Surrender

It's 4pm on Monday and it's really lovely outside - BUT - and it's a big BUT - I can't seem to get a shimmy on and move!!!!! I've just clicked on the youtube link for Coronation Street and there they are - 3 more episodes just gleaming at me 'click on me - click on me' - but I know if I do - that's it, my day will be shot and I will then join the ranks with evening television with my marathon starting with 'Two and a Half Men' and then sitting here thinking 'F*** I haven't been out since I did my weekly shop on Saturday'.

I've literally reached some kind of impasse - frozen - numb - I'm not sad or anxious - is this what they call surrender? Cos it feels weird whatever this is!!!! Honestly - if I get my face on now and get dressed up and walk out that door, I literally have nowhere to go. I think I've lost it :)

So I'm going to drink my green tea which will be the colour of dark chocolate by the time it's done brewing - and then I will sit here waiting for the anxiety to kick in - click on the Coronaton Street link and get back to you when I have get to the surface of the water again - cos yes, that's how I feel. Like I am metres and metres under water - with my cossie on and goggles, looking up at the rays of the sun on the water - shimmering - yep - I've lost it - whatever 'it' is.

Okay - I'll be back soon :)

And I promise no more tulip pictures - you're probably over them by now :)

Back and it's only 9.30pm - I did it - managed to watch all 3 episodes of Coronation Street and I made it outasde - woohoo - ventured out to Banyen Books - with no make-up - ta-da - and got some sage to cleanse my apartment. And now that there's nothing on tv I thought I'd get back to my blog. Gotta say, I feel for Charlie Sheen - he looks like crap in his most recent episodes - boy has that guy ever aged in the last few years - it gives me the creeps when I see him making out with a girl on the show.

I had been toing and froing the last few weeks considering the purchase of a Campomaggi bag that I had seen at my friends' store - I think I mentioned it. Backwards and forwards with the 'should I or shouldn't I?' - gorgeous bag and I figured it would be a one off purchase and a special treat for my birthday and the fact that I am expecting a tax rebate any day soon. But every time I went into my closet and saw the stack that I have collected over the years, it just wasn't sitting right with me - and I got the news that I was secretly looking for today when my friend informed me on the day of purchase (she gets a 50% discount), that the leather scratches real easy and therefore, they aren't worth the money - so there you go, problem solved!

I ended up chatting to a friend of the Slovenians today on Skype - weird? Yes - just a tad. It was all I could do to stop myself from asking if he'd heard from him. I was grappling today for a reason as to why I have not let go of this yet - and don't they say that like monkeys, we just need another branch to hang onto before we move on? So I'm figuring that that is it - I just need to find me another branch :) I did thank him for being so kind to me back then - he's in Vienna now of all places. Wow. Engaged! 30 and engaged! :) Yes Yes Yes - I had to stop myself from spiralling into an anxiety attack when he told me that - oh and that's not the Slovenian by the way - I have no idea where he is at.

And the other reason I cling to the memory - I had allowed it to define who I was - who I still was 10 years later and in my heart chatting to that dude on Skype made me realize just how nuts that really is. People have moved on - so should I - I can't help thinking and feeling that a move from Vancouver would be good for me right now - let's face it - new faces and a fresh scene couldn't hurt. I can't see that the mountains and beaches are going to fulfil my needs in the long-term. So I have left it there - open to the Universe - to just about any possibilty that of course leads to a 'Happy Ever After' cos I do still believe in fairy tales and there is nothing that anyone can say to me that will change my mind on that score - NOTHING!!!! :)

I sat here with a hand full of tissues Saturday night watching 'The Back-up Plan' - the guy in that movie is smoking hot and the dog is such a little cutie. I won't give the plot away for those of you that haven't watched it. And then I saw 'The Kids Are All Right' - now I gotta say, the ending left me a little off kilter - again, don't want to give this one away - but it all seemed a little lack lustre after the build up. And asides from that - really nothing else to report, I haven't been out for my weekend wine session so can't slag the dudes off this week :) I did flick the finger to an 'interest declined' on my dating site yesterday until I scrolled down and read that the guy had said that distance was an issue and that I am 'simply gorgeous' - I felt  like a right cow - but had such an awwwww moment. Come on Pensylvania isn't that far - I CAN MOVE!!!!! :))

Well I still think that he was a little short sighted with that one - but hey - if it's meant to be.

Okay gotta run - snack time and I think I'm gonna catch another episode of Misfits on youtube :) And with a shake of my head I am again reminded that I NEED to get a job - and soon - it's the only thing that will get me in bed before 12am every night.