Waking from a sleep

It's amazing when you finally wake from a 'sleep' - asleep to life I mean - there's been a few BIG moments in the last few days for me. I sat at my desk about a week ago - with little to do - no fault of my own but just waiting for the $hit storm to arrive - it seems that we are always waiting for the 'sign off' from the 'powers that be' before we can make our own moves forwards. Not sure if the shift too has happened after 11-11-11 - there has to be some mention of that in here no matter how small. So anyways, back to sitting at my desk, I could just feel the anxiety kicking in - and I was starting to get really light headed - panic - my usual anxiety at work and wondering how long this gig is going to last - the day to day humdrum although I have to say that I do enjoy my colleagues - they're a nice bunch - but I feel that I should be doing more - I am not stretched and before the Universe delivers on this thought, let me also be clear that I am content to chug along until something better turns up - absolutely no more turmoil like the beginning of this year - and my desire to further myself will be on a part-time basis :)

So yes, I toddled off into the washroom and could literally feel the heat rising in my body - the panic was hitting me again - and I went back to my desk and had some 'rescue remedy' and then just knew that I had to get downstairs and get some fresh air - I had been absorbing so much of other peoples' crap that I just couldn't breathe - I found one of the comfy armchairs and it felt like the light fittings were just closing in on me - and I just couldn't 'see' clearly - it was like the lights were closer than they actually were and I knew that I was on the brink of an anxiety attack. I took the air into my lungs slowly and purposefully and put my little headphones in my ears and listened to my meditation music - closed my eyes - and after a few minutes caught hold of myself. And prayed - HARD! I was at a loss as to what had got me here - I know that things are on the cusp of a huge change for me - I don't know what that is yet - but I just know - the last time I had this feeling was when I was coming to Canada. That and the fact that I had been travelling at warp speed through the last two weeks - getting so much done. Then it hit me, just last weekend I found out that a very dear friend of mine is very sick - very very sick - and it toppled my world hearing that news in some way.

You can't help but look and reflect when something like that happens - at least for me - and I began to think of the other people that are in my life - separated by one or two degrees who are also going through a tough time right now - and I think it all just overwhelmed me - and I just felt all that panic. I had realized too that I had been pretty low in energy myself for as long as I could recall - almost since I got back from Australia - and after a few torrid events here in Vancouver and I just think that the stress of all that had just culminated over time. Funny that I looked into the 'health benefits' at work and found out that acupuncture sessions are covered - so right away I booked a session for the following evening.

I walked in there with my mile thick protection - dubious and dis-believing - what could this teeny tiny woman possibly do to 'fix' me - she was indeed beautiful - but very very softly spoken. She called me into one of the rooms and I sat on the bed while she was sitting on the stool - swinging my legs back and forth for a little while, she began to ask me what was I was concerned about - she already knew that I had a cold - virus thing - sinus thing too - and then she checked my pulse. She asked me what my energy levels were like - and I told her that for as long as I could recall it had been a real struggle to get up in the mornings - I was running on low - at a 3 out of 10 - with 10 being the optimum - and I then went onto tell her how sensitive and empathic I am sure, sure that she would think that I was a complete whack job - but to my absolute joy, she understood every single thing I was saying - and was able to piece me together. Assessing my body type, she was able to guide me on the nutrients that my body is lacking  in and then when I told her that I put a wall up to protect myself, she softly said "but then how do let in the magic?" - I swear I had tears in my eyes the size of cup cakes - ready to fall they were and I stopped them. And then she also said that living the way I am right now, I am functioning at bare minimum and if just 'believe' again and 'take chances' who knows what I will be able to achieve as I am capable of such great things. It was like going to see Katut in Eat Pray Love - my best friend will know what I mean as she reads this.

So today I was going to go see my friend in hospital - I woke up thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go - and it's not that I didn't want to see him but the commute and the thought in my head that there would be other things that I would not be able to get done. But when I got his text that he was good to see me, I could not have been more excited.






Walking up to his room, my tummy was doing a tumble and my heart was beating so fast - I was so scared of what I might see - how I would react and praying that I wouldn't cry - and as I turned the corner to his room and saw his small frail body getting up to straighten himself on the bed, I realized how blessed I was to have him as my friend - to have shared life with him - and I can't lie, the horror of seeing him this frail did hit me and as I sat down it all just went away - and there we were two friends sharing two hours - and chatting about this and that - and me being the usual 'Question Master' - there's always so much I want to know - and then there was a moment that we shared that I will never ever forget - along with a book he had wanted, I found a stone on my book shelf with 'Friends' written on it - and as I gave that to him, I was so choked up and that was it, tears tumbled - and he asked me to hold his hand and his tears from his big blue eyes tumbled too - and that moment was priceless - and like a little girl all I could say was "you are going to be okay aren't you?". We shared tales - and I spoke of work and how it doesn't fulfil my heart's desires and he asked me what would, and I told him that I want to get into counselling, life coaching, really helping people, helping them to transition in life - to take the steps that I have taken and am still taking. He helped me to realize my passions today - and that time I spent with him today was a true blessing - I am so glad I went - and I pray so so hard that he heal and get well again - more than anything. He told me it doesn't matter who has the best lawn or the best house or best whatever - what matters is the people who are in your life - the Loved Ones.

So for you who are my Friends reading this right now - I want you to know that I LOVE YOU dearly - and funnily as I thought that as I parked my bum on my couch when I got back home, my friend who just recently moved to Colombia called me to say the exact same thing - so there you have it 'the power of love' :)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBDF04fQKtQ

And sorry guys, can't get rid of that yellow background - I've tried everything - grrrrrr!!!!!!

Home

Almost a year ago to this day, he phoned me - the barman - out of the blue. Funny thing was that I had been thinking about him just that weekend - I was sat here watching some show about women who go to this boot camp thing to help them to get over unhealthy patterns in their lives etc. This one made me fume because each woman was wearing a t-shirt with the word 'branded' on them - the word that their so called 'loved one' had called from - so something like 'chunky' or a 'bitch' or 'useless' - so harsh and hateful words - and as I say, he just popped in my mind and I could just feel the anger in me gushing out to the point that I wanted to punch him. So when I heard his voice on the phone a few days later I was absolutely gob smacked.

He had had a drink or two just to pluck up the Dutch Courage - or at least that's what he told me. Of course I just went in for the jugular - and just told him straight that he had been a complete a-hole to me all those years ago - and in usual dense dip $hit style, he started to laugh at me - that's what he always used to do to throw me off - but you know when you're in a better place in yourself and feeling more grounded and safer, you just see things more clearly - and that's exactly what happened.

So here he was trying to play some kind of jedi trick on me - something that would have worked hands down ten years ago - no fail! But he wasn't sure how to handle me this time. So he went in telling me that he was coming here to Vancouver in the Spring and would I like to see him. And then he asked me some personal questions to find out if I was dating someone. And then he hit me with it - "Remember when we were watching that episode of Friends? The one where they all agree to marry each other if they are still single at the age of 40? Remember how we had both promised to marry each other if we were single by the time we reached 40? It would be such a tragic shame if you never got married and had children - you were born to be a mother".

It was classic - a classic jedi mind 'assault' - lets just try and take her down - get her where it hurts - and of course when I 'held myself' and stood grounded and firm in my space, and said that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with him, he changed his tactic. I could not believe what I was hearing - I think there were a few times when I actually threw up in my mouth thinking about what he was proposing - because as sure as the sun rises in the sky, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than entertain the thought of having a relationship with that 'emotional freak'. So I was steadfast and stubborn in my response - making it clear that this was never gonna happen.

Then the trigger to his call came out - his mom had antagonized him on the phone a few days earlier - apparently she had ruffled a few feathers with one of his brothers - and was then accused of interfering. Which then led to her asking the barman whether she had ever intefered in his life - to which he replied without a blink "Yes, you came between me and the only woman I have ever loved" - meaning me of course. When he shared this with me, I have to tell you that my heart melted just a tad. I felt this overwhelming compassion for him and realized that he was in pain.

This was this poor wretched guy's last ditch attempt to win me back - and he had had to have a drink to muster up the courage to call me. I knew then how much it must have taken for him to make that call. And then as soon as I opened my heart to him, and saw him as a human in pain, he gave me the one thing I had been looking for for all those years after we parted ways. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that there had never been anyone in his life like me and that he deeply regretted the way he treated me - he was sorry for all the dreadful things he did and said. Poor guy. And I couldn't help it - I just cried - they were deep rooted tears - I cry like that only sometimes - it feels like a dam opens up and it's not even the amount but the concentration of the tears. They feel heavy as they fall. And I could feel my heart healing. I felt so sorry for those two kids who had met 20 years earlier - naiive and young - with their whole lives ahead of them. I felt his pain - and I realized that I didn't want to hurt him anymore - there were no more thoughts of vengeance or hurting him the way he had hurt me - we had just done the best that we could with the tools that we had at that time.

I don't know why this has been coming up for me the past few days - I think it's after I went to meet with a friend at a local convention just this past weekend - 3 times I went to her stall at the exhibition and 3 times she was too busy - and I was so hurt by this because I had made such an effort and was so excited to see her. I just wanted a big fat hug and to have some 'safe' time to talk and share with someone who knows where I am coming from. And as I walked away, I kept thinking that I would have created that time and space for someone - for a friend in that same situation - so why didn't she? - why was she so blocked to sharing that time and space with me? - and from sharing that love? - and then I remembered that what is happening on the outside is a reflection of what is happening on the inside - I was doing the exact same thing - I have after all the pain and hurt in my life built a fortress around myself that has been almost a mile thick if that is possible. I have not let anyone close since the barman - on some level even with all the low life things the Slovenian did, he still didn't stick a chance and I am reminded of that too when I want to be melancholy and wallow.

So it's time to be open to love again - time to be open to life - I was chatting to my colleague at work about it today - I have gone from one extreme to the other - from doing crazy things in my life and making ludricrous choices to putting myself behind bars - where nothing and no one can get in - all because it feels safe - really???? Sometimes when I pick a Goddess card and the Goddess Aine tells me to 'take a risk and follow my heart', that's when I feel this pang in my heart that makes me want to pack my suitcase and get a return ticket to Australia - and I bottle it every time - and I think that the reason I do that is because I still love him, that Slovenian - and I grant myself with the fact that we may or may not be 'meant' to be together - but imagine if I leave this life with him not knowing how I have felt all these years - that would be the most tragic thing of all. 8 years ago I didn't bat an eyelid when making that decision to chase his a$$ here to Vancouver and now I can't even muster up the courage to pick up the phone.

And some of this is not to be taken so literally - again it is just the story of what is happening on the inside - and as Aine says, I need to take that risk again - cos right now I am not living - I am passing time - if I was living I would be living my truth and on that beach in Bondii chasing waves and basking in the sun - if I was living I wouldn't have walked out of work with tears in my eyes today as I looked up at the dark 5pm sky and dreaded the thought of yet another Xmas alone - another Xmas without a loved one. Something has got to change!!!!! I need to figure out what that thing is going to be.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning with this song in my head - I didn't even know who sang it and hadn't even heard the whole song before until I found it on youtube that morning - I think it's divine :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjky7v7JIow

The 90's

It was 1990 - and at 19 she had no experience whatsoever of dating - I think in her mind it was just a simple case of seeing what was out there - no boundaries to write home about and no real inkling of what she was looking for. It was as though this guy had chosen her more than the other way around - he also said the same thing some years later, realizing that for her the 'man in her life' could have been just about anyone.

Just days after starting university, wreckless and with no real idea of what she was even doing away from home, she started to frequent the student's union. In those days she could get entry into the club, have drinks, and get a cab ride home - all for 5 British Pounds - talk about a cheap date! There was one guy there in her first week that had played a prank on her - pretended that he was one of the tutors at the uni and used that as a pick-up line - she was a green as they come and fell for it hook, line and sinker. She was living in a house with 3 other girls on the top of a really steep hill. There was a roundabout at the bottom of the hill, and the student's union just off to the right of that. At the other end, you would be veering up towards the airport. Not the prettiest place in the world and the house that she lived in wasn't all that either, and worse still the landlady lived just a few doors down.

She met the guy 3 weeks in - nothing special really - she had noticed him behind the bar - the barman - she had remembered his eyes - even now she can recall that there was a darkness to them - pupils dilated to the max, strawberry blond hair and a thick Irish accent. I think in hindsight there must have been some past life issues here that needed to be cleaned up for them both. Anyways that Monday evening was the Student's Night at one of the local nightclubs - so she had gone there with a group of girls - one girl in particular that she had met who was from Liverpool and another from Middlesbrough - even meeting all these new people with their thick Northern accents was new to her - the only thing that she'd ever experienced close to that was watching Emmerdale - not that she was ever into that show :) So yes, back to the Monday night at the club - she was dancing to 'Groove Is In The Heart' - bopping away she noticed that the guy from behind the student's union bar was there watching her - sipping his beer and watching her dancing - when she stepped away from the dance floor, he came over and started to chat to her - asking her if she was single or not - and she said that she was single - and that was that - there were of course no cell phones back in those days - but they had decided that she would meet him the next day after his shift behind the bar.

It was all so new to her - so exciting to be away from all those restrictions at home with her parents - to be free to do what she wanted to do. So day by day, and little by little, she began to see him more and more - never really sure about him - it never occurred to her to perhaps bide her time and see what else was out there - or in actual fact to concentrate on school instead. She would go home every weekend to be with her family - and slowly as the relationship deepened, he wanted her to stay there with him at the weekends too - so she gave that weekly visit home up too - just so that he knew she didn't have someone else at home. Silly really. Silly how much she gave up just to make things right for him - never having a thought for herself and what was right for her - but then she had never been encouraged to have a thought for her own desires, needs and wants - she had always taken care of everyone else so it was second nature for her. She didn't think twice.

Her relationship with her Dad and Brother began to change too - her Dad stopped talking to her as much - and the distance between them just started to grow - and her Brother started to block her out - out of his life and out of his heart - perhaps if this combination of events had not happened - and perhaps if she was actually able to tell her family about this guy, they would have advised her from the get go that he was not the right type of guy for her. You see it was already quite clear that he liked to drink and with the drink came gambling - he would be gone all day sometimes - in the bar - in a lot of bars about town - and then he would roll home in the late hours not knowing where he had been or what he had done - she put up with it. Clearly a red flag, but she knew nothing more than just to put up with it. And this went on day after day, week after week, month after month - until she was so deeply engrossed in the grips of this nightmare - stuck in a web - and not seeing a way out - not realizing her own self-worth, she shunned other advances from more suitable young men and stuck by this drunk.

On top of that - they had both begun to think that this was love - oh how naiive!! Love! It seems so ridiculous now - but they had both begun to tell themselves a story - this is what love looked like. In time she got the 'If you can't beat them, join them attitude' - that first summer apart from him was hell for her - 4 months apart and she counted every day down as if her life depended on him and what they had together. She wrote him letters and thought about him every waking second of every single day - she never heard from him once in all that time - not a phone call - not a letter - anyone else would have put a lid on the whole thing by now - and especially by the end of that summer - but no, she just carried on believing that he was the one she was meant to be with. She couldn't wait to get back to University - and even went back a few weeks earlier so that she could help out with him in the Student's Accommodation department - they got paid of course and it meant that she was able to be with him again. Something inside of her had broken though, the fact that he had made no attempt to contact her for all that time had devastated her - she thought she had meant more to him than that. But then when she found out that he was now smoking pot, it all started to make sense - it had become his life, listening to music from the 60's and 70's - sitting in his friend's room while he played the guitar and ate cold baked beans from the tin, it became clear to her why she had fallen of his radar.

Things were never really right with them both after that - as I said, she joined them too - there was nothing else to do - or at least it seemed that way to her - the whole of her world was now consumed in this crazy lifestyle - awake until the small hours of the morning - hunting for food in the cupboards - living in a house that she would not have been caught dead in when she was safe at home with her family, she completely lost herself - and I mean completely. Having never dealt with events from her childhood, and what was now happening at home with her family, the guilt she felt for leaving them, she began to get into a tripped out state so that it blocked out all her feeling and emotions and kept her in a cloud - in a fuzz.  And of course the early 90's brought about a whole new era in recreational drug use with house music and raves - it was everywhere you turned - it was now the norm - it was a new culture - with the music, came the drugs and with the drugs came the clothing, and with the clothing came the clubs and the rides down to London at weekends - and if not London then it was right there at the bottom of that hill. Raves in the middle of fields in the middle of the night - hundreds and hundreds of cars driven by kids who would find out where the rave was going to be at, and drive out in the middle of muddy fields to barns in order to dance the night away. The mid-90's just came and went in a spin.

It hadn't escaped her notice that her relationship was no longer working, or functional, or happy. The two of them had simply started to co-exist as they did not know any better - and she wasn't even sure whether she liked him anymore - in fact she knew she didn't. They would argue endlessly - but she was now living in his house - under his roof - there had now been years of this torment - and year by year it had ground her down to the point that she was just a shell - beautiful on the outside - but numb on the inside. Every day he would tell her how boring she was - how worthless she was - it had been years since he had taken her out for a drink or for dinner - she had begun to believe him too - I think anyone would if you hear the same thing over and over. And her life had become one of going to work, coming home and self-medicating with the smoke - she was in the darkest place in her life so far - and she was now only going home once a month. Her Brother had his own life now and didn't let her in at all - her Dad said nothing, they shared no more than twenty words when she was at home - he had shut her out - and all she did while she was home was count the hours until she could leave again - and leaving mean driving the 90 miles down the road to the other hell that she had created for herself. It wasn't long before she wanted to be gone forever - gone from the world - there were days when she would be in the car driving home from work where she would scream to God that she wanted it all to be over - and the truth is is that she meant it every time she said it. She didn't want to live anymore - consumed now in guilt and in so much pain that she could hardly bare it, she wished her life would end.


Some 9 years after they met - and after a drunken night and smashed windows - she sat in the spare room of the house that they shared rocking back and forth on the bed. With her head in her hands she realized that she had been on the verge of doing something that would have been tragic. Her cell phone rang and her friend asked her what was up - he could hear that something awful had just happened and intuitively knew that all was not well. She knew when she clicked the phone off to that call that her relationship with this barman was over - truly over - she would never look at him the same way again - talk to him the same way again - it was done - she had almost crossed a line - she was driven to almost cross that line - she began to understand what mental abuse led people to do, and she knew that it was over. He left a few weeks later - back to his home in Ireland - she stayed living in the house for a little while longer. Before she left her University town for good, he did come back once more - not able at that time to tell her that he was sorry for what he had done; it was clear to him now too that she was never coming back to him ever. She moved back to her family - and it wasn't long before she left again for a few months - this time to Australia - this time to Byron Bay - this time to meet the Slovenian.