Sometimes he really does knock on the front door - part two

So where were we? Oh yeah - so we've just got back from the morning out of the office - and I received a text message from him cos I had left my water bottle in his van - have I said this before? I can't remember. So he had sent me a text to say that he had dropped it off upstairs for me - I joked with him saying that it has just been a ploy cos honest to goodness the thought had crossed my mind to do that so that he would be in touch :) I didn't think that I would actually leave it there in my angst as I was falling out if the van :) I text back the next day asking him if it was quiet without my nuisance, and it just went slowly but surely from there. All week saying nice things to each other - fun things - and by the weekend we were still in a good spot. Of course it felt wrong though too knowing that he had this weekend away planned with his girlie - but it's like anything that feels good, you just don't want to give it up!

The weekend was strange though - I felt us dis-connect - not sure if it was my own insecurities or what - my own doubts - and projecting my stuff on him - but not hearing from him that day, all the thoughts in my head began to come from a negative space - like I was playing an old movie of stuff that has happened to me in the past. So yep - I created it by expecting it. Monday I got that text that he wanted to do the right thing and take a step back until things were sorted out with the girl. At first I was mature about the whole thing - until my ego took over and I then sent a text that was a little 'bitchy' - and of course not long after I got the dreaded 'maybe this ain't gonna work' rubbish - so there you have it - I'd f**ked it up - royally. I was a hot mess for days - thinking back on it and wishing to goodness that I had never said that to him - but it was too late now. And that is pretty much where things have been left for now - I haven't heard from him since - and in all fairness I haven't said anything either. I could of course kick myself for the way things are at the moment - but one good thing has come out of it, at least now I have been able to deal with all the emotional stuff that it triggered.

I hope that we do get to talk some time soon - it would be an awful shame if that really was it - f**king nightmare this relationship stuff - when will I ever get it right and stop acting out? - out of panic and fear - cos that is what happened. Wish I knew what triggers that - I get like that a lot actually :(

I went to see my tarot lady last week and she saw him in the cards straight away - so let's wait and see if what she said comes true :) I'll keep that under my hat for now.

This posting is gonna be a short one - I know that's lame but it's late Sunday night and I am feeling a bit on edge for some reason and am gonna head to bed and do my meditation - feeling anxious for some reason.

My friend has also introduced me to another guy - from Toronto which is freaking miles away - but it does act as a distraction - he does send an awful lot of text messages though - too many in fact - I think day one I got about 30 messages and the same on day two - all or nothing isn't it. It's kinda freaked me out a bit - I mean who has all that time to be texting? - don't know why people don't just pick up the phone and talk to each other. I said that too. He sent another one today about noonish, but I just said I was heading out the door - otherwise 2 more hours of thumb ache.

So that's me - nothing too crazy to share - I've been mega busy at work - working on some really senior stuff and am in a really good place :) Happy that the days are longer - our clocks went forward last week - so spring is in the air and the cherry blossoms are out already.

Okay - that's all for now - have a lovely week - and now that my evening shows are all finished I hope to be writing more often again! :)

Sometimes he really does just knock on the front door

I was sitting there at the end of the table waiting to be told who I would be out on the road with - clock had just turned to 7.55am and I had a face like a smacked bum - I had been up since 4am - sketched out and pissed that I would have to do this thing, this 'ride' thing for the whole morning. Truth is, I was just being a princess. I had got a cab there to avoid the risk of parking and having to walk in the pissing rain - it was absolutely chucking it down. And just as the clock struck 8, in he walked and my heart near fell out of my chest as I turned away, telling myself 'be cool, be cool' - don't look at him - my eyes would have given the game away - I was suddenly thrilled to be there and praying in my head that I would end up in the van with him.

Months ago, in fact back in September of last year there had been something up with my digital cable box - so it meant that sometimes I was able to get the movies on demand, and other times I wasn't. So working for a cable company and all, my colleague set up a service technician to come out to my home and find out what was going on. So I waited - and waited - and waited - until finally just before the close of the 5pm to 8pm window, I got a call from the 'cable guy'. By now I was in my comfy clothes, hair up in a bun and probably not even a scrap of make-up on my face, I can't quite recall - I do hope though that I had taken the paper-clip like hair grips that I use to keep my fringe from my face off :) And in he walks - this 6 foot something piece of 'lovely' was standing there in my apartment - and all I could think was 'F**k I look a mess' :) He was training some other guy, so there were in fact 2 of them. He was very factual and knowledgeable and of course I shared the fact that I worked in the Downtown location of the same company - and of course neither one of us could over step a boundary due to the work thing - plus the fact that there was another guy in the room too. So he said that he would call me in a couple of days to make sure that everything was okay.

And in fairness, he did call, and I did think that that was one great bit of customer service - but maybe he felt that he had to do that as we work for the same company. I didn't call him back - didn't see the point - afterall what would I have in common with a technician? - I do know how awful that sounds in hindsight - but it was how I justified things at the time. I did tell my colleague how 'fine' the technician was and left it at that.

Just a few weeks later we had our quarterly meeting just across the street - must have been about 300 of us in total - some of us from the office and some of us technicians - and yes, you guessed it - he was there! I was kinda hoping he'd see me, but it wasn't meant to be and there was no way on earth that I was going to go up there and introduce myself to him - but my colleague got a look at him and agreed with me - a fine and very lovely guy :)

Which leads me to the Christmas party - I was stuck with 'Mr Boring' all night - my colleague had obviously taken some sleeping pills before venturing out that night - he was such a bore - I wished I had taken one of my girlfriends with me so that I could have danced and had a laugh. So just as we're about to leave, there he is again 'Mr 6 foot 2' chatting to some guy - so I just stepped in there and introduced myself - he remembered me which was a good thing - no honest - he really did, he remembered the job that he had done at my place - so that really was a good sign - but with 'Mr Boring' at my side, who he would think was my date, I had no chance of taking this thing any further AGAIN! 'Mr Boring' did suggest that we stay on a little later and I could make a play for him, but I just wasn't in the mood - plus my feet were KILLING me!

So that brings us to me sitting there at the end of the table awaiting my 'ride' partner - and wishing it would be 'Mr 6 foot 2' who still hadn't noticed me - he was just 3 or 4 feet away from me as he got something out of his locker - but I still turned my head the other way. And then holy moly, my wish was granted and over comes the lady telling me that I was heading out for the morning with 'Mr 6 foot 2' - JACKPOT!!!!!!  I was ecstatic - but kept my cool - grinned at myself in the washroom mirror like a cheshire cat and waited for him to come and sit down - then as soon as I opened my mouth, he recognized me and blushed - awwww :) Perhaps he was on the same track as me :)

So off we went - me buckled up in the front of the van - brolley in tow - pissing rain - blissfully happy. And I just told myself that I was totally going to put myself out there - let him see how much fun I could be - have a laugh :) So that's exactly what I did - I had a great way of getting in there to find out if he was single or not - just started talking about the lack of decent men here in Vancouver, the perils of dating and the certain perils of online dating - so of course that got the conversation in full swing. I asked him why guys give you their number and then never call back after they've asked for yours' online - and what's with this 72 hour rule - all these dumb dating rules - playing games more like.

Anyways to cut a long story short we had the best time - covered a lot of ground - he was an absolute gentleman from start to finish - opening doors for me - even held my brolley over me at one point so that I wouldn't get wet - we giggled - we laughed - and we shared - oh and then we had lunch together - it was there that he told me that he had had the best day EVER! Wowser!

Okay so there was one thing - there always is isn't there? - he had met a girl just a few weeks ago and they had planned to go away for the weekend to figure out if this was worth pursuing or not. My tummy took a tumble and I felt sick - history repeating itself - right from my first ever crush when I was 16 years old - and he too had some chick that he was dating. Second fiddle again! But for some reason this time it felt different. But hey that doesn't mean that I didn't do everything I could to f**k it up - of course I did - all my stuff came up and all those old wounds were left wide open again - and I was swirling in panic mode in just a matter of days.

We'll talk about that next time - I have to run cos it's late and I want to read before bedtime.

Bye All :)