Just finished watching 'The Tourist' - bit meh if you ask me, few funny moments with Johnny Depp - but what was going on with his hair? It looked bl**dy awful!!!!! The scenery was very close to that that I saw in an old Katherine Hepburn movie - lovely film called 'Summertime'.
So it's been a while hey since I last had chance to write - the last 3 weeks have been nothing short of a mix of happiness and a complete and utter nightmare - new job as you know, trip to Calgary which included my little speech at the table which did not end with me in favor with a certain group of people; back to Vancouver and a birthday that just flew by with me not having a moment in 'presence' the whole day and then moving onto a commute to my new office for the next 2 months - which of course I hate. I have literally had mornings where I have burst out crying, from sheer lack of sleep and being back in this matrix - a life that appears to belong to something outside of myself and dashing from one place to the next. It's been awful.
By the time I got on the massage table yesterday I was just full of knots and felt like a statue - stiff and motionless. I have been having emotional outbursts because I simply have not been able to cope. So the session yesterday was much needed - although today I do feel like I have been kneaded like a blob of bread dough. I am doing all I can to save myself from that 'Sunday dread' - we all know the one - as we do the countdown to bedtime and life being taken over again. This has to change - first it was the angst to find a job - not it's the search to find one that actually makes me happy - and it would be unfair to say that I don't enjoy my work - it's just not enough! Too much has happened in my life, I have reached a time where it simply is not enough to just earn a living. I know that I tried really hard this time to make sure that the new position resonated - I had my doubts going in - but from the drama and lack of professionalism just 3 weeks into this thing, I know that the decision may not have been the best.
But then - I'm not sure, because I have learnt a lot about myself the last few weeks - things that I did already know but when compounded into a 3 week window, certain events have left me a bumbling wreck. But today I woke up with a smile on my face - and thanks to my session yesterday I am ready to take on the world and all the joys in it. It's surprising how when we need it the most, we don't find the time to exercise or meditate or just to simply relax - I for one haven't given myself the 15 minutes a day that would have helped me deal with things so much better.
So let me do my best to recall events of the last 2 weeks.
We went to Calgary and I had to be up at 4.30am just to get ready for the frigging flight - I was pissed beyond belief - so we got to the airport 2 hours before the internal flight - by internal I mean in the same country - and would you believe it, no line-up's, no queues and absolutely no need to have gotten up at 'crazy o'clock' - I knew that too but they all just kept going on and on - like I really want to spend more time with them than I need to.
We checked in and made our way to breakfast - I made sure that I wasn't sitting next to VPL but could not get away from her partner in crime - I feel that I should call them both minger and munter - so moving forward let's just call them m&m - so I ordered my breakfast how I like it - didn't realize that it would be such a source of amusement for m&m who proceeded to make fun of me, roll their eyes about their heads and exchange smirks. I felt it right in my chest and stomach - a giddiess and I was in that 'fight flight' mode that is not new to me - I felt like an 8 year again at school, kids making fun of me, like the odd one out, being bullied and I just wanted to go and get my suitcase and just go home - the tears were welling up inside my body but there was literally nowhere I could run to. So I just thought 'f*ck it, I'm gonna say something' and I did - I asked them what amused them so much - and I got that they found the way I ordered food funny!!!!!!! The way I ordered food funny?!? Really? These were mean girls, nasty mean bullies who were making fun out of me because they have evidently hit every single branch falling down off the ugly tree - so now the only way they could find to empower themselves was by putting me down.
I was furious and upset and devastated all at the same time. The key thing I had said to my boss before starting this job was that environment was really important to me as I had experienced this kind of thing before - and here I am again!!!!! Pissed to the max!!!!
I honestly think that certain people feel threatened by the fact that I know what I want - even the simple case of how I wanted my eggs done - the awareness is threatening because they don't want to take the time out to get to know who they are - like the 'Runaway Bride' - just exactly how do you like your eggs? That film was a huge jolt for me because I was that girl, always morphing into what other people wanted me to be and never knowing who I was. I've spent a decade working on that piece and more recently on my boundaries and these b%tches were not going to get one over me this time. They didn't need to know how much my stomach churned inside when I saw them and how I cried because I couldn't understand why they were attacking me.
It was like this the whole trip - walking up a corridor when they were coming the other way we didn't exchange a word and when we had actually gotten to the airport, I had to share a cab with them - sod's law - I didn't speak the whole time. Nasty pieces of work. So we all had to listen to VPL going on and on and on and on the whole 2 days of the program - bored me sh&tless she did - she just sucks the energy out of a room. By 4pm the second day, afetr listening to her bullsh&t about teamwork and working together and blah blah blah, I felt it in my core, it was churning and I was getting nervous and before you knew, I opened my mouth in front of a round table of 20 people and vocalized how un-welcoming my first few days at the office had been - I simply could not stop talking - now I had started!!!! I was a little mortified but it was like an out of body experience. Of course when I directed that unpleasant welcome at the whole team, I did actually just mean m&m. And of course it started a riot and the whole room went quiet after she had retaliated and thrown a couple of people under the bus.
So there I was, not even 2 weeks in, probably having gotten a huge black mark on my HR file - and truthfully, I don't give a sh&t!!!! So I was the odd one out again - meh!!!!! :) I got some support from a couple of people in the camp, the Calgary team of course by now thought that Vancouverites were just a bunch of cold, heartless w*nkers and will probably never take us up on the offer to come here.
This last week was not much better in terms of the move to another office. We now have to fight with the 7.30am traffic in the mornings to get to a pit of a suburb - in the middle of an industrialized area, with huge huge trucks speeding past you and hundreds and hundreds of crow feathers on the grass verges. I kid you not, I have never seen anything like it before. I thought there had been a massacre, perhaps a lawnmower had ploughed down a whole group of them. But no, apparently this is quite normal. Oddly enough every single night, you can see the migration of hundreds of crows - they fly passed my window to go there to sleep. I wonder why they all go there? Bizarre!
So onto my birthday - I had an awesome day to be fair - it just came and went far too quickly. I don't feel like my feet touched the ground. I almost wish in hindsight that I had taken the day off before the big day just to get back in my body again - get pampered and get my massage then - we all know what they say about hindsight :) I woke up and opened the only 2 cards that managed to get here due to the postal strike but no complaints, at least I got them and they were from my Mom and Dad - so very important to me. I phoned my Brother and spoke to my lovely friends at home and then listened to a tonne of tracks on youtube whilst reading the messages on facebook - it was really nice :))
My friend and I ended up taking a walk Downtown and having lunch together and before we knew it, it was 4pm and time to get home to get ready. I was going to wear my most sparkly dress ever - unbeknown to me the washing of that dress had caused it to go so soft that it literally started to hang downwards with the weight of all the sequins and I was in and out of the washroom most of the evening to hoist the straps up with safety pins so that I wouldn't be showing too much cleavage. I was mortified - for me a huge wardrobe malfunction - I'm so gutted - that was my favourite dress in the world, but as I keep telling myself, it's just time to buy a new one :)
We got to the restaurant and slowly but surely the 10 space table started to fill out - one by one my friends arrived. I got cards and pressies and it was all so lovely :) The weather was awesome - beautiful sunset and really nice food - one of my friends bought me one of those whipped cream shots which I had to down without touching the glass - which I managed of course ;) And by about 11.30pm and after a lot of photos and laughs, the night wrapped up quite nicely. BUT - of course I had to have a paddy, we were supposed to go dancing and noone wanted to go - of course I didn't insist so I can't be too upset but by the time almost everyone had gone home, I just burst out crying and could not stop. My friends even bundled me into their car to bring me home to change to take me somewhere else and I still couldn't stop - missing home I was - missing my family and best friends at home to be honest! I was gutted that they hadn't been there to share my big day. It just wasn't the same! But I have to say that the couple at the end of the night took really good care of me, and I am eternally grateful. We went on to have more drinks, laughed and even did a rendition of 'Get into the Groove' by Madonna :)
Next day I joined them again - we went to an awesome restaurant - right on the beach and ate oysters - 'appy hour' they call it and basically you can get oysters for a dollar each so we stuffed out on them. My girl friend was at boot camp so we met up with her after for another drink and met her smoking hot instructor - very very yummy - but trouble with a capital 'T" :) Enjoys sex apparently - and red wine - and burgers - as hot as he was, I knew in seconds it could only lead to trouble for me so I did my best to ignore him every time he attempted to engage me in conversation - or was I just playing hard to get?!??? :)
Anyways - been lovely chatting - gotta eat and recall the next installment. I'm going to find another movie to watch and just relax - 5.30pm already. In fact, I'm gonna watch my fave - Eastenders :) Ciao
No comments:
Post a Comment