Blame

 

 

 

 

The reason why I look to blame myself Krystal is simple - because I do blame myself - because on some level I knew how he would treat me - I knew that he would get to a point where he had no value in me whatsoever - I knew that I would go back to him time and time again and let him destroy me - I knew that no matter what I intuited, or what my soul was telling me to do most clearly that I would keep going back for more - to be ignored - and treated like shit - to keep battering myself up against him - begging from the inside out for him to like me - for him to want me - for him to understand me - for him to talk to me - for him to just talk to me - for him to save me - yes, for him to save me - to save me from myself - to hold me by the wrists as I knelt on the floor and to pull me up - to carry me - oh please God, just to carry me just for a few steps because the load is more than I can bare most of the time - what I have done is too much - what I let happen was too much - what I let him do was too much - and I let him do that to me - I let him do that to me.

 

 

I used to walk up those stairs knowing what would take place - knowing that in just moments I would be looking up at that poster wishing I was somewhere else, somebody else - my soul so far out of my body that I am not even sure where it used to go. Why do I blame myself Garry? Cos I let him do that to me - I didn't stop him - I didn't tell him to get off me - I didn't stay downstairs with my Grandma - I didn't go into the garden with my GrandPa - I didn't opt to stay downstairs and watch TV - I went up there time and time again - and then you have the classic response that I was a child - and that I didn't know any better and that he should have known - well you know what every cell in my being intuited what was going to happen and I did nothing to stop it - NOTHING! I let him do that to me - with my cousins and my brother standing there - and you know what by God now I think I know why my broether looks at me that way - why he looks at me with those eyes - why he resents me and is angry with me - it's cos I fucking did nothing - how could he not have known on some level what was happening to me?

 

That's why he rejects me.

 

And all I want HIM to do it to appreciate me - to see me - to value me.

 

Fuck me I think what I have just written is the single most profound thing that has just made the most sense to me.

 

So what now Krystal? What do I do now to get passed almost 40 years of programming? What do I do to get passed the learned behaviour that is in my cells - how do I get passed how I have let myself down? How do I get passed the lowsy choices I have made? How do I forgive myself for the times that I have text again and again and again in the hope that this time, maybe this time he will like me - maybe this time he will send me a smile - maybe this time he will take me out for that drink - maybe this time he will make that effort - maybe this time he will ask me a question - maybe this time he will see me.

 

Two days ago I made a vow to myself as I held the photo of me when I was just 6 months old - sitting in my white dress - blue cardigan and little red shoes - I vowed that I will never ever let a man use me again - I will never ever offer my body to a man again who has not taken the time to look into my eyes and see who I am - I vowed that I will never again ignore my inner guidance - that voice that speaks to me and tells me that he doesn't value me - and now by God I am going to honour that vow. You see it's like this Garry, the more I begged him to see me and like me, the more I tried to force that to happen - the more I needed for him to understand me - to just talk to me and get to know me - the more he felt 'desperation' - it must have felt like desperation to him - it certainly wasn't what was coming from me - what was coming from me was the purest most innocent search to connect with someone - again to connect with someone beyond the need to just hop into bed - well we can conclude that it didn't work out for me this time.

 

And at this time I can only imagine who that 'successful' man will be - I'm not looking for your regular 'Tom, Dick or Harry' - I am looking for a someone who has embraced his own heart - has embraced compassion and does not run from love - someone who is ready to make a commitment to us - and every time he sees that panic in my eyes, the same panic that that bastard used to see, he will grab me by the wrists and lift me from the floor and carry me - carry me for the few steps that I need to be carried until one day I realize that it wasn't my fault - that I don't need to keep punishing myself - carry me until that moment I believe that the world is safe - carry me until I believe it is safe to love - until I am safe.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYcXjJXxqVM&feature=related

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wishes

 

 

They all come with lessons, these experiences called life. I came home last night after a couple of glasses of wine knowing exactly what I had to do, and it all coincided nicely with the 'Blue Moon' - not too sure what a 'Blue Moon' is but I do know that the night of a full moon is the best time to let go of old 'stuff' - to release. I removed him from LinkedIn - and how nuts does that sound, that one of the most painful things that I have done so far in years is to remove someone from my LinkedIn contacts - but so symbolic - I know that one day he will look as his 'whose looked at me list' and although he will see my name, I won't be there as a connection anymore. I wonder how he will feel if anything at all. You see for weeks now we have been playing a game of tennis, where one day he looks at my profile and a few days later I look at his - without an exchange of words. So I thought instead of being a dick, I would send him a text message - and did - and of course still no reply after 4 days. He probably had me down as some right deseprado by now - but in all honesty I don't care what he thinks as how could he know anything about me when we haven't exchanged anything but text messages in two months. But anyways back to the night of deleting him - and then I went and found the piece of paper that he had given me with his number on it - and thought about it long and hard before my fingers started doing the talking and shredded it and flung it in the toilet bowel.

 

Now let me be very clear none of this was easy for me - I cried and cried and cried - and cried even more when I went back and saw that the ink from the pen he had used had turned the water in the bowel a funny colour - I have no idea why that set me off. I have the contents of 2 Tesco's carrier bags hanging from my eyes today - and it doesn't really feel any better than it did yesterday. And I am still wondering and trying to make sense of why I have had such a tough time with this.

 

Why do we run from love - why did he run from love? Okay so if he ran from love then that means I run from love as he is a reflection of me otherwise I would not have attracted him into my life - and as I stood at the kitchen sink washing my dishes I remembered that as a child I would equate love to strings and attachments and some type of ownership and imprisonment - that some guy would some how trap me and want me to be his property - I have no idea why at such a tender age I had these notions. But that was it - the lightbulb moment - all the guys that I have ever truly fallen for have been the same way - here I am trying to love them and the more I love them, the faster they run - and run and run. Thinking that same thing that I did - that in some way I was trying to possess them, own them - take away their freedom.

 

 Nothing could be further from the truth - I don't want to own anybody. I heard something said in a movie yesterday, some cheesy chick flick about the number of guys some chick had slept with - 'What's your Number' I think - and in it she says 'Being In Love Means Being Yourself' - never a truer word spoken - aren't we all just looking for that 'special' someone that will ove us just the way we are. I feel like I am off topic as my thoughts are all over the place at the moment.

 

 Anyways when I woke this morning there was no regret - there was no 'Oh fuck what have I done?' as I know that I have done the right thing. I popped on my laptop to play my meditation music - it is something that I have started to do just recently as I feel that it is important to create that space for serenity and sanctuary to come into your morning so that it sets you up for the day - and I carried on looking at the links and my fingers found the most beautiful video I think I have ever seen - and a song that plays toward the end. OMG it is like 'heart music' - it also sounds like the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.

 

I've had it on replay all afternoon.

 

I'm going to say it and I know that some of you will think that I am crazy - but I think I was in love with him - and I don't mean the sticky love that comes from those words that people say often times when what they mean is 'don't ever leave me as I don't know what I would do without you' - it was the unconditional love that had opened up after my 'dating and sex' session 2 months ago - you see the thing is my heart was WIDE OPEN - probably the most open it has ever been - and I was happy that night when we met in that club - and when I saw him, I feel the connection instantly - and to hold him felt like the most natural thing I have ever done - and I didn't want to jump him - it felt purer than some base need to screw - I felt like I had found what I had been looking for - and even if just for those few hours when my heart stayed wide open and I have no recollection of saying goodbye a part of me wishes that we hadn't exchanged numbers - that all this fear and baggage had not had space to take root to destroy all that love. And I would have smiled at a memory instead of feeling this clamp in my chest right now - this heaviness that keeps me grounded in pain. But what I wish more than anything else in the whole world is that I had never told a soul about him - not a thing - na-da - I wish that I had not opened myself up to their doubts and their experiences and their bullshit - that's what I wish.

 

So that is my take-away from all of this - for once in my life to keep shut - and to listen to my own guidance.

 

I have attached the link to the song that I found this morning - the lyrics are beautiful - and if you go to the second link you will hear it play alongside the awesome video I found too (play it from 48 minutes along until the end if you are pushed for time). Is there ever a doubt that He guides us to find what we need just when we need it? I don't think so :)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdCRtQTL6LM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEk0bamXv6k&feature=related