So here we are, Sunday afternoon in Vancouver and I can hear the rain and the cars travelling up and down the street. I have just read some of the news on Whitney Houston - how sad - I remember when she 'came out' when we were just teenagers - 'How Will I Know' and 'I Want To Dance With Somebody' - I loved those songs - still do! What a terrible shame. And the Grammy's are on TV - don't know half of the artists to be honest - and boy do some of those girls need to cover up.
So what's been going on with me? I've had a tumultous time letting go of all that stuff at work - so much so that I ended up taking a day off work on Thursday - I was completely drained and knew that I was in a really fragile space - if I didn't do something to heal this thing and quick I would no doubt have sabotaged everything again. Said or done something that would have ended up in devastation.
I woke up puffy eyed on Thursday - with stomach cramps from something I'd eaten - I had spent an hour on the phone with my friend who has cancer - and it's fair to say that perspective was the order of that conversation. I had had a drink with another friend straight after work and was starting to think that all the 'crazy' was me - after all why had I been in this situation so many times before - why was this person at work turning up in my life over and over again? - I was the common denominator - so it had to be about me - I was creating this movie - this story. I was chatting to my friend about prospects in my current role and also about getting into life coaching again. Fact is, the courses are pretty much all full-time unless you do something online and then they're never quite the same - I mean you don't get to meet anyone then do you? So we drank and I twittered on about 'you know who' - my apparent nemesis at work and I was really working to a solution. I was actually getting to the point where I was completely and utterly sick of thinking about him and work and it!!!! So I came home and my other friend had sent me an email - he was in a lot of pain - and I called him as soon as I read it - God love him, I bawled for an hour - non-stop - blubbering - took his mind of his own stuff for a while though no doubt and I did check in to make sure that I was okay rambling on. Amazing how much stuff comes up when you've had a drink - or two :)
I was beginning to think that it was time that I went home to the UK - time to be with my family again - although I knew in my heart of hearts that that wasn't the answer either - it would be nice for a few weeks - perhaps after a holiday abroad and then the thought of being on public transport day in day out on the way to and from work in the UK makes my stomach churn - just the madness of the place really. Especially so after being here for so long.
So I woke up that morning thinking that another reading with Ming was in order - but I could hear my BFF's words in my ears - that wasn't the answer and I couldn't get an appointment either. And then I thought about Matthew - the sound healer - the guy that does the body work and reiki and no word of a lie, the minute I asked out loud if I should call him, up pops an email from him about one of his sessions at the local yoga studio - so of course I saw that as a sign and emailed him straight away and got a booking for 3.30pm - 3 hours of waiting time - I was neither here nor there - but managed to pass the time.
So I drove there after eating my tuna sandwich - I may have said this before but the basement to that house has a really low ceiling so you feel like you are an extra in the 'Lord of the Rings'. And there he was Matthew looking at me with his kind eyes - it amazes me just how much love and understanding just oozes out of him - without a single drop of judgement - and I rattled off the whole tale of the dude at work and how it was all affecting me and throwing me off balance - and no doubt I was owning my stuff too - I told him 'I can behave like a 6 year old sometimes, and this 'person' and what he represents turns up at my workplace all the time' - and then he was just quiet for a few seconds, felt like a really long time - so I asked him what he was thinking and he said ' I am excited for what you have set up for yourself - the lesson and healing that you take away from this will open up a huge door for you - and it is a huge opportunity to heal - and you wouldn't attract anything more than you could handle at any one time' - he had of course hit the nail right on the head.
So for the next 90 minutes or so, he worked to massage my body - get the energy flowing again - worked with me to send healing energy to my liver and spleen - the two organs that take a bashing when you're going through a lot of emotional stuff and then he blew through a huge shell that he had and shifted all the 'crap' and debris that was coming up and out of me. It's amazing how light you feel and how much energy you have after one of his sessions. Oh and then the other thing he told me was that I was to lay off the caffeine for a while - I was like 'oh $hit' - that's the only crutch I have - but truthfully I had had the same thought - I was noticing that every morning after my green tea, I was really strung out and twitchy and it was really throwing my emotions about all over the place - so much so that I felt like I was one of those hamster wheels for the whole day - it's amazing how much better I feel just after 3 days of just a little caffeine - I have just a baby cup of matcha tea in the morning and it doesn't make my heart race or my body heat up. So I'm sold - I think it was the caffeine overload that was making my brain just obsess over the 'stuff' and problems and I just wasn't able to get out of the loop. So something you may like to try out if you're feeling wiggy.
Also a huge thing that came up for me was the fact that I had been focusing on the negative stuff about my colleague and not seeing that his behavior was down to his own wounding - and once you get to a place of compassion and love - and remove yourself from his path and see yourself instead on your own - it's easy to break free from the 'crazy'. So I went in the next morning and thanked him for his words of praise a few days earlier and explained that I suck at giving compliments cos it just hasn't been my first and foremost mode of thinking - I'm not complaining about this right now, but I do recall that as kids, we were rarely and barely ever told that we had done something good - it was always the other way around, it was always a focus on what we had done wrong - and then as kids we felt bad and then trying to get back into our parent's good books again - so it was just this constant stress all the time - and as I have said before, if my parents had known better then, they would have done better. They're both pretty awesome now to be fair, Mom especially when it comes to telling me how proud she is of me - but you know how it is, parents have this way of just chopping you at your core cos they know with exact precision where your wounds are. So long story short, I just figure it was time for me to give this guy at work a break - to let the 6 year old in me go play and support me instead of acting out and being 'naughty'. He was thrilled when I commended him and Friday was a lovely day - it was nice to know that we had both gotten over a hurdle and reached a compromise. And I felt proud of myself too.
So there you have it - the big change since I last wrote. Apart from that nothing exciting has happened really - I've been out a couple of times but nothing too fancy - and no hangovers - and no men :) I'll be glad when Spring is here in just a few weeks time. I've started watching the new 'Spartacus' series, it's just as fabulous as the first two - although Andy Whitfield is still the hottest! :) I watched that movie 'Shame' with Michael Fassbender and he is my new celebrity crush - smoking!!!! Oh and I saw that move ' The Descendants' with George Clooney - thought it was pretty crap actually - don't know what all the hype is about - oh and I am reading 'The Help' - amazing book - the movie has already won a whole heap of awards.
Okay well Happy Monday to you all - and just as my tale proves, don't doubt your ability to affect just one person by a simple action - and even if it's something that feels awkward, compassion really is love manifested :) Say something nice to someone - a smile in the corridor or at the photocopy machine!
This tune gives me goose bumps! :)
This tune gives me goose bumps! :)
