went for last week so I am not holding my breath.

I have been a bit of a movie addict too - watched 'Hangover 2' and wasn't very impressed to be fair - a couple of real 'laugh out loud' moments but not nearly as funny as the first. Then watched 'Something Borrowed' - now that one I highly recommend - lovely chick flick - feel good movie and sumptuous viewing with all the pretty clothes and men :))

And then I got watching 'Roots' last night - remember that? I was only 5 or 6 when it first came out - it's popped in my head many a time over the years and of course I only remember snippets of it from TV - I know it's not going to be easy viewing and my emotions will stir - but I am very much looking forward to watching it all - the reviews on youtube are pretty amazing.

So there you go - that's me up to date :) It's Saturday night and I'm in for the night as I am going for a sound healing session tomorrow and the best way to do that is without a hangover :)

p.s I love fish and sheep ;)

The interview from hell

Have you ever been so nervous in an interview that you just talk for the sake of talking and even though you know you should stop, you just can't seem to? Well that is what happened to me yesterday - I felt like I had stepped into my own personal hell. Two hours of a gruelling barrage of questions that left me feeling utterly deflated and wanting to top myself. And then you know how it is right, you play the whole reel back in your head over and over and wonder why you said what you did and why you didn't think of the most suitable answer which of course you do actually know? I literally stopped myself in mid-flow and told them that I knew I was digging a hole for myself - in fact why not take a leap into it when done digging! I laugh now but honestly, I wish I had taped the whole event - every cringe-tastic thing NOT TO DO!!!!! And I am a recruiter!!!!

I started a cleanse on Saturday and I swear that those things bring every single emotion that has remained unreleased up to that point, right to the surface where is just swills around like the froth on a cappuccino until I literally explode - either in a fit of rage where I want to pluck leaves off my plant or where I just want to curl up in the corner of my closet, cry and hide forever. I find myself just standing in the shower staring at the tiles wondering how I got here.

Sometimes I stand there in the flow of water swaying from side to side like a pendulum in my own private version of water hypnosis.

And then to be woken up this morning to a massacre on the street outside. My tree - and I say my tree because it may as well be my tree was being chopped to shreds. To me she is like a Nature Goddess, it may sound nuts but over the years and especially at times when I have been at home for extended periods like this, I see how the branches and leaves have created a face - and then the rest of the branches and leaves that spread down toward the floor are like her dress. Of course she is naked in the winter, but watching those little buds come up in the spring and to see her flourish in her green couture is just so magical.

However, today I had to watch 3 monsters taking a chain saw to my tree and lobbing off branch after branch after branch - in and out of the branches they weaved with their serated knives - would it be naiive of us to assume that this creature of nature felt nothing? We've all seen the trees in the Lord of the Rings right? They have a spirit. This went on for 4 hours in total - and then the branches were fed into a machine that threw out a torrent of sawdust. It was heart wrenching to see how much of my tree just fit into a 10 foot square cubic box.

Think I'm crazy? Well one of my friends pointed out that maybe it means something - and you know what hand on my heart - she does look better - almost like she has gone from a floor length gown to a shorter mini-skirt version - that is making her look a lot more sassy. So I'm glad the monsters didn't fall and hurt themselves :)

Awwww - it's been a crazy week on the guy front too - I kid you not, the action starts when the sun comes out in this city. I actually went to a local park for a walk in nature at the weekend with the 'little guy' - I feel awful for calling him that but as this is what I used as reference to him in my last posting, I will continue to do so to avoid any confusion. It was not a date and I had made that very clear to him - I had googled his name to make sure that he was not on the list of 'America's Most Wanted' and set up a time to meet up. To my absolute surprise, the park is the most beautiful spot - it is honest to goodness like being in a Fairy Land - huge expanses of green grass, with waterfalls and pretty little flowers and at such a height that you can see the snow capped mountains in the distance. There were lots of weird and wonderful little birds there too and then we saw hundreds of kids that had just graduated milling around, getting ready for prom night. It was like being at a beauty pageant with girls walking around in dresses of every colour and style imaginable - really quite lovely - all a little bit Cinderella :)

That same day, guy number 2 called me - Hamptons Guy - so I was a bit of a cow actually - I pretended like I didn't recognize the number - well, I wasn't interested and hadn't liked the way he felt the need to put Little Guy down to elevate himself. There were long drawn out silences which I flat out refused to fill in like I normally do - he could not carry through with a fruitful conversation. Slagged Little Guy off again so I had to stop him in his tracks this time and highlight that we (Little Guy and I) had just come back from the park and that he had helped me immensely with my pending interview. Okay, I know I could have been nicer to him - but something about him just really rattled my cage. So after another 30 second stint of nothingness, I said that I had to go.

And then - get this - 6 months.........................................................OMG OMG OMG - hold on - I can't breathe - the company who I met with yesterday has just sent me an email - gotta run - be back in a bit :)