Another one bites the dust

Nothing and I mean nothing on this planet makes me feel lonelier than holiday season - NOTHING!!!!

I am sitting here - the sun has just set and I am watching a tragic movie with Jennifer A and some kid she decides to have without a guy. All her movies seem to be the same - or is it that her character is the same? Boring!!!!! So you ask - why am I watching it? Well it's easy watching as I type.

So it's been a week since I last wrote and in my world of dating or should I say online dating - another one has bit the dust already - in just 3 weeks IT'S DONE!!!!! :) I laugh cos I have forgotten how to cry or perhaps I am just unable to tap into those emotions for now - but believe the moment will come when I was be at the peak of my neurosis and have a break down, probably the day I turn 40 and there is no-one to share a kiss with as I pay for my $1100 Louis Vuitton bag!!!!! :))))

So I got chatting to this dude online - guess where he was from?? - no surprise really - Sydney - Australia - have we not been chatting about that place for some weeks now? :) Originally from the UK and with a super sexy hot accent - sounded like a 'real' man. Phoned me the first day that we clicked on each other and I gotta tell you - shoulda known things wouldn't work as he'd told a couple of fibs on his profile. When he said 'no' kids - what he actually meant to say was 'yes I have two kids'. So even though my whole being was like 'what the ****', I still continued to talk to him - no this was either cos I was bored, it filled the time, or perhaps the universe was telling me that it was time for me to let go of the Slovenian - the fact that he too lives in Sydney now should come as no surprise.

So two kids and an ex-wife who I had already had in my mind as the 'maniac' - red flags!!!!! We got to a point where we were texting, emailing and talking every single day - it's amazing how quickly someone becomes part of your life. His profile picture painted a picture far from what I am normally attracted to but I think I was drawn in by the attentiveness and dreams of landing in Sydney Australia. Of course I questioned my motive - but his link to the UK and ability to 'match me' punch for punch was attractive.

However, I kept getting the same 'excuse' from him - Destiny he would say would be what would bring up together or keep us apart - which meant that he had to do absolutely nothing - na-da - zip!!! Nothing!!!! I told him that 'you still have to take hold of the steering wheel you know'. There were moments when it felt like an addiction - could I actually go a day without connecting with him - I wasn't sleeping properly - I swear it was because we already had these energetic hooks in each other that were slowly but surely zapping me of vitality - I realized that this situation in just days had the power to lift me up and throw me back down again - a rollercoaster - I had done it again. I had given away my power. Manifested an addiction.

So I heard excuse upon excuse and then it all came to a head last weekend when he told me that he doesn't want to have kids YET!!!! What do you mean you don't want kids yet? We covered this ground at the very beginning and yet you have still pulled me down this track knowing that you cannot deliver on my number one non-negotiable. I lost it - there were a couple f-bombs thrown out there and again he was trying to suck me back into this drama.

I could see how this thing was playing out - the drama - the sheer drama - the game - and as I said to him, I was amusing him - filling in the gaps - and worse than that he had admitted that he has an emotional wall up. And I am no fool - I am not the one who is going to tear that down for him - he can do the bloody work - I've done mine. So with my reality fast becoming being wide awake at 3am and feeling depleted, I knew I had to honour myself and let him go. Oh I forgot the clinker - the straw that broke the camel's back. His parents live like in the same building as him - that traditional East Indian set up where I would move in and take care of his kids, him and the parents - SCREW THAT!!!!!!! Be scrutinized - have no friends - no remote control - no car and hand my earnings over to him at the end of my work week.

NO WAY!!!!!

So it's been 3 days since I sent him on his way - a friend called and left a message and as a result his old voicemail came up on my phone and played out - so I listened to his voice again. I did cry - just a couple tears - I felt it in my heart - and it was that 'giving up' - that feeling of realizing that the dream I had conjured in my head and in my heart was not going to happen - isn't it beautiful all that hope that we are filled with at the beginning?

But you know what - no hard feelings - I can't even begin to touch what is going on his life - all I can do is reach into myself and feel the compassion for a man who is in a situation that binds him from realizing his dreams.

Oh well - onwards and upwards - Mercury is out of retrograde as of tomorrow and I know that next week will bring a whole slurry of change. Some of us are just 'late bloomers' :)

'Better late than never' I say :)