Wishes

 

 

They all come with lessons, these experiences called life. I came home last night after a couple of glasses of wine knowing exactly what I had to do, and it all coincided nicely with the 'Blue Moon' - not too sure what a 'Blue Moon' is but I do know that the night of a full moon is the best time to let go of old 'stuff' - to release. I removed him from LinkedIn - and how nuts does that sound, that one of the most painful things that I have done so far in years is to remove someone from my LinkedIn contacts - but so symbolic - I know that one day he will look as his 'whose looked at me list' and although he will see my name, I won't be there as a connection anymore. I wonder how he will feel if anything at all. You see for weeks now we have been playing a game of tennis, where one day he looks at my profile and a few days later I look at his - without an exchange of words. So I thought instead of being a dick, I would send him a text message - and did - and of course still no reply after 4 days. He probably had me down as some right deseprado by now - but in all honesty I don't care what he thinks as how could he know anything about me when we haven't exchanged anything but text messages in two months. But anyways back to the night of deleting him - and then I went and found the piece of paper that he had given me with his number on it - and thought about it long and hard before my fingers started doing the talking and shredded it and flung it in the toilet bowel.

 

Now let me be very clear none of this was easy for me - I cried and cried and cried - and cried even more when I went back and saw that the ink from the pen he had used had turned the water in the bowel a funny colour - I have no idea why that set me off. I have the contents of 2 Tesco's carrier bags hanging from my eyes today - and it doesn't really feel any better than it did yesterday. And I am still wondering and trying to make sense of why I have had such a tough time with this.

 

Why do we run from love - why did he run from love? Okay so if he ran from love then that means I run from love as he is a reflection of me otherwise I would not have attracted him into my life - and as I stood at the kitchen sink washing my dishes I remembered that as a child I would equate love to strings and attachments and some type of ownership and imprisonment - that some guy would some how trap me and want me to be his property - I have no idea why at such a tender age I had these notions. But that was it - the lightbulb moment - all the guys that I have ever truly fallen for have been the same way - here I am trying to love them and the more I love them, the faster they run - and run and run. Thinking that same thing that I did - that in some way I was trying to possess them, own them - take away their freedom.

 

 Nothing could be further from the truth - I don't want to own anybody. I heard something said in a movie yesterday, some cheesy chick flick about the number of guys some chick had slept with - 'What's your Number' I think - and in it she says 'Being In Love Means Being Yourself' - never a truer word spoken - aren't we all just looking for that 'special' someone that will ove us just the way we are. I feel like I am off topic as my thoughts are all over the place at the moment.

 

 Anyways when I woke this morning there was no regret - there was no 'Oh fuck what have I done?' as I know that I have done the right thing. I popped on my laptop to play my meditation music - it is something that I have started to do just recently as I feel that it is important to create that space for serenity and sanctuary to come into your morning so that it sets you up for the day - and I carried on looking at the links and my fingers found the most beautiful video I think I have ever seen - and a song that plays toward the end. OMG it is like 'heart music' - it also sounds like the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.

 

I've had it on replay all afternoon.

 

I'm going to say it and I know that some of you will think that I am crazy - but I think I was in love with him - and I don't mean the sticky love that comes from those words that people say often times when what they mean is 'don't ever leave me as I don't know what I would do without you' - it was the unconditional love that had opened up after my 'dating and sex' session 2 months ago - you see the thing is my heart was WIDE OPEN - probably the most open it has ever been - and I was happy that night when we met in that club - and when I saw him, I feel the connection instantly - and to hold him felt like the most natural thing I have ever done - and I didn't want to jump him - it felt purer than some base need to screw - I felt like I had found what I had been looking for - and even if just for those few hours when my heart stayed wide open and I have no recollection of saying goodbye a part of me wishes that we hadn't exchanged numbers - that all this fear and baggage had not had space to take root to destroy all that love. And I would have smiled at a memory instead of feeling this clamp in my chest right now - this heaviness that keeps me grounded in pain. But what I wish more than anything else in the whole world is that I had never told a soul about him - not a thing - na-da - I wish that I had not opened myself up to their doubts and their experiences and their bullshit - that's what I wish.

 

So that is my take-away from all of this - for once in my life to keep shut - and to listen to my own guidance.

 

I have attached the link to the song that I found this morning - the lyrics are beautiful - and if you go to the second link you will hear it play alongside the awesome video I found too (play it from 48 minutes along until the end if you are pushed for time). Is there ever a doubt that He guides us to find what we need just when we need it? I don't think so :)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdCRtQTL6LM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEk0bamXv6k&feature=related