And another one bites the dust - AGAIN!!!!!

 

 

I am bored out of my mind today - and I am surprised at how long it has been since I wrote on here. So here goes - what have I been up to? Well autumn is well and truly here, it's been pissing rain all day and I am so glad that I have been working from home today. I am such a miserable little thing when I have to go out in the rain - albeit I now have some hard ass rubber boots that make me feel like a military officer :)

 

People are starting to get ready for Christmas already and the party invites are out - I have bought my dress already and started my booty exercises on Monday night as it's rather 'form fitting' and I want to leave people with a nice impression! :)

 

So let's catch up on what happened with F&cknut! Yep that became his nickname a few weeks in - poor guy - feels kinda mean actually but oh well if the cap fits. So literally almost 4 weeks after I broke contact altogether and had found my 'happy' and in the words of Liz from Eat Pray Love, was feeling my balance, he text me - outa the blue - and asked how I was getting on - it was a complete shock to see a text from him as I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. It was a breezy 'how are you stranger' which kinda gets on my wick a bit, that whole 'stranger' thing just gets my back up cos I wouldn't be a stranger of you hadn't treated me like a piece of crap. Anyways, you must know me by now, I text him back a few hours later and he replied telling me that he was looking for work.

 

So now my head is in a spin - is he reaching out to me cos he knows that I can help him find work - or is he telling me that he has time to take me out on that date that we had spoken about weeks ago. I took as being a bit of both - but decided that he wasn't going to get in my good books again that easy and make him work for it this time. Told him that I was not about to let him off the hook and would keep things 'business' for now and that if he connected with me by email and let me know the type of thing that he was looking for, that I would do my best to help him.

 

Days passed - and nothing - and I just thought 'can't believe this wanker is doing this to me again'. I text him and asked if it had all been a ploy to get into my good books again and he said 'no' - that it was genuine and that he had just been busy. Ding ding ding went the alarm bells in my head - if finding work wasn't a priority, how could dating me ever be one?

 

I told him straight up that I was not getting trapped by his BS again - and that he was full of himself - likened him to that gold foil covered chocolate in the Milk Tray box and made it clear that I was not falling for it a second time. His reply was humble - that I was the stunning one and that he was just a simple guy - the funny thing is I can believe that about him as it's what my intuition hit on when we met - but still not sure what to make of the whole thing. Is it not supposed to be easier than this? Why has it taken us 3 months of texting and f'ing about? Isn't it supposed to be easier than this. Oh and if one more person says that he's just not that into me, I will shoot them or myself! :)

 

I finally plucked up the courage to ask him out for a drink - told him that we could keep it platonic to avoid any pressure - afterall we may not have liked each other in the end - after all so much time had passed. He said it was a great idea and would next week work - to which I replied, 'yes of course, just let me know which day'. This was Friday - by Tuesday night I still hadn't heard anything and now I was furious and humiliated.

 

The only thing left to do was to send him a very nice 'get f'd' text message and shut the lid on this thing once and for all - so that it exactly what I did. I figured that if I didn't, weeks from now he would come crawling back from from underneath his rock and f'ing with my head again - just because he knew he could and because he felt like it.

 

I never expected to hear back - next thing my phone beeps - text from him saying that he didn't understand my message as he has asked for a date on Wednesday night and this was my response. I sat down and thought 'Oh f&ck - he did text me and I missed it - or deleted it - and now I have sent him that very nice 'go to hell and lose my number text' so there is really no going back from this. But then I had a sense that he was lying - I haev no idea why, but the thought just pinged into my head - not sure why - was it just denial cos it made things better for me - or is that my usual 'go to' cos I knew that I had screwed things up. We exchanged a few more texts - he said that the text was in his sent items, I said I never saw it and then I just said that this whole things had pretty much sucked from the beginning and signed off 'best' as that is something he does which drives me nuts!!!! Don't 'best' me - it's almost as annoying as 'take care' - you don't mean it - it's not what you really want - you don't want this thing to end so why give me the 'take care'.

 

My conclusion is this - the two of us have f&cked about for so many weeks over this thing and that there has already been so much emotional turmoil, that it seems hard to just break away from all of that and get to a place which is light where you can just meet for a tea or glass of wine and start from the beginning. Don't get me wrong though, I am gutted cos I really liked this guy - but it just got complicated - complicated by text - I am not doing that anymore. In fact I met a guy two weeks ago - let's call him F&cknut Number 2 - we text a little for 2 days and then I told him I wasn't into this text thing and that he could call me if he wanted to get to know me - he said that he would.

 

Of course I never heard from him again - no loss this time!!! But moving forward that is going to be my tactic - if the guy can't pick up the phone then he's not worth it and probably has a couple other girls that he is doign the exact same thing with. Texting has become an addiction - like caffeine, tobacco and drugs - we all wait for the beep of that phone like it is a drug - filling up that space in our lives - the space that was used before waiting for the phone to ring - or for that email - or FB message - what a crock - we have forgotten what it is to communicate with people on a soul to soul level - where you can hear the inflection in the guy's voice - hear him laugh and have that mmmmm feeling in your hear - now it's all LMAO and LOL - and it all seems so very very sad.

 

I would love to pick up the phone to F&cknut and just talk to him - have a conversation - but the truth is that after 3 months of not hearing his voice, and having no real sense of who he is even after all the details that we have shared, I would not even know where to begin. And he wouldn't pick the phone up anyways cos he would shit a brick when he saw my name :)

 

Oh and the real biggie here - do you think he did text me - or do you think he didn't - do you think I missed the text or deleted it by accident????? Questions - questions - questions! F&ck me - I am so done with all of of this doubt all of the time - why why why why why - why is my life full of 'why's? :))

 

Oh yeah, movie recommendation: Albert Nobbs, and a great show I have been watching is 'Homeland'.

 

 

 

 

 

Blame

 

 

 

 

The reason why I look to blame myself Krystal is simple - because I do blame myself - because on some level I knew how he would treat me - I knew that he would get to a point where he had no value in me whatsoever - I knew that I would go back to him time and time again and let him destroy me - I knew that no matter what I intuited, or what my soul was telling me to do most clearly that I would keep going back for more - to be ignored - and treated like shit - to keep battering myself up against him - begging from the inside out for him to like me - for him to want me - for him to understand me - for him to talk to me - for him to just talk to me - for him to save me - yes, for him to save me - to save me from myself - to hold me by the wrists as I knelt on the floor and to pull me up - to carry me - oh please God, just to carry me just for a few steps because the load is more than I can bare most of the time - what I have done is too much - what I let happen was too much - what I let him do was too much - and I let him do that to me - I let him do that to me.

 

 

I used to walk up those stairs knowing what would take place - knowing that in just moments I would be looking up at that poster wishing I was somewhere else, somebody else - my soul so far out of my body that I am not even sure where it used to go. Why do I blame myself Garry? Cos I let him do that to me - I didn't stop him - I didn't tell him to get off me - I didn't stay downstairs with my Grandma - I didn't go into the garden with my GrandPa - I didn't opt to stay downstairs and watch TV - I went up there time and time again - and then you have the classic response that I was a child - and that I didn't know any better and that he should have known - well you know what every cell in my being intuited what was going to happen and I did nothing to stop it - NOTHING! I let him do that to me - with my cousins and my brother standing there - and you know what by God now I think I know why my broether looks at me that way - why he looks at me with those eyes - why he resents me and is angry with me - it's cos I fucking did nothing - how could he not have known on some level what was happening to me?

 

That's why he rejects me.

 

And all I want HIM to do it to appreciate me - to see me - to value me.

 

Fuck me I think what I have just written is the single most profound thing that has just made the most sense to me.

 

So what now Krystal? What do I do now to get passed almost 40 years of programming? What do I do to get passed the learned behaviour that is in my cells - how do I get passed how I have let myself down? How do I get passed the lowsy choices I have made? How do I forgive myself for the times that I have text again and again and again in the hope that this time, maybe this time he will like me - maybe this time he will send me a smile - maybe this time he will take me out for that drink - maybe this time he will make that effort - maybe this time he will ask me a question - maybe this time he will see me.

 

Two days ago I made a vow to myself as I held the photo of me when I was just 6 months old - sitting in my white dress - blue cardigan and little red shoes - I vowed that I will never ever let a man use me again - I will never ever offer my body to a man again who has not taken the time to look into my eyes and see who I am - I vowed that I will never again ignore my inner guidance - that voice that speaks to me and tells me that he doesn't value me - and now by God I am going to honour that vow. You see it's like this Garry, the more I begged him to see me and like me, the more I tried to force that to happen - the more I needed for him to understand me - to just talk to me and get to know me - the more he felt 'desperation' - it must have felt like desperation to him - it certainly wasn't what was coming from me - what was coming from me was the purest most innocent search to connect with someone - again to connect with someone beyond the need to just hop into bed - well we can conclude that it didn't work out for me this time.

 

And at this time I can only imagine who that 'successful' man will be - I'm not looking for your regular 'Tom, Dick or Harry' - I am looking for a someone who has embraced his own heart - has embraced compassion and does not run from love - someone who is ready to make a commitment to us - and every time he sees that panic in my eyes, the same panic that that bastard used to see, he will grab me by the wrists and lift me from the floor and carry me - carry me for the few steps that I need to be carried until one day I realize that it wasn't my fault - that I don't need to keep punishing myself - carry me until that moment I believe that the world is safe - carry me until I believe it is safe to love - until I am safe.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYcXjJXxqVM&feature=related

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wishes

 

 

They all come with lessons, these experiences called life. I came home last night after a couple of glasses of wine knowing exactly what I had to do, and it all coincided nicely with the 'Blue Moon' - not too sure what a 'Blue Moon' is but I do know that the night of a full moon is the best time to let go of old 'stuff' - to release. I removed him from LinkedIn - and how nuts does that sound, that one of the most painful things that I have done so far in years is to remove someone from my LinkedIn contacts - but so symbolic - I know that one day he will look as his 'whose looked at me list' and although he will see my name, I won't be there as a connection anymore. I wonder how he will feel if anything at all. You see for weeks now we have been playing a game of tennis, where one day he looks at my profile and a few days later I look at his - without an exchange of words. So I thought instead of being a dick, I would send him a text message - and did - and of course still no reply after 4 days. He probably had me down as some right deseprado by now - but in all honesty I don't care what he thinks as how could he know anything about me when we haven't exchanged anything but text messages in two months. But anyways back to the night of deleting him - and then I went and found the piece of paper that he had given me with his number on it - and thought about it long and hard before my fingers started doing the talking and shredded it and flung it in the toilet bowel.

 

Now let me be very clear none of this was easy for me - I cried and cried and cried - and cried even more when I went back and saw that the ink from the pen he had used had turned the water in the bowel a funny colour - I have no idea why that set me off. I have the contents of 2 Tesco's carrier bags hanging from my eyes today - and it doesn't really feel any better than it did yesterday. And I am still wondering and trying to make sense of why I have had such a tough time with this.

 

Why do we run from love - why did he run from love? Okay so if he ran from love then that means I run from love as he is a reflection of me otherwise I would not have attracted him into my life - and as I stood at the kitchen sink washing my dishes I remembered that as a child I would equate love to strings and attachments and some type of ownership and imprisonment - that some guy would some how trap me and want me to be his property - I have no idea why at such a tender age I had these notions. But that was it - the lightbulb moment - all the guys that I have ever truly fallen for have been the same way - here I am trying to love them and the more I love them, the faster they run - and run and run. Thinking that same thing that I did - that in some way I was trying to possess them, own them - take away their freedom.

 

 Nothing could be further from the truth - I don't want to own anybody. I heard something said in a movie yesterday, some cheesy chick flick about the number of guys some chick had slept with - 'What's your Number' I think - and in it she says 'Being In Love Means Being Yourself' - never a truer word spoken - aren't we all just looking for that 'special' someone that will ove us just the way we are. I feel like I am off topic as my thoughts are all over the place at the moment.

 

 Anyways when I woke this morning there was no regret - there was no 'Oh fuck what have I done?' as I know that I have done the right thing. I popped on my laptop to play my meditation music - it is something that I have started to do just recently as I feel that it is important to create that space for serenity and sanctuary to come into your morning so that it sets you up for the day - and I carried on looking at the links and my fingers found the most beautiful video I think I have ever seen - and a song that plays toward the end. OMG it is like 'heart music' - it also sounds like the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.

 

I've had it on replay all afternoon.

 

I'm going to say it and I know that some of you will think that I am crazy - but I think I was in love with him - and I don't mean the sticky love that comes from those words that people say often times when what they mean is 'don't ever leave me as I don't know what I would do without you' - it was the unconditional love that had opened up after my 'dating and sex' session 2 months ago - you see the thing is my heart was WIDE OPEN - probably the most open it has ever been - and I was happy that night when we met in that club - and when I saw him, I feel the connection instantly - and to hold him felt like the most natural thing I have ever done - and I didn't want to jump him - it felt purer than some base need to screw - I felt like I had found what I had been looking for - and even if just for those few hours when my heart stayed wide open and I have no recollection of saying goodbye a part of me wishes that we hadn't exchanged numbers - that all this fear and baggage had not had space to take root to destroy all that love. And I would have smiled at a memory instead of feeling this clamp in my chest right now - this heaviness that keeps me grounded in pain. But what I wish more than anything else in the whole world is that I had never told a soul about him - not a thing - na-da - I wish that I had not opened myself up to their doubts and their experiences and their bullshit - that's what I wish.

 

So that is my take-away from all of this - for once in my life to keep shut - and to listen to my own guidance.

 

I have attached the link to the song that I found this morning - the lyrics are beautiful - and if you go to the second link you will hear it play alongside the awesome video I found too (play it from 48 minutes along until the end if you are pushed for time). Is there ever a doubt that He guides us to find what we need just when we need it? I don't think so :)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdCRtQTL6LM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEk0bamXv6k&feature=related

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Dream Crushers

Two weeks ago I was out and about 'hitting the town', wearing my lovely new clothes that I had bought from the UK and my 50's inspired pink heels that I had spent time and effort on with a hair dryer to stretch them out so that they would not completely 'kill' my toes by the time the night was over. It started off being a pretty drab night as people just weren't getting into it and of course with that, I became more and more anxious - forever the worry wart and hoping that everyone was having a good time.

Finally on the arrival of 2 of my girlfriends and countless shots of 'Patron', the party livened up. And before we knew it we were all in a limo driving to the Downtown core to go to a nightclub that I hadn't been to in all the years that I had been here. We walked in, and I looked around, kids of all ages, shapes and sizes, some drunker than others and all seeming to have fun. It really was a very rowdy crowd. And then as we hit the dance floor, out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy full on checking me out, eyes the most intense I have ever been witness to before and I felt that for a split second I had been put under a trance - the seconds seemed to drift in slow motion - and he moved around us and walked off with his friend. I thought nothing more of it and we danced some more and got drinks and settled in a spot not too far from the bar.

There I was boogeying and bopping away having a jolly old time - turned around and there he was sitting there on a stool, looking at me as some girl was stood inbetween his legs giving him the come on for sure. I thought it best to let them crack on and carried on dancing and glancing over every one in a while just so that he knew that I still had him covered :)

Over came a very drunk 20 year old boy who was trying to ask me for a dance, but barely able to stand and gob smacked when I told him how old I was, he moved on :) So then back to my guy, still chatting to the girl, still giving me a 'once in a while' glance - so I waited and waited. At long last, she turned around and walked away and I knew that this was it - this was the time to out all the previous night's seminar work into action - to embrace my 'inner slut' and to be open to love again - so I just thought f**k it - I'm gonna go and talk to him - which is exactly what I did - 'hi my name is........., how are you?'. He was lovely - just lovely - not some ratbag dude just looking to get laid - I could feel the sincerity in his eyes and he just grabbed my hand and rushed me to the dance floor.

Hand on heart the best dance ever - and we just hugged - it was so so beautiful - he didn't make a move to snog me or do anything besides be` in that moment - and after we just went back to our little spot and held hands like teenagers. And then hugged some more - I wanted to kiss him so bad, but my friends were kinda front row and I thought it tacky, plus I feared that the room would start to spin as I had had quite a lot to drink by then.

He didn't have his phone on him so he wrote his number down on the back of a receipt - and I did the same thing - "I'm not ringing you first" was the very next thing that I said - I was determined that I wasn't going to chase his ass - and we smiled and hugged some more. Then the lights came on - the night was over and I had to get my friend home as he had almost fallen asleep on the stool. So the guy and his friends left.

Next day I text him and he replied and said "I want to see you again really soon" - that was 2 weeks ago - so that was a bloody long 'really soon'.

But let me also add this, every single person that I have told this tale too, and I wish to God that I had kept my gob shut, has had something to say - dream crushers the bloody lot of them - yes it is not their fault for trapping off but mine for listening, I did the same thing with the Slovenian. And I have now in the space of just 2 weeks sabotaged it, pushed him away, he's probably just shy of thinking that I am a loony toon and won't touch me now with a barge pole. So we have had "Oh well, at least your heart is open again and if it doesn't work out blah blah blah", "Oh he must be out fucking a blonde that's why he hasn't called you", "Oh you mustn't have any expectations", "Oh he's just not that into you" and the list goes on and on and on.

And here I am thinking, do I do this to you? Do I shit all over your happiness when you tell me a story? Do I sit there and judge and throw your shit back in your face. 9 times out of 10, I am confident that I do not. In fact I have been called Pollyanna more than once as I always have a positive spin. So listening to this bullshit, and with the now impregnated seeds of doubt, I have fucked it up. Cos let's face it I don't deserve a happy ending, I will not find my prince and I will be the one paying for sperm one day.

I feel like nobody believes in me anymore, they question my guidance and my intuition and to make things worse, I end up doing exactly what they say - so perhaps they are just reflecting my own doubts back to me.

So Friday night was the last straw as I listened to an old friend over drinks banging on about how I should date some more guys too and out myself out there - not have any expectations - to which after 3 hours of badgering me I just finally said "I wish you would just shut the f&&k up". Of course he hated me for it - stormed off after he said that he will never talk to me again. So there you have it, no guy and one less friend, potentially.

Happy now? Happy that I can be that same person that I have always been - would a change in my circumstance threaten you so much that you have to keep crushing my happiness...........................all I ask is that you think before you say something next time or as my Mom says, if you`ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all`!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dear friend Alex passed away a few days ago, I already miss him dearly, I know that he would have said `Homes, take no notice of those bastards, and do what makes you happy`. I hope that wherever you are Alex that the sun shines on you every day, every moment of every day, I miss how you made me laugh.

I`ve fucked up again Alex.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbu672bwBjo

Wooden Heart

It always looked the same - the walls - the blue on the walls - with the white white ceiling with the white trim - the closet in the bottom right corner - the desk - the cassette player - the lamp - the tape cassettes under the bed - the boxes - the crap - the mounds of crap - the almost thread bare carpet - the pink quilted cover on the single bed - pushed up on the top right corner of the bed - and her - there she was staring up at the ceiling - staring at the 'Santana' poster on the wall with the picture of the red mountains - and 'Santana' written on the top right on the frame - legs spilling over the side of the bed and with her back on the bed - 'God where are you?', 'God where are you?', 'God where are you?', 'Grandmom, why don't you come up the stairs, why don't you stop this from happening, why don't you get him off me?', 'Please get him off me', 'Please make him stop', 'Please get him off me'. He had her pinned to the bed. Staring in her eyes - hard and pressing into her small frame - she didn't know what that hardness was - but it felt wrong - whatever it was felt wrong. And then turning her face this way and that - she was trying to escape from his advances - from his mouth as he forced her to kiss him - 'If you kiss me once, properly, if you kiss me properly I will stop', 'Kiss me properly and I will stop'.

She stood in the back garden watching the ants crawling up the red walls of the red brick enclosure - she could see the pink and the yellow of the roses that were also crawling up the walls - walking over to them she picked the most beautiful of them all - in her attempt to touch it she caught her 6 year old hand on a thorn - and the bead of blood began to form a trail down her palm. It was then that she made a decision - a decision that 'life was cruel, life hurt' - in that searing heat she ran inside and tumbled on the couch, she peeled melon pips in her mouth to eat the seeds - TV on - she learnt that Elvis Presley had died - he was dead - the guy that she loved was dead - she continued to pop melon pips in her mouth, peeling them between her teeth while Granny made dinner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTjkPAZvcWw

The Illusion

A deep sadness has loomed over me for weeks now - weeks - days - hours - minutes - night after night just me, myself and I - and my questions - lots and lots of questions. You know when you have forgotten what it feels like to belly laugh - and find peace? I haven't heard a peep from the guy - not a thing - not a text - not a missed call - nothing at all! And yes, you have to have as sense of perspective - but I'm sure we've all been there - I can't help getting back to the same point, if I just knew what had happened, why he changed his mind, in fact if anything changed, or did he just not have the gumption to follow through - would it not have been fair just to let me know that he made up his mind and decided to stay in the situation that he was in? Or should I just assume because of the silence?

One evening this week, I was sitting here watching the 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' - honestly it's just about the only time that I stop thinking over and over and over - I think half the reason I do that is cos I have nothing else going on - it's different isn't it when you're around family - life happening - or kids to cook tea for - or errands to run - or friends popping by - just something - life? And I was so lost in my thoughts seconds after the show finished, that I knew the only way to stop the 'monkey mind' was to do my meditation - so that is exactly what I did - I prayed first that God point me in the right direction - provide me with some answers.

I lay down in bed and talked to myself - as I used to when I was a little girl - and I listened to my story - bottom line is is that I am feeling really really hurt - I'm hurting - maybe because I am feeling rejected, not good enough, abandoned or just plain confused. How do you go from such a lovely day to an exchange albeit over the cell phone to 'nothingness'? I was so confused. So I started to look at the situation from the outside - away from all the fantasy - and illusion - the illusion and fantasy tale that I myself had created. And it came to me - crystal clear - I had created this whole story - making him the 'ideal' - 'the one' - the one I was meant to be with - the foundation of that being the amount of times fate had brought us together - surely that was proof enough!?!  But then stepping out of the illusion and the movie that I had created, I asked myself 'so how would it really go now if he did text me, how would it go if we did meet up for a drink?'.

I am not sure that there is a single thing that he could say to me that could compensate for the hurt that I have felt over the past few weeks - not a thing - even 'sorry' would miss the mark unless he was about to own his stuff - and then would we really be able to sit there and have that candid a conversation? And then imagine the coffee date, lying there I pictured it - even with all the pleasantries, part of me would be hissing - again hurting over the time that has passed by and him leaving me with 'nothing' by way of closure. Smile on my face - but deep down I would know that he has done something to me that feels so cruel - because it reminds me so much of how the Slovenian treated me - and with that knowledge you know the something that I know? I know that he could do it to me again and again and again. Once bitten twice shy. I have been driving myself crazy insane over someone I know nothing about - I don't know his favourite colour, movie, song, food - nothing!!!!!  I haven't even touched him - and here I am creating an illusion. Putting him into the deluded picture of bliss that I have in my head that never materialises anyway.

My definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I figure bollocks to him - the story and the illusion - bollocks to that story I had written and high time that I found me a new one - one that is forged in reality - where I actually have a 'Happy Ending' for me! And now what, what will happen when I see him at the next work event, or the next Xmas party - well I'll do what I know how to do - I will glaze my eyes over and look straight through him as if I am looking through a window - and he will never ever know the hurt he caused me - the hurt I caused me.

I remember a friend of mine once said to me 'you only have to get it right once' - I guess my panic is will I ever get it right at all?

And I hope now that I can finally wake from the sadness that swept over me for days and days and days.

Apart from that not much else has been going on - not that I've been aware of anyways - I have bought myself 10 hot yoga classes and will do my best to get back to classes over the long weekend. All my favourite shows have started up for the spring, 'Mad Men' and 'Game of Thrones'. Work is going well - some challenges but nothing too crazy. The cherry blossom is out and the leaves are starting to bud on the trees outside my apartment window which is super nice to see. Spring is finally here :)

I found this link during the week - how timely :) Have a lovely week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYPK985IQYM&feature=related

Sometimes he really does knock on the front door - part two

So where were we? Oh yeah - so we've just got back from the morning out of the office - and I received a text message from him cos I had left my water bottle in his van - have I said this before? I can't remember. So he had sent me a text to say that he had dropped it off upstairs for me - I joked with him saying that it has just been a ploy cos honest to goodness the thought had crossed my mind to do that so that he would be in touch :) I didn't think that I would actually leave it there in my angst as I was falling out if the van :) I text back the next day asking him if it was quiet without my nuisance, and it just went slowly but surely from there. All week saying nice things to each other - fun things - and by the weekend we were still in a good spot. Of course it felt wrong though too knowing that he had this weekend away planned with his girlie - but it's like anything that feels good, you just don't want to give it up!

The weekend was strange though - I felt us dis-connect - not sure if it was my own insecurities or what - my own doubts - and projecting my stuff on him - but not hearing from him that day, all the thoughts in my head began to come from a negative space - like I was playing an old movie of stuff that has happened to me in the past. So yep - I created it by expecting it. Monday I got that text that he wanted to do the right thing and take a step back until things were sorted out with the girl. At first I was mature about the whole thing - until my ego took over and I then sent a text that was a little 'bitchy' - and of course not long after I got the dreaded 'maybe this ain't gonna work' rubbish - so there you have it - I'd f**ked it up - royally. I was a hot mess for days - thinking back on it and wishing to goodness that I had never said that to him - but it was too late now. And that is pretty much where things have been left for now - I haven't heard from him since - and in all fairness I haven't said anything either. I could of course kick myself for the way things are at the moment - but one good thing has come out of it, at least now I have been able to deal with all the emotional stuff that it triggered.

I hope that we do get to talk some time soon - it would be an awful shame if that really was it - f**king nightmare this relationship stuff - when will I ever get it right and stop acting out? - out of panic and fear - cos that is what happened. Wish I knew what triggers that - I get like that a lot actually :(

I went to see my tarot lady last week and she saw him in the cards straight away - so let's wait and see if what she said comes true :) I'll keep that under my hat for now.

This posting is gonna be a short one - I know that's lame but it's late Sunday night and I am feeling a bit on edge for some reason and am gonna head to bed and do my meditation - feeling anxious for some reason.

My friend has also introduced me to another guy - from Toronto which is freaking miles away - but it does act as a distraction - he does send an awful lot of text messages though - too many in fact - I think day one I got about 30 messages and the same on day two - all or nothing isn't it. It's kinda freaked me out a bit - I mean who has all that time to be texting? - don't know why people don't just pick up the phone and talk to each other. I said that too. He sent another one today about noonish, but I just said I was heading out the door - otherwise 2 more hours of thumb ache.

So that's me - nothing too crazy to share - I've been mega busy at work - working on some really senior stuff and am in a really good place :) Happy that the days are longer - our clocks went forward last week - so spring is in the air and the cherry blossoms are out already.

Okay - that's all for now - have a lovely week - and now that my evening shows are all finished I hope to be writing more often again! :)

Sometimes he really does just knock on the front door

I was sitting there at the end of the table waiting to be told who I would be out on the road with - clock had just turned to 7.55am and I had a face like a smacked bum - I had been up since 4am - sketched out and pissed that I would have to do this thing, this 'ride' thing for the whole morning. Truth is, I was just being a princess. I had got a cab there to avoid the risk of parking and having to walk in the pissing rain - it was absolutely chucking it down. And just as the clock struck 8, in he walked and my heart near fell out of my chest as I turned away, telling myself 'be cool, be cool' - don't look at him - my eyes would have given the game away - I was suddenly thrilled to be there and praying in my head that I would end up in the van with him.

Months ago, in fact back in September of last year there had been something up with my digital cable box - so it meant that sometimes I was able to get the movies on demand, and other times I wasn't. So working for a cable company and all, my colleague set up a service technician to come out to my home and find out what was going on. So I waited - and waited - and waited - until finally just before the close of the 5pm to 8pm window, I got a call from the 'cable guy'. By now I was in my comfy clothes, hair up in a bun and probably not even a scrap of make-up on my face, I can't quite recall - I do hope though that I had taken the paper-clip like hair grips that I use to keep my fringe from my face off :) And in he walks - this 6 foot something piece of 'lovely' was standing there in my apartment - and all I could think was 'F**k I look a mess' :) He was training some other guy, so there were in fact 2 of them. He was very factual and knowledgeable and of course I shared the fact that I worked in the Downtown location of the same company - and of course neither one of us could over step a boundary due to the work thing - plus the fact that there was another guy in the room too. So he said that he would call me in a couple of days to make sure that everything was okay.

And in fairness, he did call, and I did think that that was one great bit of customer service - but maybe he felt that he had to do that as we work for the same company. I didn't call him back - didn't see the point - afterall what would I have in common with a technician? - I do know how awful that sounds in hindsight - but it was how I justified things at the time. I did tell my colleague how 'fine' the technician was and left it at that.

Just a few weeks later we had our quarterly meeting just across the street - must have been about 300 of us in total - some of us from the office and some of us technicians - and yes, you guessed it - he was there! I was kinda hoping he'd see me, but it wasn't meant to be and there was no way on earth that I was going to go up there and introduce myself to him - but my colleague got a look at him and agreed with me - a fine and very lovely guy :)

Which leads me to the Christmas party - I was stuck with 'Mr Boring' all night - my colleague had obviously taken some sleeping pills before venturing out that night - he was such a bore - I wished I had taken one of my girlfriends with me so that I could have danced and had a laugh. So just as we're about to leave, there he is again 'Mr 6 foot 2' chatting to some guy - so I just stepped in there and introduced myself - he remembered me which was a good thing - no honest - he really did, he remembered the job that he had done at my place - so that really was a good sign - but with 'Mr Boring' at my side, who he would think was my date, I had no chance of taking this thing any further AGAIN! 'Mr Boring' did suggest that we stay on a little later and I could make a play for him, but I just wasn't in the mood - plus my feet were KILLING me!

So that brings us to me sitting there at the end of the table awaiting my 'ride' partner - and wishing it would be 'Mr 6 foot 2' who still hadn't noticed me - he was just 3 or 4 feet away from me as he got something out of his locker - but I still turned my head the other way. And then holy moly, my wish was granted and over comes the lady telling me that I was heading out for the morning with 'Mr 6 foot 2' - JACKPOT!!!!!!  I was ecstatic - but kept my cool - grinned at myself in the washroom mirror like a cheshire cat and waited for him to come and sit down - then as soon as I opened my mouth, he recognized me and blushed - awwww :) Perhaps he was on the same track as me :)

So off we went - me buckled up in the front of the van - brolley in tow - pissing rain - blissfully happy. And I just told myself that I was totally going to put myself out there - let him see how much fun I could be - have a laugh :) So that's exactly what I did - I had a great way of getting in there to find out if he was single or not - just started talking about the lack of decent men here in Vancouver, the perils of dating and the certain perils of online dating - so of course that got the conversation in full swing. I asked him why guys give you their number and then never call back after they've asked for yours' online - and what's with this 72 hour rule - all these dumb dating rules - playing games more like.

Anyways to cut a long story short we had the best time - covered a lot of ground - he was an absolute gentleman from start to finish - opening doors for me - even held my brolley over me at one point so that I wouldn't get wet - we giggled - we laughed - and we shared - oh and then we had lunch together - it was there that he told me that he had had the best day EVER! Wowser!

Okay so there was one thing - there always is isn't there? - he had met a girl just a few weeks ago and they had planned to go away for the weekend to figure out if this was worth pursuing or not. My tummy took a tumble and I felt sick - history repeating itself - right from my first ever crush when I was 16 years old - and he too had some chick that he was dating. Second fiddle again! But for some reason this time it felt different. But hey that doesn't mean that I didn't do everything I could to f**k it up - of course I did - all my stuff came up and all those old wounds were left wide open again - and I was swirling in panic mode in just a matter of days.

We'll talk about that next time - I have to run cos it's late and I want to read before bedtime.

Bye All :)

Authenticity

So here we are, Sunday afternoon in Vancouver and I can hear the rain and the cars travelling up and down the street. I have just read some of the news on Whitney Houston - how sad - I remember when she 'came out' when we were just teenagers - 'How Will I Know' and 'I Want To Dance With Somebody' - I loved those songs - still do! What a terrible shame. And the Grammy's are on TV - don't know half of the artists to be honest - and boy do some of those girls need to cover up.

So what's been going on with me? I've had a tumultous time letting go of all that stuff at work - so much so that I ended up taking a day off work on Thursday - I was completely drained and knew that I was in a really fragile space - if I didn't do something to heal this thing and quick I would no doubt have sabotaged everything again. Said or done something that would have ended up in devastation.

I woke up puffy eyed on Thursday - with stomach cramps from something I'd eaten - I had spent an hour on the phone with my friend who has cancer - and it's fair to say that perspective was the order of that conversation. I had had a drink with another friend straight after work and was starting to think that all the 'crazy' was me - after all why had I been in this situation so many times before - why was this person at work turning up in my life over and over again? - I was the common denominator - so it had to be about me - I was creating this movie - this story. I was chatting to my friend about prospects in my current role and also about getting into life coaching again. Fact is, the courses are pretty much all full-time unless you do something online and then they're never quite the same - I mean you don't get to meet anyone then do you? So we drank and I twittered on about 'you know who' - my apparent nemesis at work and I was really working to a solution. I was actually getting to the point where I was completely and utterly sick of thinking about him and work and it!!!! So I came home and my other friend had sent me an email - he was in a lot of pain - and I called him as soon as I read it - God love him, I bawled for an hour - non-stop - blubbering - took his mind of his own stuff for a while though no doubt and I did check in to make sure that I was okay rambling on. Amazing how much stuff comes up when you've had a drink - or two :)

I was beginning to think that it was time that I went home to the UK - time to be with my family again - although I knew in my heart of hearts that that wasn't the answer either - it would be nice for a few weeks - perhaps after a holiday abroad and then the thought of being on public transport day in day out on the way to and from work in the UK makes my stomach churn - just the madness of the place really. Especially so after being here for so long.

So I woke up that morning thinking that another reading with Ming was in order - but I could hear my BFF's words in my ears - that wasn't the answer and I couldn't get an appointment either. And then I thought about Matthew - the sound healer - the guy that does the body work and reiki and no word of a lie, the minute I asked out loud if I should call him, up pops an email from him about one of his sessions at the local yoga studio - so of course I saw that as a sign and emailed him straight away and got a booking for 3.30pm - 3 hours of waiting time - I was neither here nor there - but managed to pass the time.

So I drove there after eating my tuna sandwich - I may have said this before but the basement to that house has a really low ceiling so you feel like you are an extra in the 'Lord of the Rings'. And there he was Matthew looking at me with his kind eyes - it amazes me just how much love and understanding just oozes out of him - without a single drop of judgement - and I rattled off the whole tale of the dude at work and how it was all affecting me and throwing me off balance - and no doubt I was owning my stuff too - I told him 'I can behave like a 6 year old sometimes, and this 'person' and what he represents turns up at my workplace all the time' - and then he was just quiet for a few seconds, felt like a really long time - so I asked him what he was thinking and he said ' I am excited for what you have set up for yourself - the lesson and healing that you take away from this will open up a huge door for you - and it is a huge opportunity to heal - and you wouldn't attract anything more than you could handle at any one time' - he had of course hit the nail right on the head.

So for the next 90 minutes or so, he worked to massage my body - get the energy flowing again - worked with me to send healing energy to my liver and spleen - the two organs that take a bashing when you're going through a lot of emotional stuff and then he blew through a huge shell that he had and shifted all the 'crap' and debris that was coming up and out of me. It's amazing how light you feel and how much energy you have after one of his sessions. Oh and then the other thing he told me was that I was to lay off the caffeine for a while - I was like 'oh $hit' - that's the only crutch I have - but truthfully I had had the same thought - I was noticing that every morning after my green tea, I was really strung out and twitchy and it was really throwing my emotions about all over the place - so much so that I felt like I was one of those hamster wheels for the whole day - it's amazing how much better I feel just after 3 days of just a little caffeine - I have just a baby cup of matcha tea in the morning and it doesn't make my heart race or my body heat up. So I'm sold - I think it was the caffeine overload that was making my brain just obsess over the 'stuff' and problems and I just wasn't able to get out of the loop. So something you may like to try out if you're feeling wiggy.

Also a huge thing that came up for me was the fact that I had been focusing on the negative stuff about my colleague and not seeing that his behavior was down to his own wounding - and once you get to a place of compassion and love - and remove yourself from his path and see yourself instead on your own - it's easy to break free from the 'crazy'. So I went in the next morning and thanked him for his words of praise a few days earlier and explained that I suck at giving compliments cos it just hasn't been my first and foremost mode of thinking - I'm not complaining about this right now, but I do recall that as kids, we were rarely and barely ever told that we had done something good - it was always the other way around, it was always a focus on what we had done wrong - and then as kids we felt bad and then trying to get back into our parent's good books again - so it was just this constant stress all the time - and as I have said before, if my parents had known better then, they would have done better. They're both pretty awesome now to be fair, Mom especially when it comes to telling me how proud she is of me - but you know how it is, parents have this way of just chopping you at your core cos they know with exact precision where your wounds are. So long story short, I just figure it was time for me to give this guy at work a break - to let the 6 year old in me go play and support me instead of acting out and being 'naughty'. He was thrilled when I commended him and Friday was a lovely day - it was nice to know that we had both gotten over a hurdle and reached a compromise. And I felt proud of myself too.

So there you have it - the big change since I last wrote. Apart from that nothing exciting has happened really - I've been out a couple of times but nothing too fancy - and no hangovers - and no men :) I'll be glad when Spring is here in just a few weeks time. I've started watching the new 'Spartacus' series, it's just as fabulous as the first two - although Andy Whitfield is still the hottest! :) I watched that movie 'Shame' with Michael Fassbender and he is my new celebrity crush - smoking!!!! Oh and I saw that move ' The Descendants' with George Clooney - thought it was pretty crap actually - don't know what all the hype is about - oh and I am reading 'The Help' - amazing book - the movie has already won a whole heap of awards.

Okay well Happy Monday to you all - and just as my tale proves, don't doubt your ability to affect just one person by a simple action - and even if it's something that feels awkward, compassion really is love manifested :) Say something nice to someone - a smile in the corridor or at the photocopy machine! 

This tune gives me goose bumps! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfPOXmT9HMA&feature=related

The Tower

I knew the very second that she flipped that card over that I was fkd!!! She did some work trying to camouflage her emotion - telling me that I was in for a windfall - but my gut wasn't having any of it - I was in for some serious emotional turmoil - I guess you could argue that I may have attracted is cos my vibration was in that space - but whichever way you choose to look at it - the last few weeks have been utterly devastating. If you ever take the time to look at the 'Tower' card in tarot, you will of course see a tower, it's up in flames and people are flinging themselves over the walls of it - so you see them mid-flight, and then there's thunder bolts and lightening in the dark sky. You know that you're in for shaky ride - but as they say, you gotta break some eggs to make omelettes.

I had the best time during my citizenship ceremony - and the perfect party afterward - I was so spoilt, I was given a whole heap of gifts from plants to tea towels to maple syrup tea leaves to a cup with native art on it - all with the Canadian theme. I was very careful not to drink too much and sipped on this cheap bottle of champagne that my colleague at work has introduced me too. I left just before I started to feel the giddyness on the alcohol. In fact with all the excitement and happiness, I had switched off my antennae and missed something huge - my colleague and confidante at work had been spending an awful lot of his time in meetings. So Monday morning was a real f'ing shocker.

He was now supervisor - I would now have to report to this douche bag - and the only reason I say that with such comtempt is cos I could not understand why the people from 'up above' could not see what a complete rat bag this guy could be - behind his 'brown nose' and mask, he was absolutely one of the most insecure and consequently bitchy people I had ever met - when he told me the news, I froze on the spot in dis-belief and could not for the life of me even muster up a fake 'well done you' - I've never been good with that kind of stuff. So now I would be reporting to him - directly or in-directly - I am still not sure about that yet.

I was screwing - I completely understood that it had to happen as someone had to do the work - but really - to be promoted because other people left and then the one with the longest tenure just fitted into that spot is hardly a good enough reason - in my book anyways - and that's the thing you see - in my book. I was in such a whirl of judgement - it was hard for me to even look at him without spitting bullets - and you know how someone just bothers you more then? The way they walk - the way they talk - the way they eat - the way they swagger - jumped up tw@t!!!!! I wanted to take a rifle gun and blast his new found feathers into oblivion - like one of those cartoons - a chicken standing there in the nuddy :) I can laugh now that he has been out of my face for the last 6 days - but tomorrow - Heaven help me tomorrow. And I know I need to get over this - cos this is my stuff! I don't think I have ever worked harder with EFT - trying to shift all that blocked up emotion - but it seems that every time I shift it - some more turns up - and more intense and redder than you can even imagine.

So Randall has been teaching me a new technique - you imagine roses - some kind of 'Rose Therapy' - it's actually quite neat - you pick a colour and then you can surround your aura with them - anywhere from yellow to pink to black - for protection etc. So I have been practising.

On the flip side though with him being out of the office, I was there on my own as the other kid was sick - sitting duck for the two biatches who sit in that same space - bully boy tactics - I speak up for myself and they go all out to treat me badly and talk about me huddled up in the corner - so more $hit to work on - why do people bully me? What am I putting out there that makes them bully me? Then my friend Krystal hit it on the head for me, 'you give as good as you get' - he didn't know what was going on at work but it was just what I needed to hear - so in I went surrounded in armour and ready to kick the f**k out of them energetically if they tried anything. One of them didn't - but I could see the other one still had a bone to pick - and I wasn't gonna behave the 'old way' anymore - so when she rudely interrupted one of my conversations on Friday, I went for a walk and came back and thanked her for stepping in - she wasn't expecting that - she apologized with a hiss for talking over me and I just replied with a 'don't worry about it, I don't sweat the small stuff' - piaoww - and if you want another bomb to emplode in your face biatch, I got one right here!!!!! I made a point of asking her how she planned to spend her weekend when I left - squirming she was - I was half genuine and half doing it on purpose - I knew she was wriggling and hating my guts - but I did it to piss her off - childish I know - but you know what - kill them with kindness - what's the biatch gonna do? Nothing she can do when I am so fricking polite it makes her wanna puke :)

Why oh why oh why don't women take care of each other? Why don't be big each other up instead of trying to f**k each other up - and you know what? It's always the insecure ones who hate themselves - they just want to spread their poison. I did try to be a better person though and consciously imagined her as a nice girl - appreciating that she is obviously just hurting over something - as I have said before "hurt people, hurt people" - trying to imagine the light in someone when they're trying to mess you up in not easy - but I am getting better :)

On top of all of this, I have been battling some demons of my own - feeling really down of late - it just hits me sometimes - I haven't been like this since I left the UK to go travelling to Aus - over 10 years - some people call it depression - I call it the 'dark night' - well whatever label you give it, there's been moments where I have just wanted to be on some other plane in this universe - somewhere else - somewhere where I don't have to fight these battles all the time and where people can just be nice and actually give a $hit. I do realize that I set myself up for it - I have been giving something off since I was a young girl that makes people think they can treat me like crap - but damn you, that is not happening anymore. A couple of weeks ago, I just wanted to walk out into the street - just to press the stop button and to wake up on the crystal bed surrounded by Angels and Goddesses - where I could just walk in the garden with the greenest of green grass and smell the flowers and hear my kids laughing - I know that some people will think I am crazy for having such thoughts, but I do believe that what my Mom said today is true - Heaven and Hell are here - there is no up and down - it's right here and I need to snap out of it - I know that the most powerful growth comes when you hit rock bottom - I have been at the bottom - it's also been way too long since I was home with my loved ones - it's been a year now.

I had another huge trigger this week - a cousin of mine who grew up with a stricter family than my own has freed herself from those judgements and constraints and married someone who would not be considered 'fitting' in our culture - she has a child too - I was thrilled for her. However, I spiralled out of control as I wished that I had had the same courage 10 years ago. And yes, this is me going back there again - the truth hits me like that. I am trying desperately to forgive myself for the choices I made all those years ago - purposefully so that I wouldn't have to face the wrath of my mother and tell her that I had fallen in love with someone she would not approve of. You see that was at the core of my 'crazy' at that time - what could I do to f**k this thing up - what could I do that was so bad and so destructive that I would walk away without a shred of hope left behind - cos of my fears and the limitations that had been put on me. He had tied a blue bracelet around my wrist - at the time to signify 'US' - he had said that he would get me a ring - and I had panicked - in the time it took him to go to the washroom the next morning and come back to the hostel room - I had cut it with my nail clippers and laid it out on the table so that it would be the first thing that he would see - and it was the first thing that he saw - and the next thing I saw was the crushed soul behind his eyes. He knew I wasn't going to let him in no matter what he did.

Okay now my biggest thing for the last 10 years has been getting to grips with my actions - to some how try and reach inside of myself and forgive myself for what I did. I did that! I did that! I destroyed it! And I have to let go of it cos it has been killing me slowly - I have to forgive myself. The anger has gone now - I'm not angry with him anymore - and if there was a magic pill I could take to forget him, I think I would take it - maybe - and I feel like I am in a state of madness and / or addiction - but I know it's neither cos it's my heart talking to me - and when it's really quiet and I am in a state of peace, my heart tells me to run - it tells me to run - book a ticket and stand there in front of him - and tell him that he's my home - and as long as I feel like that and don't have the courage at the very least to find out if I am wrong, how can anything else make sense?

14 hours to being a Canadian

Well here I am sitting here writing, 14 hours from a dream that I had as an 11 year old in the front room of someone's house in England.

Happy New Year to you all by the way - this posting will be short and sweet - I was just washing my face and thinking my best friend at home checks my site every day and I must make the effort to write something especially for her :) I am 30 pages from the end of my book, "The Aleph", so I'm keen to get to bed and need to rest for the big day tomorrow.

My colleagues have been so sweet - one of the girls is having a shindig round at her place - so we have our work group going and then a few of my other friends too so who knows where the night may end. She's got Canadian flags and balloons and everything and is joining me for the actualy ceremony in the morning. We all have to swear allegiance to the Queen - be there for about 2 hours and then into work for a short day - it's been such a crazy few weeks at work - it will be a shock to the system to do a full week next week - back to the 5 day work week until Easter.

I went back to see Randall last Friday - back to do some EFT and this time I had something specific in mind - the Slovenian - we needed to work on what was keeping me in that space - and keeping me so strongly connected to him - hooked - obsessed - call it what you like. I had trouble with it all at the beginning cos I know that I was resisting the whole process - he's been there in my life for so long that a huge part of me didn't want to let go - was scared to let go because of what that open space would look like. So for the first few minutes I kept going off into space somewhere. Then we got to the attachments - the cords - the anger, the dissappointment, the grief, the guilt and my thinking that I needed to suffer in tis way to learn what I needed to learn, which of course isn't true - life lessons don't have to be that hard - really.

It was funny what Randall said, maybe the two of us had an agreement - maybe the Slovenian came into my life to give me the reason and the courage to fight for my dream - is it a coincidence that of all the people I could have met on any beach in Australia, I met one who lived in Canada at the time - someone who made me see that I didn't have to be cruel to myself, 'are you a masochist?' were his excat words - to hold myself - to be more secure - I think back to that tale of the "Little Soul and The Sun" and swear that some how it all ties in - perhaps we did have an agreement before we came forth into this life - that he would come into my life and get me on track - on the right path - it's been a hard journey. It would be nice if he took something away from it too.

So there you go - no more negativity holding me in that space - nothing now but love and memories - I have to accept that they are just that, memories - no more fantasy - but I ain't gonna lie, I miss him - I miss the bones off him at the moment - I think I am just grieving - the way I should have done or could have done a decade ago but wouldn't let myself. I cry at the drop of a hat - feel empty - there's this vacuum to fill now - and this pie in the sky dream I had isn't going to come true - so now I have to find something to fill that void - but in the meantime I'm feeling a little lost. I went to my acupuncture session and burst into tears in front of the lovely lady. Oh well - what you gonna do hey? It's just a matter of time before I start venturing out again and meeting new people and having new experiences. Suka, my acupuncturist said that on some level I have chosen to be alone for all this time - and when I am ready, the right people, the right guy will turn up in my life.

So there you go - my Happy Ending :)

I will leave you with one of my all time favourites by Coldplay - listen to the words - they are truly beautiful - I hadn't heard the song in months and months and then I played in on my mp3 on the way to work on Tuesday - I was singing along the way I did before I met him - sitting on the beach in Byron Bay, up by the grass watching the waves roll in and out - happy times :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZSobH1wiiM

I Love You.