The craziest thing happened this week, after the dread of going into work on Tuesday morning and spending the whole of my Monday in anxious anticipation - just after an hour of starting our group was laid off. Hearing the words over the phone, I was convinced that we were on candid camera and this whole thing was just a joke - but as I examined the faces one by one around the table, I knew that this was for real and that this schmuck was about to affect our lives forever.
Of course I had not had the chance to truly blend in with the group - still being ostracized by my own peers - ignored and 'seen through' for no reason that was apparent to me, I was not able to touch the devastation that this would no doubt cause at some level. All I could think about was getting the f**k outa there. In those 5 blessed weeks, I have had all of my triggers exposed and like I said to my ex-boss yesterday, the gift in all this is that I 'grew a pair' - I am okay not being part of that group - I am okay not being one of the sheep - I own the fact that some of us are just plain different and our simple 'being' is enough to throw some people way off balance - to the point that they bully you and exclude you.
At 8.15am I was listening to 3 of the 5 around the table share stories of the weekend and how they had all got together to enjoy the weekend festivities in the city. How would anyone feel listening to that? The idiot in my building started about a week ago to flat out ignore my existence - he would not look around when I said 'morning' or 'bye' in the evenings - even in a group setting, he wouldn't even look in my direction when I sat at the shared table. So when we heard the 9am shocker, I had to chuckle when this donkey finally found the cheek to open his mouth and talk to me, I wanted to tear the hair out of his bog eyed face.
So what 'we are friends now?' - not that you want to share your pain - you want to share it with me? I am sorry mate, but I have not reached that point of compassion and forgiveness yet - you will have to excuse me for taking my time. Afterall you and your friend are the two that were making nasty comments under your breath to me just a few days ago and blanking me as you stood up to go and have coffee - and had me crying at 5.30am in the morning when I was filled with dread at having to get up and go to that place and now you - now you want to share your pain with me - get f**ked!!!!!
I have to say that I was probably the only one that walked out of that room after the announcement and felt a tremendous amount of relief. My only goal was to get to my desk fast enough, clear it and get outa there as fast as possible. Of course in shock, the group was milling around not knowing what to do - just walking around in circles, some cried and others hugged and I was just there - the 'outsider' looking into this facade of broken down egos, just thinking that it really could not have happened to a nicer bunch of people! Sarcasm intended there of course.
My doubts and intuition about the 'story' in that place suddenly made perfect sense - for days now I had figured out the plot - it's like any story really with the good guys and the bad guys, the guys plotting so that they look good, the guys plotting so that they can feel good, the guys plotting because they have no idea what they are doing - and all this time as a collective group, they have to have a 'fall guy' and once VPL moved into the other team and out of the line of fire - they were slowly grooming me - so that I would be the reason that things weren't working. It became clear to me on day one of this job that my boss had no idea what he was doing - none!!!! So all fear encompassing - this is how things played out - it's like that book 'Lord of the Flies'.
Toxic to the max.
So yes, I packed my box with what little I had on my desk and then swiftly went over to the head honcho and asked about my expenses - I want my money afterall - knowing that that was all in hand, I practically legged it to my car and drove out of the drive and home - I 'whooped' it all the way home at the top of my voice. The pleasure I felt at watching that whole charade crumble after the way I had been treated is something that I will never forget.
And now? Well now really is the calm after the storm - or is it the storm again - afterall, I can't believe that I am looking for work again - it's nuts to think that we are in August and I have only worked for a grand total of 5 weeks so far this year. But with all the lessons intact from the last time I was in this predicament, I am doing everything I can to battle the feelings that arose then. But a part of me thinks that I will just have to sit and embrace this darkness for a while - so that I can just move through it rather than fight it.
The weather is awesome - summer time is here and I have to say that I have a lovely group of friends supporting me. Four of us went out to watch a movie last night and then I stood on the bridge alone and watched the fireworks. Alone I say - I realized that I have to make a distinction - I am physically alone - and that kinda lonely only becomes noticeable when I am standing on the bridge watching fireworks alone as all the couples around me are grabbing onto each other and sharing their 'wows' and 'oooooh's' as they watch the show. I could feel myself welling up so I came home - I was remembering going to watch them with my Mom and Dad two years ago and we had had so much fun.
So I came back to my little cocoon and sat here and watched the ending of Tyler Perry's 'For Colored Girls' - now you must know by now that I do love watching a good film, but nothing makes me happier than watching a good film that actually moves me in my core - and this was one of them - I highly recommend you watch it - it's a very powerful film and I loved the way that they incorporated poetry into the scenes - Thandie Newton was amazing in it and I had forgotten how strikingly beautiful this woman is. Go see it please!!!!!
So I'm off to hang by the pool today - I have promised myself a day free of stress and anxiety - I am going to share myself with nature on the green green grass and stare up at the sky - I love doing that and watching the shapes in the clouds - last time I saw an eagle and a dolphin :)
Oh and I am so happy that I can get back to my writing now :) Have a nice day!!
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