Almost a year ago to this day, he phoned me - the barman - out of the blue. Funny thing was that I had been thinking about him just that weekend - I was sat here watching some show about women who go to this boot camp thing to help them to get over unhealthy patterns in their lives etc. This one made me fume because each woman was wearing a t-shirt with the word 'branded' on them - the word that their so called 'loved one' had called from - so something like 'chunky' or a 'bitch' or 'useless' - so harsh and hateful words - and as I say, he just popped in my mind and I could just feel the anger in me gushing out to the point that I wanted to punch him. So when I heard his voice on the phone a few days later I was absolutely gob smacked.
He had had a drink or two just to pluck up the Dutch Courage - or at least that's what he told me. Of course I just went in for the jugular - and just told him straight that he had been a complete a-hole to me all those years ago - and in usual dense dip $hit style, he started to laugh at me - that's what he always used to do to throw me off - but you know when you're in a better place in yourself and feeling more grounded and safer, you just see things more clearly - and that's exactly what happened.
So here he was trying to play some kind of jedi trick on me - something that would have worked hands down ten years ago - no fail! But he wasn't sure how to handle me this time. So he went in telling me that he was coming here to Vancouver in the Spring and would I like to see him. And then he asked me some personal questions to find out if I was dating someone. And then he hit me with it - "Remember when we were watching that episode of Friends? The one where they all agree to marry each other if they are still single at the age of 40? Remember how we had both promised to marry each other if we were single by the time we reached 40? It would be such a tragic shame if you never got married and had children - you were born to be a mother".
It was classic - a classic jedi mind 'assault' - lets just try and take her down - get her where it hurts - and of course when I 'held myself' and stood grounded and firm in my space, and said that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with him, he changed his tactic. I could not believe what I was hearing - I think there were a few times when I actually threw up in my mouth thinking about what he was proposing - because as sure as the sun rises in the sky, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than entertain the thought of having a relationship with that 'emotional freak'. So I was steadfast and stubborn in my response - making it clear that this was never gonna happen.
Then the trigger to his call came out - his mom had antagonized him on the phone a few days earlier - apparently she had ruffled a few feathers with one of his brothers - and was then accused of interfering. Which then led to her asking the barman whether she had ever intefered in his life - to which he replied without a blink "Yes, you came between me and the only woman I have ever loved" - meaning me of course. When he shared this with me, I have to tell you that my heart melted just a tad. I felt this overwhelming compassion for him and realized that he was in pain.
This was this poor wretched guy's last ditch attempt to win me back - and he had had to have a drink to muster up the courage to call me. I knew then how much it must have taken for him to make that call. And then as soon as I opened my heart to him, and saw him as a human in pain, he gave me the one thing I had been looking for for all those years after we parted ways. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that there had never been anyone in his life like me and that he deeply regretted the way he treated me - he was sorry for all the dreadful things he did and said. Poor guy. And I couldn't help it - I just cried - they were deep rooted tears - I cry like that only sometimes - it feels like a dam opens up and it's not even the amount but the concentration of the tears. They feel heavy as they fall. And I could feel my heart healing. I felt so sorry for those two kids who had met 20 years earlier - naiive and young - with their whole lives ahead of them. I felt his pain - and I realized that I didn't want to hurt him anymore - there were no more thoughts of vengeance or hurting him the way he had hurt me - we had just done the best that we could with the tools that we had at that time.
I don't know why this has been coming up for me the past few days - I think it's after I went to meet with a friend at a local convention just this past weekend - 3 times I went to her stall at the exhibition and 3 times she was too busy - and I was so hurt by this because I had made such an effort and was so excited to see her. I just wanted a big fat hug and to have some 'safe' time to talk and share with someone who knows where I am coming from. And as I walked away, I kept thinking that I would have created that time and space for someone - for a friend in that same situation - so why didn't she? - why was she so blocked to sharing that time and space with me? - and from sharing that love? - and then I remembered that what is happening on the outside is a reflection of what is happening on the inside - I was doing the exact same thing - I have after all the pain and hurt in my life built a fortress around myself that has been almost a mile thick if that is possible. I have not let anyone close since the barman - on some level even with all the low life things the Slovenian did, he still didn't stick a chance and I am reminded of that too when I want to be melancholy and wallow.
So it's time to be open to love again - time to be open to life - I was chatting to my colleague at work about it today - I have gone from one extreme to the other - from doing crazy things in my life and making ludricrous choices to putting myself behind bars - where nothing and no one can get in - all because it feels safe - really???? Sometimes when I pick a Goddess card and the Goddess Aine tells me to 'take a risk and follow my heart', that's when I feel this pang in my heart that makes me want to pack my suitcase and get a return ticket to Australia - and I bottle it every time - and I think that the reason I do that is because I still love him, that Slovenian - and I grant myself with the fact that we may or may not be 'meant' to be together - but imagine if I leave this life with him not knowing how I have felt all these years - that would be the most tragic thing of all. 8 years ago I didn't bat an eyelid when making that decision to chase his a$$ here to Vancouver and now I can't even muster up the courage to pick up the phone.
And some of this is not to be taken so literally - again it is just the story of what is happening on the inside - and as Aine says, I need to take that risk again - cos right now I am not living - I am passing time - if I was living I would be living my truth and on that beach in Bondii chasing waves and basking in the sun - if I was living I wouldn't have walked out of work with tears in my eyes today as I looked up at the dark 5pm sky and dreaded the thought of yet another Xmas alone - another Xmas without a loved one. Something has got to change!!!!! I need to figure out what that thing is going to be.
A few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning with this song in my head - I didn't even know who sang it and hadn't even heard the whole song before until I found it on youtube that morning - I think it's divine :)
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