Friends don't do that - part one

I know, I know, I know - high time that I wrote on my blog - I have had THE most awful weekend - and after reeling from the after shock, this is the first evening where I have felt just a little more able to do the 'normal' things that I do. I had a good cry and I think that shifted things for me too. So I'm going to write as much as I can before 8pm and then I'm going to chill for an hour and watch some TV - it will be dark by then too. We have had some awesome weather - 27 degrees again today so we have all been happy here in Vancouver

So let's go to my weekend - we decided weeks ago that we were driving to Kelowna for the long weekend and I have to say that I was so excited - moreso because I had been asked by a friend who had become very dear to me - and it was a form of acceptance into the group as I don't do a lot of group things - I tend to spend time in solitude and in fairness, I am totally happy being that way - the time I choose to spend with someone is cos I truly want to be with them - and don't get me wrong, I enjoy my social side too - just not 24-7.

As the day approached the drama started to unfold, no longer were we leaving from the Downtown core where we live - but were instead having to drive somewhere else. And Friday night when we went out for drinks, I could feel the anxiety welling up in my core and I was beginning to feel really sick - my intuition was already kicking in - and I knew that I didn't want to go. But I let myself believe that I would have fun and that sharing time with my friend would make the whole affair okay. We'd have each others backs right? Certainly that's what my friends in the UK would do - have my back!!!! So yep - I was anxious - we had a couple drinks and I remembered how I had tried to get out of this once or twice already - but I was feeling pressurized cos I had to bring the girls back - so they would not have been able to go without me - although now in fairness, it's just dawned on me that they could have taken his car - I'll just called him 'him'.

So the next morning I was up at the crack of dawn and round at my friends by 7.30am - good going for a Saturday morning and we drove to pick 'him' up. I knew it was going to be a gong show of his music all the way - a 4 to 5 hour drive - and him jibber jabbering - nothing of any essence - just the same relentless BS - maybe though on some level I created this because I afterall expected it. And I own that. So we met with the rest of his friends - a mixed bag really - from pot smokers to drinkers to quiet guys and long haired guys etc etc - quite an eclectic mix really - and then me, prissy little me - the madam who was dreading it now after she saw the group - knowing that this was going to be a f&&king nightmare!!!!! So it was by now almost 9am and we still hadn't got on the highway - fetching this and fetching that - packing this and packing that. But we got into my car - I was not driving there - he was and my friend, his GF, sat in the back - I thought this perfectly reasonable, it was afterall my car and why should I feel like the odd one out in my own car?!?

The drive began as we veered this way and that in attempt to miss the anticipated traffic jam on the highway - I wonder if anyone had actually done some research on the internet on the state of the roads before we did all that zig zagging - first we stopped for vegetables cos they don't sell them in the Okanagan and then we stopped for corn - cos again they don't sell those in the Okanagan!!! :) I am of course being a sarcy cow. And I still own that on that level, I had created this, however I was not in my vortex - the one that Abraham Hicks talks to me about every morning on youtube. We had fun for the first little while until it started to get a bit hairy - I can't really share why as that is someone else's personal business - I will say though that I could not f'ing believe that I was stuck in the middle of people's drama - I didn't want any of it. We stopped off for breakfast in this hick town - and ate the most gross crap on a plate ever - it was like all the fuglies you can imagine were under one roof - one woman who served us actually looked like a bloody serial killer - it was dreadful and of course all the people turn around to see the 'out of towners' walking in the door. Then at breakfast I get called 'ornery' - I didn't even know what that word meant - and this was cos I was screwing at all the time that we were wasting - but now I've just looked up the meaning of that word, I do think it was a little out of order - maybe it's because I air my feelings on the spot!! Anyways - I was labelled and when I asked one of them what it meant, I have to say that it did upset me - talk about giving a dog a bad name! Pot and kettle came to mind though when I thought of the one who said it - HIM - I've never heard him say three straight words without throwing the f bomb in there for good measure.

So some hours later we got to our destination. And now for the shopping and then after the shopping - then to the alcohol pick up - I was done by the time we got to the house - to be fair, I think we all were. That evening was really pleasant though, my friend and I went out for a really nice walk to the lake and sat and chatted while the sun set. It was lovely - we were sharing stories and ideas. And by the time we got back to the house, dinner was cooking away and I popped my salmon in the oven - quite lovely. We all sat around a big table and ate. Went to bed nice and early and got up at a reasonable time the next day - no drama - had breakfast and then got ready to go on a friend's boat - not my friend - their friend.

So in we got in the car - driving to I don't know where - cos that's the other thing - no one thinks to say 'oh we're going here and it will take this long' - instead we're on the frigging booze trail again - driving like numpties down the street passing all the liquor stores into the wilderness and then all the way back again cos we couldn't find one IN THE WILDERNESS! And I don't know if it's just me, but that kind of things just makes me nuts - and yes ornery little me let it be known that I was not happy - and I tutted more than once at the inefficiency of the whole situation - wonder if they would have done the same thing if we were paying by the kilometre in MY CAR!!!!!

We got to the boat - and I have to say it was lovely - we went out on the lake and had a really nice time - another bunch of people joined us and it was really peaceful - relaxing and chilled. We were there for some hours and then by 5pm it was time to go home. We did a fast speed return to the shore - this is after the handsome pilot who was driving the boat - the married pilot - asked me if I was going to have a drink - and I joked back and forth with him in the style of Jake from "Two and a Half Men" and my friend and him looked at me like I had six heads - I picked up on that but said nothing - had no idea what their problem was - OH MAYBE I was being ornery again!!!!! W@nkers!!!!! Cos of course this was all about me and nobody else played a part in the way I was feeling at all RIGHT!?!?

We got into my car and drove back and I was exchausted - falling asleep in the back and her in the front - and then again - here we go again with the liquor and meat pick up - I was not getting out of the car again to go traipsing about another supermarket. And of course this must have made me look ornery again - what am I not allowed to make a decision on how I choose to spend my time?

By the time we got back to the house and knowing that they had had enough of me as I said I wanted to go home, I said that I would go downstairs and chill for a bit so that's what I did - dreading the fact that there was going to be a bbq later with around 15 people in the house - if not more. I was so over it - and why it didn't dawn on me to pack my stuff and go to a hostel I will never know - in fact I should have driven home that morning. By 8pm I went upstairs after changing - and I could not for the life of me pull a smile on my face - I just couldn't - all I wanted to do was burst out crying and come home - back to my safe beautiful peaceful serene and quiet lovely home. Away from the noise, the music, the cooking, the people - just everything that makes my hairs stand on end. 

After dinner I escaped downstairs - and was going to bed when the pot smoker and crew decided to go and play a joke on me - not funny!!!!! So not funny!!!! I came out of the bathroom as I had forgotten something and pot smoker jumps into the bathroom cos she felt the need to check it out when I was still in the midst of sorting myself out - I didn't snap - but I was firm in that I just wanted to wash up and go to bed - so she looked at me, again like I had six heads and f'd off. I got into bed all shaken and praying that Archangel Michael shield me and keep me safe cos I just felt so completely unhinged around these people - and no longer safe.  

And then it dawned on me that I has a face like a smacked arse all weekend cos I just did not feel safe with these people. They didn't see me - ask me what I wanted - thank me for the use of my car - I was like the invisible woman - and it had crushed me to the point that I was just frozen.

Okay guys, I am going - my show is coming on and writing this posting is making me want to scream - it is still so raw and I am still angry and hurt all at the same time. It does get better! Always does hey?Hope you are all well and enjoying the summer :)