Ten years later...................

So here we all are in the throws of Mercury Retrograde - when the universe conspires to make us deal with all the crap that we haven't already dealt with - regurgitating old wounds and heart breaks. It would be very naiive of me to think that I could get away with it this time. I am a big fat whopping ten years on from my Slovenian and the messages are thrust at me left, right and centre to finally get over this thing so that I have the space for what I so clearly in need of - and have been searching for my whole life.

I sat here at the weekend and watched the ending of 'Remember Me' with Robert Pattinson - it left me with goose bumps all over and a horror at the events of September 11th - sorry for those of you that haven't seen it. I bring that up as it is nearly a decade since those horrific events too place - and that movie adds a new level to my feelings of it. My friend had been telling me about Hay House for some time now - so this morning I just happened to tune it. One lady was saying that she feels that her current job is not in line with who she knows she is at the core - it's not in alignment with her spirituality. Funny to hear that as I have often felt that way - but my sitting here and writing my blog is not going to pay the bills - Life Coaching will though and I am searching now for a way to incorporate the learning into my every day so that I can become certified and work for businesses and people, and provide on a charitable level too - perhaps going to women's shelters or something like that. There has to be a way to give back too right?????

So anyways - the speaker on the radio show said to the listener that there was a blockage there from a past life - one in which she had been imprisoned for her spirituality - and here she was again in this life time manifesting the damage from that and blocking herself from following her desired and authentic path.

Then the next caller came on - a lady who fell in love with a guy who she was very much into - who just upped and left one day without warning - she couldn't figure out why she had been unable to let this guy go - she just couldn't cut the cords and move on, thus blocked in her heart and devastated - still!!!! Oh well, that was like music to my ears - I just had to hear the host's answer to that one. Of course it rings to my own inability to let go of something that died a death many years ago - and knowing that on August 17th, it will be exactly ten years since we met on that beach.

So the host said that it was to do with abandonment and not feeling that LOVE IS SAFE - OMG - you know that moment when the light bulb just goes off - and the Angels are just cheering and clapping - imagine that I tuned in at that precise moment to hear that precise thing?? So anyways, she was told that in a past life, this same guy had basically done a runner - and that now here he showed up again to help her to heal her heart and help her to get to the point where she felt SAFE IN LOVE - Yes I have to have to write that in big letters - because a reader once told me that my daily affirmation needs to be "I am safe and secure" - I have had abandonment issues too to some degree - I know cos I have written here about them. Holy Moly!!!!!! Thank You God :) So that has been my work too - to feel safe again and to trust - I know I don't trust easy - I am very skeptical but oddly have been very naiive in the past too - letting all manner of weirdos into my life!

Talk about an 'ah-ha' moment.

Since being a child and watching the 'Thorn Birds', I have always always always thought that love leads to devastation and heartbreak and I know like I know like I know that on some deep cellular level that is has to do with something that happened in another life. Sound nuts? To you maybe. But I know that he didn't just happen to turn up that day, at that time, on that beach looking the way he did by accident. God knew that this was the only person I would take heed of - because in my eyes he was beautiful - and I was mesmerized. So a 'gift'. So that I was forced to heal myself.

It is also no coincidence that I was sitting next to his body and face double earlier today - it freaked me out so much that I figured that they had to be related or something.

And I am still the same now as I was ten years ago - I would do just about anything to squish his face and see him smile. BUT and it's a big but - I'm okay with that feeling now - instead of fighting it with my core, I am just surrendering to the fact that even when I will most certainly be with my new and 'improved' life partner and soul mate, I will still always have those feelings for the Slovenian - and that's okay. It will not take from the new special person in my life, it will instead make me better able to appreciate and love him. I won't make the same mistakes again  - cos this time I will feel safe to throw my arms around his neck and tell him that I love him - this time I will be SAFE TO LOVE.

I remember lines from EAT PRAY LOVE when she says that "God Lives In You As YOU" - there is no external - and these precious insights have come to me in the very moments that I have consciously decided to be good to myself - instead of sitting here on this couch and moping about how shit it is that I have lost another job, I got my bootie to yoga yesterday - and honest to God, the moment I got on that bike for the yoga ride session I just wanted to cry because I had found my way home. I can't explain it more than to say that nothing fills me with more joy and excitement than being good to myself and honoring myself. I was so excited getting ready for class. And in comes this strange looking fellow in this unitard with black eye liner and I just thought 'oh f**k', but it was awesome. And then at the end when you have to lay down and relax he belted out 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' - it was seconds before I realized that he was singing and he was amazing!!!! This funny little guy in his unitard - who took the straps down to reveal his little pot belly was just an amazing singer!! And everybody was smiling :)

And I went again today for hot yoga - 40 degree heat and smelly sweating bodies - but what felt like such a huge cleanse.

I am ready like I have never been ready before to breathe in this thing we call life. To be the best version of myself that I can be and to know in my heart that the Universe has a space for me exactly as I am - just as I am - with no changes or amendments, I am LOVED.

So next time Mercury Retrograde comes knocking at my door, I'll be like 'nah nah nah nah nah - not this time sucker!!!!!!' :)

Okay - I'm gonna get my bikini on and head on down to the pool and then watch 'Bachelor Pad' later :)

Remember - be good to yourself - and if you do eat that slice of cake or smoke that cigarette or drink that glass of wine - be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up. We all need a little less self-berating and lot more loving - mwah!!! :) Oh and with my Brother miles away and with Raksha Bandhan coming up this Saturday, I have used a picture to illustrate this lovely celebration - of love between Brothers and Sisters. I am just sorry that I won't be there to tie the string around his wrist and tell him just how truly amazing he is.