I knew the very second that she flipped that card over that I was fkd!!! She did some work trying to camouflage her emotion - telling me that I was in for a windfall - but my gut wasn't having any of it - I was in for some serious emotional turmoil - I guess you could argue that I may have attracted is cos my vibration was in that space - but whichever way you choose to look at it - the last few weeks have been utterly devastating. If you ever take the time to look at the 'Tower' card in tarot, you will of course see a tower, it's up in flames and people are flinging themselves over the walls of it - so you see them mid-flight, and then there's thunder bolts and lightening in the dark sky. You know that you're in for shaky ride - but as they say, you gotta break some eggs to make omelettes.
I had the best time during my citizenship ceremony - and the perfect party afterward - I was so spoilt, I was given a whole heap of gifts from plants to tea towels to maple syrup tea leaves to a cup with native art on it - all with the Canadian theme. I was very careful not to drink too much and sipped on this cheap bottle of champagne that my colleague at work has introduced me too. I left just before I started to feel the giddyness on the alcohol. In fact with all the excitement and happiness, I had switched off my antennae and missed something huge - my colleague and confidante at work had been spending an awful lot of his time in meetings. So Monday morning was a real f'ing shocker.
He was now supervisor - I would now have to report to this douche bag - and the only reason I say that with such comtempt is cos I could not understand why the people from 'up above' could not see what a complete rat bag this guy could be - behind his 'brown nose' and mask, he was absolutely one of the most insecure and consequently bitchy people I had ever met - when he told me the news, I froze on the spot in dis-belief and could not for the life of me even muster up a fake 'well done you' - I've never been good with that kind of stuff. So now I would be reporting to him - directly or in-directly - I am still not sure about that yet.
I was screwing - I completely understood that it had to happen as someone had to do the work - but really - to be promoted because other people left and then the one with the longest tenure just fitted into that spot is hardly a good enough reason - in my book anyways - and that's the thing you see - in my book. I was in such a whirl of judgement - it was hard for me to even look at him without spitting bullets - and you know how someone just bothers you more then? The way they walk - the way they talk - the way they eat - the way they swagger - jumped up tw@t!!!!! I wanted to take a rifle gun and blast his new found feathers into oblivion - like one of those cartoons - a chicken standing there in the nuddy :) I can laugh now that he has been out of my face for the last 6 days - but tomorrow - Heaven help me tomorrow. And I know I need to get over this - cos this is my stuff! I don't think I have ever worked harder with EFT - trying to shift all that blocked up emotion - but it seems that every time I shift it - some more turns up - and more intense and redder than you can even imagine.
So Randall has been teaching me a new technique - you imagine roses - some kind of 'Rose Therapy' - it's actually quite neat - you pick a colour and then you can surround your aura with them - anywhere from yellow to pink to black - for protection etc. So I have been practising.
On the flip side though with him being out of the office, I was there on my own as the other kid was sick - sitting duck for the two biatches who sit in that same space - bully boy tactics - I speak up for myself and they go all out to treat me badly and talk about me huddled up in the corner - so more $hit to work on - why do people bully me? What am I putting out there that makes them bully me? Then my friend Krystal hit it on the head for me, 'you give as good as you get' - he didn't know what was going on at work but it was just what I needed to hear - so in I went surrounded in armour and ready to kick the f**k out of them energetically if they tried anything. One of them didn't - but I could see the other one still had a bone to pick - and I wasn't gonna behave the 'old way' anymore - so when she rudely interrupted one of my conversations on Friday, I went for a walk and came back and thanked her for stepping in - she wasn't expecting that - she apologized with a hiss for talking over me and I just replied with a 'don't worry about it, I don't sweat the small stuff' - piaoww - and if you want another bomb to emplode in your face biatch, I got one right here!!!!! I made a point of asking her how she planned to spend her weekend when I left - squirming she was - I was half genuine and half doing it on purpose - I knew she was wriggling and hating my guts - but I did it to piss her off - childish I know - but you know what - kill them with kindness - what's the biatch gonna do? Nothing she can do when I am so fricking polite it makes her wanna puke :)
Why oh why oh why don't women take care of each other? Why don't be big each other up instead of trying to f**k each other up - and you know what? It's always the insecure ones who hate themselves - they just want to spread their poison. I did try to be a better person though and consciously imagined her as a nice girl - appreciating that she is obviously just hurting over something - as I have said before "hurt people, hurt people" - trying to imagine the light in someone when they're trying to mess you up in not easy - but I am getting better :)
On top of all of this, I have been battling some demons of my own - feeling really down of late - it just hits me sometimes - I haven't been like this since I left the UK to go travelling to Aus - over 10 years - some people call it depression - I call it the 'dark night' - well whatever label you give it, there's been moments where I have just wanted to be on some other plane in this universe - somewhere else - somewhere where I don't have to fight these battles all the time and where people can just be nice and actually give a $hit. I do realize that I set myself up for it - I have been giving something off since I was a young girl that makes people think they can treat me like crap - but damn you, that is not happening anymore. A couple of weeks ago, I just wanted to walk out into the street - just to press the stop button and to wake up on the crystal bed surrounded by Angels and Goddesses - where I could just walk in the garden with the greenest of green grass and smell the flowers and hear my kids laughing - I know that some people will think I am crazy for having such thoughts, but I do believe that what my Mom said today is true - Heaven and Hell are here - there is no up and down - it's right here and I need to snap out of it - I know that the most powerful growth comes when you hit rock bottom - I have been at the bottom - it's also been way too long since I was home with my loved ones - it's been a year now.
I had another huge trigger this week - a cousin of mine who grew up with a stricter family than my own has freed herself from those judgements and constraints and married someone who would not be considered 'fitting' in our culture - she has a child too - I was thrilled for her. However, I spiralled out of control as I wished that I had had the same courage 10 years ago. And yes, this is me going back there again - the truth hits me like that. I am trying desperately to forgive myself for the choices I made all those years ago - purposefully so that I wouldn't have to face the wrath of my mother and tell her that I had fallen in love with someone she would not approve of. You see that was at the core of my 'crazy' at that time - what could I do to f**k this thing up - what could I do that was so bad and so destructive that I would walk away without a shred of hope left behind - cos of my fears and the limitations that had been put on me. He had tied a blue bracelet around my wrist - at the time to signify 'US' - he had said that he would get me a ring - and I had panicked - in the time it took him to go to the washroom the next morning and come back to the hostel room - I had cut it with my nail clippers and laid it out on the table so that it would be the first thing that he would see - and it was the first thing that he saw - and the next thing I saw was the crushed soul behind his eyes. He knew I wasn't going to let him in no matter what he did.
Okay now my biggest thing for the last 10 years has been getting to grips with my actions - to some how try and reach inside of myself and forgive myself for what I did. I did that! I did that! I destroyed it! And I have to let go of it cos it has been killing me slowly - I have to forgive myself. The anger has gone now - I'm not angry with him anymore - and if there was a magic pill I could take to forget him, I think I would take it - maybe - and I feel like I am in a state of madness and / or addiction - but I know it's neither cos it's my heart talking to me - and when it's really quiet and I am in a state of peace, my heart tells me to run - it tells me to run - book a ticket and stand there in front of him - and tell him that he's my home - and as long as I feel like that and don't have the courage at the very least to find out if I am wrong, how can anything else make sense?
I had the best time during my citizenship ceremony - and the perfect party afterward - I was so spoilt, I was given a whole heap of gifts from plants to tea towels to maple syrup tea leaves to a cup with native art on it - all with the Canadian theme. I was very careful not to drink too much and sipped on this cheap bottle of champagne that my colleague at work has introduced me too. I left just before I started to feel the giddyness on the alcohol. In fact with all the excitement and happiness, I had switched off my antennae and missed something huge - my colleague and confidante at work had been spending an awful lot of his time in meetings. So Monday morning was a real f'ing shocker.
He was now supervisor - I would now have to report to this douche bag - and the only reason I say that with such comtempt is cos I could not understand why the people from 'up above' could not see what a complete rat bag this guy could be - behind his 'brown nose' and mask, he was absolutely one of the most insecure and consequently bitchy people I had ever met - when he told me the news, I froze on the spot in dis-belief and could not for the life of me even muster up a fake 'well done you' - I've never been good with that kind of stuff. So now I would be reporting to him - directly or in-directly - I am still not sure about that yet.
I was screwing - I completely understood that it had to happen as someone had to do the work - but really - to be promoted because other people left and then the one with the longest tenure just fitted into that spot is hardly a good enough reason - in my book anyways - and that's the thing you see - in my book. I was in such a whirl of judgement - it was hard for me to even look at him without spitting bullets - and you know how someone just bothers you more then? The way they walk - the way they talk - the way they eat - the way they swagger - jumped up tw@t!!!!! I wanted to take a rifle gun and blast his new found feathers into oblivion - like one of those cartoons - a chicken standing there in the nuddy :) I can laugh now that he has been out of my face for the last 6 days - but tomorrow - Heaven help me tomorrow. And I know I need to get over this - cos this is my stuff! I don't think I have ever worked harder with EFT - trying to shift all that blocked up emotion - but it seems that every time I shift it - some more turns up - and more intense and redder than you can even imagine.
So Randall has been teaching me a new technique - you imagine roses - some kind of 'Rose Therapy' - it's actually quite neat - you pick a colour and then you can surround your aura with them - anywhere from yellow to pink to black - for protection etc. So I have been practising.
On the flip side though with him being out of the office, I was there on my own as the other kid was sick - sitting duck for the two biatches who sit in that same space - bully boy tactics - I speak up for myself and they go all out to treat me badly and talk about me huddled up in the corner - so more $hit to work on - why do people bully me? What am I putting out there that makes them bully me? Then my friend Krystal hit it on the head for me, 'you give as good as you get' - he didn't know what was going on at work but it was just what I needed to hear - so in I went surrounded in armour and ready to kick the f**k out of them energetically if they tried anything. One of them didn't - but I could see the other one still had a bone to pick - and I wasn't gonna behave the 'old way' anymore - so when she rudely interrupted one of my conversations on Friday, I went for a walk and came back and thanked her for stepping in - she wasn't expecting that - she apologized with a hiss for talking over me and I just replied with a 'don't worry about it, I don't sweat the small stuff' - piaoww - and if you want another bomb to emplode in your face biatch, I got one right here!!!!! I made a point of asking her how she planned to spend her weekend when I left - squirming she was - I was half genuine and half doing it on purpose - I knew she was wriggling and hating my guts - but I did it to piss her off - childish I know - but you know what - kill them with kindness - what's the biatch gonna do? Nothing she can do when I am so fricking polite it makes her wanna puke :)
Why oh why oh why don't women take care of each other? Why don't be big each other up instead of trying to f**k each other up - and you know what? It's always the insecure ones who hate themselves - they just want to spread their poison. I did try to be a better person though and consciously imagined her as a nice girl - appreciating that she is obviously just hurting over something - as I have said before "hurt people, hurt people" - trying to imagine the light in someone when they're trying to mess you up in not easy - but I am getting better :)
On top of all of this, I have been battling some demons of my own - feeling really down of late - it just hits me sometimes - I haven't been like this since I left the UK to go travelling to Aus - over 10 years - some people call it depression - I call it the 'dark night' - well whatever label you give it, there's been moments where I have just wanted to be on some other plane in this universe - somewhere else - somewhere where I don't have to fight these battles all the time and where people can just be nice and actually give a $hit. I do realize that I set myself up for it - I have been giving something off since I was a young girl that makes people think they can treat me like crap - but damn you, that is not happening anymore. A couple of weeks ago, I just wanted to walk out into the street - just to press the stop button and to wake up on the crystal bed surrounded by Angels and Goddesses - where I could just walk in the garden with the greenest of green grass and smell the flowers and hear my kids laughing - I know that some people will think I am crazy for having such thoughts, but I do believe that what my Mom said today is true - Heaven and Hell are here - there is no up and down - it's right here and I need to snap out of it - I know that the most powerful growth comes when you hit rock bottom - I have been at the bottom - it's also been way too long since I was home with my loved ones - it's been a year now.
I had another huge trigger this week - a cousin of mine who grew up with a stricter family than my own has freed herself from those judgements and constraints and married someone who would not be considered 'fitting' in our culture - she has a child too - I was thrilled for her. However, I spiralled out of control as I wished that I had had the same courage 10 years ago. And yes, this is me going back there again - the truth hits me like that. I am trying desperately to forgive myself for the choices I made all those years ago - purposefully so that I wouldn't have to face the wrath of my mother and tell her that I had fallen in love with someone she would not approve of. You see that was at the core of my 'crazy' at that time - what could I do to f**k this thing up - what could I do that was so bad and so destructive that I would walk away without a shred of hope left behind - cos of my fears and the limitations that had been put on me. He had tied a blue bracelet around my wrist - at the time to signify 'US' - he had said that he would get me a ring - and I had panicked - in the time it took him to go to the washroom the next morning and come back to the hostel room - I had cut it with my nail clippers and laid it out on the table so that it would be the first thing that he would see - and it was the first thing that he saw - and the next thing I saw was the crushed soul behind his eyes. He knew I wasn't going to let him in no matter what he did.
Okay now my biggest thing for the last 10 years has been getting to grips with my actions - to some how try and reach inside of myself and forgive myself for what I did. I did that! I did that! I destroyed it! And I have to let go of it cos it has been killing me slowly - I have to forgive myself. The anger has gone now - I'm not angry with him anymore - and if there was a magic pill I could take to forget him, I think I would take it - maybe - and I feel like I am in a state of madness and / or addiction - but I know it's neither cos it's my heart talking to me - and when it's really quiet and I am in a state of peace, my heart tells me to run - it tells me to run - book a ticket and stand there in front of him - and tell him that he's my home - and as long as I feel like that and don't have the courage at the very least to find out if I am wrong, how can anything else make sense?
