The Shocker Part One

Hey All - I'm still not getting to grips with the season :)

I was talking to myself in the mirror the other day - giving myself some kind of assurance on a consolation prize at the end of all this - it's that downer I get sometimes after I have spent the day in company and walk back through the door to the 'aloneness' that lurks inside - shutting that door and knowing that that is it until I venture out to work again in the morning. It's not as sad as I make it out to be fair - but it is like being in a cave sometimes - hidden from the the World and life.

I had tears in my eyes - and I looked at myself and in an 'out loud' moment promised myself that if I hit 41 and am still single - hopelessly single - I am going to opt for artificial imsemination - YEP - I said it out loud - my mind followed that road a little more as I guesstimated how much that would cost me - I figured it would be an horrendous amount of money - and then I thought about what my Dad would say. What would my Dad say to his little girl who had failed to find her Prince Charming and secure those dreams of  a 'Happy Ever After'? I don't wish to sound morbid and honestly I am not being, but who will I leave all my little tinkets to? Who else will value all my little trinkets and jewels and crystals and photos and journals of my life story if not my own flesh and blood? - and then I get really really scared. Who will I pass my 'life' down to - who will I share the stories with - who will remember me?

I think I have just articulated in words my biggest fear - even more than never finding love - my biggest fear is never having children of my own.

And the clock feels like it is ticking.

On Friday night I went out for a drink with my friend - following what had been a good week at work - although things there too are starting to unravel now - don't get me wrong I am very happy - but slowly as I get to grips with the processes and procedures and the people - I am starting to get bored again - the challenges are getting starting to get fewer and far between.

I have also caved my own head in finding the Slovenian on Facebook - I sat and looked at his face and became rail roaded by a tirade of emotions from full on wanting to smack his face in - to wanting to touch him - to wanting to shake him - and then back to wanting to smack his face in again. I have to say that he has not aged as well as I had anticipated - in fact no, that is a lie - he has aged exactly how I would have expected him to - somewhere beyond that face and the evidence of years, I can see his eyes and the heart strings tug again and I get an 'awwww' moment - and then want to smash his face in again. Am I ever going to be wholly good to myself and let go of this thing - and if I choose to do that - do I even know how to? I have been at this thing for years now and it seems that I am no closer -and how I can ever be open to something new if that is still there rattling around in my heart?  I wish someone could give me the answers.

So yes I went for a drink with my friend and I was excited to get out after a few weekends of sitting at home and staying alcohol free - I sat there and we talked and she shared her tales at work and in her personal life - and I shared mine and as the minutes passed we got closer to opening up and sharing the 'real' wounds and emotion - and then I did it, I shared with her my plan to get artificially inseminated like the 'Back-Up Plan' by the age of 41 in the event that I was still single. 

No word of a lie, we had just finished that line of thought and conversation when another lady that we met back in the Spring walked passed the window - waved and headed in to join us. She sat down and first words out of her mouth were "I am pregnant" and then of course we asked 'how' - she was artificially inseminated at a fertility clinic - at $900 a pop and successful 3rd time round!!!!!!

I just had one of those crazy moments where I just vanished into a vacuum as a hole heap of emotions from surprise, shock, terror and disbelief just swallowed me up hole - I was gob smacked. What had the world come to?????

( I have to get my laundry done now and will get back to this later today )