The 80's

Her childhood was awkward with very little respite - she was still carrying a secret with her - something that she had not shared with anyone, not her Parents ot her younger Brother - on a couple of occasions she had 'taken' things that didn't belong to her - on reflection probably a cry for help - but with Mom and Dad busy tending to the business and what needed to be done on a day to day basis - it was up to the two children to take care of each other and there was no time to delve into feelings.

An acquaintance told to her during a healing session some 25 years later, that she had chosen the 'pure' path - an honorable path - a choice that others make under the same circumstances that takes them on a very different route. Childhood was not easy, going to school a few miles away from their family home and with the shop being closer to the school than it was the home, it meant that brother and sister spent many an hour tucked away in the little pantry watching the little black and white TV when they got home from school - jumping for joy when the clock turned to 6 o'clock and they could finally go home. She was a very bright and clever girl, doing well in maths and english, and someone who loved gym classes - she was a shy girl though - blessed with the love of her family but still shy.

Respite finally came when she was 10 - during a project at school when she met a girl in class when working on a painting upstairs in the corridor at school. She loved spending time with her - and I think that for the first time, she felt safe - she knew from that very young age that she could trust this girl - and they became very dear friends - and are still best friends to this day. They would link arms walking to school in the morning - and then do the same walking home at night - and then they would hang out in the evening too after school which meant the absolute world to her. Standing outside the shop, the girls would share stories - and sometimes even get some homework done! :)

So the end of comprehensive school came in no time - crushes on John Taylor and Nick Taylor from Duran Duran - listening to Spandau Ballet, A-Ha and Culture Club - she and her friends were starting to define themselves with what music they listened to and what clothes they wore. Ra-ra skirts came and went, and she had at least 4 of them in various colours - shoulder pads and y-jumpers - jumpers with the big 'V' down the back rather than the front - and running from one class to the next at school, triggered by the bell - a crush on a boy that practically evey girl in that year fancied who she now hears has none of his former glory :) Followed by 6th form and the change in music and culture - dance music was just starting to be the next 'big thing' - and she finally started to turn the heads of boys at school. Not completely sure why this was happening, perhaps she was just happy for the most part and funny sometimes too :) But something definitely shifted - and it was around this time where she had her first 'real crush' with a boy from biology class. They would exchange notes, which before long became notes in code - ones that she would rush home to decipher - he was her first kiss - although her shyness rang through as the first one was smacked on his cheek - failing to get anywhere near his lips - she hadn't a clue what she was doing - and the pressure was well and truly on. So this crush thing carried on - he was still very much into her - and it wasn't long before she began to realize that for her at least, this love thing really did suck - he started to date another girl - a girl who was allowed out in the evenings and could go to the local pub for a drink - she was not of course - coming from a very strict home, on top of which drinking was definitely out of the question.

But still he sent her a note one school afternoon - the one that said that 'I think I love you' - and she was so so happy - for now as much as a 17 year old can, she loved him too. He had asked her to stand in the window of the shop the next morning when he drove passed - if she was there then it meant that she too felt the same way. Of course she was there in that window that Saturday morning as he drove by - driving to his Saurday job. She had butterflies in her stomach - loved up and beaming - she had found her 'happy' and she was loved!!!!!

So not many months passed before it all turned to $hit - he went off to university at the age of 18 leaving her at home - he sent her a letter one day saying that he had moved on - and that it would be wise for her to do the same thing - reading that as she shut the door to her bedroom, she sat on her bed and told herself over and over again that this love thing was not for her - that happiness was something fleeting and that it would be snatched away from her in the end anyway - so why bother - and it was in that moment - that precise moment that she started to build the walls brick by brick around her heart - vowing that no one would ever make her hurt like that again.

A year later she went to university herself - just 3 weeks in, she met a boy, quite possibly the first that showed her any attention and started to date him - damaged, insecure and with very little self-worth, carrying the guilt from her childhood - with little or no boundaries she fell blindly into an abyss with this boy - a relationship that would take her years to break free from.  

The Brilliant Man

She met him for the first time at the age of 7 - the first of her Mom's family - Mom's brother in fact. He had come round in the evening in a black cab - not many people travelled in cabs in them days. Through those 7 year old eyes, she was dazzled by his brilliance - as he sat there in the arm chair and to his left the TV was on - 'Miss World' was on. He was no doubt someone very special for her parents were the happiest that she had known them for a long time - Dad's tone was upbeat and happy - and there was a buzz in the air. He was staying for the night - the ship that he was working on was docked in Portsmouth for a couple of days.

She went to her Mom and Dad's shop the next day after school - and he was still there, this 'Brilliant Man' - he looked all shiny and new - he had a glow and in some funny crazy kind of say, she almost kinda fell in love with him - as a child does sometimes - he was that tall dark and handsome that she had seen in the ladybird books at school - Sleeping Beauty - the picture that she had traced as a child - Sleeping Beauty with her golden dress - to this day she can smell those books in the library - her own personal and private sanctuary - a space of peace amidst all of the turmoil in her short life so far. She hadn't told anyone what was happening - no one.

So there he was - and he picked her up and lifted her higher than she had ever been in her life before - to the top of the stand where the chocolates were - and there she took a brightly wrapped Quality Street chocolate from the metal box. She was the happiest she had been in a long time.

Just one year later - she went to India - Delhi - and in that searing heat she got off the plane with her Mom and Brother and was thrown in amongst the madness and chaos of the crowd - she had never seen anything like it before - people scantily clad - men only of course - wiping their brows with white cloths - women strewn about the floor - those that couldn't get a seat and kids crying - also overwhelmed with the heat and needing sleep - this was India - this was nothing like she had expected and of course nothing like her home. It was going to be such an adventure. And then the men carrying suitcases on the tops of their heads - cases that were almost twice the size that they were - she stood there and thought that she was going to hate every minute from here on in.

Then her Mom told her that her family was there - and the little girl looked up - and through the glass, she could see her family waving to her - people that she had never seen before - a Grandfather who she had never seen was beaming down at them all and waving - she was now thrilled in a way that was so new to her. And then there in with that group of strangers, she saw him, the 'Brilliant Man' :) By the time they got to their family, they were weary and in need of drinks and food - in had been a long haul - and there was hours of waiting ahead of them before the bus was leaving in the morning. So now it was their turn to lay on the plastic chairs in the waiting room - the hot sticky and crowded waiting room - looking at the sad looking clock on the wall - knowing that there were hours before anything exciting was going to happen. And then her uncle, the 'Brilliant Man' came over to her and said that he was going to take her for a walk. A walk she thought - starting to get fraught and feeling the pangs of anxiety well up in her stomach. The mixture of excitement and turmoil brewing in her tummy - and they walked the length of the waiting room - got some tea and then stood and looked at a miniature Indian Doll in a window with it's red frock on.

They both ventured outside and took in the night air - it was quiet for a moment - stillness - and moreso in her mind as they walked step after step as he held her hand as they walked - she could feel that daunting feeling of unsafety as they approached some swings. They sat and spoke - words that she cannot recall and all the time she kept thinking "I wonder what will happen" - she didn't feel all over safe - however after sharing the conversation of a child to a young adult, they went back, merrily back to the rest of the family - there had been nothing to fear - she was safe!

That trip to India that summer was the happiest time for both of those children - they had never been more loved - the only thing that had been missing the whole time was their Dad - a huge gaping hole for them as they loved him so very much - and back then there were hardly any phones, no internet and no cell phones for sure. Her uncle used to take her all about town on his scooter - and she would stand on it, tucked in behind the handle bars - safe and sound - while her brother was with the other one of the three brothers - they had both picked their favourite uncles you see :) Quite lovely! They would drive here and there and go and get kulfi before bed time - and another savoury Indian dish - and everyone about town and I mean EVERYONE knew her uncle - the 'Brilliant Man' - he was over 6 foot tall and would have to tip his head to one side to get in the door of the house - again something new to her :) He treated her like gold - carried her in his arms to the doctor when she was sick and did just about all he could to make her happy - took her shopping and even let her put make up on him - and I mean full from lipstick to eye shadow - as kids do!!! :)

Just a few years later, she went back again with her Mom and Brother - when they were leaving after the month long trip, she stood on the flat bricked roof of their family home waiting for him to come and see her before they left for the airport - she was waiting for him to come and say goodbye - and over that Indian sky and listening to the prayers from the mosque just across the street - and looking through the mosaic of bricks in the wall, she knew he wasn't going to come - she knew somehow and somewhere deep in her heart that she was never going to see him again - she was devastated and could not fathom why he had not made the effort to come and see her for she adored her uncle so very much.

Two years later, she came home from school, and turning that corner and walking passed their car like she always did - she would always look up to the window and see her Mom serving the kids - sweets and crisps and chocolates - only this time Mom was not at the window - Dad was there in his overall - something she was not used to and when he looked at her, she had knots in her stomach, she knew that something was wrong. Walking in - she looked at their faces again - intuition kicking in. She took the small steps to the back of the shop and up and through to the kitchen - there was Mom standing - all upset and looking like she had been crying - and then Dad followed.

The little girls' 'Brilliant Man' was no more - he had gone - dead - he had been taken away. And as that girl stood there and listened to this, her insides crushed and her heart broke into tiny pieces - the only thing that she loved more than her own little family was him - and now he was gone - the one thing that she had chosen as hers' was gone - and that day and at that time her faith in God and her belief in all those fairy tales she had read as a little girl were shattered. Many many many years later - with that same broken and shattered heart, she met the second man that ever took her hand - and that little girl that was now inside of that beautiful woman looked up and saw the most beautiful smile she had ever seen in her life - and with the blue sky above her, and her knees weak like jelly, her heart full and singing, the happiest moment yet in her whole life, and with Sydney Harbour Bridge in the back drop - the feeling of dread grew inside her - 'would this too be taken away?'.

Sometimes the devastating thing is not just in the loss - but in the missed communication - and the people that have come and gone who never knew how deeply and profoundly they touched your heart.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was supposed to have written this some hours ago but got caught up watching 'Crazy Stupid Love' - what an hysterically funny film and Ryan Gosling wins my 'Phwwwooooaaaarrrr Award' this weekend :)

I spent Saturday buying myself a new flat screen TV - I figured it was time to be a 'grown up' and get in with the times - it is rather nice - I've caught myself admiring it a few times and so then I had to run out and get the right cords so that I can hook my laptop up to it and watch Corr'rs and Eastenders on the big screen - it was like being back at home again this afternoon at my Mom and Dad's - sitting on the couch. However here I was leaning on a hot water bottle with my right shoulder - I have pulled a muscle some how and it really has been quite painful. Oh and then I dropped the corner of the 26 inch box TV on my foot yesterday as I was dragging it to my car for recycling - honest to goodness there are times when I really wish there was a man about the house. I had a big green bruise on my foot and all the veins were popping out which only went to emphasize the swelling - luckily it has been fine today. Shared that story with my Mom earlier and she was dumbfounded that there was no one here to help me with it - oh well - when needs must you just have to get on with it whatever way you can.

I have had a lot of emotional shifts since my massage last week - of course having healing energy work on your body by a shaman is never an easy feat - truly brings up all kinds of stuff . I learnt why that happens when a friend of mine told me that muscles store memories - hence the fact that emotions stir. Matthew said something last week that helped me remember that ironically we forget to be 'in our power' sometimes. I came to that realization just this morning - I was beginning to get increasingly frustrated listening to tales of woe and 'worry' and 'this is wrong' and 'that is wrong' - frustrated truthfully at myself more than at any other person because people are afterall acting as a mirror - so it just meant that that was what was going on inside me - when I get that piece it's hard for me sometimes to get to a space where I can just forgive myself and everyone that has managed to rattle me and move on - 'thoughts create things' - I know this first hand.

My very first experience of this fact was when I was at school - less than 13 or 14 years old - we have a store at home called Argos - and they were probably the only place when we were kids that had a catalogue that you could take home. As a young girl, I would love looking at the jewelry and the other trinkets and beauty items - there was a pair of clear crystal drop ear-rings in there that I used to look at a lot because I really liked them and hence really wanted them. Christmas time I got those exact ear-rings given to me by a friend - those exact ear-rings! And then the same thing happened with a silver box. Law of Attraction!!!! Isn't that why so many people now have vision boards where they have pictures of all the things that they want and then look at it to attract those things into their lives? I am going off on a tangent - but to get back to my point - it just shows how powerful we are as humans - and just how powerful thought is.

And what do we do? We spend our time worrying about the little things and the big things - cos of things that we have heard, or read, or been told, or taught - or whatever! We have, most of us, lost our own guidance system and been pulled into a space of fear - and the big thing for me here with this is that 'what you think about - you bring about' - so spend enough time on that and you will create it in your reality. I watch my Mom go through it - in cycles - she almost always has something that she is 'carrying' around - which frustrates me because she is one of the strongest women I know - and if she just spent that same time focusing on something postive, the results would be the 'proof in the pudding' - we can all do it - the power of prayer or meditation - whatever your meditation is - it could be a walk around the block - a half hour on the treadmill - writing or reading - whatever stills your mind enough to get you to that quite space - in stillness - where you can hear your own heart beat and realize what an incredible miracle you are - we all are. And yet we give that power up every single day when we worry - it's simple - if you don't feel good thinking whatever it is you are thinking - it is simply not good for you to be thinking that thing!!!!! Ta-da!!!!! Oh and don't get me wrong - I can still be a compulsive worrier - I was doing it for the best part of this work week - I got the permanent job and somebody else didn't - so what do I do? Give my power away to appease that certain someone so that he could feel better! WTF!!!!!! I had to reel myself in and be in my power - this is mine!!! I have created this amazing new job and opportunity for myself and deserve it - and going back to my previous blog - realizing that 'something bad is not going to happen!' - that was the big piece for me - HUGE in fact.

So there it is - my gift this week - 'I am in my POWER' :)

Oh and I did head out again on Friday night to celebrate the news of being taken on permanently at work - we went somewhere we had not been in a very very long time - and hey presto - had a really great time - nice food and nice wine and it was 'happy hour' so dirt cheap too - I even had a couple of tequila shots :) Home by 9pm again so nothing too crazy and my friends carried on into the night. And back to work tomorrow - we had an extra day off today for Thanksgiving - it comes earlier here than it does in the U.S.

So there you have it - a tough week or so - and I have felt deeply troubled and had my emotional ups and downs - but there is always something good to focus on - and my lesson - forgiveness is the key thing to letting things go - for me at least - It was still erking me thinking about that Kelowna trip - but honestly, we all do the best that we can in any given moment - and if we had known better we would have done better.

Oh and before I sign off - I am told that there is going to be an awesome Christmas Party at work - and it's a 'black tie do' which I am thrilled about as there are never enough occasions to get dressed up for in Vancouver - and the talent in the office - and in the building just seems to be getting better and better!!!! So I am now working on attracting a super hot date for Crimbo :) And I got checked out by a couple of hotties at the grocery store - so must be doing something right! :)

Carry Me

Sitting there peacefully, grateful for that Friday feeeling and applying my mascara - I remembered the date.

October 7th - My Uncle's birthday - he died when I was just 13 years old - a moment in my life that defined my relationship with God for many years to come - and led me to believe that happiness was just a fleeting moment - my heart still hurts when I think of him.

And the day I left my Slovenian in Sydney, Australia after flicking him the finger and throwing his lotion from the window.

Some days you just want to curl up in a ball in the farthest nook of the closet and cry - this is my day - and I pray that God carries me today xx