That which defines us.

So the card that I picked this morning from my Fairy deck was "Honour your true feelings".

Have you actually ever stopped in the moment and looked in side - or felt inside - and been able to verbalize what is going on? It has for me been a very tough thing to do. We all do it, or think it - I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm lonely, I wish she hadn't said that or done that, etc etc etc.

Today or should I say this morning, was particularly hard for me - I am now almost five months into this sh*t storm and each day is a mix from a blessing to a chore. I woke up to the pitter patter of rain on my window, just inches from my pillow - so already I had no desire to get out of my bed. So I just crawled back in after opening the balcony curtains - I do this so that the neighbours don't think I am a lazy cow - I mean who gives a toss - and then I drew the quilt up and over my head until 10am. And why? Because I have started to enjoy my dream world more than this one - wherever it is that I go, it is safer and fluffier than the reality that I have created for myself here.

And it's the same every morning - I wake open and light and then start to audit the coming of day and what happened yesterday - and then slowly but surely, I pick up all the baggage that my back can muster and drag myself to the kitchen and put on the kettle.

I cannot go on like this - and the only one that can change this reality is me.

I have an armchair in my apartment, I love that space cos I can look out of the window and see the world below. There are a number of things that make my heart swell and sometimes I tear up - the bundled up toddlers that scale the 12 inch wall to get to their destination - it is the most awesome thing to watch them - for us so easy but for their teeny tiny legs it's such an accomplishment. There is a silver haired man who has a limp - but I kid you not - every single time I see him, my heart smiles - in fact it beams and not because I feel sorry for him - but because his energy is so cute that I just want to go up and squeeze him. And then there's this Alsatian doggy - a little aged like his owner, who one day pawed his little blue ball as it trickled into the street and my goodness, that simple little thing just had me in awe - he's just beautiful.

But today I sat there with my bowl of cereal and felt something - I really went deep inside - and I could feel my heart screaming - it was in so much pain. Look I know that I am blessed with true love and a family and friends, life and home that some people dream about - but it's all relative. I had reached a point where I just knew that the rest of my life cannot carry on like this - a spectator sport - where I feel that I have no control - I was having a word with the Big Man upstairs and reached a space where I simply ran out of words to say. What can I say? I have prayed. I have meditated. I have been a good person - or the best that I can be and have always come from a place of light and yet I still sit here with my prayers  'appearing' to be unanswered.

Is it that age old adage that I am just minutes away from having each and every dream realized????

So back to what defines me - I have allowed my lack of work to define me. I have done that - ME. Every morning, I am that person that doesn't have a job to go to. I am not the amazing daughter, or wonderful sister, I am not that positive friend or that woman that is seen as gorgeous, I am not even thr person that recycles the envelopes that house my tea bags or the person who sends love and light to Mother Earth as I fall to sleep most nights - instead I have slowly defined myself as the person who is out of work and don't want to step outside my front door because I don't know where to go anymore.

I realized that I am terrified of turning 40 - and not because of the age, because I celebrate my wisdom and time on earth - but the fear in me is that I will have no-one to hug, my Dad won't be here to sing Happy Birthday to me when I wake up and give me a cake with small soft pink sugar roses like when I was a little girl; my Mom won't cook for me and my Brother won't come round with my gift and give me a bear hug and squeeze me with all his might; my Best Friend won't be able to make green tea for me when I go to her house - tea that she will have bought in especially for me. I am terrified that the people I love and love me back won't be there.

And my heart hurts.

When does the universe finally give you a free pass - a pass for all the points that you have scored along the way?

Thank you  for reading and for giving me a space to honour my true feelings.