Two weeks ago I was out and about 'hitting the town', wearing my lovely new clothes that I had bought from the UK and my 50's inspired pink heels that I had spent time and effort on with a hair dryer to stretch them out so that they would not completely 'kill' my toes by the time the night was over. It started off being a pretty drab night as people just weren't getting into it and of course with that, I became more and more anxious - forever the worry wart and hoping that everyone was having a good time.
Finally on the arrival of 2 of my girlfriends and countless shots of 'Patron', the party livened up. And before we knew it we were all in a limo driving to the Downtown core to go to a nightclub that I hadn't been to in all the years that I had been here. We walked in, and I looked around, kids of all ages, shapes and sizes, some drunker than others and all seeming to have fun. It really was a very rowdy crowd. And then as we hit the dance floor, out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy full on checking me out, eyes the most intense I have ever been witness to before and I felt that for a split second I had been put under a trance - the seconds seemed to drift in slow motion - and he moved around us and walked off with his friend. I thought nothing more of it and we danced some more and got drinks and settled in a spot not too far from the bar.
There I was boogeying and bopping away having a jolly old time - turned around and there he was sitting there on a stool, looking at me as some girl was stood inbetween his legs giving him the come on for sure. I thought it best to let them crack on and carried on dancing and glancing over every one in a while just so that he knew that I still had him covered :)
Over came a very drunk 20 year old boy who was trying to ask me for a dance, but barely able to stand and gob smacked when I told him how old I was, he moved on :) So then back to my guy, still chatting to the girl, still giving me a 'once in a while' glance - so I waited and waited. At long last, she turned around and walked away and I knew that this was it - this was the time to out all the previous night's seminar work into action - to embrace my 'inner slut' and to be open to love again - so I just thought f**k it - I'm gonna go and talk to him - which is exactly what I did - 'hi my name is........., how are you?'. He was lovely - just lovely - not some ratbag dude just looking to get laid - I could feel the sincerity in his eyes and he just grabbed my hand and rushed me to the dance floor.
Hand on heart the best dance ever - and we just hugged - it was so so beautiful - he didn't make a move to snog me or do anything besides be` in that moment - and after we just went back to our little spot and held hands like teenagers. And then hugged some more - I wanted to kiss him so bad, but my friends were kinda front row and I thought it tacky, plus I feared that the room would start to spin as I had had quite a lot to drink by then.
He didn't have his phone on him so he wrote his number down on the back of a receipt - and I did the same thing - "I'm not ringing you first" was the very next thing that I said - I was determined that I wasn't going to chase his ass - and we smiled and hugged some more. Then the lights came on - the night was over and I had to get my friend home as he had almost fallen asleep on the stool. So the guy and his friends left.
Next day I text him and he replied and said "I want to see you again really soon" - that was 2 weeks ago - so that was a bloody long 'really soon'.
But let me also add this, every single person that I have told this tale too, and I wish to God that I had kept my gob shut, has had something to say - dream crushers the bloody lot of them - yes it is not their fault for trapping off but mine for listening, I did the same thing with the Slovenian. And I have now in the space of just 2 weeks sabotaged it, pushed him away, he's probably just shy of thinking that I am a loony toon and won't touch me now with a barge pole. So we have had "Oh well, at least your heart is open again and if it doesn't work out blah blah blah", "Oh he must be out fucking a blonde that's why he hasn't called you", "Oh you mustn't have any expectations", "Oh he's just not that into you" and the list goes on and on and on.
And here I am thinking, do I do this to you? Do I shit all over your happiness when you tell me a story? Do I sit there and judge and throw your shit back in your face. 9 times out of 10, I am confident that I do not. In fact I have been called Pollyanna more than once as I always have a positive spin. So listening to this bullshit, and with the now impregnated seeds of doubt, I have fucked it up. Cos let's face it I don't deserve a happy ending, I will not find my prince and I will be the one paying for sperm one day.
I feel like nobody believes in me anymore, they question my guidance and my intuition and to make things worse, I end up doing exactly what they say - so perhaps they are just reflecting my own doubts back to me.
So Friday night was the last straw as I listened to an old friend over drinks banging on about how I should date some more guys too and out myself out there - not have any expectations - to which after 3 hours of badgering me I just finally said "I wish you would just shut the f&&k up". Of course he hated me for it - stormed off after he said that he will never talk to me again. So there you have it, no guy and one less friend, potentially.
Happy now? Happy that I can be that same person that I have always been - would a change in my circumstance threaten you so much that you have to keep crushing my happiness...........................all I ask is that you think before you say something next time or as my Mom says, if you`ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all`!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dear friend Alex passed away a few days ago, I already miss him dearly, I know that he would have said `Homes, take no notice of those bastards, and do what makes you happy`. I hope that wherever you are Alex that the sun shines on you every day, every moment of every day, I miss how you made me laugh.
I`ve fucked up again Alex.
I`ve fucked up again Alex.
