His return

I have had 3 pigeons just come up and sit on my balcony today - would love to know what they mean in animal spirit terms. We've had two gorgeous days of sunshine and rain is forecast for the remainder of the week. I'm not thrilled at that prospect - it would be lovely to just pack up and go on vacation right now - just a week - under the sun. With the lack of positive leads on the work front, I feel that a holiday would shift things a little for me.

Anyways - there is a lot of good stuff to focus on too.

So back to my trip in Sydney I guess, I feel that we need to get to the end of this - truth be told, I have only just let go of it. It has taken me this long.

So I had just met with the guy from Chicago - the Slovenian got back to Sydney some 2 weeks after September 11th - I met him at the train station and he was red as a berry. We hung out in Hyde Park, sitting on a bench under the trees, watching the animals tinkering around and hooking up - it was really quite beautiful there with what looked like Christmas lights intertwined with the branches and leaves.

It was lovely to see him again and of course he was as gorgeous as I had remembered. I had foolishly quit the job as well now that he was back - and we hung out on the beach and had arranged to meet with Chicago and another girl that night for pizza. Call it sixth sense but when we all got together in the group, I felt that he was watching my every move like a hawk ready to catch me out or trip me up. He was convinced that Chicago and I had been together. I gotta tell you that even when I haven't done anything wrong, I get jittery and just have one of those faces that says that it was me that stole the pie - when I haven't.

I remember that he questioned my being at a burger place - when I didn't eat meat - Chicago and I had gone there probably after a drink or something - and I could not for the life of me string together the sentence and tell him that I had had the veggie option. We went to another bar and some chick, called Stacey or something, came up and full on grabbed his ass. Flirting with him and everything.

It became very clear to me and very soon, that these two guys had had an awful lot of fun in Sydney prior to me turning up - and they had spent a lot of time hanging out in King's Cross - an area renowned for strip joints and what not!

We had decided to go to Bondi Beach together for a couple days - In hindsight, I was like a lamb to the slaughter. On the way there, we had picked up a magazine and I remember him pointing to something that said that the 'relationship was doomed'. I was so on edge, I can't even begin to tell you. Impending doom I guess. We were staying at the local hostel and next day we hung out on the beach. That was it - there and then - staring up at the sun, he told me that we were done - that this 'wasn't interesting for him anymore' - those are still the most crushing words I have ever heard said to me.

It was like I took a shot - in fact 100 shots and he left me there for dead in the crowd of happy faces. I was devastated and in a spin. This guy was torturing me. If I knew then what I know now, and had the love for myself back then that I have now, I would have told him to go **** himself , headed back to the hostel, picked up my stuff and gone.

But no!!!!! I hung around for the aftermath of the slaughter too. So with no pride or dignity we took the bus home together, back to base camp - all of us, including Chicago sleeping in the same dorm. I have no idea and will never know whether he was paranoid about Chicago, banging someone else and making an excuse, paranoid or just well and truly done with me. Guess it was all of those things.

But I do recall that one afternoon, he asked me if we could talk - and I said no. That definitely gets into the 'top ten of my most regretful moments' - wonder if this would have been any different if we had taken that time to talk.

So now, here I was dumped and sharing a room with this schmuck - and emotionally devastated and my best friend was back in the UK and I had no-one to talk to. I kid you not, there were moments there sitting at Darling Harbour where I wished that I could idly slip into that water and never re-surface.

My soul was splintered - totally splintered - I was completely lost - lost in my head - trying to fathom out this disaster and with no tools to do so.