Well here I am sitting here writing, 14 hours from a dream that I had as an 11 year old in the front room of someone's house in England.
Happy New Year to you all by the way - this posting will be short and sweet - I was just washing my face and thinking my best friend at home checks my site every day and I must make the effort to write something especially for her :) I am 30 pages from the end of my book, "The Aleph", so I'm keen to get to bed and need to rest for the big day tomorrow.
My colleagues have been so sweet - one of the girls is having a shindig round at her place - so we have our work group going and then a few of my other friends too so who knows where the night may end. She's got Canadian flags and balloons and everything and is joining me for the actualy ceremony in the morning. We all have to swear allegiance to the Queen - be there for about 2 hours and then into work for a short day - it's been such a crazy few weeks at work - it will be a shock to the system to do a full week next week - back to the 5 day work week until Easter.
I went back to see Randall last Friday - back to do some EFT and this time I had something specific in mind - the Slovenian - we needed to work on what was keeping me in that space - and keeping me so strongly connected to him - hooked - obsessed - call it what you like. I had trouble with it all at the beginning cos I know that I was resisting the whole process - he's been there in my life for so long that a huge part of me didn't want to let go - was scared to let go because of what that open space would look like. So for the first few minutes I kept going off into space somewhere. Then we got to the attachments - the cords - the anger, the dissappointment, the grief, the guilt and my thinking that I needed to suffer in tis way to learn what I needed to learn, which of course isn't true - life lessons don't have to be that hard - really.
It was funny what Randall said, maybe the two of us had an agreement - maybe the Slovenian came into my life to give me the reason and the courage to fight for my dream - is it a coincidence that of all the people I could have met on any beach in Australia, I met one who lived in Canada at the time - someone who made me see that I didn't have to be cruel to myself, 'are you a masochist?' were his excat words - to hold myself - to be more secure - I think back to that tale of the "Little Soul and The Sun" and swear that some how it all ties in - perhaps we did have an agreement before we came forth into this life - that he would come into my life and get me on track - on the right path - it's been a hard journey. It would be nice if he took something away from it too.
So there you go - no more negativity holding me in that space - nothing now but love and memories - I have to accept that they are just that, memories - no more fantasy - but I ain't gonna lie, I miss him - I miss the bones off him at the moment - I think I am just grieving - the way I should have done or could have done a decade ago but wouldn't let myself. I cry at the drop of a hat - feel empty - there's this vacuum to fill now - and this pie in the sky dream I had isn't going to come true - so now I have to find something to fill that void - but in the meantime I'm feeling a little lost. I went to my acupuncture session and burst into tears in front of the lovely lady. Oh well - what you gonna do hey? It's just a matter of time before I start venturing out again and meeting new people and having new experiences. Suka, my acupuncturist said that on some level I have chosen to be alone for all this time - and when I am ready, the right people, the right guy will turn up in my life.
So there you go - my Happy Ending :)
I will leave you with one of my all time favourites by Coldplay - listen to the words - they are truly beautiful - I hadn't heard the song in months and months and then I played in on my mp3 on the way to work on Tuesday - I was singing along the way I did before I met him - sitting on the beach in Byron Bay, up by the grass watching the waves roll in and out - happy times :)
I Love You.
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