Have I told you lately......................

I don't know what it is or how it happens, but in those quiet moments when my mind and heart are in stillness, as I sort out my closet or water the plants and listen to the rain; in awe that my apartment is again fast becoming my little treehouse - he finds his way into my being. The subtle memories, it can be a song, something he said or something we laughed at. Oh and I say treehouse because every spring and summer as the trees and bushes fill out, I feel like I am living in a lush green forest. It's SO beautiful.

So yes - the Slovenian is back - back in my thoughts again - I sit here and shake my head :)

So let's get to the end of this chapter - to the last moments that we shared - albeit some years ago.

I had called him and made it very clear that I cared for him and wanted to see him again - I don't think I had held anything back - I am unable to share anything I said to him as it was the day of my works' summer party and I was absolutely out of my mind with alcohol. I booked the ticket the next day and was here by the weekend. We stayed for a week in a hostel in Downtown Vancouver, a building that  now no longer exists, it is now just another high rise apartment block.

It was lovely to see his face again at the airport - he was pacing up and down - anxious I guess and when he saw me, I just wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around him, but in my composed and 'held back' way, I just walked up to him and we greeted each other awkwardly. He introduced me that very evening to some of his friends - all of them smoking hot salsa dancers, beautiful young women and men, university students who made me feel inadequate - no hold on a minute - I did that all by myself. I had put on a few pounds since my return from Australia and my self-esteem was at an all time low. It was strange being in his world - I was here with the sole intention of telling him that I loved him and that I wanted to marry him - how ludicrous in hindsight :)

He had reluctantly taken me to meet with his sister and stepmother one afternoon - they lived in the east end somewhere. We had sat there eating olives, cheeses and crispbread; and I had nervously sat laughing at 'Meet the Parents' - I was howling at the bit where he sets light to the house chasing after Jinxy the cat :) The Slovenian looked at me as if I was a loony tune. Even now I drive passed the bus stop that we had sat at waiting for the bus on the way back to the Downtown core - it's right outside a wedding dress shop - that's the only reason I remember.

The trip was horrid to be fair - we were both really awkward around each other - I actually was a complete loony tune around him in all honesty - somehow all the confidence, spark and allure that I had had in Australia had been swallowed up and consumed in the shame, embarrassment and guilt that I felt for the way that I had behaved with him. I was not yet able to let it go - or able to forgive myself. So I was a complete emotional mess and the muddle in my head was expressing itself in my actions - which made me skittish and nuts - I was paranoid and neurotic.

We had fought too - at one point this led to me stepping out of the window onto the roof of the gym just inches below and acting out - expecting him to come out after me - of course he didn't.

I went back home to the UK more dis-empowered than when I got there - I can't even find the words to emphasize how low I was in the days that followed. I was completely lost. But I kept up the contact with him. I think it fluxed between sending him words of love one day and sending him words of hate the next. Poor guy. Poor me!!!!

I think a year had passed and I found the courage to go back - back to Vancouver again to win him over - OMG!!!!! Glutton for punishment. I had booked a weeks' stay at a Holiday Inn - and had told him that I was going there to secure a job - a lie of course. I was going there to finally tell him how I felt about him - I had never ever told him how I really felt - perhaps if I did I would stop torturing myself.

I got to the hotel room and after settling myself in, I called him - I heard words that completely devastated me to my core - I think it was Monday and on Friday of that week, he was leaving Vancouver - he was leaving for Sydney, he was going to live there. It was too late, too little and too late. It was over and there was nothing I could do. He gave me his address and I was going to get a cab to his place - it was quite a ways away - Fleming Street - he had mentioned something about Ian Fleming when giving me the address. I had gotten ready - obviously expecting him to be there alone. The taxi driver had a job finding the place - but we got there in the end. When I walked into his basement suite, I was disappointed when I saw that he had friends there and that one of them happened to be a smoking hot blonde girl - not even 20 years old who was scantily clad and busting out her hip hop moves. They were all pretty young apart from him. I was caught off guard - and was not feeling particularly safe or secure around these new people and was also completely ungrounded. I was not in my body - sure the jetlag didn't help.

As I continued to take it all in - I realized that blondie was totally in the Slovenian's space - which completely spun me out - I was frozen in shock - disbelief and terror - what the hell was going on? Were they or weren't they together? His guy friend talked to me and did his best to make me feel comfortable and I could not for the life of me bring myself to speak to the Slovenian - I simply could not find the words - I was dumb struck. In shock!!!!! I felt my body begin to shake - I was literally trembling. I didn't know what to do so I just stayed there. Then blondie sat on his knee as they looked at the computer screen - okay so now it was crystal clear!!! What a complete b**tard!!!!!

And it gets worse - minutes later - they both, the Slovenian and blondie went into his bedroom TOGETHER!!!!! I got up to leave and had asked the other dude if he had any smokes - I needed a smoke badly - he didn't and he asked that I calm down and then I explained to him why I had come to Vancouver - to tell the Slovenian how I felt about him - finally tell him the truth - the truth shall set you free as they say.  

They both came back out and he pulled up the zipper on his shorts - yes - you've read it right!!!!! The zipper on his shorts.

His friend dragged him out the the garden and spoke with him - no idea what he said but on his return he called me into his bedroom where he had just been with blondie - said that he needed to talk to me. I went in - devastated - he had told me that he did it because I had not spoken to him properly and he didn't know if I was interested in him. Honestly as I write this I cannot even imagine the damage that this night did to me - He told me that he 'cared for me now' - really???? Like really????? That's how you care for a girl. He even went to far as to ask me to stay the night - needless to say, I did not. I went back to the hotel. I think a part of me died that night - or a part of my soul splintered off and ricocheted so far into the universe and I'm only now seeing how 'hideous' that night had been.

Where do you search to find the love and light in this situation? I can see now why my heart shut down.

The next evening we met one of the same guys that I had seen during the first trip. The Slovenian had conveniently left some stuff in my hotel room with the obvious intent to come back for it that evening after drinks. And of course he did - I was in 'tough girl' mode and was determined not to get intimate with him, letting him think that I was easy. It's funny now to think back to the complete theatrics he put himself through to get himself to the bed - he pretended that a plug had somehow found it's way magically underneath the bed - it had weaved its way under the bed cover too :) Awwwwww :) We both lay awake the whole night - still - rigid - afraid to move - afraid of the rejection if one had made a move on the other.

We had walked all the way to Kitsilano Beach one afternoon and sat on one of the logs. There was a middle-aged fisherman, knee deep in water casting his net out. Apart from the 3 of us, there was no one else on that beach in those few moments. He finished whatever he was doing and walked up to us and without saying 'hello, how are you etc etc' - he just held his two forefingers up and brought them together and said "you two belong together". He walked away from us, and well that would have been the most opportune time for him to kiss me - it was there hanging in the air, this plapable physical thing, call it desire, that neither one of us acted on.

I can't believe how hard it is for me to relive this - these memories - I'm stunned at the emotion that it still stirs up for me - how little self-love I had - we both had in actual fact. The biggest and most profoundly important lesson that I have learnt in my life is that 'you can only give and receive love if you love yourself" - if you feel worthy of it.

Okay - so to tie things up - he had asked that I go with him to the airport - there was no room in the car - so they had to take two cars so that I could be there. Those few hours before we had been at a friends place - months before I had sent him an email from the UK with the song 'Have I told you lately that I love you?' - knowing that I would be looking around, the title popped up on the computer screen.  

I walk there now at the airport I mean - through the gates where they check your boarding cards and you leave the trolleys - I remember how he lent down to hold me and told me to 'live my dream' - I never did tell him that I loved him - I did, love him I mean - they may just have been been moments that existed - milliseconds when my heart was wide open and trusting - moments when I loved him with my entire being - but they were real.

And then he was gone.

There is still so much to for me to take from this experience in my life - I don't think I have really made sense of it - I probably never will.

But did I tell you that there are moments when my heart and my mind are in stillness - when I am watering my plants or cleaning my closet when he comes back into my whole being - moments where I don't know whether to laugh or cry????

Another one bites the dust

Nothing and I mean nothing on this planet makes me feel lonelier than holiday season - NOTHING!!!!

I am sitting here - the sun has just set and I am watching a tragic movie with Jennifer A and some kid she decides to have without a guy. All her movies seem to be the same - or is it that her character is the same? Boring!!!!! So you ask - why am I watching it? Well it's easy watching as I type.

So it's been a week since I last wrote and in my world of dating or should I say online dating - another one has bit the dust already - in just 3 weeks IT'S DONE!!!!! :) I laugh cos I have forgotten how to cry or perhaps I am just unable to tap into those emotions for now - but believe the moment will come when I was be at the peak of my neurosis and have a break down, probably the day I turn 40 and there is no-one to share a kiss with as I pay for my $1100 Louis Vuitton bag!!!!! :))))

So I got chatting to this dude online - guess where he was from?? - no surprise really - Sydney - Australia - have we not been chatting about that place for some weeks now? :) Originally from the UK and with a super sexy hot accent - sounded like a 'real' man. Phoned me the first day that we clicked on each other and I gotta tell you - shoulda known things wouldn't work as he'd told a couple of fibs on his profile. When he said 'no' kids - what he actually meant to say was 'yes I have two kids'. So even though my whole being was like 'what the ****', I still continued to talk to him - no this was either cos I was bored, it filled the time, or perhaps the universe was telling me that it was time for me to let go of the Slovenian - the fact that he too lives in Sydney now should come as no surprise.

So two kids and an ex-wife who I had already had in my mind as the 'maniac' - red flags!!!!! We got to a point where we were texting, emailing and talking every single day - it's amazing how quickly someone becomes part of your life. His profile picture painted a picture far from what I am normally attracted to but I think I was drawn in by the attentiveness and dreams of landing in Sydney Australia. Of course I questioned my motive - but his link to the UK and ability to 'match me' punch for punch was attractive.

However, I kept getting the same 'excuse' from him - Destiny he would say would be what would bring up together or keep us apart - which meant that he had to do absolutely nothing - na-da - zip!!! Nothing!!!! I told him that 'you still have to take hold of the steering wheel you know'. There were moments when it felt like an addiction - could I actually go a day without connecting with him - I wasn't sleeping properly - I swear it was because we already had these energetic hooks in each other that were slowly but surely zapping me of vitality - I realized that this situation in just days had the power to lift me up and throw me back down again - a rollercoaster - I had done it again. I had given away my power. Manifested an addiction.

So I heard excuse upon excuse and then it all came to a head last weekend when he told me that he doesn't want to have kids YET!!!! What do you mean you don't want kids yet? We covered this ground at the very beginning and yet you have still pulled me down this track knowing that you cannot deliver on my number one non-negotiable. I lost it - there were a couple f-bombs thrown out there and again he was trying to suck me back into this drama.

I could see how this thing was playing out - the drama - the sheer drama - the game - and as I said to him, I was amusing him - filling in the gaps - and worse than that he had admitted that he has an emotional wall up. And I am no fool - I am not the one who is going to tear that down for him - he can do the bloody work - I've done mine. So with my reality fast becoming being wide awake at 3am and feeling depleted, I knew I had to honour myself and let him go. Oh I forgot the clinker - the straw that broke the camel's back. His parents live like in the same building as him - that traditional East Indian set up where I would move in and take care of his kids, him and the parents - SCREW THAT!!!!!!! Be scrutinized - have no friends - no remote control - no car and hand my earnings over to him at the end of my work week.

NO WAY!!!!!

So it's been 3 days since I sent him on his way - a friend called and left a message and as a result his old voicemail came up on my phone and played out - so I listened to his voice again. I did cry - just a couple tears - I felt it in my heart - and it was that 'giving up' - that feeling of realizing that the dream I had conjured in my head and in my heart was not going to happen - isn't it beautiful all that hope that we are filled with at the beginning?

But you know what - no hard feelings - I can't even begin to touch what is going on his life - all I can do is reach into myself and feel the compassion for a man who is in a situation that binds him from realizing his dreams.

Oh well - onwards and upwards - Mercury is out of retrograde as of tomorrow and I know that next week will bring a whole slurry of change. Some of us are just 'late bloomers' :)

'Better late than never' I say :)

The abduction

Two days now and I have been toying with the idea of moving to Toronto. There is a lot more work there and with it being a financial hub, I would be able to pick up a contract in no time. But you know how it is, as the thing played out with K just a few days ago - the upping sticks and leaving just seems like a really big deal. The apartment, the car, the clothes, the stuff, the books - the possibility of leaving it all here and putting it into storage but then you get there and have nothing besides what you squeeze into one 20kg suitcase. Finding a new place - hoping the area is safe and convenient and that you don't have nutters for neighbours. It is so much easier to just wait it out here knowing that something will come up at some point. The fact that I have resigned myself to the wait makes my ego very uneasy too - the panic has subsided and I have just surrendered to the process - enjoying the time instead of beating myself up. Where would be the point in that? I have learnt to be content with a lot less than I thought I needed.

However, with my 40th looming - not so long to go - I have spotted a Louis Vuitton purse that is just adorable and which woman at 40 doesn't deserve a treat? :) But with it being the price of a flight to the Bahamas, a week in Mexico or a month's rent - I may have to re-think :)

Just have to wait until all my ducks are in a row! :)

I jest with the title, however something that happened during those days before I left Australia for the UK still gives me shudders.

It was mid-afternoon and I was sitting on one of the benches in Hyde Park - I was pleading with the universe to help me - give me a sign - anything that would ease the discomfort in my heart over the Slovenian. Being of Indian descent, I thought that it would be of great comfort to me to find a temple in the Downtown core somewhere and just as I had that thought, an Indian guy walked in front of me. He looked at me and I asked him if he knew where the local temple was. He was heavily accented and said that I was to follow him.

Now let me just get this straight in my head - a STRANGER that I have just met in the middle of a park in Sydney has asked that I follow him - And get this straight - what did I do? I followed him. YES - you hear right!!!!

We weaved in and out - on streets - on pavements in a residential area - built up houses and quiet - very quiet. It still hadn't occurred to me to put two and two together and get the **** out of there and head back. Head back? I didn't even know how to get back.

This weirdo said that we would go back to his place and have some tea and then he would take me to the temple - it was not much further. It was there - definitely there in my gut as we walked up the steps to his building - the doubt and the awareness of the sheer stupidity of what I was doing - but my fear of offending him far outweighed my own safety. What the BLEEP!!!!!!

So in we went - into his barren apartment - pictures of his family on the wall - in fact we walked through the kitchen first and then on into the lounge where there was a mattress on the floor. I don't need to tell you where I sat - YES - you got it - on the corner of the mattress which was on the floor - not even a bed post - just this skanky mattress on the floor - could it have been more seedy. Sitting on the corner there I knew that this was not where I should be. It felt WRONG. He had said that he was boiling some milk for tea 'Awwww' I thought - 'how sweet' - he came and sat right next to me and I felt that he was hitting on me - his energy was definitely predatory and I was getting the instinctive signal to 'get the hell out of there'.

Minutes passed - in fact - a lot of minutes passed and I thought, what the **** has happened to that milk - it must be at least half an hour by now. I asked him too - he got up and went to the kitchen - not realizing that I was behind him and that was when I saw the ****er turn the dial on the cooker - he hadn't even out the hob on - the sly ***tard!!!!! 

Did I need any more signs????? Okay this time I knew I had to get out - got my bag and told him that I was leaving. I ran out of the door - with that maniac hurling insults after me as I ran down the stairs.

I prayed as hard as I could for a cab - I had no idea where I was AT ALL - and would you believe it - one drove past me right there and then and stopped at the bottom of the street - I have not embellished one iota. I ran to grab it and found my way home.

This stands out as one of the most stupid things I have ever done - it still pops in my head from time to time - the fortuity of having that cab drive by me when it did - the fact that I even went into some strangers home in the first place - not a soul in the world apart from he and I knew that I was there.

Can you even begin to imagine how this tale could have played out?!?

The video

I completely forgot to mention that he had filmed me - and no - not that kind of film! :) It was when we were taking the ferry to Manly Beach - he had completely caught me off guard and when I caught him filming me, I was so utterly freaked out - I don't even know why that was - but I reacted like a complete freak!! And it was all on film - I looked petrified and it was certainly not something that I wanted him to see over and over again. There were other snaps too which were very beautiful - it's amazing how different we look when we relax.

So - in my complete madness and paranoia, now that things were over between us, I wanted that film back - or at the very least deleted. But how was I going to do that? We weren't talking anymore and I highly doubted that he would just be forthcoming especially as I had pushed him down some steps during an altercation - probably drink induced - he was a big guy - the 4 steps were nothing but no, that is not the point.

I found out who was staying in the same dorm as him. Cunningly I got this guy to let me in to the room when the Slovenian was not there and I took the film from his backpack. I think it was 2 lots of video tape and some photo reels as well. I'm so embarrassed writing this :) And then I text him to let him know that I had it - I kid you not - he turned the corner of that street in Sydney like The Terminator and I full on legged it. Ran!!

Next day when I went back to the hostel, all of my stuff and I mean - ALL OF MY STUFF - was packed neatly - backpack and all in the back office. The Slovenian had grassed me up and I was being thrown out of the hostel. Can you imagine the shame! I was completely mortified. Devastated and mortified.

I moved on from there and back to the other hostel that he and I had stayed at when we first got to Sydney from Byron Bay. I had booked a ticket to go to Melbourne on my own and see how I faired down there - truth be told I got cold feet and ended up booking a ticket back to the UK. That's number 2 in my list of 'top ten most regretful moments'. 

In my loneliness and unhinged-ness I felt that I had no other option - I do have regrets even to this day but as I write now, that decision may actually have saved me from doing something really silly. I was in a very un-safe headspace and I was beating myself up incessantly for what I had done. In fairness, this 'relationship' had made me nuts - I had no-one that I could lean on. There was no-one there that I could trust. Word had spread in my circle about my being thrown out of the hostel and to be honest, the humiliation was more than I could bear.

I felt like he had stolen my dream - I had wanted to stay there in Australia - in Sydney. He had to have known that getting me out of the hostel was going to cause devastation for me - but yes - I should not have taken his camera film.

OMG - the drama!!!!!

You'd think it's over now right? Oh no - this story had still not reached 'THE END'.

Oh and by the way - I threw the film into Darling Harbour - and the camera reels, I had them processed - I had convinced myself that there would be a tirade of scantily clad women clinging to him, shot after shot after shot - what I actually found were 'boring' shots of him on safari - and a lovely one of the two of use together in Sydney with the bridge in the background.

My stomach churns as I write - a decade later - my next meditation will focus on forgiving myself for what happened here and 'letting go'. I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time and hold that girl that I was - so frighteningly damaged. I will honour one thing right now though, I know that he was the catalyst for the healing in my life. I was forced to look at my life - piece by piece - picking it apart as only I could - beating myself up and hating myself, loathing myself even for what happened - I carried so much guilt. If he had not been so aesthetically beautiful and the guy from my dream, I don't think I would have listened to him. I want to hold that girl and commend her for her courage. It reminds me of a story called the 'Little Soul and the Sun'. Please take the time to read it.

I did see him again - on 2 separate visits to Vancouver - I will get to those at some point. It's safe to say there was no 'Happy Ending' - but now - you know what I'm not sure that that isn't true.

His return

I have had 3 pigeons just come up and sit on my balcony today - would love to know what they mean in animal spirit terms. We've had two gorgeous days of sunshine and rain is forecast for the remainder of the week. I'm not thrilled at that prospect - it would be lovely to just pack up and go on vacation right now - just a week - under the sun. With the lack of positive leads on the work front, I feel that a holiday would shift things a little for me.

Anyways - there is a lot of good stuff to focus on too.

So back to my trip in Sydney I guess, I feel that we need to get to the end of this - truth be told, I have only just let go of it. It has taken me this long.

So I had just met with the guy from Chicago - the Slovenian got back to Sydney some 2 weeks after September 11th - I met him at the train station and he was red as a berry. We hung out in Hyde Park, sitting on a bench under the trees, watching the animals tinkering around and hooking up - it was really quite beautiful there with what looked like Christmas lights intertwined with the branches and leaves.

It was lovely to see him again and of course he was as gorgeous as I had remembered. I had foolishly quit the job as well now that he was back - and we hung out on the beach and had arranged to meet with Chicago and another girl that night for pizza. Call it sixth sense but when we all got together in the group, I felt that he was watching my every move like a hawk ready to catch me out or trip me up. He was convinced that Chicago and I had been together. I gotta tell you that even when I haven't done anything wrong, I get jittery and just have one of those faces that says that it was me that stole the pie - when I haven't.

I remember that he questioned my being at a burger place - when I didn't eat meat - Chicago and I had gone there probably after a drink or something - and I could not for the life of me string together the sentence and tell him that I had had the veggie option. We went to another bar and some chick, called Stacey or something, came up and full on grabbed his ass. Flirting with him and everything.

It became very clear to me and very soon, that these two guys had had an awful lot of fun in Sydney prior to me turning up - and they had spent a lot of time hanging out in King's Cross - an area renowned for strip joints and what not!

We had decided to go to Bondi Beach together for a couple days - In hindsight, I was like a lamb to the slaughter. On the way there, we had picked up a magazine and I remember him pointing to something that said that the 'relationship was doomed'. I was so on edge, I can't even begin to tell you. Impending doom I guess. We were staying at the local hostel and next day we hung out on the beach. That was it - there and then - staring up at the sun, he told me that we were done - that this 'wasn't interesting for him anymore' - those are still the most crushing words I have ever heard said to me.

It was like I took a shot - in fact 100 shots and he left me there for dead in the crowd of happy faces. I was devastated and in a spin. This guy was torturing me. If I knew then what I know now, and had the love for myself back then that I have now, I would have told him to go **** himself , headed back to the hostel, picked up my stuff and gone.

But no!!!!! I hung around for the aftermath of the slaughter too. So with no pride or dignity we took the bus home together, back to base camp - all of us, including Chicago sleeping in the same dorm. I have no idea and will never know whether he was paranoid about Chicago, banging someone else and making an excuse, paranoid or just well and truly done with me. Guess it was all of those things.

But I do recall that one afternoon, he asked me if we could talk - and I said no. That definitely gets into the 'top ten of my most regretful moments' - wonder if this would have been any different if we had taken that time to talk.

So now, here I was dumped and sharing a room with this schmuck - and emotionally devastated and my best friend was back in the UK and I had no-one to talk to. I kid you not, there were moments there sitting at Darling Harbour where I wished that I could idly slip into that water and never re-surface.

My soul was splintered - totally splintered - I was completely lost - lost in my head - trying to fathom out this disaster and with no tools to do so.

Should I stay or should I go now?

My friend K has asked me for some advice so here goes:

Question:

Diamond Girl, I need some advice, and you seem pretty well travelled now. I have just booked a month in Malta from 5th May, and the fear is getting to me. I intend to give up this flat, which drives me to boredom as does this town and move there for a month anyway. I figure I have nothing to lose by doing this and will at least be forced to make a change instead of stagnating in this flat and town. My writing job can be done anywhere, although part of the fear is that I move there and my job will dry up. I'm just in 'fear' scenario at the moment. I don't intend to live in Malta for good but save up hopefully enough money to move on somewhere else, maybe NY again for a while.

Any advice would be appreciated. Maybe you can give the answer on your blog.

K.

Here are my thoughts K:

Seems to me that your mind is already made up and you're just looking for a litle encouragement - confirmation that you have made the right decision.

I can reach out to my own experience and having spent just a week in Malta, can tell you that I loved it - the location - the sea - the closeness to Sicily too which hands down is one of the most beautiful and quaint places that I have ever seen. I can't recall the small seaside town that we went to - but it was somewhere that a renowned author spent much of his or her time writing - apologies that the name escapes me at this time. The views from that spot in Sicily were breath taking. And Malta is a very 'Britain' friendly country - the food is awesome, weather is fine and you will be inspired every day - who knows where this could take your writing to - It can be your very own Eat Pray Love :)

Also Mr K, I can tell you that just days before moving to Vancouver, I was still working - I went for lunch and whilst walking back to the office inbetween the high rise building, bustle of people grabbing lunch, shoppers and cobbled stones on the street - I had a feeling that I had never had in my life before. The walls of every building closed in on me and I could not breathe - it felt like the sky was falling in on me too and I called my colleague - he had to come and fetch me and walk me back to the office. I went into the washroom and my hands had gone clammy - I was having trouble breathing and I thought that my time had come - I was going to die here in the washroom of my workplace and be found on the floor - my hear was racing in my chest and I crouched down next to the wash basins and prayed - really hard - 'please don't let it be now - not here' - 'let my end be a little more graceful than this' - I was having what is commonly known as a PANIC attack!!!!!!

Change stirs up all manner of emotions, key ones being fear and an excitement that can be difficult to embrace.

That transformation and move K is already in your 'being' - you have done it already - now you simply have to do it in the physical and you will be and are just FINE. You are a strong and resilient man who will thrive - I have no doubt. The work is there and more will follow - just BE OPEN to the possibilities.

I read something in a book that stuck with me "Never doubt your ability to manifest" :) I am excited for you my Friend.

I hope I have helped you.

Meltdown 2

So I couldn't just continue and add to my last post cos it wasn't allowing me to 'justify' the text and with my complusive need for symmetry I have had to move onto a new one.

So yep - he was gone - back up the coast - of course I had been left with a whole heap of doubts and questions. And for the very first time in my life, I was sitting in a place where I knew no-one, there on Kent Street in Sydney - my girlfriend was now back in the UK and the only people I knew were the ones I had met at the hostel - it was scary and invigorating at the same time.

Because of this fear of being on my own, I latched onto a Mexican that was staying at the hostel too - I can't even remember his name now. We hung out and stayed in the same dorm, and both of us decided to head back to Byron Bay - in fact it was probably my idea. So that's what happened - back up the coast we went. I had sent the 'Slovenian' an email reflecting all of my insecurities, bet he just loved that :) And got a 2 or 3 line reply where he said that he was glad that I was finding my way - words to that effect at least. I was crushed, no 'I love you's' or 'can't wait to see you' or 'how have you been' - just very matter of fact.

I had started to replay our time together over and over and over - is there something I should have done or said that would have made me stay or even ask me to go with him? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? Why am I not good enough? Over and over and over - I kid you not it was like a non-stop record playing in my head - the 'purple people' in my head as he called them. I swear the pot hadn't helped my over-obsessive capability to think think think!!!!!!! I guess the label that they would give these days is 'He's just not that into you' :) Oh I chuckle as I write - wish I was the woman I am now back then. I had no idea who I was, what I did or didn't like, no boundaries and he had already pointed out, he chose me, I didn't choose him. I never really understood what that meant until recently. I had allowed this 'boy' to become my world - and my happiness depended on him. Oh my gosh - which sane person wouldn't run a mile unless he was as insecure too??

So yes - the Mexican and I were back in Byron Bay - of course he went off and did his own thing and I was just lost - completely lost. I used to walk on the beach re-living the moments that the Slovenian and I had shared. Back and forth - by now, I had created this perfect image of him in my head and nothing and no-one was going to spoil that for me.

I was in a fantasy - one that I had created.

The next few weeks waiting for him to come back were tough on me - Subway sandwiches, sushi, red wine and McDonalds Fillet-O-Fish had become my staple diet - and I was piling on the pounds. He and I had spoken a number of times - me doing all of the calling of course and worse than that, on a UK cellphone that I was paying roaming charges on - you don't even want to know how much my phone bill had been over those few weeks. Needless to say, I could have purchased a second hand car with the money I paid to Orange.

During one of these conversations, he had asked me if I had met this guy from Chicago in the hostel yet - oh yeah - I had switched hostels too just so that I could be in the one that he had first taken me too - OMG - how sad!!!!! :) So anyways, no I hadn't met Chicago yet - but you will never ever guess what - that very night - knock knock knock on the dorm door and the guys answered and there he was Chicago - of course he hit on me first and then when I realized he was a friend of the Slovenians, I asked him if he knew him etc etc.

The minute I told the Slovenian 'oh my gosh you'll never guess what' he thought that there was something going on between us - projecting his own stuff huh?!? :)

Somewhere in those few weeks, September 11th happened - I remember rolling back to the hostel tiddly with work the next day and looking at the horror on the faces of the guys that were staying in my dorm - looking at it on screen was a tad wierd - cos I had been drinking and also because just hours earlier I had been having a conversation with a friend and saying how no-one could touch the U.S - spooky to say the least and no word of a lie. I hadn't really realized the magnitude of the situation until I woke up the next day and everyone was talking about it at work. It's weird too how Australia felt like it was so far removed from the rest of the world.

I had started a temporary assignment with a company who were fully prepared to sponsor me so that I could stay in Sydney - it was awesome catching the bus over the Harbour Bridge every day and looking at the view back to the harbour from the deck where I worked - like my own little piece of heaven. I loved Sydney.

Okay - break time and I'm hungry - so catch up later.

Meltdown

Wow - what a week this has been - I think I hit my very first 2011 'rock bottom' this week and had a meltdown while chatting to my friend on Skype. Ever get to the stage where you really really wonder what it's all about? I have my 40th birthday looming this summer and while I am all over content and happy with where I am at, there is still so much that I want to accomplish. The last 40 years have gone at warp speed and like someone said to me once 'I am never going to be younger than I am at this very moment in time, so that's right now' - scary and true. And the panic that comes over me when I realize that although my wisdom and spirituality will flourish with time, my 'physical' is at it's prime and there really is only one way to go now - Oh gosh, doesn't the ego just suck???? :)

The meditation that I have been doing for the last 2 weeks from Maxima May has been transforming and all in line with the coming of Spring - it's amazing to again see the small green buds on the trees outside my window. Makes me smile.

Things are improving too on the job front - I had a number of interesting calls last week and it really is only a matter of time now before something drops - and then back on the treadmill we go.

Ever felt like you have been standing in your own way? Your own worst enemy so to speak? I realized that too this week - I had put the 'Slovenian Experience' and him on a pedestal - making it impossible for anyone to reach something that simply wasn't real in the first place. I had completely shut down and was paying homage to the past and had given up on the one thing that was so important to me once upon a time - LOVE.

So let's continue with the tale of the Slovenian - although I will need to read my previous posting and see where I had left off.