My Road Less Travelled

It's Christmas Eve - already - my how time flies - sitting here reading my book after watching a film that really got me thinking - 'Let's talk about Kevin' - be prepared for some really deep thoughts if you take that one on.

I bought 'Aleph' on the way home yesterday - the newest book by Paulo Coelho - I absolutely love every single book that he has written - and it never fails to amaze me that there is a message in each one of them for me - there is for every reader - but this one, well it just confirms that I am listening to my guidance - I am feeling a little dumb struck.

"And because I carried all that guilt around inside me, because victims always end up considering themselves to be the culprits, I decided to keep punishing myself. So in my relationships with men, I've always sought suffering, conflict and despair", Paulo Coelo - Aleph.

I walked out of the RMT's room last week - from the guy that does the deep tissue massage and he said to me 'You don't have to be drawn to pain anymore' - it was like a light bulb moment - we all have our guidance, knowing, inner knowing, teachings, things we've read or heard - and then someone somewhere says something so simple and so profound that it hits you right between the chest - and your heart explodes as confetti, stars and love hearts fill the air and tears fall like droplets from your eyes - cos you realize that your life really doesn't have to suck anymore - it really doesn't.

I had gone in there for my 4th session so far - I was like a grenade with the pin off - ready to explode - so much anger in me - I had been left devastated the night before - after having sent texts and after making phone calls to the people that mean something here to me, my circle of friends - I was left stranded on Friday night - my annual Christmas get together - the event that I organize. One by one, beginning on Thursday these 'friends' were falling off - excuse upon excuse - and I was so deeply wounded by the first 'excuse' email and triggered - once again I was that girl standing alone in the playground - without any friends - by Friday morning another text and then another and then another - another on the taxi ride home - until there were two - just two of us going - what a $hit show. I was feeling so unappreciated - I wished I had just stayed home to watch my soaps - single, alone and on my couch but at the very least safe and content.

By Saturday morning as I told the RMT as I walked in the room, I was like a stick of dynamite ready to blow. He said 'shall we try some EFT' - this involves body tapping - on the meridians to release build ups of emotions - we started with some drama at work - with someone who had behaved like a complete wanker for the last 2 days - realizing that I was pissed because he didn't share the same moral code as I did - and as the RMT got me verbalizing my anger followed by a positive affirmation, I felt the anger dissipate - until I saw him as a gift - someone that had got me to that dynamite space so that I could release it and heal.

Then the RMT said that it may also be a good time to do some healing around the inappropriateness of someones actions on me some years before during another massage session - someone who was not a professional and not qualified and obviously a f**king pervert who saw me coming a mile off. So we began - and of course it catapulted into something deeper - right at the core of me - and after some 30 odd minutes and hands over my face as I cried my little eyes out in front of this stranger - we got there - to how I had been punishing myself all these years - when you separate yourself from the story - you see that there's really nothing that you could have done differently. However, I had "always sought suffering, conflict and despair" with every single man I had ever attracted - ting ting ting jackpot!!!!!

You know when you've done something your whole life - and you realize that you don't have to do it anymore, it's like stepping into an abyss? - it's scary - ALL NEW - you have no map and no coordinates cos everything is new - so do I step off the edge or do I step back and go back to what I know? - well of course the answer is simple - it's time for this little butterfly to uncurl her wings and fly - I've been in this tower too long - tucked away - my heart is pounding - excited I think - creating my new story :)

I also had the most amazing news ever this week - I passed my citizenship test and will be a Canadian Citizen on the 6th January - it's the biggest thing I have ever achieved - when I think off all the obstacles that stood there in front of me the last 7 years trying to trip me and the people that wanted to see me falter - I thank God for those who carried me - and the most thanks goes to my Family - I miss them today like no other day- I know that they will all be sitting around the family table tomorrow eating Christmas Dinner - Mom will have cooked the lamb that by Brother loves so much - and my Dad will hold the knife and fork in his hands like a pro - good enough for a royal affair - and Mom will boil the kettle which will whistle out loud and pour the hot water to make gravy - my little Nephew will run around like a maniac before he is ordered to sit down - and me, me, I will sit here and pray again - hard - that God surrounds me with my loved ones next year. I can feel the skin on their cheeks pressed up on my lips as I can kiss them all - and oh how my heart hurts as I imagine how my Mom and Dad's eyes light up when we are together. I have often wondered why I separated myself from all that is so dear to me - and maybe I just felt that I didn't deserve them. No more!

Have a lovely Christmas all of you - and breathe them in - breathe in your loved ones - take a seond to be present when they look at you - smile at you - talk to you - your loved ones are your 'presents' :)

I know that I had promised to write more frequently but I kid you not the last two weeks have been mental busy both at work and socially. And there's no chance that I am going to get it all down in one sitting - thank goodness we have one lovely long weekend coming up next week. I am so looking forward to it. I am unable to do my usual 'italic' writing on here and to keep all the paragraphs aligned - so I will have to take a look at that over the next few days too.

I managed to stick my fingers together today with super glue - oh my gosh - if you could have felt the panic - there I was busily trying to get the amethyst back into the silver pendant frame and then I noticed that two of my fingers were bonded with glue - so frightening - I literally tore them apart hoping to God that I wouldn't tear the skin away too - thankfully after lemongrass oil, nail varnish remover and washing dishes I don't feel like I have lizard fingers.

Watched a great movie last night with Emily Blunt and Matt Damon - "The Adjustment Bureau" - it was very interesting - or at least I thought so.

So back to the Xmas party - in fact let's go back a little further than that - I met up for coffee with the Slovenians old best friend last week - the one that the Slovenian basically trained to be as big a jack ass as he was when it came to his philandering - and funny thing was the timing - I fianlly realized just the night before that I had created this whole fantasy with him, the Slovenian - a whole story - all these years on - some sort of romantic movie where I was the one playing it all out in my head - where in actual fact he was and has given me jack $hit for the last umpteen years. Okay so there is no need to beat myself up here - but it was an epiphany - and which woman wants that - a fantasy? It was not serving me in any way shape or form. So I prayed really hard that I would stop it - and stop drawing him into my life. And next morning I'm on LinkedIn and there's his mate's profile - he's back in Vancouver and I just said 'hi' as we had been talking on Skype a few months earlier.

I got an immediate response - in fact he was coming Downtown that afternoon for a conference and would I like to meet up for coffee? OMG my tummy did a tumble - why was this happening? What would I say to him 8 years on - I had bumped into him on the street about 6 years ago - but I was all of a flap. I have to add though that he was actually very good to me and very kind when the 'zipping' incident happened remember? The one where the Solvenian took the chick into his bedroom and came out zipping his pants up - well this was that guy - the one who literally scopped me up from having a breakdown.

So with my tummy hurling and erratic breathing I took the lift downstairs and met him in the foyer - and he was just as handsome and gentlemanly as I remembered him - we went for tea in the hotel restaurant next door - and we shared an hour chatting about this and that - his girlfriend and trip to Europe, work and the Xmas holidays - and not once did we bring up you know who - I have to say that my nerves went away after a few minutes. Not sure why I was so freaked out really - I think it was just weird to see someone from my past like that - someone that I connect with - but from a time in my life that I don't really connect with anymore. It was a great focal point to gauge how much stronger I am now.

So we are supposed to be going for a drink some time soon and I get to meet his girlfriend - not too sure how all that will go down - but it's always nice to hang out with good people - and he does have a level head on his shoulder - but I do not forget whose prodigy he was for a while back there.

So how are all the Xmas preparations going? Well I have managed to secure Xmas Day dinner at my colleagues family house - however with the evening commute over the bridge, I kinda wish I was staying home to watch my Xmas soap specials! :) I know, how ungrateful do I sound? My acupuncture sessions are going really well - as are my deep tissue massages - although yesterday we ended up doing EFT - emotional freedom technique - I was such a skeptic going in but it really did work - shifted loads of stuff that came up this week cos of work - boss was in town and I have not seen that much sucking up in a really long time - we will have to get to that next time as it's a story in itself. We got a really nice Xmas bonus though which was completely unexpected :) Excuse to go shopping - thinking of buying a new table and chairs for my place - I still have the IKEA one that I paid $10 for when I moved in here 7 years ago - think it's time for an upgrade! :)

Okay - gotta love and leave you - Sunday night and stuff to do before bedtime. Take care :)

p.s found the italic key and managed to get the paragraphs right - that'll settle my OCD :)

Magic

So where to start? I don't know - to stay here in the present or to go back to my tale again - I am honestly not sure at the moment - so let's just see where the words go. I have had a jam packed few weeks - it really has been an emotional roller coaster - happy - sad - anxious - happy - sad - anxious and I am only just beginning to truly realize how important it is for me to sit in stillness. My acupuncturist told me about 'valerian' - so I have been taking that as a natural remedy to just calm me down a little, especially my over-active mind just before bedtime - however combined with the melatonin, I am finding that I am in a very 'bonced out' state sometimes and it is hard for me to find words and communicate at work - it's so wierd when you are in actual fact a separate head space from the one that 'work' needs you to be in. It would be a lot easier to be in a retreat right now or laying on a beach where your mind can pretty much wander wherever it needs to.

So we have our Christmas party next weekend - it's going to be huge - so may people going and I have to say that I am really excited about it. I love it when people are all dressed up in there finest at these types of events - there will be music, drinks and food galore - and I am a little cautious as I haven't had a sip of alcohol for some weeks now - I didn't see the point in going out while I was focusing on healing by way of massage and the 'pin' sessions. I have to add too that I was a littel skeptical of the value of the 'pin' sessions as I call them until this weeks' which was my third session. The second she had put the 20 or so pins in my body and dimmed the light down in the room, I felt that shift in my body - you may get it too - it's similar to that feeling you have in your body the seconds leading up to 'falling asleep' - that shift - and that was it, I was completely relaxed and just 'let go' :) There is always a little bit of fear in me though, like for one thing, what if for some reason I needed to move, like really move and get up from the massage table - would one of these pins stick too far into me as I am trying to get up off the table? :) Silly really!

I got chit chatting with the lady this time - she said that she met her beau when she went to learn french in Paris - oh how romantic I thought - to go all that way and to fall in love - and now of course he is here with her in Vancouver - trying to find work but a steadfast lawyer at home in Paris - wouldn't it be nice to have someone go to those lengths for you? Just to be with you? :)

I am also reading a book by Robin Sharma at the moment - funny how it just kinda 'popped out' at me from my book shelf - all about following your destiny and finding the things in life that really resonate and are important - it's certainly acting as confirmation for the changes that are taking place in my life right now. I feel that I am really starting to ground myself in the 'here and now' and follow my instinct and realizing that there really is nothing to fear - we create all the little monsters ourselves really :) And it's just as easy to turn those thoughts on themselves and create positive ones instead. Feeling safe has always been a big thing for me - and also to be less adversely affected by what is going on around me - and I am beginning to get a handle on it and to truly belive in my own power.

I was listening to Abraham Hicks some mornings ago - sometimes I just switch it up and look for a new link - and I tend to find a playlist on youtube so that it can just run in the background as I am getting ready for work - I always pick up the pieces that are apt at that time. That morning Esther was talking about the 'wouldn't it be nice' idea. So all you do, if you are in a bit of a slump or not feeling your best, imagine 'wouldn't it be nice if.................' - and of course you end that sentence however you see fit. So I went with simple things that I could see the manifestation of quite quickly - 'wouldn't it be nice if it didn't rain on the way to work', 'wouldn't it be nice if the sun came out', 'wouldn't it be nice if I saw the cute guy at work', 'wouldn't it be nice if I had a huge surprise today'.

So I kid you now it went from pi$$ pouring rain to radiant sunshine on my way to work - and a few hours into the day, the cute guy walked by and said 'hello', and by the time I came home after my acupuncture session I was happily relaxed, just having eaten and sitting here wathcing one of my soaps. And then there it was - a 'tap tap tap' on my door - and I rarely get a knock at the door as I live in an apartment block for a start - and I asked who it was - and it was my landlady. And straight away I was like 'oh no what's happened, is it my car again? what's up?' - and I opened the door and there she stood with a pair of lovely clean cream bedroom drapes - she handed them to me saying that they were 'free of charge' - saving me $60 and that I should just pop the dirty ones in a plastic bag and give them back to her. I was so so so happy - I was beaming from ear to ear with a huge smile on my face and my eyes welled up - I was so grateful for this lovely kind gesture. Just a few days before, I had asked her how much it would cost me to dry clean the drapes as the ones in my bedroom were looking really grey and filthy - and I had only just begun to notice after getting my new bed - I figured it could not be good bedroom feng shui :) And here she was with the clean drapes - it made my day no end and I quickly got the old ones down and put the new ones up - it looks beautiful in my room now - it really is the little things - so go on try it - try the 'wouldn't it be nice if' game - and I call it a game as it's nice to be playful with it and have some fun. Just thinking about nice things shifts your mind set - and by shifting your mindset - you shift your vibration - and that's when magic happens!!!! :)

I shared this tale with the lady that lives just down the road from me - I will have to follow up with her and see if she tried it. So apart from that there is really not much else to share with you at this time - work is going well - I am beginning to feel appreciated and have been asked to set some goals and objectives for the next few months - first time I have ever really felt like I am setting some roots down in the workplace and making a difference. There is the usual day to day drama of course - oh and the other day one of the girls saw Liam Gallagher from Oasis from the window - we face a really fancy hotel - and there are often 'famous' people there - to be fair, I had more fun watching the little kiddie winkies in there little 'line up' with their blue rain ponchos on holding hands - they were all going in there to see the Christmas Trees - all lit up and fancy - so cute :) I remember how excited I used to get on school trips - packing my little 'kia-ora' and Ribena drinks - with an extra packet of sweets and a Club biscuit or two :) Awwwww thank God for those memories.

Went for a walk earlier - the sun has been out in full swing today - and I was listening to my tunes on my icube - I love that one 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol - and just as I turned the corner and looked up, there it was this huge expanse of sea, the mountains and the lovely white boats bobbing in the water and I got goose bumps - Life is Good - my friend used to say that to me - now I know what he meant - and as I was walking, I passed an old friend who met her beau in Africa - this Adonis of a guy who she used to chat with ever single day upon her return on Skype - and there they were a family now - her pushing the pram and him twisting the 2 year old in the air - she pops up in my life from time to time to remind me that miracles do happen - it's been a really lovely day.

Anyways, I must come to a close as it's 6pm on Sunday night and I'm hungry and have 4 episodes of Corr'rs to watch before I get tucked up in bed and listen to my regular Sunday night meditation :) Have a super week y'all and I will do my absolute best from here on in to write more often.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w