The reason why I look to blame myself Krystal is simple - because I do blame myself - because on some level I knew how he would treat me - I knew that he would get to a point where he had no value in me whatsoever - I knew that I would go back to him time and time again and let him destroy me - I knew that no matter what I intuited, or what my soul was telling me to do most clearly that I would keep going back for more - to be ignored - and treated like shit - to keep battering myself up against him - begging from the inside out for him to like me - for him to want me - for him to understand me - for him to talk to me - for him to just talk to me - for him to save me - yes, for him to save me - to save me from myself - to hold me by the wrists as I knelt on the floor and to pull me up - to carry me - oh please God, just to carry me just for a few steps because the load is more than I can bare most of the time - what I have done is too much - what I let happen was too much - what I let him do was too much - and I let him do that to me - I let him do that to me.
I used to walk up those stairs knowing what would take place - knowing that in just moments I would be looking up at that poster wishing I was somewhere else, somebody else - my soul so far out of my body that I am not even sure where it used to go. Why do I blame myself Garry? Cos I let him do that to me - I didn't stop him - I didn't tell him to get off me - I didn't stay downstairs with my Grandma - I didn't go into the garden with my GrandPa - I didn't opt to stay downstairs and watch TV - I went up there time and time again - and then you have the classic response that I was a child - and that I didn't know any better and that he should have known - well you know what every cell in my being intuited what was going to happen and I did nothing to stop it - NOTHING! I let him do that to me - with my cousins and my brother standing there - and you know what by God now I think I know why my broether looks at me that way - why he looks at me with those eyes - why he resents me and is angry with me - it's cos I fucking did nothing - how could he not have known on some level what was happening to me?
That's why he rejects me.
And all I want HIM to do it to appreciate me - to see me - to value me.
Fuck me I think what I have just written is the single most profound thing that has just made the most sense to me.
So what now Krystal? What do I do now to get passed almost 40 years of programming? What do I do to get passed the learned behaviour that is in my cells - how do I get passed how I have let myself down? How do I get passed the lowsy choices I have made? How do I forgive myself for the times that I have text again and again and again in the hope that this time, maybe this time he will like me - maybe this time he will send me a smile - maybe this time he will take me out for that drink - maybe this time he will make that effort - maybe this time he will ask me a question - maybe this time he will see me.
Two days ago I made a vow to myself as I held the photo of me when I was just 6 months old - sitting in my white dress - blue cardigan and little red shoes - I vowed that I will never ever let a man use me again - I will never ever offer my body to a man again who has not taken the time to look into my eyes and see who I am - I vowed that I will never again ignore my inner guidance - that voice that speaks to me and tells me that he doesn't value me - and now by God I am going to honour that vow. You see it's like this Garry, the more I begged him to see me and like me, the more I tried to force that to happen - the more I needed for him to understand me - to just talk to me and get to know me - the more he felt 'desperation' - it must have felt like desperation to him - it certainly wasn't what was coming from me - what was coming from me was the purest most innocent search to connect with someone - again to connect with someone beyond the need to just hop into bed - well we can conclude that it didn't work out for me this time.
And at this time I can only imagine who that 'successful' man will be - I'm not looking for your regular 'Tom, Dick or Harry' - I am looking for a someone who has embraced his own heart - has embraced compassion and does not run from love - someone who is ready to make a commitment to us - and every time he sees that panic in my eyes, the same panic that that bastard used to see, he will grab me by the wrists and lift me from the floor and carry me - carry me for the few steps that I need to be carried until one day I realize that it wasn't my fault - that I don't need to keep punishing myself - carry me until that moment I believe that the world is safe - carry me until I believe it is safe to love - until I am safe.
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