Swimming up stream

OMG I have just had my cage well and truly rattled.

First of all if I just get back to the end of the tale from the last blog............................so basically, guy meets girl, check each other out - girl sees guy at work a few times and then realizes that she's not attracted - but girl asks guy for a drink some time - hey you gotta expand your social circle - guy takes 6 months to get back to the girl - sends her a stream of texts with X's at the end of every text - 11pm at night and wants to meet up for a drink - I'm thinking two words - F*** and O**!!!!!!!

So there's that rant.

Before I move to the next, I had to share this Tarot card commentary - from the Osho Zen Tarot. Goes like this:

"this card recalls an old Zen story, about a lion who was brought up by sheep and who thought he was a sheep until an old lion captured him and took him to the pond, where he showed him his own reflection. Many of us are like this lion - the image of us comes not from our own direct experience but from the opinion of others. A 'personality' imposed from the outside replaces the individuality that could have grown from within. We become just another sheep in the herd, unable to move freely, and unconscious of our own true identity".

For just a handful of weeks now I have been talking to an old friend from school and we have shared about 8 emails in total. And of course I am never afraid to express my emotions - sometimes I am happy, joyful and in a positive space and other times, not so much. And he also knows that I am out of work right now - so what do I get? I get that typical 'sort yourself out', 'get out of your rut', 'pull yourself together', 'just take a job, any job so that you don't have so much time to think'.

I don't need fixing!!!!!

Honestly, good job this person doesn't live in the same time zone as me else I'd be on that phone - once I have his number of course, asking him what gives him the right to cross that boundary with me. Do I tell him what to do? NO!!!!!!

So going back to the quote, am I to swim with all the other fishes in the sea - we all know the ones and I have been one, that little or in fact big fish that gets up every morning - and the first or should I say second thought that pops in your head is "what day is it" - and then you wrack your brain for that millisecond as you figure out to your dismay that it is either Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday - simply - YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK! To a job you hate doing - to a desk you hate sitting at - and a clock on the wall whose face you have come to know in minute detail as you wish away the minutes and hours of your life. Your LIFE!!!!!  This really is it - this is not some rehearsal that we get to play out the third act again if we don't like the ending, this is it!!!!! This moment, right now, as you inhale into your lungs and breathe air IS IT!!!!!!!!

And what I am to do - am I expected by all those sheep or fishes in my little tale to just go with the group, to feed on the same patch of green grass, or swim up stream the same way just because that is what everyone else is doing???? And that is what everyone else has done????

With my birthday - yes my birthday looming - and yes, I have brought it up for the gazillionth time, one thing that I have promised myself, in fact allowed myself to do - is to be AUTHENTIC!!!!! Me and my authenticity - to do that with my life which resonates with my heart and my soul and not to spend the next 40 years of my life following the crowd and fitting into the constraints created by history. 

I am not naiive enough not to have compassion and an understanding, I realize that everyone's situation is unique and that not everyone can afford the time off to sit back and soul search - to ponder - to reflect - to write - to sit - to laugh - to cry - to share - to walk - to talk - and by golly just to BE!!!!! Why does he want me to be that same person that wakes up every morning and faces that dreaded question and then methodically and robotically go about my day just so that the rest of the group can see a value?

It could also be that he has touched a nerve - that guilt - that feeling that I have already analyzed that has allowed me to think that my work is what defines me. I know that I am going round in circles - but I just had to write this down. And furthermore, if I live the dream, and someone else lives the dream, and a hundred more live the dream etc etc, doesn't that mean that at some point we ALL reach a critical mass like Darwin's birds did - and reach a better vibration for us all? Just a thought.

Rant over! Thanks for reading :)

I've just sat here and watched 'Repo Men' - truly awesome film and boy does it make you think. Imagine, if like in Total Recall or The Matrix if we are not really here at all - actually just laying in some huge sci-fi factory somewhere with plugs and wires coming out of us at all angles and being fed memories and a present moment from a chip or something - sounds ridiculous, but sometimes watching stuff like that does make you wonder doesn't it?

It's been lovely here today - truly glorious - Vancouver was basked in sunshine :) I still haven't heard any concrete word about the interview I went for last week so I am not holding my breath.

I have been a bit of a movie addict too - watched 'Hangover 2' and wasn't very impressed to be fair - a couple of real 'laugh out loud' moments but not nearly as funny as the first. Then watched 'Something Borrowed' - now that one I highly recommend - lovely chick flick - feel good movie and sumptuous viewing with all the pretty clothes and men :))

And then I got watching 'Roots' last night - remember that? I was only 5 or 6 when it first came out - it's popped in my head many a time over the years and of course I only remember snippets of it from TV - I know it's not going to be easy viewing and my emotions will stir - but I am very much looking forward to watching it all - the reviews on youtube are pretty amazing.

So there you go - that's me up to date :) It's Saturday night and I'm in for the night as I am going for a sound healing session tomorrow and the best way to do that is without a hangover :)

p.s I love fish and sheep ;)