My Road Less Travelled

It's Christmas Eve - already - my how time flies - sitting here reading my book after watching a film that really got me thinking - 'Let's talk about Kevin' - be prepared for some really deep thoughts if you take that one on.

I bought 'Aleph' on the way home yesterday - the newest book by Paulo Coelho - I absolutely love every single book that he has written - and it never fails to amaze me that there is a message in each one of them for me - there is for every reader - but this one, well it just confirms that I am listening to my guidance - I am feeling a little dumb struck.

"And because I carried all that guilt around inside me, because victims always end up considering themselves to be the culprits, I decided to keep punishing myself. So in my relationships with men, I've always sought suffering, conflict and despair", Paulo Coelo - Aleph.

I walked out of the RMT's room last week - from the guy that does the deep tissue massage and he said to me 'You don't have to be drawn to pain anymore' - it was like a light bulb moment - we all have our guidance, knowing, inner knowing, teachings, things we've read or heard - and then someone somewhere says something so simple and so profound that it hits you right between the chest - and your heart explodes as confetti, stars and love hearts fill the air and tears fall like droplets from your eyes - cos you realize that your life really doesn't have to suck anymore - it really doesn't.

I had gone in there for my 4th session so far - I was like a grenade with the pin off - ready to explode - so much anger in me - I had been left devastated the night before - after having sent texts and after making phone calls to the people that mean something here to me, my circle of friends - I was left stranded on Friday night - my annual Christmas get together - the event that I organize. One by one, beginning on Thursday these 'friends' were falling off - excuse upon excuse - and I was so deeply wounded by the first 'excuse' email and triggered - once again I was that girl standing alone in the playground - without any friends - by Friday morning another text and then another and then another - another on the taxi ride home - until there were two - just two of us going - what a $hit show. I was feeling so unappreciated - I wished I had just stayed home to watch my soaps - single, alone and on my couch but at the very least safe and content.

By Saturday morning as I told the RMT as I walked in the room, I was like a stick of dynamite ready to blow. He said 'shall we try some EFT' - this involves body tapping - on the meridians to release build ups of emotions - we started with some drama at work - with someone who had behaved like a complete wanker for the last 2 days - realizing that I was pissed because he didn't share the same moral code as I did - and as the RMT got me verbalizing my anger followed by a positive affirmation, I felt the anger dissipate - until I saw him as a gift - someone that had got me to that dynamite space so that I could release it and heal.

Then the RMT said that it may also be a good time to do some healing around the inappropriateness of someones actions on me some years before during another massage session - someone who was not a professional and not qualified and obviously a f**king pervert who saw me coming a mile off. So we began - and of course it catapulted into something deeper - right at the core of me - and after some 30 odd minutes and hands over my face as I cried my little eyes out in front of this stranger - we got there - to how I had been punishing myself all these years - when you separate yourself from the story - you see that there's really nothing that you could have done differently. However, I had "always sought suffering, conflict and despair" with every single man I had ever attracted - ting ting ting jackpot!!!!!

You know when you've done something your whole life - and you realize that you don't have to do it anymore, it's like stepping into an abyss? - it's scary - ALL NEW - you have no map and no coordinates cos everything is new - so do I step off the edge or do I step back and go back to what I know? - well of course the answer is simple - it's time for this little butterfly to uncurl her wings and fly - I've been in this tower too long - tucked away - my heart is pounding - excited I think - creating my new story :)

I also had the most amazing news ever this week - I passed my citizenship test and will be a Canadian Citizen on the 6th January - it's the biggest thing I have ever achieved - when I think off all the obstacles that stood there in front of me the last 7 years trying to trip me and the people that wanted to see me falter - I thank God for those who carried me - and the most thanks goes to my Family - I miss them today like no other day- I know that they will all be sitting around the family table tomorrow eating Christmas Dinner - Mom will have cooked the lamb that by Brother loves so much - and my Dad will hold the knife and fork in his hands like a pro - good enough for a royal affair - and Mom will boil the kettle which will whistle out loud and pour the hot water to make gravy - my little Nephew will run around like a maniac before he is ordered to sit down - and me, me, I will sit here and pray again - hard - that God surrounds me with my loved ones next year. I can feel the skin on their cheeks pressed up on my lips as I can kiss them all - and oh how my heart hurts as I imagine how my Mom and Dad's eyes light up when we are together. I have often wondered why I separated myself from all that is so dear to me - and maybe I just felt that I didn't deserve them. No more!

Have a lovely Christmas all of you - and breathe them in - breathe in your loved ones - take a seond to be present when they look at you - smile at you - talk to you - your loved ones are your 'presents' :)

I know that I had promised to write more frequently but I kid you not the last two weeks have been mental busy both at work and socially. And there's no chance that I am going to get it all down in one sitting - thank goodness we have one lovely long weekend coming up next week. I am so looking forward to it. I am unable to do my usual 'italic' writing on here and to keep all the paragraphs aligned - so I will have to take a look at that over the next few days too.

I managed to stick my fingers together today with super glue - oh my gosh - if you could have felt the panic - there I was busily trying to get the amethyst back into the silver pendant frame and then I noticed that two of my fingers were bonded with glue - so frightening - I literally tore them apart hoping to God that I wouldn't tear the skin away too - thankfully after lemongrass oil, nail varnish remover and washing dishes I don't feel like I have lizard fingers.

Watched a great movie last night with Emily Blunt and Matt Damon - "The Adjustment Bureau" - it was very interesting - or at least I thought so.

So back to the Xmas party - in fact let's go back a little further than that - I met up for coffee with the Slovenians old best friend last week - the one that the Slovenian basically trained to be as big a jack ass as he was when it came to his philandering - and funny thing was the timing - I fianlly realized just the night before that I had created this whole fantasy with him, the Slovenian - a whole story - all these years on - some sort of romantic movie where I was the one playing it all out in my head - where in actual fact he was and has given me jack $hit for the last umpteen years. Okay so there is no need to beat myself up here - but it was an epiphany - and which woman wants that - a fantasy? It was not serving me in any way shape or form. So I prayed really hard that I would stop it - and stop drawing him into my life. And next morning I'm on LinkedIn and there's his mate's profile - he's back in Vancouver and I just said 'hi' as we had been talking on Skype a few months earlier.

I got an immediate response - in fact he was coming Downtown that afternoon for a conference and would I like to meet up for coffee? OMG my tummy did a tumble - why was this happening? What would I say to him 8 years on - I had bumped into him on the street about 6 years ago - but I was all of a flap. I have to add though that he was actually very good to me and very kind when the 'zipping' incident happened remember? The one where the Solvenian took the chick into his bedroom and came out zipping his pants up - well this was that guy - the one who literally scopped me up from having a breakdown.

So with my tummy hurling and erratic breathing I took the lift downstairs and met him in the foyer - and he was just as handsome and gentlemanly as I remembered him - we went for tea in the hotel restaurant next door - and we shared an hour chatting about this and that - his girlfriend and trip to Europe, work and the Xmas holidays - and not once did we bring up you know who - I have to say that my nerves went away after a few minutes. Not sure why I was so freaked out really - I think it was just weird to see someone from my past like that - someone that I connect with - but from a time in my life that I don't really connect with anymore. It was a great focal point to gauge how much stronger I am now.

So we are supposed to be going for a drink some time soon and I get to meet his girlfriend - not too sure how all that will go down - but it's always nice to hang out with good people - and he does have a level head on his shoulder - but I do not forget whose prodigy he was for a while back there.

So how are all the Xmas preparations going? Well I have managed to secure Xmas Day dinner at my colleagues family house - however with the evening commute over the bridge, I kinda wish I was staying home to watch my Xmas soap specials! :) I know, how ungrateful do I sound? My acupuncture sessions are going really well - as are my deep tissue massages - although yesterday we ended up doing EFT - emotional freedom technique - I was such a skeptic going in but it really did work - shifted loads of stuff that came up this week cos of work - boss was in town and I have not seen that much sucking up in a really long time - we will have to get to that next time as it's a story in itself. We got a really nice Xmas bonus though which was completely unexpected :) Excuse to go shopping - thinking of buying a new table and chairs for my place - I still have the IKEA one that I paid $10 for when I moved in here 7 years ago - think it's time for an upgrade! :)

Okay - gotta love and leave you - Sunday night and stuff to do before bedtime. Take care :)

p.s found the italic key and managed to get the paragraphs right - that'll settle my OCD :)

Magic

So where to start? I don't know - to stay here in the present or to go back to my tale again - I am honestly not sure at the moment - so let's just see where the words go. I have had a jam packed few weeks - it really has been an emotional roller coaster - happy - sad - anxious - happy - sad - anxious and I am only just beginning to truly realize how important it is for me to sit in stillness. My acupuncturist told me about 'valerian' - so I have been taking that as a natural remedy to just calm me down a little, especially my over-active mind just before bedtime - however combined with the melatonin, I am finding that I am in a very 'bonced out' state sometimes and it is hard for me to find words and communicate at work - it's so wierd when you are in actual fact a separate head space from the one that 'work' needs you to be in. It would be a lot easier to be in a retreat right now or laying on a beach where your mind can pretty much wander wherever it needs to.

So we have our Christmas party next weekend - it's going to be huge - so may people going and I have to say that I am really excited about it. I love it when people are all dressed up in there finest at these types of events - there will be music, drinks and food galore - and I am a little cautious as I haven't had a sip of alcohol for some weeks now - I didn't see the point in going out while I was focusing on healing by way of massage and the 'pin' sessions. I have to add too that I was a littel skeptical of the value of the 'pin' sessions as I call them until this weeks' which was my third session. The second she had put the 20 or so pins in my body and dimmed the light down in the room, I felt that shift in my body - you may get it too - it's similar to that feeling you have in your body the seconds leading up to 'falling asleep' - that shift - and that was it, I was completely relaxed and just 'let go' :) There is always a little bit of fear in me though, like for one thing, what if for some reason I needed to move, like really move and get up from the massage table - would one of these pins stick too far into me as I am trying to get up off the table? :) Silly really!

I got chit chatting with the lady this time - she said that she met her beau when she went to learn french in Paris - oh how romantic I thought - to go all that way and to fall in love - and now of course he is here with her in Vancouver - trying to find work but a steadfast lawyer at home in Paris - wouldn't it be nice to have someone go to those lengths for you? Just to be with you? :)

I am also reading a book by Robin Sharma at the moment - funny how it just kinda 'popped out' at me from my book shelf - all about following your destiny and finding the things in life that really resonate and are important - it's certainly acting as confirmation for the changes that are taking place in my life right now. I feel that I am really starting to ground myself in the 'here and now' and follow my instinct and realizing that there really is nothing to fear - we create all the little monsters ourselves really :) And it's just as easy to turn those thoughts on themselves and create positive ones instead. Feeling safe has always been a big thing for me - and also to be less adversely affected by what is going on around me - and I am beginning to get a handle on it and to truly belive in my own power.

I was listening to Abraham Hicks some mornings ago - sometimes I just switch it up and look for a new link - and I tend to find a playlist on youtube so that it can just run in the background as I am getting ready for work - I always pick up the pieces that are apt at that time. That morning Esther was talking about the 'wouldn't it be nice' idea. So all you do, if you are in a bit of a slump or not feeling your best, imagine 'wouldn't it be nice if.................' - and of course you end that sentence however you see fit. So I went with simple things that I could see the manifestation of quite quickly - 'wouldn't it be nice if it didn't rain on the way to work', 'wouldn't it be nice if the sun came out', 'wouldn't it be nice if I saw the cute guy at work', 'wouldn't it be nice if I had a huge surprise today'.

So I kid you now it went from pi$$ pouring rain to radiant sunshine on my way to work - and a few hours into the day, the cute guy walked by and said 'hello', and by the time I came home after my acupuncture session I was happily relaxed, just having eaten and sitting here wathcing one of my soaps. And then there it was - a 'tap tap tap' on my door - and I rarely get a knock at the door as I live in an apartment block for a start - and I asked who it was - and it was my landlady. And straight away I was like 'oh no what's happened, is it my car again? what's up?' - and I opened the door and there she stood with a pair of lovely clean cream bedroom drapes - she handed them to me saying that they were 'free of charge' - saving me $60 and that I should just pop the dirty ones in a plastic bag and give them back to her. I was so so so happy - I was beaming from ear to ear with a huge smile on my face and my eyes welled up - I was so grateful for this lovely kind gesture. Just a few days before, I had asked her how much it would cost me to dry clean the drapes as the ones in my bedroom were looking really grey and filthy - and I had only just begun to notice after getting my new bed - I figured it could not be good bedroom feng shui :) And here she was with the clean drapes - it made my day no end and I quickly got the old ones down and put the new ones up - it looks beautiful in my room now - it really is the little things - so go on try it - try the 'wouldn't it be nice if' game - and I call it a game as it's nice to be playful with it and have some fun. Just thinking about nice things shifts your mind set - and by shifting your mindset - you shift your vibration - and that's when magic happens!!!! :)

I shared this tale with the lady that lives just down the road from me - I will have to follow up with her and see if she tried it. So apart from that there is really not much else to share with you at this time - work is going well - I am beginning to feel appreciated and have been asked to set some goals and objectives for the next few months - first time I have ever really felt like I am setting some roots down in the workplace and making a difference. There is the usual day to day drama of course - oh and the other day one of the girls saw Liam Gallagher from Oasis from the window - we face a really fancy hotel - and there are often 'famous' people there - to be fair, I had more fun watching the little kiddie winkies in there little 'line up' with their blue rain ponchos on holding hands - they were all going in there to see the Christmas Trees - all lit up and fancy - so cute :) I remember how excited I used to get on school trips - packing my little 'kia-ora' and Ribena drinks - with an extra packet of sweets and a Club biscuit or two :) Awwwww thank God for those memories.

Went for a walk earlier - the sun has been out in full swing today - and I was listening to my tunes on my icube - I love that one 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol - and just as I turned the corner and looked up, there it was this huge expanse of sea, the mountains and the lovely white boats bobbing in the water and I got goose bumps - Life is Good - my friend used to say that to me - now I know what he meant - and as I was walking, I passed an old friend who met her beau in Africa - this Adonis of a guy who she used to chat with ever single day upon her return on Skype - and there they were a family now - her pushing the pram and him twisting the 2 year old in the air - she pops up in my life from time to time to remind me that miracles do happen - it's been a really lovely day.

Anyways, I must come to a close as it's 6pm on Sunday night and I'm hungry and have 4 episodes of Corr'rs to watch before I get tucked up in bed and listen to my regular Sunday night meditation :) Have a super week y'all and I will do my absolute best from here on in to write more often.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w


 

Waking from a sleep

It's amazing when you finally wake from a 'sleep' - asleep to life I mean - there's been a few BIG moments in the last few days for me. I sat at my desk about a week ago - with little to do - no fault of my own but just waiting for the $hit storm to arrive - it seems that we are always waiting for the 'sign off' from the 'powers that be' before we can make our own moves forwards. Not sure if the shift too has happened after 11-11-11 - there has to be some mention of that in here no matter how small. So anyways, back to sitting at my desk, I could just feel the anxiety kicking in - and I was starting to get really light headed - panic - my usual anxiety at work and wondering how long this gig is going to last - the day to day humdrum although I have to say that I do enjoy my colleagues - they're a nice bunch - but I feel that I should be doing more - I am not stretched and before the Universe delivers on this thought, let me also be clear that I am content to chug along until something better turns up - absolutely no more turmoil like the beginning of this year - and my desire to further myself will be on a part-time basis :)

So yes, I toddled off into the washroom and could literally feel the heat rising in my body - the panic was hitting me again - and I went back to my desk and had some 'rescue remedy' and then just knew that I had to get downstairs and get some fresh air - I had been absorbing so much of other peoples' crap that I just couldn't breathe - I found one of the comfy armchairs and it felt like the light fittings were just closing in on me - and I just couldn't 'see' clearly - it was like the lights were closer than they actually were and I knew that I was on the brink of an anxiety attack. I took the air into my lungs slowly and purposefully and put my little headphones in my ears and listened to my meditation music - closed my eyes - and after a few minutes caught hold of myself. And prayed - HARD! I was at a loss as to what had got me here - I know that things are on the cusp of a huge change for me - I don't know what that is yet - but I just know - the last time I had this feeling was when I was coming to Canada. That and the fact that I had been travelling at warp speed through the last two weeks - getting so much done. Then it hit me, just last weekend I found out that a very dear friend of mine is very sick - very very sick - and it toppled my world hearing that news in some way.

You can't help but look and reflect when something like that happens - at least for me - and I began to think of the other people that are in my life - separated by one or two degrees who are also going through a tough time right now - and I think it all just overwhelmed me - and I just felt all that panic. I had realized too that I had been pretty low in energy myself for as long as I could recall - almost since I got back from Australia - and after a few torrid events here in Vancouver and I just think that the stress of all that had just culminated over time. Funny that I looked into the 'health benefits' at work and found out that acupuncture sessions are covered - so right away I booked a session for the following evening.

I walked in there with my mile thick protection - dubious and dis-believing - what could this teeny tiny woman possibly do to 'fix' me - she was indeed beautiful - but very very softly spoken. She called me into one of the rooms and I sat on the bed while she was sitting on the stool - swinging my legs back and forth for a little while, she began to ask me what was I was concerned about - she already knew that I had a cold - virus thing - sinus thing too - and then she checked my pulse. She asked me what my energy levels were like - and I told her that for as long as I could recall it had been a real struggle to get up in the mornings - I was running on low - at a 3 out of 10 - with 10 being the optimum - and I then went onto tell her how sensitive and empathic I am sure, sure that she would think that I was a complete whack job - but to my absolute joy, she understood every single thing I was saying - and was able to piece me together. Assessing my body type, she was able to guide me on the nutrients that my body is lacking  in and then when I told her that I put a wall up to protect myself, she softly said "but then how do let in the magic?" - I swear I had tears in my eyes the size of cup cakes - ready to fall they were and I stopped them. And then she also said that living the way I am right now, I am functioning at bare minimum and if just 'believe' again and 'take chances' who knows what I will be able to achieve as I am capable of such great things. It was like going to see Katut in Eat Pray Love - my best friend will know what I mean as she reads this.

So today I was going to go see my friend in hospital - I woke up thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go - and it's not that I didn't want to see him but the commute and the thought in my head that there would be other things that I would not be able to get done. But when I got his text that he was good to see me, I could not have been more excited.






Walking up to his room, my tummy was doing a tumble and my heart was beating so fast - I was so scared of what I might see - how I would react and praying that I wouldn't cry - and as I turned the corner to his room and saw his small frail body getting up to straighten himself on the bed, I realized how blessed I was to have him as my friend - to have shared life with him - and I can't lie, the horror of seeing him this frail did hit me and as I sat down it all just went away - and there we were two friends sharing two hours - and chatting about this and that - and me being the usual 'Question Master' - there's always so much I want to know - and then there was a moment that we shared that I will never ever forget - along with a book he had wanted, I found a stone on my book shelf with 'Friends' written on it - and as I gave that to him, I was so choked up and that was it, tears tumbled - and he asked me to hold his hand and his tears from his big blue eyes tumbled too - and that moment was priceless - and like a little girl all I could say was "you are going to be okay aren't you?". We shared tales - and I spoke of work and how it doesn't fulfil my heart's desires and he asked me what would, and I told him that I want to get into counselling, life coaching, really helping people, helping them to transition in life - to take the steps that I have taken and am still taking. He helped me to realize my passions today - and that time I spent with him today was a true blessing - I am so glad I went - and I pray so so hard that he heal and get well again - more than anything. He told me it doesn't matter who has the best lawn or the best house or best whatever - what matters is the people who are in your life - the Loved Ones.

So for you who are my Friends reading this right now - I want you to know that I LOVE YOU dearly - and funnily as I thought that as I parked my bum on my couch when I got back home, my friend who just recently moved to Colombia called me to say the exact same thing - so there you have it 'the power of love' :)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBDF04fQKtQ

And sorry guys, can't get rid of that yellow background - I've tried everything - grrrrrr!!!!!!

Home

Almost a year ago to this day, he phoned me - the barman - out of the blue. Funny thing was that I had been thinking about him just that weekend - I was sat here watching some show about women who go to this boot camp thing to help them to get over unhealthy patterns in their lives etc. This one made me fume because each woman was wearing a t-shirt with the word 'branded' on them - the word that their so called 'loved one' had called from - so something like 'chunky' or a 'bitch' or 'useless' - so harsh and hateful words - and as I say, he just popped in my mind and I could just feel the anger in me gushing out to the point that I wanted to punch him. So when I heard his voice on the phone a few days later I was absolutely gob smacked.

He had had a drink or two just to pluck up the Dutch Courage - or at least that's what he told me. Of course I just went in for the jugular - and just told him straight that he had been a complete a-hole to me all those years ago - and in usual dense dip $hit style, he started to laugh at me - that's what he always used to do to throw me off - but you know when you're in a better place in yourself and feeling more grounded and safer, you just see things more clearly - and that's exactly what happened.

So here he was trying to play some kind of jedi trick on me - something that would have worked hands down ten years ago - no fail! But he wasn't sure how to handle me this time. So he went in telling me that he was coming here to Vancouver in the Spring and would I like to see him. And then he asked me some personal questions to find out if I was dating someone. And then he hit me with it - "Remember when we were watching that episode of Friends? The one where they all agree to marry each other if they are still single at the age of 40? Remember how we had both promised to marry each other if we were single by the time we reached 40? It would be such a tragic shame if you never got married and had children - you were born to be a mother".

It was classic - a classic jedi mind 'assault' - lets just try and take her down - get her where it hurts - and of course when I 'held myself' and stood grounded and firm in my space, and said that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with him, he changed his tactic. I could not believe what I was hearing - I think there were a few times when I actually threw up in my mouth thinking about what he was proposing - because as sure as the sun rises in the sky, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than entertain the thought of having a relationship with that 'emotional freak'. So I was steadfast and stubborn in my response - making it clear that this was never gonna happen.

Then the trigger to his call came out - his mom had antagonized him on the phone a few days earlier - apparently she had ruffled a few feathers with one of his brothers - and was then accused of interfering. Which then led to her asking the barman whether she had ever intefered in his life - to which he replied without a blink "Yes, you came between me and the only woman I have ever loved" - meaning me of course. When he shared this with me, I have to tell you that my heart melted just a tad. I felt this overwhelming compassion for him and realized that he was in pain.

This was this poor wretched guy's last ditch attempt to win me back - and he had had to have a drink to muster up the courage to call me. I knew then how much it must have taken for him to make that call. And then as soon as I opened my heart to him, and saw him as a human in pain, he gave me the one thing I had been looking for for all those years after we parted ways. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that there had never been anyone in his life like me and that he deeply regretted the way he treated me - he was sorry for all the dreadful things he did and said. Poor guy. And I couldn't help it - I just cried - they were deep rooted tears - I cry like that only sometimes - it feels like a dam opens up and it's not even the amount but the concentration of the tears. They feel heavy as they fall. And I could feel my heart healing. I felt so sorry for those two kids who had met 20 years earlier - naiive and young - with their whole lives ahead of them. I felt his pain - and I realized that I didn't want to hurt him anymore - there were no more thoughts of vengeance or hurting him the way he had hurt me - we had just done the best that we could with the tools that we had at that time.

I don't know why this has been coming up for me the past few days - I think it's after I went to meet with a friend at a local convention just this past weekend - 3 times I went to her stall at the exhibition and 3 times she was too busy - and I was so hurt by this because I had made such an effort and was so excited to see her. I just wanted a big fat hug and to have some 'safe' time to talk and share with someone who knows where I am coming from. And as I walked away, I kept thinking that I would have created that time and space for someone - for a friend in that same situation - so why didn't she? - why was she so blocked to sharing that time and space with me? - and from sharing that love? - and then I remembered that what is happening on the outside is a reflection of what is happening on the inside - I was doing the exact same thing - I have after all the pain and hurt in my life built a fortress around myself that has been almost a mile thick if that is possible. I have not let anyone close since the barman - on some level even with all the low life things the Slovenian did, he still didn't stick a chance and I am reminded of that too when I want to be melancholy and wallow.

So it's time to be open to love again - time to be open to life - I was chatting to my colleague at work about it today - I have gone from one extreme to the other - from doing crazy things in my life and making ludricrous choices to putting myself behind bars - where nothing and no one can get in - all because it feels safe - really???? Sometimes when I pick a Goddess card and the Goddess Aine tells me to 'take a risk and follow my heart', that's when I feel this pang in my heart that makes me want to pack my suitcase and get a return ticket to Australia - and I bottle it every time - and I think that the reason I do that is because I still love him, that Slovenian - and I grant myself with the fact that we may or may not be 'meant' to be together - but imagine if I leave this life with him not knowing how I have felt all these years - that would be the most tragic thing of all. 8 years ago I didn't bat an eyelid when making that decision to chase his a$$ here to Vancouver and now I can't even muster up the courage to pick up the phone.

And some of this is not to be taken so literally - again it is just the story of what is happening on the inside - and as Aine says, I need to take that risk again - cos right now I am not living - I am passing time - if I was living I would be living my truth and on that beach in Bondii chasing waves and basking in the sun - if I was living I wouldn't have walked out of work with tears in my eyes today as I looked up at the dark 5pm sky and dreaded the thought of yet another Xmas alone - another Xmas without a loved one. Something has got to change!!!!! I need to figure out what that thing is going to be.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning with this song in my head - I didn't even know who sang it and hadn't even heard the whole song before until I found it on youtube that morning - I think it's divine :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjky7v7JIow

The 90's

It was 1990 - and at 19 she had no experience whatsoever of dating - I think in her mind it was just a simple case of seeing what was out there - no boundaries to write home about and no real inkling of what she was looking for. It was as though this guy had chosen her more than the other way around - he also said the same thing some years later, realizing that for her the 'man in her life' could have been just about anyone.

Just days after starting university, wreckless and with no real idea of what she was even doing away from home, she started to frequent the student's union. In those days she could get entry into the club, have drinks, and get a cab ride home - all for 5 British Pounds - talk about a cheap date! There was one guy there in her first week that had played a prank on her - pretended that he was one of the tutors at the uni and used that as a pick-up line - she was a green as they come and fell for it hook, line and sinker. She was living in a house with 3 other girls on the top of a really steep hill. There was a roundabout at the bottom of the hill, and the student's union just off to the right of that. At the other end, you would be veering up towards the airport. Not the prettiest place in the world and the house that she lived in wasn't all that either, and worse still the landlady lived just a few doors down.

She met the guy 3 weeks in - nothing special really - she had noticed him behind the bar - the barman - she had remembered his eyes - even now she can recall that there was a darkness to them - pupils dilated to the max, strawberry blond hair and a thick Irish accent. I think in hindsight there must have been some past life issues here that needed to be cleaned up for them both. Anyways that Monday evening was the Student's Night at one of the local nightclubs - so she had gone there with a group of girls - one girl in particular that she had met who was from Liverpool and another from Middlesbrough - even meeting all these new people with their thick Northern accents was new to her - the only thing that she'd ever experienced close to that was watching Emmerdale - not that she was ever into that show :) So yes, back to the Monday night at the club - she was dancing to 'Groove Is In The Heart' - bopping away she noticed that the guy from behind the student's union bar was there watching her - sipping his beer and watching her dancing - when she stepped away from the dance floor, he came over and started to chat to her - asking her if she was single or not - and she said that she was single - and that was that - there were of course no cell phones back in those days - but they had decided that she would meet him the next day after his shift behind the bar.

It was all so new to her - so exciting to be away from all those restrictions at home with her parents - to be free to do what she wanted to do. So day by day, and little by little, she began to see him more and more - never really sure about him - it never occurred to her to perhaps bide her time and see what else was out there - or in actual fact to concentrate on school instead. She would go home every weekend to be with her family - and slowly as the relationship deepened, he wanted her to stay there with him at the weekends too - so she gave that weekly visit home up too - just so that he knew she didn't have someone else at home. Silly really. Silly how much she gave up just to make things right for him - never having a thought for herself and what was right for her - but then she had never been encouraged to have a thought for her own desires, needs and wants - she had always taken care of everyone else so it was second nature for her. She didn't think twice.

Her relationship with her Dad and Brother began to change too - her Dad stopped talking to her as much - and the distance between them just started to grow - and her Brother started to block her out - out of his life and out of his heart - perhaps if this combination of events had not happened - and perhaps if she was actually able to tell her family about this guy, they would have advised her from the get go that he was not the right type of guy for her. You see it was already quite clear that he liked to drink and with the drink came gambling - he would be gone all day sometimes - in the bar - in a lot of bars about town - and then he would roll home in the late hours not knowing where he had been or what he had done - she put up with it. Clearly a red flag, but she knew nothing more than just to put up with it. And this went on day after day, week after week, month after month - until she was so deeply engrossed in the grips of this nightmare - stuck in a web - and not seeing a way out - not realizing her own self-worth, she shunned other advances from more suitable young men and stuck by this drunk.

On top of that - they had both begun to think that this was love - oh how naiive!! Love! It seems so ridiculous now - but they had both begun to tell themselves a story - this is what love looked like. In time she got the 'If you can't beat them, join them attitude' - that first summer apart from him was hell for her - 4 months apart and she counted every day down as if her life depended on him and what they had together. She wrote him letters and thought about him every waking second of every single day - she never heard from him once in all that time - not a phone call - not a letter - anyone else would have put a lid on the whole thing by now - and especially by the end of that summer - but no, she just carried on believing that he was the one she was meant to be with. She couldn't wait to get back to University - and even went back a few weeks earlier so that she could help out with him in the Student's Accommodation department - they got paid of course and it meant that she was able to be with him again. Something inside of her had broken though, the fact that he had made no attempt to contact her for all that time had devastated her - she thought she had meant more to him than that. But then when she found out that he was now smoking pot, it all started to make sense - it had become his life, listening to music from the 60's and 70's - sitting in his friend's room while he played the guitar and ate cold baked beans from the tin, it became clear to her why she had fallen of his radar.

Things were never really right with them both after that - as I said, she joined them too - there was nothing else to do - or at least it seemed that way to her - the whole of her world was now consumed in this crazy lifestyle - awake until the small hours of the morning - hunting for food in the cupboards - living in a house that she would not have been caught dead in when she was safe at home with her family, she completely lost herself - and I mean completely. Having never dealt with events from her childhood, and what was now happening at home with her family, the guilt she felt for leaving them, she began to get into a tripped out state so that it blocked out all her feeling and emotions and kept her in a cloud - in a fuzz.  And of course the early 90's brought about a whole new era in recreational drug use with house music and raves - it was everywhere you turned - it was now the norm - it was a new culture - with the music, came the drugs and with the drugs came the clothing, and with the clothing came the clubs and the rides down to London at weekends - and if not London then it was right there at the bottom of that hill. Raves in the middle of fields in the middle of the night - hundreds and hundreds of cars driven by kids who would find out where the rave was going to be at, and drive out in the middle of muddy fields to barns in order to dance the night away. The mid-90's just came and went in a spin.

It hadn't escaped her notice that her relationship was no longer working, or functional, or happy. The two of them had simply started to co-exist as they did not know any better - and she wasn't even sure whether she liked him anymore - in fact she knew she didn't. They would argue endlessly - but she was now living in his house - under his roof - there had now been years of this torment - and year by year it had ground her down to the point that she was just a shell - beautiful on the outside - but numb on the inside. Every day he would tell her how boring she was - how worthless she was - it had been years since he had taken her out for a drink or for dinner - she had begun to believe him too - I think anyone would if you hear the same thing over and over. And her life had become one of going to work, coming home and self-medicating with the smoke - she was in the darkest place in her life so far - and she was now only going home once a month. Her Brother had his own life now and didn't let her in at all - her Dad said nothing, they shared no more than twenty words when she was at home - he had shut her out - and all she did while she was home was count the hours until she could leave again - and leaving mean driving the 90 miles down the road to the other hell that she had created for herself. It wasn't long before she wanted to be gone forever - gone from the world - there were days when she would be in the car driving home from work where she would scream to God that she wanted it all to be over - and the truth is is that she meant it every time she said it. She didn't want to live anymore - consumed now in guilt and in so much pain that she could hardly bare it, she wished her life would end.


Some 9 years after they met - and after a drunken night and smashed windows - she sat in the spare room of the house that they shared rocking back and forth on the bed. With her head in her hands she realized that she had been on the verge of doing something that would have been tragic. Her cell phone rang and her friend asked her what was up - he could hear that something awful had just happened and intuitively knew that all was not well. She knew when she clicked the phone off to that call that her relationship with this barman was over - truly over - she would never look at him the same way again - talk to him the same way again - it was done - she had almost crossed a line - she was driven to almost cross that line - she began to understand what mental abuse led people to do, and she knew that it was over. He left a few weeks later - back to his home in Ireland - she stayed living in the house for a little while longer. Before she left her University town for good, he did come back once more - not able at that time to tell her that he was sorry for what he had done; it was clear to him now too that she was never coming back to him ever. She moved back to her family - and it wasn't long before she left again for a few months - this time to Australia - this time to Byron Bay - this time to meet the Slovenian.

The 80's

Her childhood was awkward with very little respite - she was still carrying a secret with her - something that she had not shared with anyone, not her Parents ot her younger Brother - on a couple of occasions she had 'taken' things that didn't belong to her - on reflection probably a cry for help - but with Mom and Dad busy tending to the business and what needed to be done on a day to day basis - it was up to the two children to take care of each other and there was no time to delve into feelings.

An acquaintance told to her during a healing session some 25 years later, that she had chosen the 'pure' path - an honorable path - a choice that others make under the same circumstances that takes them on a very different route. Childhood was not easy, going to school a few miles away from their family home and with the shop being closer to the school than it was the home, it meant that brother and sister spent many an hour tucked away in the little pantry watching the little black and white TV when they got home from school - jumping for joy when the clock turned to 6 o'clock and they could finally go home. She was a very bright and clever girl, doing well in maths and english, and someone who loved gym classes - she was a shy girl though - blessed with the love of her family but still shy.

Respite finally came when she was 10 - during a project at school when she met a girl in class when working on a painting upstairs in the corridor at school. She loved spending time with her - and I think that for the first time, she felt safe - she knew from that very young age that she could trust this girl - and they became very dear friends - and are still best friends to this day. They would link arms walking to school in the morning - and then do the same walking home at night - and then they would hang out in the evening too after school which meant the absolute world to her. Standing outside the shop, the girls would share stories - and sometimes even get some homework done! :)

So the end of comprehensive school came in no time - crushes on John Taylor and Nick Taylor from Duran Duran - listening to Spandau Ballet, A-Ha and Culture Club - she and her friends were starting to define themselves with what music they listened to and what clothes they wore. Ra-ra skirts came and went, and she had at least 4 of them in various colours - shoulder pads and y-jumpers - jumpers with the big 'V' down the back rather than the front - and running from one class to the next at school, triggered by the bell - a crush on a boy that practically evey girl in that year fancied who she now hears has none of his former glory :) Followed by 6th form and the change in music and culture - dance music was just starting to be the next 'big thing' - and she finally started to turn the heads of boys at school. Not completely sure why this was happening, perhaps she was just happy for the most part and funny sometimes too :) But something definitely shifted - and it was around this time where she had her first 'real crush' with a boy from biology class. They would exchange notes, which before long became notes in code - ones that she would rush home to decipher - he was her first kiss - although her shyness rang through as the first one was smacked on his cheek - failing to get anywhere near his lips - she hadn't a clue what she was doing - and the pressure was well and truly on. So this crush thing carried on - he was still very much into her - and it wasn't long before she began to realize that for her at least, this love thing really did suck - he started to date another girl - a girl who was allowed out in the evenings and could go to the local pub for a drink - she was not of course - coming from a very strict home, on top of which drinking was definitely out of the question.

But still he sent her a note one school afternoon - the one that said that 'I think I love you' - and she was so so happy - for now as much as a 17 year old can, she loved him too. He had asked her to stand in the window of the shop the next morning when he drove passed - if she was there then it meant that she too felt the same way. Of course she was there in that window that Saturday morning as he drove by - driving to his Saurday job. She had butterflies in her stomach - loved up and beaming - she had found her 'happy' and she was loved!!!!!

So not many months passed before it all turned to $hit - he went off to university at the age of 18 leaving her at home - he sent her a letter one day saying that he had moved on - and that it would be wise for her to do the same thing - reading that as she shut the door to her bedroom, she sat on her bed and told herself over and over again that this love thing was not for her - that happiness was something fleeting and that it would be snatched away from her in the end anyway - so why bother - and it was in that moment - that precise moment that she started to build the walls brick by brick around her heart - vowing that no one would ever make her hurt like that again.

A year later she went to university herself - just 3 weeks in, she met a boy, quite possibly the first that showed her any attention and started to date him - damaged, insecure and with very little self-worth, carrying the guilt from her childhood - with little or no boundaries she fell blindly into an abyss with this boy - a relationship that would take her years to break free from.  

The Brilliant Man

She met him for the first time at the age of 7 - the first of her Mom's family - Mom's brother in fact. He had come round in the evening in a black cab - not many people travelled in cabs in them days. Through those 7 year old eyes, she was dazzled by his brilliance - as he sat there in the arm chair and to his left the TV was on - 'Miss World' was on. He was no doubt someone very special for her parents were the happiest that she had known them for a long time - Dad's tone was upbeat and happy - and there was a buzz in the air. He was staying for the night - the ship that he was working on was docked in Portsmouth for a couple of days.

She went to her Mom and Dad's shop the next day after school - and he was still there, this 'Brilliant Man' - he looked all shiny and new - he had a glow and in some funny crazy kind of say, she almost kinda fell in love with him - as a child does sometimes - he was that tall dark and handsome that she had seen in the ladybird books at school - Sleeping Beauty - the picture that she had traced as a child - Sleeping Beauty with her golden dress - to this day she can smell those books in the library - her own personal and private sanctuary - a space of peace amidst all of the turmoil in her short life so far. She hadn't told anyone what was happening - no one.

So there he was - and he picked her up and lifted her higher than she had ever been in her life before - to the top of the stand where the chocolates were - and there she took a brightly wrapped Quality Street chocolate from the metal box. She was the happiest she had been in a long time.

Just one year later - she went to India - Delhi - and in that searing heat she got off the plane with her Mom and Brother and was thrown in amongst the madness and chaos of the crowd - she had never seen anything like it before - people scantily clad - men only of course - wiping their brows with white cloths - women strewn about the floor - those that couldn't get a seat and kids crying - also overwhelmed with the heat and needing sleep - this was India - this was nothing like she had expected and of course nothing like her home. It was going to be such an adventure. And then the men carrying suitcases on the tops of their heads - cases that were almost twice the size that they were - she stood there and thought that she was going to hate every minute from here on in.

Then her Mom told her that her family was there - and the little girl looked up - and through the glass, she could see her family waving to her - people that she had never seen before - a Grandfather who she had never seen was beaming down at them all and waving - she was now thrilled in a way that was so new to her. And then there in with that group of strangers, she saw him, the 'Brilliant Man' :) By the time they got to their family, they were weary and in need of drinks and food - in had been a long haul - and there was hours of waiting ahead of them before the bus was leaving in the morning. So now it was their turn to lay on the plastic chairs in the waiting room - the hot sticky and crowded waiting room - looking at the sad looking clock on the wall - knowing that there were hours before anything exciting was going to happen. And then her uncle, the 'Brilliant Man' came over to her and said that he was going to take her for a walk. A walk she thought - starting to get fraught and feeling the pangs of anxiety well up in her stomach. The mixture of excitement and turmoil brewing in her tummy - and they walked the length of the waiting room - got some tea and then stood and looked at a miniature Indian Doll in a window with it's red frock on.

They both ventured outside and took in the night air - it was quiet for a moment - stillness - and moreso in her mind as they walked step after step as he held her hand as they walked - she could feel that daunting feeling of unsafety as they approached some swings. They sat and spoke - words that she cannot recall and all the time she kept thinking "I wonder what will happen" - she didn't feel all over safe - however after sharing the conversation of a child to a young adult, they went back, merrily back to the rest of the family - there had been nothing to fear - she was safe!

That trip to India that summer was the happiest time for both of those children - they had never been more loved - the only thing that had been missing the whole time was their Dad - a huge gaping hole for them as they loved him so very much - and back then there were hardly any phones, no internet and no cell phones for sure. Her uncle used to take her all about town on his scooter - and she would stand on it, tucked in behind the handle bars - safe and sound - while her brother was with the other one of the three brothers - they had both picked their favourite uncles you see :) Quite lovely! They would drive here and there and go and get kulfi before bed time - and another savoury Indian dish - and everyone about town and I mean EVERYONE knew her uncle - the 'Brilliant Man' - he was over 6 foot tall and would have to tip his head to one side to get in the door of the house - again something new to her :) He treated her like gold - carried her in his arms to the doctor when she was sick and did just about all he could to make her happy - took her shopping and even let her put make up on him - and I mean full from lipstick to eye shadow - as kids do!!! :)

Just a few years later, she went back again with her Mom and Brother - when they were leaving after the month long trip, she stood on the flat bricked roof of their family home waiting for him to come and see her before they left for the airport - she was waiting for him to come and say goodbye - and over that Indian sky and listening to the prayers from the mosque just across the street - and looking through the mosaic of bricks in the wall, she knew he wasn't going to come - she knew somehow and somewhere deep in her heart that she was never going to see him again - she was devastated and could not fathom why he had not made the effort to come and see her for she adored her uncle so very much.

Two years later, she came home from school, and turning that corner and walking passed their car like she always did - she would always look up to the window and see her Mom serving the kids - sweets and crisps and chocolates - only this time Mom was not at the window - Dad was there in his overall - something she was not used to and when he looked at her, she had knots in her stomach, she knew that something was wrong. Walking in - she looked at their faces again - intuition kicking in. She took the small steps to the back of the shop and up and through to the kitchen - there was Mom standing - all upset and looking like she had been crying - and then Dad followed.

The little girls' 'Brilliant Man' was no more - he had gone - dead - he had been taken away. And as that girl stood there and listened to this, her insides crushed and her heart broke into tiny pieces - the only thing that she loved more than her own little family was him - and now he was gone - the one thing that she had chosen as hers' was gone - and that day and at that time her faith in God and her belief in all those fairy tales she had read as a little girl were shattered. Many many many years later - with that same broken and shattered heart, she met the second man that ever took her hand - and that little girl that was now inside of that beautiful woman looked up and saw the most beautiful smile she had ever seen in her life - and with the blue sky above her, and her knees weak like jelly, her heart full and singing, the happiest moment yet in her whole life, and with Sydney Harbour Bridge in the back drop - the feeling of dread grew inside her - 'would this too be taken away?'.

Sometimes the devastating thing is not just in the loss - but in the missed communication - and the people that have come and gone who never knew how deeply and profoundly they touched your heart.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was supposed to have written this some hours ago but got caught up watching 'Crazy Stupid Love' - what an hysterically funny film and Ryan Gosling wins my 'Phwwwooooaaaarrrr Award' this weekend :)

I spent Saturday buying myself a new flat screen TV - I figured it was time to be a 'grown up' and get in with the times - it is rather nice - I've caught myself admiring it a few times and so then I had to run out and get the right cords so that I can hook my laptop up to it and watch Corr'rs and Eastenders on the big screen - it was like being back at home again this afternoon at my Mom and Dad's - sitting on the couch. However here I was leaning on a hot water bottle with my right shoulder - I have pulled a muscle some how and it really has been quite painful. Oh and then I dropped the corner of the 26 inch box TV on my foot yesterday as I was dragging it to my car for recycling - honest to goodness there are times when I really wish there was a man about the house. I had a big green bruise on my foot and all the veins were popping out which only went to emphasize the swelling - luckily it has been fine today. Shared that story with my Mom earlier and she was dumbfounded that there was no one here to help me with it - oh well - when needs must you just have to get on with it whatever way you can.

I have had a lot of emotional shifts since my massage last week - of course having healing energy work on your body by a shaman is never an easy feat - truly brings up all kinds of stuff . I learnt why that happens when a friend of mine told me that muscles store memories - hence the fact that emotions stir. Matthew said something last week that helped me remember that ironically we forget to be 'in our power' sometimes. I came to that realization just this morning - I was beginning to get increasingly frustrated listening to tales of woe and 'worry' and 'this is wrong' and 'that is wrong' - frustrated truthfully at myself more than at any other person because people are afterall acting as a mirror - so it just meant that that was what was going on inside me - when I get that piece it's hard for me sometimes to get to a space where I can just forgive myself and everyone that has managed to rattle me and move on - 'thoughts create things' - I know this first hand.

My very first experience of this fact was when I was at school - less than 13 or 14 years old - we have a store at home called Argos - and they were probably the only place when we were kids that had a catalogue that you could take home. As a young girl, I would love looking at the jewelry and the other trinkets and beauty items - there was a pair of clear crystal drop ear-rings in there that I used to look at a lot because I really liked them and hence really wanted them. Christmas time I got those exact ear-rings given to me by a friend - those exact ear-rings! And then the same thing happened with a silver box. Law of Attraction!!!! Isn't that why so many people now have vision boards where they have pictures of all the things that they want and then look at it to attract those things into their lives? I am going off on a tangent - but to get back to my point - it just shows how powerful we are as humans - and just how powerful thought is.

And what do we do? We spend our time worrying about the little things and the big things - cos of things that we have heard, or read, or been told, or taught - or whatever! We have, most of us, lost our own guidance system and been pulled into a space of fear - and the big thing for me here with this is that 'what you think about - you bring about' - so spend enough time on that and you will create it in your reality. I watch my Mom go through it - in cycles - she almost always has something that she is 'carrying' around - which frustrates me because she is one of the strongest women I know - and if she just spent that same time focusing on something postive, the results would be the 'proof in the pudding' - we can all do it - the power of prayer or meditation - whatever your meditation is - it could be a walk around the block - a half hour on the treadmill - writing or reading - whatever stills your mind enough to get you to that quite space - in stillness - where you can hear your own heart beat and realize what an incredible miracle you are - we all are. And yet we give that power up every single day when we worry - it's simple - if you don't feel good thinking whatever it is you are thinking - it is simply not good for you to be thinking that thing!!!!! Ta-da!!!!! Oh and don't get me wrong - I can still be a compulsive worrier - I was doing it for the best part of this work week - I got the permanent job and somebody else didn't - so what do I do? Give my power away to appease that certain someone so that he could feel better! WTF!!!!!! I had to reel myself in and be in my power - this is mine!!! I have created this amazing new job and opportunity for myself and deserve it - and going back to my previous blog - realizing that 'something bad is not going to happen!' - that was the big piece for me - HUGE in fact.

So there it is - my gift this week - 'I am in my POWER' :)

Oh and I did head out again on Friday night to celebrate the news of being taken on permanently at work - we went somewhere we had not been in a very very long time - and hey presto - had a really great time - nice food and nice wine and it was 'happy hour' so dirt cheap too - I even had a couple of tequila shots :) Home by 9pm again so nothing too crazy and my friends carried on into the night. And back to work tomorrow - we had an extra day off today for Thanksgiving - it comes earlier here than it does in the U.S.

So there you have it - a tough week or so - and I have felt deeply troubled and had my emotional ups and downs - but there is always something good to focus on - and my lesson - forgiveness is the key thing to letting things go - for me at least - It was still erking me thinking about that Kelowna trip - but honestly, we all do the best that we can in any given moment - and if we had known better we would have done better.

Oh and before I sign off - I am told that there is going to be an awesome Christmas Party at work - and it's a 'black tie do' which I am thrilled about as there are never enough occasions to get dressed up for in Vancouver - and the talent in the office - and in the building just seems to be getting better and better!!!! So I am now working on attracting a super hot date for Crimbo :) And I got checked out by a couple of hotties at the grocery store - so must be doing something right! :)

Carry Me

Sitting there peacefully, grateful for that Friday feeeling and applying my mascara - I remembered the date.

October 7th - My Uncle's birthday - he died when I was just 13 years old - a moment in my life that defined my relationship with God for many years to come - and led me to believe that happiness was just a fleeting moment - my heart still hurts when I think of him.

And the day I left my Slovenian in Sydney, Australia after flicking him the finger and throwing his lotion from the window.

Some days you just want to curl up in a ball in the farthest nook of the closet and cry - this is my day - and I pray that God carries me today xx

The Shocker Part Two

It wasn't too far into the evening that I was bursting to get the f**k outa there - I had come out in my lovely dress with my high heeled shoes - first night in ages and was getting the run down on someone's pregnancy - how now the baby is doing this and how now the baby is doing that - and don't get me wrong, I will never really understand why women behave that way until I am in those shoes too - but honestly - it would not have taken a rocket scientist to figure out that this was a 'Friday Night Out For The Girls'. After I had asked the typical questions about cost and the logistics and the selection process, I was ready to get on with my evening - so I suggested that we move on knowing full well that 'Mom to be' would not be in tow - thank goodness!!!!

We got a ride into Yaletown which is not too far from the Downtown core and I practically ran from the car to get away from the anxiety pot of madness. One pregnant woman and two women practically on the edge - now in wonderment and disbelief that this is what the World has in fact come to. Paying $900 for something that comes free on most weekends nights after a few drinks at a club!!!!! :) 

My friend and I both stood there in shock - SHOCK!!!!! Both of us looking inwards at our own lives - is that really how we were going to end up? Like that!!!!! Throwing in the towel and giving up the dream, the hope, the idyllic promise of romance and Prince Charming - cos that was what it came down to at the end of the day - she had given up on finding love  - she admitted it - the man - the family and chosen to do it alone - again do not get me wrong here - it is there very much in my plan if by 41 blah blah blah - but if that is the thought process that I begin to undertake right now - then low and behold that WILL be me in a years time with my legs up in stirrups with Sample X being inserted with the turkey baster - oh how clinical that picture already looks in my mind!!!

We both sat in shock drinking our white wine - each with our own view point and thought process - both of us coming to the conclusion that really we need to get out of Vancouver before it is too late - for real!!!!! Hand on heart - even with the back-up plan, for me there is an element of sadness to this whole artificial method - it would mean that in some way and somehow I had failed in a way that so many others seem to succeed - I say 'seem' - not really sure why - why does it look like something good versus something bad???? 


So we both went round and round drinking and thinking - we were out on the patio - watching the nightlife of Vancouver walk by and it is pretty easy to see why we are single you know - the chicks are all dressed up like something out of a Guess ad' and all the guys are just checking out the booties and t*ts of any chick that walks by - and trust me there is a lot of skin on show - and sadly - really sadly and much to my dismay - we ended up in the same bars on the same streets - with the same people - seven years on I am still seeing the same sad faces - drinking the same sad drinks - and I had an epiphany - that I really am happier on a Friday night at home with my feet up watching a good movie or Eastenders - eating some good food and getting an early night and not feeling like $hit the next day. Really!!!!! I wanted to run home as fast as I could - but we ended up venturing to another dump before I said I was truly over it. My friend took a cab and I walked home - the streets are very busy and extremely well lit so that is never a bother - and it wasn't late.

I have come to realize for me that Vancouver has a 'sell by date' - that after a few years if you are not engaged or wed, a drunk, chemically addicted or a workaholic, you move on - it's like I said to my friend that night, the mountains and the ocean are a beautiful sight - but they don't hug you when you need a hug - or cuddle up on the couch with you - or cook you dinner - or run you a candle lit bath or blah blah blah. I think my love affair with this place is almost at an end - and as I said to pregnant lady that night, I have loved it here, this city has nurtured me, mothered me, protected me and healed me - brought me back to life - it's just simply time now to move on to the next phase.

I know that I have said this before - not too many months ago in fact - I did just pull a 'Fairy' Card too and it said 'New Location' - it's been saying that for some time now and last night my 'Goddess' Card was 'Pele' - encouraging me to be honest with myself and realize my dream.

Hmmmm - my dream - now what would my dream be? Well you know if I really have to write this after all the months that we have shared - then I will write down what I say to myself out loud every morning in the shower - it is the only thing that stops me from spiralling out of control in the mornings as I ponder on some other silly little thing that happened at work - or something that someone said or did or didn't do.

It goes something like this:

I have an amazing partner - not only is he the finest man that I have ever met, he takes really good care of himself - and he respects himself - and has self-esteem - and because he feels all those things about himself, he is not afraid to open his heart and love, love me - and of course he is smoking hot!!! :) and the world doesn't have to agree on that score! :)  - we are co-creating a life together that far surpasses anything that we could have done alone. We go on amazing holidays together - we've been to Hawaii and the Maldives and Peru to name a few - and from each of those places, we have bought home a carving or a painting that is on the wall or on a shelf in our beautiful home. This beautiful home has a view of water, nothing too vast - perhaps a lake - and downstairs at the back of the house is a conservatory - and this is where I do my 'healing' work and consult with my clients. We have two beautiful children - the girl has pretty brown curls in her hair and is a little madam - and the boy, well he is the one that grabs my leg and hides behind me when he sees a stranger and both of them jump for joy when their Dad comes home from work. There is a suite to one side of the house - nothing huge but just private enough for my Parents to have a space of their own - they stay with me for months on end - and love that space - their own TV so Dad can watch the footie - Mom cooks in the adjoining kitchen - and my children are guaranteed the love and wisdom of their elders. My Brother and my Best Friend come to stay too from time to time - a home created in bliss and love. We are all in fine health - in a place of abundance, happiness and joy.

So that is the 'dream' I play out in the shower in the morning - I dare to dream - I dare to dream in a way that some have forgotten to do - or are too scared to do.

The Slovenian told me last time I spoke with him to have a 'plan b' - now that I've got me a back-up plan, I can carry on creating that which 'I know like I know like I know' - my 'plan a' :)

Laters Skaters - gotta run and get on my foam roller - my neck hurts and I think almost everyone was coughing and sneezing in that office today - maybe it was cos I sat in a wet skirt for 2 hours in the morning after getting caught in the rain - now don't get me started on the rain!!

Oh and if any of you fancy watching a romance - check out the new 2011 Jane Eyre - it's lovely and the lead guy - well he's as schlllleeeerppppyyyyyyyy as a Solero!!!! Michael Fassbender - I bet he got ripped on loads by the kids at school with a name like that - but he's scrumptious! 

The Shocker Part One

Hey All - I'm still not getting to grips with the season :)

I was talking to myself in the mirror the other day - giving myself some kind of assurance on a consolation prize at the end of all this - it's that downer I get sometimes after I have spent the day in company and walk back through the door to the 'aloneness' that lurks inside - shutting that door and knowing that that is it until I venture out to work again in the morning. It's not as sad as I make it out to be fair - but it is like being in a cave sometimes - hidden from the the World and life.

I had tears in my eyes - and I looked at myself and in an 'out loud' moment promised myself that if I hit 41 and am still single - hopelessly single - I am going to opt for artificial imsemination - YEP - I said it out loud - my mind followed that road a little more as I guesstimated how much that would cost me - I figured it would be an horrendous amount of money - and then I thought about what my Dad would say. What would my Dad say to his little girl who had failed to find her Prince Charming and secure those dreams of  a 'Happy Ever After'? I don't wish to sound morbid and honestly I am not being, but who will I leave all my little tinkets to? Who else will value all my little trinkets and jewels and crystals and photos and journals of my life story if not my own flesh and blood? - and then I get really really scared. Who will I pass my 'life' down to - who will I share the stories with - who will remember me?

I think I have just articulated in words my biggest fear - even more than never finding love - my biggest fear is never having children of my own.

And the clock feels like it is ticking.

On Friday night I went out for a drink with my friend - following what had been a good week at work - although things there too are starting to unravel now - don't get me wrong I am very happy - but slowly as I get to grips with the processes and procedures and the people - I am starting to get bored again - the challenges are getting starting to get fewer and far between.

I have also caved my own head in finding the Slovenian on Facebook - I sat and looked at his face and became rail roaded by a tirade of emotions from full on wanting to smack his face in - to wanting to touch him - to wanting to shake him - and then back to wanting to smack his face in again. I have to say that he has not aged as well as I had anticipated - in fact no, that is a lie - he has aged exactly how I would have expected him to - somewhere beyond that face and the evidence of years, I can see his eyes and the heart strings tug again and I get an 'awwww' moment - and then want to smash his face in again. Am I ever going to be wholly good to myself and let go of this thing - and if I choose to do that - do I even know how to? I have been at this thing for years now and it seems that I am no closer -and how I can ever be open to something new if that is still there rattling around in my heart?  I wish someone could give me the answers.

So yes I went for a drink with my friend and I was excited to get out after a few weekends of sitting at home and staying alcohol free - I sat there and we talked and she shared her tales at work and in her personal life - and I shared mine and as the minutes passed we got closer to opening up and sharing the 'real' wounds and emotion - and then I did it, I shared with her my plan to get artificially inseminated like the 'Back-Up Plan' by the age of 41 in the event that I was still single. 

No word of a lie, we had just finished that line of thought and conversation when another lady that we met back in the Spring walked passed the window - waved and headed in to join us. She sat down and first words out of her mouth were "I am pregnant" and then of course we asked 'how' - she was artificially inseminated at a fertility clinic - at $900 a pop and successful 3rd time round!!!!!!

I just had one of those crazy moments where I just vanished into a vacuum as a hole heap of emotions from surprise, shock, terror and disbelief just swallowed me up hole - I was gob smacked. What had the world come to?????

( I have to get my laundry done now and will get back to this later today ) 

The Fall

I think I know now why they call it the 'Fall' here in North America - it's cos you crash like a star from heaven when the sun stops shining - the cold sets in - you can see the blue tinge to your toes again as they beg you for socks - you need a blankie on your bed again - it's dark at 7pm - the trees look a little sad and droopy - 'Come Dine With Me' is back on TV again with the Canadian re-runs which are $hit compared to the UK version - your pretty little dresses and tops get pushed to the back of the closet and out come the darks again - with the little rain jacket - the big black umbrella - and crap Emmy awards that remind you that the Oscars and Christmas are just around the corner. And on top of that I am bored out of my brain!!!! I have read a little, done some of my body rolling exercises, went for a drive, done all my chores, watched a little of the Emmys - but then realized that 2 more hours of this $hit and I will be catatonic. So here I am writing and venting on my blog.

Oh my goodness, this turn of the season makes me soooooooo sad. Feels like a loss - a deep welling sadness that summer is gone - all those opportunities for I don't know what really - seems like the next few weeks are just a slip sliding slope to dark morning wake ups - followed by dark morning walks to work - with the dark evening walks back home - and all those amazing hopes that we have at the beginning of spring when the trees are full with their little buds are GONE!!!!! I hate it!! It sucks!!! :)

Honestly I have a face that could trip me up right now - we've had two days of rain now and that pitter patter that I hear on my bedroom window is a reminder of what's to come - frizzy hair - gum boots - fighting the wind with your brolley and this lovely berry tan that I have will be covered up until next spring when all of it will just have faded away. I don't get people who say that they love this time of year - I am so not one of those people. People are going into hibernation mode and you don't get asked out for drinks on the patio anymore - some of my friendships have kicked the kerb as I have already shared with you - and then oddly enough men that I haven't heard from since this time last year get in touch again - just looking for that 'cuddle in front of the fire partner'- not gonna be me!!!! Nice thought but if I wasn't desperate enough last year, the onset of my 41st year on this planet has not changed a thing.

Hope I haven't sent any of you into a tail spin and got you feeling depressed too - but some of you must share my feelings too - right? And on top of all that, there's nothing on TV - I absolutely cannot wait to get up and go to work tomorrow just for some human interaction.

Watched 'Due Date' last night which was so so so funny - although there was one bit that was really crude - a real ' euuuuuhhh' moment. Then I saw 'Blue Valentine' which was about a lovely relationship which eventually breaks down right before your eyes - very powerful acting and sad too. It's brutal to watch two people lose all that hope and magic that they once shared - happens every single day - if only we could be reminded of that which brought us together in the first place. And then I watched another crap movie with Jen A - sorry guys I know I have moaned about her before - but it really was a boring film with Adam Sandler - I just sat here wanting it to end so that I could go to bed - and yes, I could have gone before the end - but you know how it is when you just wanna forward a movie to the end to see what happens?!?

And as I shared another sentiment with my colleague earlier this week - no more bronzed bodies on the beach playing volleyball - I think that's the biggest kicker of all! :( That stretch of beach is always a guaranteed 'schlerrrppppp' moment - in fact more than just one. And oysters and a glass of white wine just don't taste the same when the sun don't shine.

So what else is new? Not a lot really to be fair - work is going well - busy and enjoying it. Haven't been out for a couple of weeks - maybe that explains my state of mind right now - I was just thinking how much fun it would be to be in a really nice, lively spot with some good dance music playing, and freinds all gathered having a laugh and dressed to impress - people just don't really do that here and there really aren't many lively spots to go to where you can meet new people. I don't know maybe it really is time for me to stop procrastinating and to move on from here - but hey, Toronto in the winter is no picnic - I've heard horror stories about how you have to have the electric running to your car all night just to make sure that your engine starts in the morning and doesn't completely freeze out on you.

So - even though I have complained for the last 20 minutes or so - I should share with you that I am actually in a really happy place - life is good and I am super content - I think I'm just having a moment - perhaps it's that dread of singledom just before the festive season that is kicking off all these maudlin feelings. I guess some how in some way, I hope every summer not be alone anymore and it's just come and gone again - and here I am - single!!!! Yes that's it - that's the real reason why I am feeling like this. Oh well - back to my Abraham Hicks and 'calling in the one' :)

Okay Y'all I'm gonna take my moany little ass off this couch and do one of my meditations while it's nice and quiet - bye!