I am bored out of my mind today - and I am surprised at how long it has been since I wrote on here. So here goes - what have I been up to? Well autumn is well and truly here, it's been pissing rain all day and I am so glad that I have been working from home today. I am such a miserable little thing when I have to go out in the rain - albeit I now have some hard ass rubber boots that make me feel like a military officer :)
People are starting to get ready for Christmas already and the party invites are out - I have bought my dress already and started my booty exercises on Monday night as it's rather 'form fitting' and I want to leave people with a nice impression! :)
So let's catch up on what happened with F&cknut! Yep that became his nickname a few weeks in - poor guy - feels kinda mean actually but oh well if the cap fits. So literally almost 4 weeks after I broke contact altogether and had found my 'happy' and in the words of Liz from Eat Pray Love, was feeling my balance, he text me - outa the blue - and asked how I was getting on - it was a complete shock to see a text from him as I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. It was a breezy 'how are you stranger' which kinda gets on my wick a bit, that whole 'stranger' thing just gets my back up cos I wouldn't be a stranger of you hadn't treated me like a piece of crap. Anyways, you must know me by now, I text him back a few hours later and he replied telling me that he was looking for work.
So now my head is in a spin - is he reaching out to me cos he knows that I can help him find work - or is he telling me that he has time to take me out on that date that we had spoken about weeks ago. I took as being a bit of both - but decided that he wasn't going to get in my good books again that easy and make him work for it this time. Told him that I was not about to let him off the hook and would keep things 'business' for now and that if he connected with me by email and let me know the type of thing that he was looking for, that I would do my best to help him.
Days passed - and nothing - and I just thought 'can't believe this wanker is doing this to me again'. I text him and asked if it had all been a ploy to get into my good books again and he said 'no' - that it was genuine and that he had just been busy. Ding ding ding went the alarm bells in my head - if finding work wasn't a priority, how could dating me ever be one?
I told him straight up that I was not getting trapped by his BS again - and that he was full of himself - likened him to that gold foil covered chocolate in the Milk Tray box and made it clear that I was not falling for it a second time. His reply was humble - that I was the stunning one and that he was just a simple guy - the funny thing is I can believe that about him as it's what my intuition hit on when we met - but still not sure what to make of the whole thing. Is it not supposed to be easier than this? Why has it taken us 3 months of texting and f'ing about? Isn't it supposed to be easier than this. Oh and if one more person says that he's just not that into me, I will shoot them or myself! :)
I finally plucked up the courage to ask him out for a drink - told him that we could keep it platonic to avoid any pressure - afterall we may not have liked each other in the end - after all so much time had passed. He said it was a great idea and would next week work - to which I replied, 'yes of course, just let me know which day'. This was Friday - by Tuesday night I still hadn't heard anything and now I was furious and humiliated.
The only thing left to do was to send him a very nice 'get f'd' text message and shut the lid on this thing once and for all - so that it exactly what I did. I figured that if I didn't, weeks from now he would come crawling back from from underneath his rock and f'ing with my head again - just because he knew he could and because he felt like it.
I never expected to hear back - next thing my phone beeps - text from him saying that he didn't understand my message as he has asked for a date on Wednesday night and this was my response. I sat down and thought 'Oh f&ck - he did text me and I missed it - or deleted it - and now I have sent him that very nice 'go to hell and lose my number text' so there is really no going back from this. But then I had a sense that he was lying - I haev no idea why, but the thought just pinged into my head - not sure why - was it just denial cos it made things better for me - or is that my usual 'go to' cos I knew that I had screwed things up. We exchanged a few more texts - he said that the text was in his sent items, I said I never saw it and then I just said that this whole things had pretty much sucked from the beginning and signed off 'best' as that is something he does which drives me nuts!!!! Don't 'best' me - it's almost as annoying as 'take care' - you don't mean it - it's not what you really want - you don't want this thing to end so why give me the 'take care'.
My conclusion is this - the two of us have f&cked about for so many weeks over this thing and that there has already been so much emotional turmoil, that it seems hard to just break away from all of that and get to a place which is light where you can just meet for a tea or glass of wine and start from the beginning. Don't get me wrong though, I am gutted cos I really liked this guy - but it just got complicated - complicated by text - I am not doing that anymore. In fact I met a guy two weeks ago - let's call him F&cknut Number 2 - we text a little for 2 days and then I told him I wasn't into this text thing and that he could call me if he wanted to get to know me - he said that he would.
Of course I never heard from him again - no loss this time!!! But moving forward that is going to be my tactic - if the guy can't pick up the phone then he's not worth it and probably has a couple other girls that he is doign the exact same thing with. Texting has become an addiction - like caffeine, tobacco and drugs - we all wait for the beep of that phone like it is a drug - filling up that space in our lives - the space that was used before waiting for the phone to ring - or for that email - or FB message - what a crock - we have forgotten what it is to communicate with people on a soul to soul level - where you can hear the inflection in the guy's voice - hear him laugh and have that mmmmm feeling in your hear - now it's all LMAO and LOL - and it all seems so very very sad.
I would love to pick up the phone to F&cknut and just talk to him - have a conversation - but the truth is that after 3 months of not hearing his voice, and having no real sense of who he is even after all the details that we have shared, I would not even know where to begin. And he wouldn't pick the phone up anyways cos he would shit a brick when he saw my name :)
Oh and the real biggie here - do you think he did text me - or do you think he didn't - do you think I missed the text or deleted it by accident????? Questions - questions - questions! F&ck me - I am so done with all of of this doubt all of the time - why why why why why - why is my life full of 'why's? :))
Oh yeah, movie recommendation: Albert Nobbs, and a great show I have been watching is 'Homeland'.
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