The Shocker Part Two

It wasn't too far into the evening that I was bursting to get the f**k outa there - I had come out in my lovely dress with my high heeled shoes - first night in ages and was getting the run down on someone's pregnancy - how now the baby is doing this and how now the baby is doing that - and don't get me wrong, I will never really understand why women behave that way until I am in those shoes too - but honestly - it would not have taken a rocket scientist to figure out that this was a 'Friday Night Out For The Girls'. After I had asked the typical questions about cost and the logistics and the selection process, I was ready to get on with my evening - so I suggested that we move on knowing full well that 'Mom to be' would not be in tow - thank goodness!!!!

We got a ride into Yaletown which is not too far from the Downtown core and I practically ran from the car to get away from the anxiety pot of madness. One pregnant woman and two women practically on the edge - now in wonderment and disbelief that this is what the World has in fact come to. Paying $900 for something that comes free on most weekends nights after a few drinks at a club!!!!! :) 

My friend and I both stood there in shock - SHOCK!!!!! Both of us looking inwards at our own lives - is that really how we were going to end up? Like that!!!!! Throwing in the towel and giving up the dream, the hope, the idyllic promise of romance and Prince Charming - cos that was what it came down to at the end of the day - she had given up on finding love  - she admitted it - the man - the family and chosen to do it alone - again do not get me wrong here - it is there very much in my plan if by 41 blah blah blah - but if that is the thought process that I begin to undertake right now - then low and behold that WILL be me in a years time with my legs up in stirrups with Sample X being inserted with the turkey baster - oh how clinical that picture already looks in my mind!!!

We both sat in shock drinking our white wine - each with our own view point and thought process - both of us coming to the conclusion that really we need to get out of Vancouver before it is too late - for real!!!!! Hand on heart - even with the back-up plan, for me there is an element of sadness to this whole artificial method - it would mean that in some way and somehow I had failed in a way that so many others seem to succeed - I say 'seem' - not really sure why - why does it look like something good versus something bad???? 


So we both went round and round drinking and thinking - we were out on the patio - watching the nightlife of Vancouver walk by and it is pretty easy to see why we are single you know - the chicks are all dressed up like something out of a Guess ad' and all the guys are just checking out the booties and t*ts of any chick that walks by - and trust me there is a lot of skin on show - and sadly - really sadly and much to my dismay - we ended up in the same bars on the same streets - with the same people - seven years on I am still seeing the same sad faces - drinking the same sad drinks - and I had an epiphany - that I really am happier on a Friday night at home with my feet up watching a good movie or Eastenders - eating some good food and getting an early night and not feeling like $hit the next day. Really!!!!! I wanted to run home as fast as I could - but we ended up venturing to another dump before I said I was truly over it. My friend took a cab and I walked home - the streets are very busy and extremely well lit so that is never a bother - and it wasn't late.

I have come to realize for me that Vancouver has a 'sell by date' - that after a few years if you are not engaged or wed, a drunk, chemically addicted or a workaholic, you move on - it's like I said to my friend that night, the mountains and the ocean are a beautiful sight - but they don't hug you when you need a hug - or cuddle up on the couch with you - or cook you dinner - or run you a candle lit bath or blah blah blah. I think my love affair with this place is almost at an end - and as I said to pregnant lady that night, I have loved it here, this city has nurtured me, mothered me, protected me and healed me - brought me back to life - it's just simply time now to move on to the next phase.

I know that I have said this before - not too many months ago in fact - I did just pull a 'Fairy' Card too and it said 'New Location' - it's been saying that for some time now and last night my 'Goddess' Card was 'Pele' - encouraging me to be honest with myself and realize my dream.

Hmmmm - my dream - now what would my dream be? Well you know if I really have to write this after all the months that we have shared - then I will write down what I say to myself out loud every morning in the shower - it is the only thing that stops me from spiralling out of control in the mornings as I ponder on some other silly little thing that happened at work - or something that someone said or did or didn't do.

It goes something like this:

I have an amazing partner - not only is he the finest man that I have ever met, he takes really good care of himself - and he respects himself - and has self-esteem - and because he feels all those things about himself, he is not afraid to open his heart and love, love me - and of course he is smoking hot!!! :) and the world doesn't have to agree on that score! :)  - we are co-creating a life together that far surpasses anything that we could have done alone. We go on amazing holidays together - we've been to Hawaii and the Maldives and Peru to name a few - and from each of those places, we have bought home a carving or a painting that is on the wall or on a shelf in our beautiful home. This beautiful home has a view of water, nothing too vast - perhaps a lake - and downstairs at the back of the house is a conservatory - and this is where I do my 'healing' work and consult with my clients. We have two beautiful children - the girl has pretty brown curls in her hair and is a little madam - and the boy, well he is the one that grabs my leg and hides behind me when he sees a stranger and both of them jump for joy when their Dad comes home from work. There is a suite to one side of the house - nothing huge but just private enough for my Parents to have a space of their own - they stay with me for months on end - and love that space - their own TV so Dad can watch the footie - Mom cooks in the adjoining kitchen - and my children are guaranteed the love and wisdom of their elders. My Brother and my Best Friend come to stay too from time to time - a home created in bliss and love. We are all in fine health - in a place of abundance, happiness and joy.

So that is the 'dream' I play out in the shower in the morning - I dare to dream - I dare to dream in a way that some have forgotten to do - or are too scared to do.

The Slovenian told me last time I spoke with him to have a 'plan b' - now that I've got me a back-up plan, I can carry on creating that which 'I know like I know like I know' - my 'plan a' :)

Laters Skaters - gotta run and get on my foam roller - my neck hurts and I think almost everyone was coughing and sneezing in that office today - maybe it was cos I sat in a wet skirt for 2 hours in the morning after getting caught in the rain - now don't get me started on the rain!!

Oh and if any of you fancy watching a romance - check out the new 2011 Jane Eyre - it's lovely and the lead guy - well he's as schlllleeeerppppyyyyyyyy as a Solero!!!! Michael Fassbender - I bet he got ripped on loads by the kids at school with a name like that - but he's scrumptious! 

The Shocker Part One

Hey All - I'm still not getting to grips with the season :)

I was talking to myself in the mirror the other day - giving myself some kind of assurance on a consolation prize at the end of all this - it's that downer I get sometimes after I have spent the day in company and walk back through the door to the 'aloneness' that lurks inside - shutting that door and knowing that that is it until I venture out to work again in the morning. It's not as sad as I make it out to be fair - but it is like being in a cave sometimes - hidden from the the World and life.

I had tears in my eyes - and I looked at myself and in an 'out loud' moment promised myself that if I hit 41 and am still single - hopelessly single - I am going to opt for artificial imsemination - YEP - I said it out loud - my mind followed that road a little more as I guesstimated how much that would cost me - I figured it would be an horrendous amount of money - and then I thought about what my Dad would say. What would my Dad say to his little girl who had failed to find her Prince Charming and secure those dreams of  a 'Happy Ever After'? I don't wish to sound morbid and honestly I am not being, but who will I leave all my little tinkets to? Who else will value all my little trinkets and jewels and crystals and photos and journals of my life story if not my own flesh and blood? - and then I get really really scared. Who will I pass my 'life' down to - who will I share the stories with - who will remember me?

I think I have just articulated in words my biggest fear - even more than never finding love - my biggest fear is never having children of my own.

And the clock feels like it is ticking.

On Friday night I went out for a drink with my friend - following what had been a good week at work - although things there too are starting to unravel now - don't get me wrong I am very happy - but slowly as I get to grips with the processes and procedures and the people - I am starting to get bored again - the challenges are getting starting to get fewer and far between.

I have also caved my own head in finding the Slovenian on Facebook - I sat and looked at his face and became rail roaded by a tirade of emotions from full on wanting to smack his face in - to wanting to touch him - to wanting to shake him - and then back to wanting to smack his face in again. I have to say that he has not aged as well as I had anticipated - in fact no, that is a lie - he has aged exactly how I would have expected him to - somewhere beyond that face and the evidence of years, I can see his eyes and the heart strings tug again and I get an 'awwww' moment - and then want to smash his face in again. Am I ever going to be wholly good to myself and let go of this thing - and if I choose to do that - do I even know how to? I have been at this thing for years now and it seems that I am no closer -and how I can ever be open to something new if that is still there rattling around in my heart?  I wish someone could give me the answers.

So yes I went for a drink with my friend and I was excited to get out after a few weekends of sitting at home and staying alcohol free - I sat there and we talked and she shared her tales at work and in her personal life - and I shared mine and as the minutes passed we got closer to opening up and sharing the 'real' wounds and emotion - and then I did it, I shared with her my plan to get artificially inseminated like the 'Back-Up Plan' by the age of 41 in the event that I was still single. 

No word of a lie, we had just finished that line of thought and conversation when another lady that we met back in the Spring walked passed the window - waved and headed in to join us. She sat down and first words out of her mouth were "I am pregnant" and then of course we asked 'how' - she was artificially inseminated at a fertility clinic - at $900 a pop and successful 3rd time round!!!!!!

I just had one of those crazy moments where I just vanished into a vacuum as a hole heap of emotions from surprise, shock, terror and disbelief just swallowed me up hole - I was gob smacked. What had the world come to?????

( I have to get my laundry done now and will get back to this later today ) 

The Fall

I think I know now why they call it the 'Fall' here in North America - it's cos you crash like a star from heaven when the sun stops shining - the cold sets in - you can see the blue tinge to your toes again as they beg you for socks - you need a blankie on your bed again - it's dark at 7pm - the trees look a little sad and droopy - 'Come Dine With Me' is back on TV again with the Canadian re-runs which are $hit compared to the UK version - your pretty little dresses and tops get pushed to the back of the closet and out come the darks again - with the little rain jacket - the big black umbrella - and crap Emmy awards that remind you that the Oscars and Christmas are just around the corner. And on top of that I am bored out of my brain!!!! I have read a little, done some of my body rolling exercises, went for a drive, done all my chores, watched a little of the Emmys - but then realized that 2 more hours of this $hit and I will be catatonic. So here I am writing and venting on my blog.

Oh my goodness, this turn of the season makes me soooooooo sad. Feels like a loss - a deep welling sadness that summer is gone - all those opportunities for I don't know what really - seems like the next few weeks are just a slip sliding slope to dark morning wake ups - followed by dark morning walks to work - with the dark evening walks back home - and all those amazing hopes that we have at the beginning of spring when the trees are full with their little buds are GONE!!!!! I hate it!! It sucks!!! :)

Honestly I have a face that could trip me up right now - we've had two days of rain now and that pitter patter that I hear on my bedroom window is a reminder of what's to come - frizzy hair - gum boots - fighting the wind with your brolley and this lovely berry tan that I have will be covered up until next spring when all of it will just have faded away. I don't get people who say that they love this time of year - I am so not one of those people. People are going into hibernation mode and you don't get asked out for drinks on the patio anymore - some of my friendships have kicked the kerb as I have already shared with you - and then oddly enough men that I haven't heard from since this time last year get in touch again - just looking for that 'cuddle in front of the fire partner'- not gonna be me!!!! Nice thought but if I wasn't desperate enough last year, the onset of my 41st year on this planet has not changed a thing.

Hope I haven't sent any of you into a tail spin and got you feeling depressed too - but some of you must share my feelings too - right? And on top of all that, there's nothing on TV - I absolutely cannot wait to get up and go to work tomorrow just for some human interaction.

Watched 'Due Date' last night which was so so so funny - although there was one bit that was really crude - a real ' euuuuuhhh' moment. Then I saw 'Blue Valentine' which was about a lovely relationship which eventually breaks down right before your eyes - very powerful acting and sad too. It's brutal to watch two people lose all that hope and magic that they once shared - happens every single day - if only we could be reminded of that which brought us together in the first place. And then I watched another crap movie with Jen A - sorry guys I know I have moaned about her before - but it really was a boring film with Adam Sandler - I just sat here wanting it to end so that I could go to bed - and yes, I could have gone before the end - but you know how it is when you just wanna forward a movie to the end to see what happens?!?

And as I shared another sentiment with my colleague earlier this week - no more bronzed bodies on the beach playing volleyball - I think that's the biggest kicker of all! :( That stretch of beach is always a guaranteed 'schlerrrppppp' moment - in fact more than just one. And oysters and a glass of white wine just don't taste the same when the sun don't shine.

So what else is new? Not a lot really to be fair - work is going well - busy and enjoying it. Haven't been out for a couple of weeks - maybe that explains my state of mind right now - I was just thinking how much fun it would be to be in a really nice, lively spot with some good dance music playing, and freinds all gathered having a laugh and dressed to impress - people just don't really do that here and there really aren't many lively spots to go to where you can meet new people. I don't know maybe it really is time for me to stop procrastinating and to move on from here - but hey, Toronto in the winter is no picnic - I've heard horror stories about how you have to have the electric running to your car all night just to make sure that your engine starts in the morning and doesn't completely freeze out on you.

So - even though I have complained for the last 20 minutes or so - I should share with you that I am actually in a really happy place - life is good and I am super content - I think I'm just having a moment - perhaps it's that dread of singledom just before the festive season that is kicking off all these maudlin feelings. I guess some how in some way, I hope every summer not be alone anymore and it's just come and gone again - and here I am - single!!!! Yes that's it - that's the real reason why I am feeling like this. Oh well - back to my Abraham Hicks and 'calling in the one' :)

Okay Y'all I'm gonna take my moany little ass off this couch and do one of my meditations while it's nice and quiet - bye!

Friends don't do that - part two

I've realized over the last few days, and after listening more to Abraham Hicks and the concept that thoughts really do create your experience - that I do not wish to dwell on the events of last weekend for too much longer. So the ending to this tale may be a little less extensive than I had thought going into 'part one'. I guess I've just had enough of thinking and talking about it.

Nevertheless as promised..........................I got up the next day really dishevelled and 'spinny' in my mind - I was so anxious now to just get in my car and get home - I didn't even want to shower or eat - just to hop in and drive home. I went up the stairs and my friend was already up - the pot head was still fast asleep - and there was not that much time to go before 10am. I went out on the deck to chat to my friend and him, and it was really more of a fact finding mission - I wanted to be sure that driving pot head home was not going to take me out of my way - let's call her Betty to make things easier to write. So I made it clear that I was not going to drive all round the Lower Mainland in order to get her home - and that it would be better to drop her off Downtown and then she could get the skytrain. But NO - I was assured that the drop off would not be out of my way and that it would not add any time to my journey.

I did not of course believe them.

By 10.15am we were in the car and then Betty delays the action so that she can have another puff - I was furious - now she was going to sit in my car bonced out of her brain - with that energy seeping into the compacted space of the innerds of my car. I know that I probably think way too much about crazy stuff like that - but it just bugged me to the max. Neither of them had a dime to give me there and then for gas money which - well what did I expect? And off we went - me trying to be light hearted cos I had just been told off for being a grouch by my friend - and we started up Highway 1. Listening to music and chit chatting, it really wasn't so bad.

Now that we are 4 hours into the journey and I am knackered, we had to get off the highway so that I could drop Betty off - and there I see it in front of me - 72 kilometres to Vancouver - we're almost there - it was such a relief.

So we get off the highway - and these 2 space cadet navigators have me going in the wrong direction - almost to the US border - this was it - I just lost it!!!!! I didn't say a word but I was just so over it by now that I wanted to just tell them to get the f**k out of my car and then just cry. We're talking almost 5 hours in the car with them by now - and was it too much to expect that they know where we're going????? She said she knew the way AND had a map!!!!! So we got on the right track - I was told that it was 30 more minutes until we got to her place.

You what????????????? 30 more f**king minutes - where the F**K are we????? I was shaking from head to toe - and then 5 minutes before I drop her off - she asks me where I live - I was so taken aback - it took Betty almost 6 hours to ask me a f'ing question - go figure!!!!

 

She got out - and then my 'friend' and I left to get home to Vancouver. I had to say something - I was seething - and I knew that I was about to explode - all I could muster was that if that drop off had not taken me out of my way, that I would eat my hat. To which the cheeky thing said, 'well did I expect to drop her off on the street' - well actually I f'ing did!!!!! And then when I got to the topic of the bathroom - she said it had been my fault - MY FAULT. I absolutely could not fathom how she came to that conclusion - so I proceeded to explain events that night from my point of view. THEN she tells me that everyone knew I wasn't having a good time - but NONE of those donkeys thought to talk to me - but let's think about the fact that they probably talked about me behind my back which is why I was so wigged out and strung out the whole time. I asked her why no one has asked me what was up and she said that no one knew me that well - but they did entrust me with the drive home!!!!!! I shake my head as I write this.

She then proceeded to tell me that she would not have asked me to come if she had known about the fact that I hold my lone time and free time as very precious to me - and I thought, you didn't ask me - your boyfriend asked me!!!!!!!!! And I wish to f**k I had followed through and just said NO the few times that I had doubted the trip with her in the first place. So I was thrown under the bus - felt well and truly like $hit knowing now that I had been paranoid for a reason and just wanting her to get as far away from me as possible and then just stay there for a very long time.

I dropped her off - helped her with her frigging bag cos that's who I am and then got myself home - as soon as I got back here I was filled with regret that I ever put myself through that - and took myself away from the serenity and peace of my own home - my want here had been to be part of the group and have fun - and I had been so flattered when I was initially asked to go - thinking it was going to be an awesome time.

But as I said to my friend Krystal today who called me Godzuki, which I thought was cute - the gift in all this........................................by Friday, which was yesterday and I got home after work - I came through my front door and sat here and watched a soppy movie with Kate Hudson - had a good cry and released all the pain from being treated like that by someone I had begun to think was a dear friend - and looked at my space and my life, and I realized that I have an awesome life - a lovely home that I have created - with amazing friends albeit most of them are overseas, and an incredible family - I have created this beautiful serene, safe and tranquil space for myself - and I will never again hand over the power to someone else to take that away from me.

And next long weekend I'm bloody well staying at home - doing what I want - watching what I want - listening to what I want - sitting where I want and eating what I want - SO THERE!!!!!!!!

That guys is the end of that tale - it goes back to that same lesson time and time again - don't be afraid to be YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Friends don't do that - part one

I know, I know, I know - high time that I wrote on my blog - I have had THE most awful weekend - and after reeling from the after shock, this is the first evening where I have felt just a little more able to do the 'normal' things that I do. I had a good cry and I think that shifted things for me too. So I'm going to write as much as I can before 8pm and then I'm going to chill for an hour and watch some TV - it will be dark by then too. We have had some awesome weather - 27 degrees again today so we have all been happy here in Vancouver

So let's go to my weekend - we decided weeks ago that we were driving to Kelowna for the long weekend and I have to say that I was so excited - moreso because I had been asked by a friend who had become very dear to me - and it was a form of acceptance into the group as I don't do a lot of group things - I tend to spend time in solitude and in fairness, I am totally happy being that way - the time I choose to spend with someone is cos I truly want to be with them - and don't get me wrong, I enjoy my social side too - just not 24-7.

As the day approached the drama started to unfold, no longer were we leaving from the Downtown core where we live - but were instead having to drive somewhere else. And Friday night when we went out for drinks, I could feel the anxiety welling up in my core and I was beginning to feel really sick - my intuition was already kicking in - and I knew that I didn't want to go. But I let myself believe that I would have fun and that sharing time with my friend would make the whole affair okay. We'd have each others backs right? Certainly that's what my friends in the UK would do - have my back!!!! So yep - I was anxious - we had a couple drinks and I remembered how I had tried to get out of this once or twice already - but I was feeling pressurized cos I had to bring the girls back - so they would not have been able to go without me - although now in fairness, it's just dawned on me that they could have taken his car - I'll just called him 'him'.

So the next morning I was up at the crack of dawn and round at my friends by 7.30am - good going for a Saturday morning and we drove to pick 'him' up. I knew it was going to be a gong show of his music all the way - a 4 to 5 hour drive - and him jibber jabbering - nothing of any essence - just the same relentless BS - maybe though on some level I created this because I afterall expected it. And I own that. So we met with the rest of his friends - a mixed bag really - from pot smokers to drinkers to quiet guys and long haired guys etc etc - quite an eclectic mix really - and then me, prissy little me - the madam who was dreading it now after she saw the group - knowing that this was going to be a f&&king nightmare!!!!! So it was by now almost 9am and we still hadn't got on the highway - fetching this and fetching that - packing this and packing that. But we got into my car - I was not driving there - he was and my friend, his GF, sat in the back - I thought this perfectly reasonable, it was afterall my car and why should I feel like the odd one out in my own car?!?

The drive began as we veered this way and that in attempt to miss the anticipated traffic jam on the highway - I wonder if anyone had actually done some research on the internet on the state of the roads before we did all that zig zagging - first we stopped for vegetables cos they don't sell them in the Okanagan and then we stopped for corn - cos again they don't sell those in the Okanagan!!! :) I am of course being a sarcy cow. And I still own that on that level, I had created this, however I was not in my vortex - the one that Abraham Hicks talks to me about every morning on youtube. We had fun for the first little while until it started to get a bit hairy - I can't really share why as that is someone else's personal business - I will say though that I could not f'ing believe that I was stuck in the middle of people's drama - I didn't want any of it. We stopped off for breakfast in this hick town - and ate the most gross crap on a plate ever - it was like all the fuglies you can imagine were under one roof - one woman who served us actually looked like a bloody serial killer - it was dreadful and of course all the people turn around to see the 'out of towners' walking in the door. Then at breakfast I get called 'ornery' - I didn't even know what that word meant - and this was cos I was screwing at all the time that we were wasting - but now I've just looked up the meaning of that word, I do think it was a little out of order - maybe it's because I air my feelings on the spot!! Anyways - I was labelled and when I asked one of them what it meant, I have to say that it did upset me - talk about giving a dog a bad name! Pot and kettle came to mind though when I thought of the one who said it - HIM - I've never heard him say three straight words without throwing the f bomb in there for good measure.

So some hours later we got to our destination. And now for the shopping and then after the shopping - then to the alcohol pick up - I was done by the time we got to the house - to be fair, I think we all were. That evening was really pleasant though, my friend and I went out for a really nice walk to the lake and sat and chatted while the sun set. It was lovely - we were sharing stories and ideas. And by the time we got back to the house, dinner was cooking away and I popped my salmon in the oven - quite lovely. We all sat around a big table and ate. Went to bed nice and early and got up at a reasonable time the next day - no drama - had breakfast and then got ready to go on a friend's boat - not my friend - their friend.

So in we got in the car - driving to I don't know where - cos that's the other thing - no one thinks to say 'oh we're going here and it will take this long' - instead we're on the frigging booze trail again - driving like numpties down the street passing all the liquor stores into the wilderness and then all the way back again cos we couldn't find one IN THE WILDERNESS! And I don't know if it's just me, but that kind of things just makes me nuts - and yes ornery little me let it be known that I was not happy - and I tutted more than once at the inefficiency of the whole situation - wonder if they would have done the same thing if we were paying by the kilometre in MY CAR!!!!!

We got to the boat - and I have to say it was lovely - we went out on the lake and had a really nice time - another bunch of people joined us and it was really peaceful - relaxing and chilled. We were there for some hours and then by 5pm it was time to go home. We did a fast speed return to the shore - this is after the handsome pilot who was driving the boat - the married pilot - asked me if I was going to have a drink - and I joked back and forth with him in the style of Jake from "Two and a Half Men" and my friend and him looked at me like I had six heads - I picked up on that but said nothing - had no idea what their problem was - OH MAYBE I was being ornery again!!!!! W@nkers!!!!! Cos of course this was all about me and nobody else played a part in the way I was feeling at all RIGHT!?!?

We got into my car and drove back and I was exchausted - falling asleep in the back and her in the front - and then again - here we go again with the liquor and meat pick up - I was not getting out of the car again to go traipsing about another supermarket. And of course this must have made me look ornery again - what am I not allowed to make a decision on how I choose to spend my time?

By the time we got back to the house and knowing that they had had enough of me as I said I wanted to go home, I said that I would go downstairs and chill for a bit so that's what I did - dreading the fact that there was going to be a bbq later with around 15 people in the house - if not more. I was so over it - and why it didn't dawn on me to pack my stuff and go to a hostel I will never know - in fact I should have driven home that morning. By 8pm I went upstairs after changing - and I could not for the life of me pull a smile on my face - I just couldn't - all I wanted to do was burst out crying and come home - back to my safe beautiful peaceful serene and quiet lovely home. Away from the noise, the music, the cooking, the people - just everything that makes my hairs stand on end. 

After dinner I escaped downstairs - and was going to bed when the pot smoker and crew decided to go and play a joke on me - not funny!!!!! So not funny!!!! I came out of the bathroom as I had forgotten something and pot smoker jumps into the bathroom cos she felt the need to check it out when I was still in the midst of sorting myself out - I didn't snap - but I was firm in that I just wanted to wash up and go to bed - so she looked at me, again like I had six heads and f'd off. I got into bed all shaken and praying that Archangel Michael shield me and keep me safe cos I just felt so completely unhinged around these people - and no longer safe.  

And then it dawned on me that I has a face like a smacked arse all weekend cos I just did not feel safe with these people. They didn't see me - ask me what I wanted - thank me for the use of my car - I was like the invisible woman - and it had crushed me to the point that I was just frozen.

Okay guys, I am going - my show is coming on and writing this posting is making me want to scream - it is still so raw and I am still angry and hurt all at the same time. It does get better! Always does hey?Hope you are all well and enjoying the summer :)