The 80's

Her childhood was awkward with very little respite - she was still carrying a secret with her - something that she had not shared with anyone, not her Parents ot her younger Brother - on a couple of occasions she had 'taken' things that didn't belong to her - on reflection probably a cry for help - but with Mom and Dad busy tending to the business and what needed to be done on a day to day basis - it was up to the two children to take care of each other and there was no time to delve into feelings.

An acquaintance told to her during a healing session some 25 years later, that she had chosen the 'pure' path - an honorable path - a choice that others make under the same circumstances that takes them on a very different route. Childhood was not easy, going to school a few miles away from their family home and with the shop being closer to the school than it was the home, it meant that brother and sister spent many an hour tucked away in the little pantry watching the little black and white TV when they got home from school - jumping for joy when the clock turned to 6 o'clock and they could finally go home. She was a very bright and clever girl, doing well in maths and english, and someone who loved gym classes - she was a shy girl though - blessed with the love of her family but still shy.

Respite finally came when she was 10 - during a project at school when she met a girl in class when working on a painting upstairs in the corridor at school. She loved spending time with her - and I think that for the first time, she felt safe - she knew from that very young age that she could trust this girl - and they became very dear friends - and are still best friends to this day. They would link arms walking to school in the morning - and then do the same walking home at night - and then they would hang out in the evening too after school which meant the absolute world to her. Standing outside the shop, the girls would share stories - and sometimes even get some homework done! :)

So the end of comprehensive school came in no time - crushes on John Taylor and Nick Taylor from Duran Duran - listening to Spandau Ballet, A-Ha and Culture Club - she and her friends were starting to define themselves with what music they listened to and what clothes they wore. Ra-ra skirts came and went, and she had at least 4 of them in various colours - shoulder pads and y-jumpers - jumpers with the big 'V' down the back rather than the front - and running from one class to the next at school, triggered by the bell - a crush on a boy that practically evey girl in that year fancied who she now hears has none of his former glory :) Followed by 6th form and the change in music and culture - dance music was just starting to be the next 'big thing' - and she finally started to turn the heads of boys at school. Not completely sure why this was happening, perhaps she was just happy for the most part and funny sometimes too :) But something definitely shifted - and it was around this time where she had her first 'real crush' with a boy from biology class. They would exchange notes, which before long became notes in code - ones that she would rush home to decipher - he was her first kiss - although her shyness rang through as the first one was smacked on his cheek - failing to get anywhere near his lips - she hadn't a clue what she was doing - and the pressure was well and truly on. So this crush thing carried on - he was still very much into her - and it wasn't long before she began to realize that for her at least, this love thing really did suck - he started to date another girl - a girl who was allowed out in the evenings and could go to the local pub for a drink - she was not of course - coming from a very strict home, on top of which drinking was definitely out of the question.

But still he sent her a note one school afternoon - the one that said that 'I think I love you' - and she was so so happy - for now as much as a 17 year old can, she loved him too. He had asked her to stand in the window of the shop the next morning when he drove passed - if she was there then it meant that she too felt the same way. Of course she was there in that window that Saturday morning as he drove by - driving to his Saurday job. She had butterflies in her stomach - loved up and beaming - she had found her 'happy' and she was loved!!!!!

So not many months passed before it all turned to $hit - he went off to university at the age of 18 leaving her at home - he sent her a letter one day saying that he had moved on - and that it would be wise for her to do the same thing - reading that as she shut the door to her bedroom, she sat on her bed and told herself over and over again that this love thing was not for her - that happiness was something fleeting and that it would be snatched away from her in the end anyway - so why bother - and it was in that moment - that precise moment that she started to build the walls brick by brick around her heart - vowing that no one would ever make her hurt like that again.

A year later she went to university herself - just 3 weeks in, she met a boy, quite possibly the first that showed her any attention and started to date him - damaged, insecure and with very little self-worth, carrying the guilt from her childhood - with little or no boundaries she fell blindly into an abyss with this boy - a relationship that would take her years to break free from.