You gotta be in it to win it!

So we didn't get to the purchase of the wicker table from Bangladesh did we?

Well so this is how that story began. One of my gifts for my birthday was a gorgeous necklace from a local fair trade store - in fact there are a few of them across North America - you go in the store and it's like being in Aladdin's cave - all these beautiful trinkets, a treasure trove really - necklaces, ear-rings in silver and gold and all the colours of the rainbow - coffee beans from various places, furniture, vases made from brass, vases made from glass - patterned vases and plain vases - just about anything cute and dinky that you can think of - in all shapes, sizes and colours.

Anyway, the necklace that she had bought me although gorgeous in the box just kinda got lost on my skin - I tend to wear more obvious pieces - in a whole array of colours - not all at one time of course. But I kinda knew when I looked at it that it wouldn't look right and she had kindly given me a gift receipt. So I went to the store that she had bought it from - hungover I must add - not hugely but still a little hungover. Which is sort of nice sometimes cos it means that I just go with the flow and stay away from the neurotic me :)

I had parked my car just around the corner - and in I went - I had already called the store so that they knew to expect me - and when I knew how much I had to spend, off I went to the jewelry aisle and started to browse - but of all the hundreds of dingly dangly things I could see, not one caught my eye. So I mooched around some more - when an absolutely gorgeous thing caught my eye - he was standing about 6 feet tall just behind the counter - with hair blowing in the breeze like in a Timotei ad' - I was so caught off guard that I lost my breath for a second - olive skin and pearly white teeth - obviously not from around these parts! :) Strapping figure of a man!!! :)

So in my 'caught off guardness' I carried on browsing and of course now wishing I hadn't just thrown on my skanky yoga bottoms cos now he would think I was one of 'those' chicks - and wishing I had fixed my hair - but thank goodness for the new lippie and the lovely new scarf I had on - nice deep pink colour :) I went over to the wicker table thingie-ma-jig that I had seen walking in and started to look a little closer. At $70 it was a bit more than I had intended to spend but I knew that it would look awesome in my place and work as a great place to store my blankets - so that was it - mind was made up. So I hauled it over to the counter and paid the difference - than Timotei guy opened his mouth and out came this beautiful South American accent and he asked if I needed help to my car - "of course I did" my brain shouted at me!!!! :) And he picked it up as if picking up a coke bottle and then I was able to register him in my mind - had a lovely spirit he did - all gentle and sweet - but deep and spiritual and of course this all made me very giddy.

Walking back to the car there was a little small talk - but for the life of me beyond a few comments on the weather, I couldn't think of single thing to say to him - I had lost my power of speech :) We walked the three or four minutes it took to get to the car - me a little brain dead - booze related I think and then I opened the door - in went my new wicker table - I said 'bye' and 'thanks' or was it the other way around and off he went. My Timotei man!!!!! :(

Then I did something that all un-hinged crazy chicks do - I cyber stalked him!!!!!! Found him on FB and drooled some more and tried to pluck up the courage to call him and ask him for a coffee.

I didn't - I was a complete coward - I was terrified of the rejection.

So a week went by - and then this weekend I looked down at my lovely new wicker table and thought "F*CK - there's a whopping great hole in the side of it" - and there really was a great big hole - in fact the size of a 50 pence piece - but as I touched the strand of wicker - it just bl**dy well fell away - and the hole just got bigger and bigger everytime I went near it.

I phoned my friend at home in the UK cos I had to thank her for her box full of birthday gifts - we'll get to that another time - and she knows exactly what I am like - a little OCD - and she asked me "is it going to bother you?" - "Of course it's going to bother me" was my reply - and so she said 'Well take it back then" - and then I told her about the cyber stalking and the guy - and of course as we girls always do - she said "maybe it's a sign" - A sign - a sign for me to get back into therapy - YES!!!!!!

So knowing that I couldn't keep this thing with a hole in it - I called the store and made arrangements with Mr Timotei to take it back - being well brave I was!!!! :) Heart pounding and he said he'd be back at 2pm so I could call in after that. So off I went - in my cutesy summer dress this time! :) And when I got to the store it was like a kia-ora ad' - with a band playing drums and pipes being played out at full volume and no-one in the front of the store but me with my wicker table and a group all standing round in a semi-circle, all staring at me as I entered. Caught off guard again, I totally clammed up - fell to pieces - grabbed the new wicker table - asked him if he needed to look at the receipt - which he did not - and then practically legged it out of the store!

All the way home I kicked myself - I should have asked him for his number or for a coffee or just something, anything to add to the conversation when he asked me how my day was going. But I didn't.

I got home with my new bl**dy wicker table which near took the glass out of the door downstairs with its' big heavy metal frame and just stared at it - f*cking thing!!!!! I now hated my new wicker table.

Then....................I took a deep breath in - picked up the phone - rang the number - asked to speak to Mr Timotei and when he picked up the phone, I said............................"Can I ask you something?", "Pardon me", "Can I ask you something?", "Yes, of course", "Are you single?", "Sorry I didn't catch you", "Are you single?", "No"....................."Okay then not to worry - bye then", he laughed a little, I did too and then he finished with a "bye" too. And that was the day that I finally after all this time, after a decade of being totally terrifed of love, threw caution to the wind, opened my heart to the max and put myself out there again - and you know what, IT FELT BL**DY BRILLIANT. So completely and utterly empowering. I had the courage to take that leap - it hadn't been around for a very long time.

Thank God for wicker tables and to whomever that was in Bangladesh who didn't secure the wicker weave!! :)

Two and a bit weeks......................

Just finished watching 'The Tourist' - bit meh if you ask me, few funny moments with Johnny Depp - but what was going on with his hair? It looked bl**dy awful!!!!! The scenery was very close to that that I saw in an old Katherine Hepburn movie - lovely film called 'Summertime'.

So it's been a while hey since I last had chance to write - the last 3 weeks have been nothing short of a mix of happiness and a complete and utter nightmare - new job as you know, trip to Calgary which included my little speech at the table which did not end with me in favor with a certain group of people; back to Vancouver and a birthday that just flew by with me not having a moment in 'presence' the whole day and then moving onto a commute to my new office for the next 2 months - which of course I hate. I have literally had mornings where I have burst out crying, from sheer lack of sleep and being back in this matrix - a life that appears to belong to something outside of myself and dashing from one place to the next. It's been awful.

By the time I got on the massage table yesterday I was just full of knots and felt like a statue - stiff and motionless. I have been having emotional outbursts because I simply have not been able to cope. So the session yesterday was much needed - although today I do feel like I have been kneaded like a blob of bread dough. I am doing all I can to save myself from that 'Sunday dread' - we all know the one - as we do the countdown to bedtime and life being taken over again. This has to change - first it was the angst to find a job - not it's the search to find one that actually makes me happy - and it would be unfair to say that I don't enjoy my work - it's just not enough! Too much has happened in my life, I have reached a time where it simply is not enough to just earn a living. I know that I tried really hard this time to make sure that the new position resonated - I had my doubts going in - but from the drama and lack of professionalism just 3 weeks into this thing, I know that the decision may not have been the best.

But then - I'm not sure, because I have learnt a lot about myself the last few weeks - things that I did already know but when compounded into a 3 week window, certain events have left me a bumbling wreck. But today I woke up with a smile on my face - and thanks to my session yesterday I am ready to take on the world and all the joys in it. It's surprising how when we need it the most, we don't find the time to exercise or meditate or just to simply relax - I for one haven't given myself the 15 minutes a day that would have helped me deal with things so much better.

So let me do my best to recall events of the last 2 weeks.

We went to Calgary and I had to be up at 4.30am just to get ready for the frigging flight - I was pissed beyond belief - so we got to the airport 2 hours before the internal flight - by internal I mean in the same country - and would you believe it, no line-up's, no queues and absolutely no need to have gotten up at 'crazy o'clock' - I knew that too but they all just kept going on and on - like I really want to spend more time with them than I need to.

We checked in and made our way to breakfast - I made sure that I wasn't sitting next to VPL but could not get away from her partner in crime - I feel that I should call them both minger and munter - so moving forward let's just call them m&m - so I ordered my breakfast how I like it - didn't realize that it would be such a source of amusement for m&m who proceeded to make fun of me, roll their eyes about their heads and exchange smirks. I felt it right in my chest and stomach - a giddiess and I was in that 'fight flight' mode that is not new to me - I felt like an 8 year again at school, kids making fun of me, like the odd one out, being bullied and I just wanted to go and get my suitcase and just go home - the tears were welling up inside my body but there was literally nowhere I could run to. So I just thought 'f*ck it, I'm gonna say something' and I did - I asked them what amused them so much - and I got that they found the way I ordered food funny!!!!!!! The way I ordered food funny?!? Really? These were mean girls, nasty mean bullies who were making fun out of me because they have evidently hit every single branch falling down off the ugly tree - so now the only way they could find to empower themselves was by putting me down.

I was furious and upset and devastated all at the same time. The key thing I had said to my boss before starting this job was that environment was really important to me as I had experienced this kind of thing before - and here I am again!!!!! Pissed to the max!!!!

I honestly think that certain people feel threatened by the fact that I know what I want - even the simple case of how I wanted my eggs done - the awareness is threatening because they don't want to take the time out to get to know who they are - like the 'Runaway Bride' - just exactly how do you like your eggs? That film was a huge jolt for me because I was that girl, always morphing into what other people wanted me to be and never knowing who I was. I've spent a decade working on that piece and more recently on my boundaries and these b%tches were not going to get one over me this time. They didn't need to know how much my stomach churned inside when I saw them and how I cried because I couldn't understand why they were attacking me.

It was like this the whole trip - walking up a corridor when they were coming the other way we didn't exchange a word and when we had actually gotten to the airport, I had to share a cab with them - sod's law - I didn't speak the whole time. Nasty pieces of work. So we all had to listen to VPL going on and on and on and on the whole 2 days of the program - bored me sh&tless she did - she just sucks the energy out of a room. By 4pm the second day, afetr listening to her bullsh&t about teamwork and working together and blah blah blah, I felt it in my core, it was churning and I was getting nervous and before you knew, I opened my mouth in front of a round table of 20 people and vocalized how un-welcoming my first few days at the office had been - I simply could not stop talking - now I had started!!!! I was a little mortified but it was like an out of body experience. Of course when I directed that unpleasant welcome at the whole team, I did actually just mean m&m. And of course it started a riot and the whole room went quiet after she had retaliated and thrown a couple of people under the bus.

So there I was, not even 2 weeks in, probably having gotten a huge black mark on my HR file - and truthfully, I don't give a sh&t!!!! So I was the odd one out again - meh!!!!! :) I got some support from a couple of people in the camp, the Calgary team of course by now thought that Vancouverites were just a bunch of cold, heartless w*nkers and will probably never take us up on the offer to come here.

This last week was not much better in terms of the move to another office. We now have to fight with the 7.30am traffic in the mornings to get to a pit of a suburb - in the middle of an industrialized area, with huge huge trucks speeding past you and hundreds and hundreds of crow feathers on the grass verges. I kid you not, I have never seen anything like it before. I thought there had been a massacre, perhaps a lawnmower had ploughed down a whole group of them. But no, apparently this is quite normal. Oddly enough every single night, you can see the migration of hundreds of crows - they fly passed my window to go there to sleep. I wonder why they all go there? Bizarre!

So onto my birthday - I had an awesome day to be fair - it just came and went far too quickly. I don't feel like my feet touched the ground. I almost wish in hindsight that I had taken the day off before the big day just to get back in my body again - get pampered and get my massage then - we all know what they say about hindsight :) I woke up and opened the only 2 cards that managed to get here due to the postal strike but no complaints, at least I got them and they were from my Mom and Dad - so very important to me. I phoned my Brother and spoke to my lovely friends at home and then listened to a tonne of tracks on youtube whilst reading the messages on facebook - it was really nice :))

My friend and I ended up taking a walk Downtown and having lunch together and before we knew it, it was 4pm and time to get home to get ready. I was going to wear my most sparkly dress ever - unbeknown to me the washing of that dress had caused it to go so soft that it literally started to hang downwards with the weight of all the sequins and I was in and out of the washroom most of the evening to hoist the straps up with safety pins so that I wouldn't be showing too much cleavage. I was mortified - for me a huge wardrobe malfunction - I'm so gutted - that was my favourite dress in the world, but as I keep telling myself, it's just time to buy a new one :)

We got to the restaurant and slowly but surely the 10 space table started to fill out - one by one my friends arrived. I got cards and pressies and it was all so lovely :) The weather was awesome - beautiful sunset and really nice food - one of my friends bought me one of those whipped cream shots which I had to down without touching the glass - which I managed of course ;) And by about 11.30pm and after a lot of photos and laughs, the night wrapped up quite nicely. BUT - of course I had to have a paddy, we were supposed to go dancing and noone wanted to go - of course I didn't insist so I can't be too upset but by the time almost everyone had gone home, I just burst out crying and could not stop. My friends even bundled me into their car to bring me home to change to take me somewhere else and I still couldn't stop - missing home I was - missing my family and best friends at home to be honest! I was gutted that they hadn't been there to share my big day. It just wasn't the same! But I have to say that the couple at  the end of the night took really good care of me, and I am eternally grateful. We went on to have more drinks, laughed and even did a rendition of 'Get into the Groove' by Madonna :)

Next day I joined them again - we went to an awesome restaurant - right on the beach and ate oysters - 'appy hour' they call it and basically you can get oysters for a dollar each so we stuffed out on them. My girl friend was at boot camp so we met up with her after for another drink and met her smoking hot instructor - very very yummy - but trouble with a capital 'T" :) Enjoys sex apparently - and red wine - and burgers - as hot as he was, I knew in seconds it could only lead to trouble for me so I did my best to ignore him every time he attempted to engage me in conversation - or was I just playing hard to get?!??? :)

Anyways - been lovely chatting - gotta eat and recall the next installment. I'm going to find another movie to watch and just relax - 5.30pm already. In fact, I'm gonna watch my fave - Eastenders :) Ciao

Short..........but sweet

So I gotta be quick cos it's 8.50pm and I have been up since 5pm - eyes are heavy - another scorcher of a day - heaven sent.

Had to fill you all in on our morning meeting today - OMG - VPL got such a bollocking!!!!! We all had to discuss what was happening for the week, targets and things that we are planning to work on etc. Then we got onto the subject of the move which is taking place as of Wednesday - then we are in the other space until the end of August - so VPL girl decides that she's going to have a jab about the fact that she doesn't have enough boxes to pack up her stuff - two years of stuff may I add :) Well that was it, I've never seen anything like it before - the office manager just let rip - there were 'f' bombs flying around and fingers wagging and this is in front of everyone - OMG - I had to turn away I was so mortified for her.

VPL never said a single word throughout the tirade of................in fact I don't even know what to call it!! That must have been so humiliating.

It was like watching an episode of Eastenders - I kid you not - voices raised and the rest of the group didn't know where to put their faces - needless to say VPL was as quiet as a mouse for the rest of the day. I was in shock - I have never seen anything like it in the workplace before - people being so straight up with their feelings - kinda refreshing to be fair - better out than in.

It was a hard day on the phones too - when you're calling for business in a market like this, which is also saturated with competitors; it's really hard to differentiate yourself when you're talking to someone new. So I took a few slugs throughout the course of the day - popped into the washroom to have a word with myself  - 'all my actions lead to prosperity and abundance' - that was my mantra.

Super great news is that following the two days out of town, we will more than likely have a short day on Friday - so I am stoked :) So asides from that, I got in touch with an old flame today - we hadn't spoken for a couple of years now - was nice to catch up - super nice guy - I just don't think I was ready for 'nice' at the time. Well I extended an invite for drinks to my Birthday bash on Saturday - the more the merrier :) And a bit of eye candy never hurt anyone :) And old flame is probably taking it a bit far - we went out for drinks one evening and when he went to kiss me, I turned my head so fast that I think the poor guy ended up kissing my ear - awwwwww!!!!!!!!

Had a super nice chat just now too with an ex-colleague of mine - now a good friend - we don't talk that often but when we do, there's always so much to say. Well anyways, she was able to shine some new light on the way that I have been thinking about breaking away from routine - 'look at new things with the eyes of curiosity' was what she said, or something like it - because we never know what is around the corner.

I will leave you with that for now - I really do have to go to bed - exhausted and my eyes are hurting.

Nite :)

Sunday Night

I'm there, that horrible Sunday night feeling - like my life is slowly drawing to a close and will belong to someone else for the next 5 days - what a horrid prospect. I know it's all a state of mind - but my, how things change just in a matter of one week. It's bloody gorgeous outside as well - been a scorcher of a weekend and I can hear the birds chirping as they get ready for bed :) And the sky is as blue as could be. I'm just trying to inhale it all in - thought I'd better write a few words - was just getting ready to do my meditation - figure that will help loosen the muscles in my neck and shoulders - ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been a lovely weekend too with that extra day off - I watched Bridesmaids on Thursday night - funny film - not as funny as I had expected and I do think that Hangover is funnier - in my opinion of course. Friday just sort of came and went - felt like I had just woken up from a nightmare - a nightmare at work!! :) So back to the kink - well that would have to be the bad apple at work - there's always one isn't there wherever you go?? - the one with the hissy tongue and who is passive aggressive - tries to slam you down with her little digs - I swear she's just bitter - don't mean to be cruel but she has VPL - visible panty line - not very appealing - and yes funny how I should even have noticed that but let's just say that she has a huge derriere - but lacking the charm of Marilyn Monroe or that chick from Mad Men - you know, the red head.

But but but - there's a gift right cos every time she says something 'not so nice' or cutting, I have the choice to react or to understand and know deep in my soul that 'we are all one'. If I'm just as cruel back then that just plays into the drama right? But at the same time, I am not going to stand for any nonsense - compassion or no compassion - she's gonna get it!!!! :) Even my colleagues in the office have tipped me off about her - said she'd 'throw me under the bus as soon as look at me' - nice girl then hey? And yes the remark about the VPL is not nice - but I am just painting a picture for comedic effect :)

So yeh, we're gonna be out of town this week for an overnight stay which means a trip on a plane - BORRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG - I'd be a lot happier if we were staying at the Bellagio in Vegas for a company trip but not so glamorous :( So I've already started being a brat and started my boohooing as I think of the stuff that I will have to pack - cosmetics and toiletries alone will cover 10 kilograms of the weight allowance!!! Humpfffff!!!!!!

So yesterday my friend and I went around Downtown during the day and shared a bottle of vino - and of course the hottest day of the year so far and where do we sit? In the shade of course - no talent in sight and all cos she wouldn't come and sit with me down by the pool which I just know would have been more fun. She wanted to chase boys - well guess where the boys were?? - at the pool and on the beach - go figure!!!! Humpffff!!!!!!

Okay me Lovely's I'm gonna head to bed - lay down and do my Angel meditation - I just wanted to check in and will get back to you on Monday or Tuesday, before my trip and of course it's now only a few more days to my birthday!!!!!!! WOOOO - so excited :))

Oh and as a tribute to Wimbledon I had to put up the photo of two of the most scrumptious men on the planet!!! Heeheehee :) Night Y'All.

The beginning of a new chapter

So here we are, July 1st - a new month and a new moon - there promises to be a lot of change in store and good change at that.

It was Tuesday night that I came home and literally bawled my eyes out to my friend who called me while I was sudsy soap deep, washing dishes - thinking about how my life had turned to sh&t in just 48 hours. We had had 'after work' drinks so I had indulged in a glass of white wine - a very large glass of white wine. Walking in the door it hit me that in order to get up at 5am in the morning to get ready for work again, I would have to be in bed in just one hour. My life had literally been taken over and was now consumed with thoughts about work - and just about work!! I had gone from it being all about me and my life to it being all about work - from the going to sleep at 9pm; to the mad dash to get out of the door in the morning; to the walk to work and will I get there on time; to the sitting at my desk at work and doing my absolute best to do and say the right thing.

I think I shocked my friend with my tears but she was so sweet to me and really encouraged me - a very timely call. Something my Brother had said to me at the weekend triggered the tears too in addition to the conversation at the drink session with my new colleague - he had been in Australia at the exact time I was and guess what - his favourite place there, and the place that he spent the most time was Byron Bay - it was like a sick joke. I know that on some level I am attracting this - one friend calls it an 'obsession' - whatever it is, my hang up over this time in my life has to pass right? I have to get over the Slovenian - wish there was a pill I could take :)

Anyways - I woke on the next day feeling a little better - more refreshed and the day was a lot less 'consumed'. I just have to honour my reluctance to change and my fondness of routine. I headed straight to my new desk on Monday and immediately began to make the space my own until I was shocked within minutes by news that the whole of the office is undergoing reno's so we are working from an office out of the Downtown core and will be jammed like sardines in a small space until the end of August - I was not happy at all!!! :( It was a complete shock to me and I don't think anyone is thrilled at the prospect of that commute - and all over summer too when all anyone wants to do is be by the beach and close to the patios at the bars.

But I have to say that my Fairy Cards have been showing up with the 'New Location' card for weeks now and that means a change of work location too - so it will lead to good things. You just never know :) Oddly and fortunately one of my colleagues shares the same apartment building as me, so at least we both have some company commuting there and back.

A client call that I made two days ago had a very sad ending to it - I had assisted this particular client with his hiring needs since 2005 and had not called him for almost 18 months now - sadly he passed away last summer. Without self-indulging, it truly made me realize how precious life really is - akin to my watching '127 Hours' - we never know what is around the corner - so I for one was reminded to make the best of it - to limit the regrets.

So in a nutshell - I am happy in my new role at work - the team there on the whole have welcomed me with open arms and I have fit right in. I am sure that if my boss could have rolled the red carpet out for me, he would have done - which was very overwhelming for me as it was such a new concept for me - to be treated with such respect and courtesy. There has been one small kink in the chain so far and I can talk about that in my next post as I am pretty tired now.

Goodnight :)