The first day of summer.

As I sit here and write and look up at the third orchid plant that I have had in my possession, my anxiety increases - its' flower petals are beginning to curl outward - which means that there is something wrong again!!!! My friend bought it for me last week and the very moment I saw it I thought 'oh no - another one bites the dust' :(

I feel like I have done a very 'bad' thing today - or at least events that took place are not sitting right with me. Over the last six months I got to be know an old acquaintance a little better to the point that we would hang out at least once a week and share stories over coffee - he was actually very dear to me when I had my 'men troubles' at the beginning of Spring - a voice of reason. But gradually and over time, things about him that had been there from the very first day I laid eyes on him, really began to effect me adversely.

We haven't met up now for at least a month and today was a good a day as any. So with the sun out and the breeze nice and gentle, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for us to connect again, sit on a patio and have a drink. The minute he was within 4 feet of me, on it came - the barrage of negativity and aggression - an insult at something that had happened to him earlier today followed by an expletive. I own the fact that I use swear words too - but these seem to come at you like poisoned darts. And I just felt my walls going up and I was beginning to shut down - "Oh gosh - what have I set myself up for on this gorgeous day" is what I thought - and on it went from the complaints to the price of drinks to the lack of this, and the lack of that; to the I don't want to do this, and I don't want to do that; to the he did this, and she said that; and on and on and on - non-stop - and I did literally just zone out and could not seem to drag myself out of the mire.

My thing is, should I have said something to him? If I was a better friend, surely I would have said something to him? Was it okay that I just shut down and stopped talking? My sole intention was just to keep my shield up from this 'thing' and to get the hell outa there. But still should I have said something?

Oh I dunno - I just wished him all the best and it did feel like goodbye - I'm sure he felt that too because he just walked off without even saying bye to me - I shake my head now because I do feel bad. But I couldn't do it anymore - to be in a really good space and to be around someone who chips at my energy and brings me down in just minutes. And the simple truth is - we all do it - we all have moments where we complain - where we moan - just not incessantly I guess. I guess I just tend to stay indoors when I am in that space.

Oh well - it's done now :(

I am usually quite happy to confront things head on but today I couldn't seem to muster up the passion to save this one.

So on a good note, I have decided on a venue for my birthday - it overlooks the sea from the patio and from there we will go on to a hot spot Downtown and have a boogie. I will have to look into getting on the guest list there as I know that the entrance fee is a little steep.

So perhaps now while I have the time would be opportune for me to talk about my friends. I had touched on it in my last blog posting. So where to begin? I remember when I was at the very height of my own healing sessions with my reiki / psychic healer about 3 years ago and she told me "in life you are very lucky if you can count your very best friends on one hand" - life long friends - and she wasn't wrong about that. I used to have this constant need for approval and believed in quantity versus quality when I first came here to Vancouver. It is true though that the friends that I hold most dear and can count on are at home in the UK. That doesn't mean that I don't know some awesome people here too - it just seems a lot more transient - it is like that here - and we all understand that.

So in no particular order let's begin.

The first that springs to mind is my friend that calls me Foxy Brown - makes me smile to even write that down - he's such an amazing fella - he came into my life right after my heartbreak with the Slovenian - I was devastated at that time in my life and funnily the reason why I befriended him initially was because they both share the same name. It was a clear sign for me. He was my genie from a lamp and my my we have fought like cat and dog over the years and had a couple of major fall outs but my goodness, the love that we share is priceless.

We first met when I was working as a recruiter in the UK - he was in a really dire situation and it became a clear mission for me to find him a job - I just had to. He was a cheeky git too - I totally caught him checking me when I was leaving the interview room and he just gave me a cheeky grin - I just lifted one of my eye brows up as if you say 'never gonna happen' and walked on with a smile. In short, I did get him a job - and one that ensured his stay in the UK - he has been ever grateful for that but it is something I would do 100 times over for the friendship that we have had for the last 10 years.

He has been my absolute rock - when I had my most devastating meltdowns, danced with the darkness in facing my demons, and took the hands of all the skeletons in my closet - he was there for me in the early hours of the morning when I would wake up from nightmares - there for me when I took on as truth something that someone had said and make me see that their opinion did not matter, remind me that I was loves. As I have said before, by the time I came back from Australia, leaving the Slovenian, I was like a huge open gaping wound - sensitive, prickly, volatile and neurotic like never before. But my Genie was able to see my heart when I could not.

He is someone that I can be truly authentic with - we openly have our moments on the phone when, as he calls it, we have our guns out - sometimes rifles and sometimes those big kick ass round masterblaster gun things that spin round and leave nothing but dust in their trail - oh and of course those other big ones, the rocket guns. So sometimes it's me - and sometimes it's him - and once we have torn a strip and let go of our anger, anxiety, stress whatever, we laugh and move onto something positive. No hard feelings - ever!!!

I remember Christmas Eve sitting here alone - and he called me on Skype - four hours later and having shared a gazillion songs on youtube and listening to him singing, eating dinner and with washroom breaks, I could not have been more grateful for the void of loneliness that he filled for me that day - like he says to me 'we're bestest buddies in the whole wide world' :)

Then my Brother and I share a best friend - I met this lovely soul through my Brother - they both used to come and visit me when I was at Uni - it's lovely that we have that common love for my Brother and I always have someone to communicate my angst to. We'll call him Mr C - most recently he was working on the cruise ships and 2 summers ago we were both thrilled when he used to stop here in Vancouver every other week for a good few months.

To have one of my Homies here even for a few hours used to melt my heart. It would be so painful to watch him leave to get back on that cruise ship and I kid you not, I would have tears in my eyes every time he left. On his last trip here, we met during the Olympic Games - the last day when it was hockey fever Downtown - thousands upon thousands of people - and with me of course moving in the opposite direction to the herd of people - but it was worth it to see his little face and get a hug.

Mr C is the friend that I can be a complete child with - like a 9 year old - we could honestly go to the park and play on the swings and roundabout for hours and then eat ice cream. It is such an innocent and wholesome friendship. We don't talk as often on the phone, but when we do, it is a phone-a-thon session that lasts at least 2 hours. We cover so much ground and the really neat thing about him is his sensitvity - I can talk girl stuff with him and he gets it. And he writes too - so I have him checking my blog from time to time :)

We share old Uni stories that still have us in a fit of giggles, back when my Brother was so incredibly funny and charismatic - when he would have us in stiches pretending he was one of the Jacksons and singing just like them. Awww - I miss those days - I really do. Last time we met, was at my little Nephew's birthday party - there were tiny gold stars that had been put out as decoration on the tables - at the end of the party when we had finished clearing up and were just about to lock the door, I saw a star on the floor, grabbed in quick and pressed it into his hand. I asked him the other day on the phone if he still has it - and of course he does! Awwwww :))

So now we have 3 down - because rememember I talked about my BFF last blog and we have one more girlie left to go - but honestly I am whacked and have to eat and watch a little TV before I get to bed. This early morning wake up thing has not gone to plan at all - I can't seem to get up at 6am - it's brutal - but tomorrow it just has to happen. Oh and by the way, the red dress at Zara was a big fat no no - yuk!!!! I can see why they were all still there now sitting on the rack - I looked like a bad 70's night shade.

Oh and this posting could not be complete without mention of my friend Krystal - he wouldn't disagree with my saying that we are not BFF's - but we have known each other for well over a decade - and he is undoubtedly the first in command when it comes to encouraging me every day with his blog. I know that I have at least 2 readers! :)))) Too funny!!!! Somehow, we ended up living in the same house after my Uni days - we worked in the same office - I have no recollection of how that even came about - it's safe to say that he witnessed me at some very sad times - times when I still wore my mask and had no idea that I had created this ego facade just to cope with life - well before my Australia trip.

And I would be doing a great disservice to his presence in my life if I did not say that his words of encouragement and funny, quirky emails really did make my heart smile - and give me something to look forward to these last 5 or so months while I have been here battling with myself and my search for work - so Krystal 'Thank You' :)