It's amazing when you finally wake from a 'sleep' - asleep to life I mean - there's been a few BIG moments in the last few days for me. I sat at my desk about a week ago - with little to do - no fault of my own but just waiting for the $hit storm to arrive - it seems that we are always waiting for the 'sign off' from the 'powers that be' before we can make our own moves forwards. Not sure if the shift too has happened after 11-11-11 - there has to be some mention of that in here no matter how small. So anyways, back to sitting at my desk, I could just feel the anxiety kicking in - and I was starting to get really light headed - panic - my usual anxiety at work and wondering how long this gig is going to last - the day to day humdrum although I have to say that I do enjoy my colleagues - they're a nice bunch - but I feel that I should be doing more - I am not stretched and before the Universe delivers on this thought, let me also be clear that I am content to chug along until something better turns up - absolutely no more turmoil like the beginning of this year - and my desire to further myself will be on a part-time basis :)
So yes, I toddled off into the washroom and could literally feel the heat rising in my body - the panic was hitting me again - and I went back to my desk and had some 'rescue remedy' and then just knew that I had to get downstairs and get some fresh air - I had been absorbing so much of other peoples' crap that I just couldn't breathe - I found one of the comfy armchairs and it felt like the light fittings were just closing in on me - and I just couldn't 'see' clearly - it was like the lights were closer than they actually were and I knew that I was on the brink of an anxiety attack. I took the air into my lungs slowly and purposefully and put my little headphones in my ears and listened to my meditation music - closed my eyes - and after a few minutes caught hold of myself. And prayed - HARD! I was at a loss as to what had got me here - I know that things are on the cusp of a huge change for me - I don't know what that is yet - but I just know - the last time I had this feeling was when I was coming to Canada. That and the fact that I had been travelling at warp speed through the last two weeks - getting so much done. Then it hit me, just last weekend I found out that a very dear friend of mine is very sick - very very sick - and it toppled my world hearing that news in some way.
You can't help but look and reflect when something like that happens - at least for me - and I began to think of the other people that are in my life - separated by one or two degrees who are also going through a tough time right now - and I think it all just overwhelmed me - and I just felt all that panic. I had realized too that I had been pretty low in energy myself for as long as I could recall - almost since I got back from Australia - and after a few torrid events here in Vancouver and I just think that the stress of all that had just culminated over time. Funny that I looked into the 'health benefits' at work and found out that acupuncture sessions are covered - so right away I booked a session for the following evening.
I walked in there with my mile thick protection - dubious and dis-believing - what could this teeny tiny woman possibly do to 'fix' me - she was indeed beautiful - but very very softly spoken. She called me into one of the rooms and I sat on the bed while she was sitting on the stool - swinging my legs back and forth for a little while, she began to ask me what was I was concerned about - she already knew that I had a cold - virus thing - sinus thing too - and then she checked my pulse. She asked me what my energy levels were like - and I told her that for as long as I could recall it had been a real struggle to get up in the mornings - I was running on low - at a 3 out of 10 - with 10 being the optimum - and I then went onto tell her how sensitive and empathic I am sure, sure that she would think that I was a complete whack job - but to my absolute joy, she understood every single thing I was saying - and was able to piece me together. Assessing my body type, she was able to guide me on the nutrients that my body is lacking in and then when I told her that I put a wall up to protect myself, she softly said "but then how do let in the magic?" - I swear I had tears in my eyes the size of cup cakes - ready to fall they were and I stopped them. And then she also said that living the way I am right now, I am functioning at bare minimum and if just 'believe' again and 'take chances' who knows what I will be able to achieve as I am capable of such great things. It was like going to see Katut in Eat Pray Love - my best friend will know what I mean as she reads this.
So today I was going to go see my friend in hospital - I woke up thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go - and it's not that I didn't want to see him but the commute and the thought in my head that there would be other things that I would not be able to get done. But when I got his text that he was good to see me, I could not have been more excited.
Walking up to his room, my tummy was doing a tumble and my heart was beating so fast - I was so scared of what I might see - how I would react and praying that I wouldn't cry - and as I turned the corner to his room and saw his small frail body getting up to straighten himself on the bed, I realized how blessed I was to have him as my friend - to have shared life with him - and I can't lie, the horror of seeing him this frail did hit me and as I sat down it all just went away - and there we were two friends sharing two hours - and chatting about this and that - and me being the usual 'Question Master' - there's always so much I want to know - and then there was a moment that we shared that I will never ever forget - along with a book he had wanted, I found a stone on my book shelf with 'Friends' written on it - and as I gave that to him, I was so choked up and that was it, tears tumbled - and he asked me to hold his hand and his tears from his big blue eyes tumbled too - and that moment was priceless - and like a little girl all I could say was "you are going to be okay aren't you?". We shared tales - and I spoke of work and how it doesn't fulfil my heart's desires and he asked me what would, and I told him that I want to get into counselling, life coaching, really helping people, helping them to transition in life - to take the steps that I have taken and am still taking. He helped me to realize my passions today - and that time I spent with him today was a true blessing - I am so glad I went - and I pray so so hard that he heal and get well again - more than anything. He told me it doesn't matter who has the best lawn or the best house or best whatever - what matters is the people who are in your life - the Loved Ones.
Walking up to his room, my tummy was doing a tumble and my heart was beating so fast - I was so scared of what I might see - how I would react and praying that I wouldn't cry - and as I turned the corner to his room and saw his small frail body getting up to straighten himself on the bed, I realized how blessed I was to have him as my friend - to have shared life with him - and I can't lie, the horror of seeing him this frail did hit me and as I sat down it all just went away - and there we were two friends sharing two hours - and chatting about this and that - and me being the usual 'Question Master' - there's always so much I want to know - and then there was a moment that we shared that I will never ever forget - along with a book he had wanted, I found a stone on my book shelf with 'Friends' written on it - and as I gave that to him, I was so choked up and that was it, tears tumbled - and he asked me to hold his hand and his tears from his big blue eyes tumbled too - and that moment was priceless - and like a little girl all I could say was "you are going to be okay aren't you?". We shared tales - and I spoke of work and how it doesn't fulfil my heart's desires and he asked me what would, and I told him that I want to get into counselling, life coaching, really helping people, helping them to transition in life - to take the steps that I have taken and am still taking. He helped me to realize my passions today - and that time I spent with him today was a true blessing - I am so glad I went - and I pray so so hard that he heal and get well again - more than anything. He told me it doesn't matter who has the best lawn or the best house or best whatever - what matters is the people who are in your life - the Loved Ones.
So for you who are my Friends reading this right now - I want you to know that I LOVE YOU dearly - and funnily as I thought that as I parked my bum on my couch when I got back home, my friend who just recently moved to Colombia called me to say the exact same thing - so there you have it 'the power of love' :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBDF04fQKtQ
And sorry guys, can't get rid of that yellow background - I've tried everything - grrrrrr!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment