A deep sadness has loomed over me for weeks now - weeks - days - hours - minutes - night after night just me, myself and I - and my questions - lots and lots of questions. You know when you have forgotten what it feels like to belly laugh - and find peace? I haven't heard a peep from the guy - not a thing - not a text - not a missed call - nothing at all! And yes, you have to have as sense of perspective - but I'm sure we've all been there - I can't help getting back to the same point, if I just knew what had happened, why he changed his mind, in fact if anything changed, or did he just not have the gumption to follow through - would it not have been fair just to let me know that he made up his mind and decided to stay in the situation that he was in? Or should I just assume because of the silence?
One evening this week, I was sitting here watching the 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' - honestly it's just about the only time that I stop thinking over and over and over - I think half the reason I do that is cos I have nothing else going on - it's different isn't it when you're around family - life happening - or kids to cook tea for - or errands to run - or friends popping by - just something - life? And I was so lost in my thoughts seconds after the show finished, that I knew the only way to stop the 'monkey mind' was to do my meditation - so that is exactly what I did - I prayed first that God point me in the right direction - provide me with some answers.
I lay down in bed and talked to myself - as I used to when I was a little girl - and I listened to my story - bottom line is is that I am feeling really really hurt - I'm hurting - maybe because I am feeling rejected, not good enough, abandoned or just plain confused. How do you go from such a lovely day to an exchange albeit over the cell phone to 'nothingness'? I was so confused. So I started to look at the situation from the outside - away from all the fantasy - and illusion - the illusion and fantasy tale that I myself had created. And it came to me - crystal clear - I had created this whole story - making him the 'ideal' - 'the one' - the one I was meant to be with - the foundation of that being the amount of times fate had brought us together - surely that was proof enough!?! But then stepping out of the illusion and the movie that I had created, I asked myself 'so how would it really go now if he did text me, how would it go if we did meet up for a drink?'.
I am not sure that there is a single thing that he could say to me that could compensate for the hurt that I have felt over the past few weeks - not a thing - even 'sorry' would miss the mark unless he was about to own his stuff - and then would we really be able to sit there and have that candid a conversation? And then imagine the coffee date, lying there I pictured it - even with all the pleasantries, part of me would be hissing - again hurting over the time that has passed by and him leaving me with 'nothing' by way of closure. Smile on my face - but deep down I would know that he has done something to me that feels so cruel - because it reminds me so much of how the Slovenian treated me - and with that knowledge you know the something that I know? I know that he could do it to me again and again and again. Once bitten twice shy. I have been driving myself crazy insane over someone I know nothing about - I don't know his favourite colour, movie, song, food - nothing!!!!! I haven't even touched him - and here I am creating an illusion. Putting him into the deluded picture of bliss that I have in my head that never materialises anyway.
My definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I figure bollocks to him - the story and the illusion - bollocks to that story I had written and high time that I found me a new one - one that is forged in reality - where I actually have a 'Happy Ending' for me! And now what, what will happen when I see him at the next work event, or the next Xmas party - well I'll do what I know how to do - I will glaze my eyes over and look straight through him as if I am looking through a window - and he will never ever know the hurt he caused me - the hurt I caused me.
I remember a friend of mine once said to me 'you only have to get it right once' - I guess my panic is will I ever get it right at all?
And I hope now that I can finally wake from the sadness that swept over me for days and days and days.
Apart from that not much else has been going on - not that I've been aware of anyways - I have bought myself 10 hot yoga classes and will do my best to get back to classes over the long weekend. All my favourite shows have started up for the spring, 'Mad Men' and 'Game of Thrones'. Work is going well - some challenges but nothing too crazy. The cherry blossom is out and the leaves are starting to bud on the trees outside my apartment window which is super nice to see. Spring is finally here :)
I found this link during the week - how timely :) Have a lovely week.
