The video

I completely forgot to mention that he had filmed me - and no - not that kind of film! :) It was when we were taking the ferry to Manly Beach - he had completely caught me off guard and when I caught him filming me, I was so utterly freaked out - I don't even know why that was - but I reacted like a complete freak!! And it was all on film - I looked petrified and it was certainly not something that I wanted him to see over and over again. There were other snaps too which were very beautiful - it's amazing how different we look when we relax.

So - in my complete madness and paranoia, now that things were over between us, I wanted that film back - or at the very least deleted. But how was I going to do that? We weren't talking anymore and I highly doubted that he would just be forthcoming especially as I had pushed him down some steps during an altercation - probably drink induced - he was a big guy - the 4 steps were nothing but no, that is not the point.

I found out who was staying in the same dorm as him. Cunningly I got this guy to let me in to the room when the Slovenian was not there and I took the film from his backpack. I think it was 2 lots of video tape and some photo reels as well. I'm so embarrassed writing this :) And then I text him to let him know that I had it - I kid you not - he turned the corner of that street in Sydney like The Terminator and I full on legged it. Ran!!

Next day when I went back to the hostel, all of my stuff and I mean - ALL OF MY STUFF - was packed neatly - backpack and all in the back office. The Slovenian had grassed me up and I was being thrown out of the hostel. Can you imagine the shame! I was completely mortified. Devastated and mortified.

I moved on from there and back to the other hostel that he and I had stayed at when we first got to Sydney from Byron Bay. I had booked a ticket to go to Melbourne on my own and see how I faired down there - truth be told I got cold feet and ended up booking a ticket back to the UK. That's number 2 in my list of 'top ten most regretful moments'. 

In my loneliness and unhinged-ness I felt that I had no other option - I do have regrets even to this day but as I write now, that decision may actually have saved me from doing something really silly. I was in a very un-safe headspace and I was beating myself up incessantly for what I had done. In fairness, this 'relationship' had made me nuts - I had no-one that I could lean on. There was no-one there that I could trust. Word had spread in my circle about my being thrown out of the hostel and to be honest, the humiliation was more than I could bear.

I felt like he had stolen my dream - I had wanted to stay there in Australia - in Sydney. He had to have known that getting me out of the hostel was going to cause devastation for me - but yes - I should not have taken his camera film.

OMG - the drama!!!!!

You'd think it's over now right? Oh no - this story had still not reached 'THE END'.

Oh and by the way - I threw the film into Darling Harbour - and the camera reels, I had them processed - I had convinced myself that there would be a tirade of scantily clad women clinging to him, shot after shot after shot - what I actually found were 'boring' shots of him on safari - and a lovely one of the two of use together in Sydney with the bridge in the background.

My stomach churns as I write - a decade later - my next meditation will focus on forgiving myself for what happened here and 'letting go'. I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time and hold that girl that I was - so frighteningly damaged. I will honour one thing right now though, I know that he was the catalyst for the healing in my life. I was forced to look at my life - piece by piece - picking it apart as only I could - beating myself up and hating myself, loathing myself even for what happened - I carried so much guilt. If he had not been so aesthetically beautiful and the guy from my dream, I don't think I would have listened to him. I want to hold that girl and commend her for her courage. It reminds me of a story called the 'Little Soul and the Sun'. Please take the time to read it.

I did see him again - on 2 separate visits to Vancouver - I will get to those at some point. It's safe to say there was no 'Happy Ending' - but now - you know what I'm not sure that that isn't true.