So I couldn't just continue and add to my last post cos it wasn't allowing me to 'justify' the text and with my complusive need for symmetry I have had to move onto a new one.
So yep - he was gone - back up the coast - of course I had been left with a whole heap of doubts and questions. And for the very first time in my life, I was sitting in a place where I knew no-one, there on Kent Street in Sydney - my girlfriend was now back in the UK and the only people I knew were the ones I had met at the hostel - it was scary and invigorating at the same time.
Because of this fear of being on my own, I latched onto a Mexican that was staying at the hostel too - I can't even remember his name now. We hung out and stayed in the same dorm, and both of us decided to head back to Byron Bay - in fact it was probably my idea. So that's what happened - back up the coast we went. I had sent the 'Slovenian' an email reflecting all of my insecurities, bet he just loved that :) And got a 2 or 3 line reply where he said that he was glad that I was finding my way - words to that effect at least. I was crushed, no 'I love you's' or 'can't wait to see you' or 'how have you been' - just very matter of fact.
I had started to replay our time together over and over and over - is there something I should have done or said that would have made me stay or even ask me to go with him? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? Why am I not good enough? Over and over and over - I kid you not it was like a non-stop record playing in my head - the 'purple people' in my head as he called them. I swear the pot hadn't helped my over-obsessive capability to think think think!!!!!!! I guess the label that they would give these days is 'He's just not that into you' :) Oh I chuckle as I write - wish I was the woman I am now back then. I had no idea who I was, what I did or didn't like, no boundaries and he had already pointed out, he chose me, I didn't choose him. I never really understood what that meant until recently. I had allowed this 'boy' to become my world - and my happiness depended on him. Oh my gosh - which sane person wouldn't run a mile unless he was as insecure too??
So yes - the Mexican and I were back in Byron Bay - of course he went off and did his own thing and I was just lost - completely lost. I used to walk on the beach re-living the moments that the Slovenian and I had shared. Back and forth - by now, I had created this perfect image of him in my head and nothing and no-one was going to spoil that for me.
I was in a fantasy - one that I had created.
The next few weeks waiting for him to come back were tough on me - Subway sandwiches, sushi, red wine and McDonalds Fillet-O-Fish had become my staple diet - and I was piling on the pounds. He and I had spoken a number of times - me doing all of the calling of course and worse than that, on a UK cellphone that I was paying roaming charges on - you don't even want to know how much my phone bill had been over those few weeks. Needless to say, I could have purchased a second hand car with the money I paid to Orange.
During one of these conversations, he had asked me if I had met this guy from Chicago in the hostel yet - oh yeah - I had switched hostels too just so that I could be in the one that he had first taken me too - OMG - how sad!!!!! :) So anyways, no I hadn't met Chicago yet - but you will never ever guess what - that very night - knock knock knock on the dorm door and the guys answered and there he was Chicago - of course he hit on me first and then when I realized he was a friend of the Slovenians, I asked him if he knew him etc etc.
The minute I told the Slovenian 'oh my gosh you'll never guess what' he thought that there was something going on between us - projecting his own stuff huh?!? :)
Somewhere in those few weeks, September 11th happened - I remember rolling back to the hostel tiddly with work the next day and looking at the horror on the faces of the guys that were staying in my dorm - looking at it on screen was a tad wierd - cos I had been drinking and also because just hours earlier I had been having a conversation with a friend and saying how no-one could touch the U.S - spooky to say the least and no word of a lie. I hadn't really realized the magnitude of the situation until I woke up the next day and everyone was talking about it at work. It's weird too how Australia felt like it was so far removed from the rest of the world.
I had started a temporary assignment with a company who were fully prepared to sponsor me so that I could stay in Sydney - it was awesome catching the bus over the Harbour Bridge every day and looking at the view back to the harbour from the deck where I worked - like my own little piece of heaven. I loved Sydney.
Okay - break time and I'm hungry - so catch up later.
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