The Illusion

A deep sadness has loomed over me for weeks now - weeks - days - hours - minutes - night after night just me, myself and I - and my questions - lots and lots of questions. You know when you have forgotten what it feels like to belly laugh - and find peace? I haven't heard a peep from the guy - not a thing - not a text - not a missed call - nothing at all! And yes, you have to have as sense of perspective - but I'm sure we've all been there - I can't help getting back to the same point, if I just knew what had happened, why he changed his mind, in fact if anything changed, or did he just not have the gumption to follow through - would it not have been fair just to let me know that he made up his mind and decided to stay in the situation that he was in? Or should I just assume because of the silence?

One evening this week, I was sitting here watching the 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' - honestly it's just about the only time that I stop thinking over and over and over - I think half the reason I do that is cos I have nothing else going on - it's different isn't it when you're around family - life happening - or kids to cook tea for - or errands to run - or friends popping by - just something - life? And I was so lost in my thoughts seconds after the show finished, that I knew the only way to stop the 'monkey mind' was to do my meditation - so that is exactly what I did - I prayed first that God point me in the right direction - provide me with some answers.

I lay down in bed and talked to myself - as I used to when I was a little girl - and I listened to my story - bottom line is is that I am feeling really really hurt - I'm hurting - maybe because I am feeling rejected, not good enough, abandoned or just plain confused. How do you go from such a lovely day to an exchange albeit over the cell phone to 'nothingness'? I was so confused. So I started to look at the situation from the outside - away from all the fantasy - and illusion - the illusion and fantasy tale that I myself had created. And it came to me - crystal clear - I had created this whole story - making him the 'ideal' - 'the one' - the one I was meant to be with - the foundation of that being the amount of times fate had brought us together - surely that was proof enough!?!  But then stepping out of the illusion and the movie that I had created, I asked myself 'so how would it really go now if he did text me, how would it go if we did meet up for a drink?'.

I am not sure that there is a single thing that he could say to me that could compensate for the hurt that I have felt over the past few weeks - not a thing - even 'sorry' would miss the mark unless he was about to own his stuff - and then would we really be able to sit there and have that candid a conversation? And then imagine the coffee date, lying there I pictured it - even with all the pleasantries, part of me would be hissing - again hurting over the time that has passed by and him leaving me with 'nothing' by way of closure. Smile on my face - but deep down I would know that he has done something to me that feels so cruel - because it reminds me so much of how the Slovenian treated me - and with that knowledge you know the something that I know? I know that he could do it to me again and again and again. Once bitten twice shy. I have been driving myself crazy insane over someone I know nothing about - I don't know his favourite colour, movie, song, food - nothing!!!!!  I haven't even touched him - and here I am creating an illusion. Putting him into the deluded picture of bliss that I have in my head that never materialises anyway.

My definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I figure bollocks to him - the story and the illusion - bollocks to that story I had written and high time that I found me a new one - one that is forged in reality - where I actually have a 'Happy Ending' for me! And now what, what will happen when I see him at the next work event, or the next Xmas party - well I'll do what I know how to do - I will glaze my eyes over and look straight through him as if I am looking through a window - and he will never ever know the hurt he caused me - the hurt I caused me.

I remember a friend of mine once said to me 'you only have to get it right once' - I guess my panic is will I ever get it right at all?

And I hope now that I can finally wake from the sadness that swept over me for days and days and days.

Apart from that not much else has been going on - not that I've been aware of anyways - I have bought myself 10 hot yoga classes and will do my best to get back to classes over the long weekend. All my favourite shows have started up for the spring, 'Mad Men' and 'Game of Thrones'. Work is going well - some challenges but nothing too crazy. The cherry blossom is out and the leaves are starting to bud on the trees outside my apartment window which is super nice to see. Spring is finally here :)

I found this link during the week - how timely :) Have a lovely week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYPK985IQYM&feature=related

Sometimes he really does knock on the front door - part two

So where were we? Oh yeah - so we've just got back from the morning out of the office - and I received a text message from him cos I had left my water bottle in his van - have I said this before? I can't remember. So he had sent me a text to say that he had dropped it off upstairs for me - I joked with him saying that it has just been a ploy cos honest to goodness the thought had crossed my mind to do that so that he would be in touch :) I didn't think that I would actually leave it there in my angst as I was falling out if the van :) I text back the next day asking him if it was quiet without my nuisance, and it just went slowly but surely from there. All week saying nice things to each other - fun things - and by the weekend we were still in a good spot. Of course it felt wrong though too knowing that he had this weekend away planned with his girlie - but it's like anything that feels good, you just don't want to give it up!

The weekend was strange though - I felt us dis-connect - not sure if it was my own insecurities or what - my own doubts - and projecting my stuff on him - but not hearing from him that day, all the thoughts in my head began to come from a negative space - like I was playing an old movie of stuff that has happened to me in the past. So yep - I created it by expecting it. Monday I got that text that he wanted to do the right thing and take a step back until things were sorted out with the girl. At first I was mature about the whole thing - until my ego took over and I then sent a text that was a little 'bitchy' - and of course not long after I got the dreaded 'maybe this ain't gonna work' rubbish - so there you have it - I'd f**ked it up - royally. I was a hot mess for days - thinking back on it and wishing to goodness that I had never said that to him - but it was too late now. And that is pretty much where things have been left for now - I haven't heard from him since - and in all fairness I haven't said anything either. I could of course kick myself for the way things are at the moment - but one good thing has come out of it, at least now I have been able to deal with all the emotional stuff that it triggered.

I hope that we do get to talk some time soon - it would be an awful shame if that really was it - f**king nightmare this relationship stuff - when will I ever get it right and stop acting out? - out of panic and fear - cos that is what happened. Wish I knew what triggers that - I get like that a lot actually :(

I went to see my tarot lady last week and she saw him in the cards straight away - so let's wait and see if what she said comes true :) I'll keep that under my hat for now.

This posting is gonna be a short one - I know that's lame but it's late Sunday night and I am feeling a bit on edge for some reason and am gonna head to bed and do my meditation - feeling anxious for some reason.

My friend has also introduced me to another guy - from Toronto which is freaking miles away - but it does act as a distraction - he does send an awful lot of text messages though - too many in fact - I think day one I got about 30 messages and the same on day two - all or nothing isn't it. It's kinda freaked me out a bit - I mean who has all that time to be texting? - don't know why people don't just pick up the phone and talk to each other. I said that too. He sent another one today about noonish, but I just said I was heading out the door - otherwise 2 more hours of thumb ache.

So that's me - nothing too crazy to share - I've been mega busy at work - working on some really senior stuff and am in a really good place :) Happy that the days are longer - our clocks went forward last week - so spring is in the air and the cherry blossoms are out already.

Okay - that's all for now - have a lovely week - and now that my evening shows are all finished I hope to be writing more often again! :)

Sometimes he really does just knock on the front door

I was sitting there at the end of the table waiting to be told who I would be out on the road with - clock had just turned to 7.55am and I had a face like a smacked bum - I had been up since 4am - sketched out and pissed that I would have to do this thing, this 'ride' thing for the whole morning. Truth is, I was just being a princess. I had got a cab there to avoid the risk of parking and having to walk in the pissing rain - it was absolutely chucking it down. And just as the clock struck 8, in he walked and my heart near fell out of my chest as I turned away, telling myself 'be cool, be cool' - don't look at him - my eyes would have given the game away - I was suddenly thrilled to be there and praying in my head that I would end up in the van with him.

Months ago, in fact back in September of last year there had been something up with my digital cable box - so it meant that sometimes I was able to get the movies on demand, and other times I wasn't. So working for a cable company and all, my colleague set up a service technician to come out to my home and find out what was going on. So I waited - and waited - and waited - until finally just before the close of the 5pm to 8pm window, I got a call from the 'cable guy'. By now I was in my comfy clothes, hair up in a bun and probably not even a scrap of make-up on my face, I can't quite recall - I do hope though that I had taken the paper-clip like hair grips that I use to keep my fringe from my face off :) And in he walks - this 6 foot something piece of 'lovely' was standing there in my apartment - and all I could think was 'F**k I look a mess' :) He was training some other guy, so there were in fact 2 of them. He was very factual and knowledgeable and of course I shared the fact that I worked in the Downtown location of the same company - and of course neither one of us could over step a boundary due to the work thing - plus the fact that there was another guy in the room too. So he said that he would call me in a couple of days to make sure that everything was okay.

And in fairness, he did call, and I did think that that was one great bit of customer service - but maybe he felt that he had to do that as we work for the same company. I didn't call him back - didn't see the point - afterall what would I have in common with a technician? - I do know how awful that sounds in hindsight - but it was how I justified things at the time. I did tell my colleague how 'fine' the technician was and left it at that.

Just a few weeks later we had our quarterly meeting just across the street - must have been about 300 of us in total - some of us from the office and some of us technicians - and yes, you guessed it - he was there! I was kinda hoping he'd see me, but it wasn't meant to be and there was no way on earth that I was going to go up there and introduce myself to him - but my colleague got a look at him and agreed with me - a fine and very lovely guy :)

Which leads me to the Christmas party - I was stuck with 'Mr Boring' all night - my colleague had obviously taken some sleeping pills before venturing out that night - he was such a bore - I wished I had taken one of my girlfriends with me so that I could have danced and had a laugh. So just as we're about to leave, there he is again 'Mr 6 foot 2' chatting to some guy - so I just stepped in there and introduced myself - he remembered me which was a good thing - no honest - he really did, he remembered the job that he had done at my place - so that really was a good sign - but with 'Mr Boring' at my side, who he would think was my date, I had no chance of taking this thing any further AGAIN! 'Mr Boring' did suggest that we stay on a little later and I could make a play for him, but I just wasn't in the mood - plus my feet were KILLING me!

So that brings us to me sitting there at the end of the table awaiting my 'ride' partner - and wishing it would be 'Mr 6 foot 2' who still hadn't noticed me - he was just 3 or 4 feet away from me as he got something out of his locker - but I still turned my head the other way. And then holy moly, my wish was granted and over comes the lady telling me that I was heading out for the morning with 'Mr 6 foot 2' - JACKPOT!!!!!!  I was ecstatic - but kept my cool - grinned at myself in the washroom mirror like a cheshire cat and waited for him to come and sit down - then as soon as I opened my mouth, he recognized me and blushed - awwww :) Perhaps he was on the same track as me :)

So off we went - me buckled up in the front of the van - brolley in tow - pissing rain - blissfully happy. And I just told myself that I was totally going to put myself out there - let him see how much fun I could be - have a laugh :) So that's exactly what I did - I had a great way of getting in there to find out if he was single or not - just started talking about the lack of decent men here in Vancouver, the perils of dating and the certain perils of online dating - so of course that got the conversation in full swing. I asked him why guys give you their number and then never call back after they've asked for yours' online - and what's with this 72 hour rule - all these dumb dating rules - playing games more like.

Anyways to cut a long story short we had the best time - covered a lot of ground - he was an absolute gentleman from start to finish - opening doors for me - even held my brolley over me at one point so that I wouldn't get wet - we giggled - we laughed - and we shared - oh and then we had lunch together - it was there that he told me that he had had the best day EVER! Wowser!

Okay so there was one thing - there always is isn't there? - he had met a girl just a few weeks ago and they had planned to go away for the weekend to figure out if this was worth pursuing or not. My tummy took a tumble and I felt sick - history repeating itself - right from my first ever crush when I was 16 years old - and he too had some chick that he was dating. Second fiddle again! But for some reason this time it felt different. But hey that doesn't mean that I didn't do everything I could to f**k it up - of course I did - all my stuff came up and all those old wounds were left wide open again - and I was swirling in panic mode in just a matter of days.

We'll talk about that next time - I have to run cos it's late and I want to read before bedtime.

Bye All :)

Authenticity

So here we are, Sunday afternoon in Vancouver and I can hear the rain and the cars travelling up and down the street. I have just read some of the news on Whitney Houston - how sad - I remember when she 'came out' when we were just teenagers - 'How Will I Know' and 'I Want To Dance With Somebody' - I loved those songs - still do! What a terrible shame. And the Grammy's are on TV - don't know half of the artists to be honest - and boy do some of those girls need to cover up.

So what's been going on with me? I've had a tumultous time letting go of all that stuff at work - so much so that I ended up taking a day off work on Thursday - I was completely drained and knew that I was in a really fragile space - if I didn't do something to heal this thing and quick I would no doubt have sabotaged everything again. Said or done something that would have ended up in devastation.

I woke up puffy eyed on Thursday - with stomach cramps from something I'd eaten - I had spent an hour on the phone with my friend who has cancer - and it's fair to say that perspective was the order of that conversation. I had had a drink with another friend straight after work and was starting to think that all the 'crazy' was me - after all why had I been in this situation so many times before - why was this person at work turning up in my life over and over again? - I was the common denominator - so it had to be about me - I was creating this movie - this story. I was chatting to my friend about prospects in my current role and also about getting into life coaching again. Fact is, the courses are pretty much all full-time unless you do something online and then they're never quite the same - I mean you don't get to meet anyone then do you? So we drank and I twittered on about 'you know who' - my apparent nemesis at work and I was really working to a solution. I was actually getting to the point where I was completely and utterly sick of thinking about him and work and it!!!! So I came home and my other friend had sent me an email - he was in a lot of pain - and I called him as soon as I read it - God love him, I bawled for an hour - non-stop - blubbering - took his mind of his own stuff for a while though no doubt and I did check in to make sure that I was okay rambling on. Amazing how much stuff comes up when you've had a drink - or two :)

I was beginning to think that it was time that I went home to the UK - time to be with my family again - although I knew in my heart of hearts that that wasn't the answer either - it would be nice for a few weeks - perhaps after a holiday abroad and then the thought of being on public transport day in day out on the way to and from work in the UK makes my stomach churn - just the madness of the place really. Especially so after being here for so long.

So I woke up that morning thinking that another reading with Ming was in order - but I could hear my BFF's words in my ears - that wasn't the answer and I couldn't get an appointment either. And then I thought about Matthew - the sound healer - the guy that does the body work and reiki and no word of a lie, the minute I asked out loud if I should call him, up pops an email from him about one of his sessions at the local yoga studio - so of course I saw that as a sign and emailed him straight away and got a booking for 3.30pm - 3 hours of waiting time - I was neither here nor there - but managed to pass the time.

So I drove there after eating my tuna sandwich - I may have said this before but the basement to that house has a really low ceiling so you feel like you are an extra in the 'Lord of the Rings'. And there he was Matthew looking at me with his kind eyes - it amazes me just how much love and understanding just oozes out of him - without a single drop of judgement - and I rattled off the whole tale of the dude at work and how it was all affecting me and throwing me off balance - and no doubt I was owning my stuff too - I told him 'I can behave like a 6 year old sometimes, and this 'person' and what he represents turns up at my workplace all the time' - and then he was just quiet for a few seconds, felt like a really long time - so I asked him what he was thinking and he said ' I am excited for what you have set up for yourself - the lesson and healing that you take away from this will open up a huge door for you - and it is a huge opportunity to heal - and you wouldn't attract anything more than you could handle at any one time' - he had of course hit the nail right on the head.

So for the next 90 minutes or so, he worked to massage my body - get the energy flowing again - worked with me to send healing energy to my liver and spleen - the two organs that take a bashing when you're going through a lot of emotional stuff and then he blew through a huge shell that he had and shifted all the 'crap' and debris that was coming up and out of me. It's amazing how light you feel and how much energy you have after one of his sessions. Oh and then the other thing he told me was that I was to lay off the caffeine for a while - I was like 'oh $hit' - that's the only crutch I have - but truthfully I had had the same thought - I was noticing that every morning after my green tea, I was really strung out and twitchy and it was really throwing my emotions about all over the place - so much so that I felt like I was one of those hamster wheels for the whole day - it's amazing how much better I feel just after 3 days of just a little caffeine - I have just a baby cup of matcha tea in the morning and it doesn't make my heart race or my body heat up. So I'm sold - I think it was the caffeine overload that was making my brain just obsess over the 'stuff' and problems and I just wasn't able to get out of the loop. So something you may like to try out if you're feeling wiggy.

Also a huge thing that came up for me was the fact that I had been focusing on the negative stuff about my colleague and not seeing that his behavior was down to his own wounding - and once you get to a place of compassion and love - and remove yourself from his path and see yourself instead on your own - it's easy to break free from the 'crazy'. So I went in the next morning and thanked him for his words of praise a few days earlier and explained that I suck at giving compliments cos it just hasn't been my first and foremost mode of thinking - I'm not complaining about this right now, but I do recall that as kids, we were rarely and barely ever told that we had done something good - it was always the other way around, it was always a focus on what we had done wrong - and then as kids we felt bad and then trying to get back into our parent's good books again - so it was just this constant stress all the time - and as I have said before, if my parents had known better then, they would have done better. They're both pretty awesome now to be fair, Mom especially when it comes to telling me how proud she is of me - but you know how it is, parents have this way of just chopping you at your core cos they know with exact precision where your wounds are. So long story short, I just figure it was time for me to give this guy at work a break - to let the 6 year old in me go play and support me instead of acting out and being 'naughty'. He was thrilled when I commended him and Friday was a lovely day - it was nice to know that we had both gotten over a hurdle and reached a compromise. And I felt proud of myself too.

So there you have it - the big change since I last wrote. Apart from that nothing exciting has happened really - I've been out a couple of times but nothing too fancy - and no hangovers - and no men :) I'll be glad when Spring is here in just a few weeks time. I've started watching the new 'Spartacus' series, it's just as fabulous as the first two - although Andy Whitfield is still the hottest! :) I watched that movie 'Shame' with Michael Fassbender and he is my new celebrity crush - smoking!!!! Oh and I saw that move ' The Descendants' with George Clooney - thought it was pretty crap actually - don't know what all the hype is about - oh and I am reading 'The Help' - amazing book - the movie has already won a whole heap of awards.

Okay well Happy Monday to you all - and just as my tale proves, don't doubt your ability to affect just one person by a simple action - and even if it's something that feels awkward, compassion really is love manifested :) Say something nice to someone - a smile in the corridor or at the photocopy machine! 

This tune gives me goose bumps! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfPOXmT9HMA&feature=related

The Tower

I knew the very second that she flipped that card over that I was fkd!!! She did some work trying to camouflage her emotion - telling me that I was in for a windfall - but my gut wasn't having any of it - I was in for some serious emotional turmoil - I guess you could argue that I may have attracted is cos my vibration was in that space - but whichever way you choose to look at it - the last few weeks have been utterly devastating. If you ever take the time to look at the 'Tower' card in tarot, you will of course see a tower, it's up in flames and people are flinging themselves over the walls of it - so you see them mid-flight, and then there's thunder bolts and lightening in the dark sky. You know that you're in for shaky ride - but as they say, you gotta break some eggs to make omelettes.

I had the best time during my citizenship ceremony - and the perfect party afterward - I was so spoilt, I was given a whole heap of gifts from plants to tea towels to maple syrup tea leaves to a cup with native art on it - all with the Canadian theme. I was very careful not to drink too much and sipped on this cheap bottle of champagne that my colleague at work has introduced me too. I left just before I started to feel the giddyness on the alcohol. In fact with all the excitement and happiness, I had switched off my antennae and missed something huge - my colleague and confidante at work had been spending an awful lot of his time in meetings. So Monday morning was a real f'ing shocker.

He was now supervisor - I would now have to report to this douche bag - and the only reason I say that with such comtempt is cos I could not understand why the people from 'up above' could not see what a complete rat bag this guy could be - behind his 'brown nose' and mask, he was absolutely one of the most insecure and consequently bitchy people I had ever met - when he told me the news, I froze on the spot in dis-belief and could not for the life of me even muster up a fake 'well done you' - I've never been good with that kind of stuff. So now I would be reporting to him - directly or in-directly - I am still not sure about that yet.

I was screwing - I completely understood that it had to happen as someone had to do the work - but really - to be promoted because other people left and then the one with the longest tenure just fitted into that spot is hardly a good enough reason - in my book anyways - and that's the thing you see - in my book. I was in such a whirl of judgement - it was hard for me to even look at him without spitting bullets - and you know how someone just bothers you more then? The way they walk - the way they talk - the way they eat - the way they swagger - jumped up tw@t!!!!! I wanted to take a rifle gun and blast his new found feathers into oblivion - like one of those cartoons - a chicken standing there in the nuddy :) I can laugh now that he has been out of my face for the last 6 days - but tomorrow - Heaven help me tomorrow. And I know I need to get over this - cos this is my stuff! I don't think I have ever worked harder with EFT - trying to shift all that blocked up emotion - but it seems that every time I shift it - some more turns up - and more intense and redder than you can even imagine.

So Randall has been teaching me a new technique - you imagine roses - some kind of 'Rose Therapy' - it's actually quite neat - you pick a colour and then you can surround your aura with them - anywhere from yellow to pink to black - for protection etc. So I have been practising.

On the flip side though with him being out of the office, I was there on my own as the other kid was sick - sitting duck for the two biatches who sit in that same space - bully boy tactics - I speak up for myself and they go all out to treat me badly and talk about me huddled up in the corner - so more $hit to work on - why do people bully me? What am I putting out there that makes them bully me? Then my friend Krystal hit it on the head for me, 'you give as good as you get' - he didn't know what was going on at work but it was just what I needed to hear - so in I went surrounded in armour and ready to kick the f**k out of them energetically if they tried anything. One of them didn't - but I could see the other one still had a bone to pick - and I wasn't gonna behave the 'old way' anymore - so when she rudely interrupted one of my conversations on Friday, I went for a walk and came back and thanked her for stepping in - she wasn't expecting that - she apologized with a hiss for talking over me and I just replied with a 'don't worry about it, I don't sweat the small stuff' - piaoww - and if you want another bomb to emplode in your face biatch, I got one right here!!!!! I made a point of asking her how she planned to spend her weekend when I left - squirming she was - I was half genuine and half doing it on purpose - I knew she was wriggling and hating my guts - but I did it to piss her off - childish I know - but you know what - kill them with kindness - what's the biatch gonna do? Nothing she can do when I am so fricking polite it makes her wanna puke :)

Why oh why oh why don't women take care of each other? Why don't be big each other up instead of trying to f**k each other up - and you know what? It's always the insecure ones who hate themselves - they just want to spread their poison. I did try to be a better person though and consciously imagined her as a nice girl - appreciating that she is obviously just hurting over something - as I have said before "hurt people, hurt people" - trying to imagine the light in someone when they're trying to mess you up in not easy - but I am getting better :)

On top of all of this, I have been battling some demons of my own - feeling really down of late - it just hits me sometimes - I haven't been like this since I left the UK to go travelling to Aus - over 10 years - some people call it depression - I call it the 'dark night' - well whatever label you give it, there's been moments where I have just wanted to be on some other plane in this universe - somewhere else - somewhere where I don't have to fight these battles all the time and where people can just be nice and actually give a $hit. I do realize that I set myself up for it - I have been giving something off since I was a young girl that makes people think they can treat me like crap - but damn you, that is not happening anymore. A couple of weeks ago, I just wanted to walk out into the street - just to press the stop button and to wake up on the crystal bed surrounded by Angels and Goddesses - where I could just walk in the garden with the greenest of green grass and smell the flowers and hear my kids laughing - I know that some people will think I am crazy for having such thoughts, but I do believe that what my Mom said today is true - Heaven and Hell are here - there is no up and down - it's right here and I need to snap out of it - I know that the most powerful growth comes when you hit rock bottom - I have been at the bottom - it's also been way too long since I was home with my loved ones - it's been a year now.

I had another huge trigger this week - a cousin of mine who grew up with a stricter family than my own has freed herself from those judgements and constraints and married someone who would not be considered 'fitting' in our culture - she has a child too - I was thrilled for her. However, I spiralled out of control as I wished that I had had the same courage 10 years ago. And yes, this is me going back there again - the truth hits me like that. I am trying desperately to forgive myself for the choices I made all those years ago - purposefully so that I wouldn't have to face the wrath of my mother and tell her that I had fallen in love with someone she would not approve of. You see that was at the core of my 'crazy' at that time - what could I do to f**k this thing up - what could I do that was so bad and so destructive that I would walk away without a shred of hope left behind - cos of my fears and the limitations that had been put on me. He had tied a blue bracelet around my wrist - at the time to signify 'US' - he had said that he would get me a ring - and I had panicked - in the time it took him to go to the washroom the next morning and come back to the hostel room - I had cut it with my nail clippers and laid it out on the table so that it would be the first thing that he would see - and it was the first thing that he saw - and the next thing I saw was the crushed soul behind his eyes. He knew I wasn't going to let him in no matter what he did.

Okay now my biggest thing for the last 10 years has been getting to grips with my actions - to some how try and reach inside of myself and forgive myself for what I did. I did that! I did that! I destroyed it! And I have to let go of it cos it has been killing me slowly - I have to forgive myself. The anger has gone now - I'm not angry with him anymore - and if there was a magic pill I could take to forget him, I think I would take it - maybe - and I feel like I am in a state of madness and / or addiction - but I know it's neither cos it's my heart talking to me - and when it's really quiet and I am in a state of peace, my heart tells me to run - it tells me to run - book a ticket and stand there in front of him - and tell him that he's my home - and as long as I feel like that and don't have the courage at the very least to find out if I am wrong, how can anything else make sense?

14 hours to being a Canadian

Well here I am sitting here writing, 14 hours from a dream that I had as an 11 year old in the front room of someone's house in England.

Happy New Year to you all by the way - this posting will be short and sweet - I was just washing my face and thinking my best friend at home checks my site every day and I must make the effort to write something especially for her :) I am 30 pages from the end of my book, "The Aleph", so I'm keen to get to bed and need to rest for the big day tomorrow.

My colleagues have been so sweet - one of the girls is having a shindig round at her place - so we have our work group going and then a few of my other friends too so who knows where the night may end. She's got Canadian flags and balloons and everything and is joining me for the actualy ceremony in the morning. We all have to swear allegiance to the Queen - be there for about 2 hours and then into work for a short day - it's been such a crazy few weeks at work - it will be a shock to the system to do a full week next week - back to the 5 day work week until Easter.

I went back to see Randall last Friday - back to do some EFT and this time I had something specific in mind - the Slovenian - we needed to work on what was keeping me in that space - and keeping me so strongly connected to him - hooked - obsessed - call it what you like. I had trouble with it all at the beginning cos I know that I was resisting the whole process - he's been there in my life for so long that a huge part of me didn't want to let go - was scared to let go because of what that open space would look like. So for the first few minutes I kept going off into space somewhere. Then we got to the attachments - the cords - the anger, the dissappointment, the grief, the guilt and my thinking that I needed to suffer in tis way to learn what I needed to learn, which of course isn't true - life lessons don't have to be that hard - really.

It was funny what Randall said, maybe the two of us had an agreement - maybe the Slovenian came into my life to give me the reason and the courage to fight for my dream - is it a coincidence that of all the people I could have met on any beach in Australia, I met one who lived in Canada at the time - someone who made me see that I didn't have to be cruel to myself, 'are you a masochist?' were his excat words - to hold myself - to be more secure - I think back to that tale of the "Little Soul and The Sun" and swear that some how it all ties in - perhaps we did have an agreement before we came forth into this life - that he would come into my life and get me on track - on the right path - it's been a hard journey. It would be nice if he took something away from it too.

So there you go - no more negativity holding me in that space - nothing now but love and memories - I have to accept that they are just that, memories - no more fantasy - but I ain't gonna lie, I miss him - I miss the bones off him at the moment - I think I am just grieving - the way I should have done or could have done a decade ago but wouldn't let myself. I cry at the drop of a hat - feel empty - there's this vacuum to fill now - and this pie in the sky dream I had isn't going to come true - so now I have to find something to fill that void - but in the meantime I'm feeling a little lost. I went to my acupuncture session and burst into tears in front of the lovely lady. Oh well - what you gonna do hey? It's just a matter of time before I start venturing out again and meeting new people and having new experiences. Suka, my acupuncturist said that on some level I have chosen to be alone for all this time - and when I am ready, the right people, the right guy will turn up in my life.

So there you go - my Happy Ending :)

I will leave you with one of my all time favourites by Coldplay - listen to the words - they are truly beautiful - I hadn't heard the song in months and months and then I played in on my mp3 on the way to work on Tuesday - I was singing along the way I did before I met him - sitting on the beach in Byron Bay, up by the grass watching the waves roll in and out - happy times :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZSobH1wiiM

I Love You.

 

My Road Less Travelled

It's Christmas Eve - already - my how time flies - sitting here reading my book after watching a film that really got me thinking - 'Let's talk about Kevin' - be prepared for some really deep thoughts if you take that one on.

I bought 'Aleph' on the way home yesterday - the newest book by Paulo Coelho - I absolutely love every single book that he has written - and it never fails to amaze me that there is a message in each one of them for me - there is for every reader - but this one, well it just confirms that I am listening to my guidance - I am feeling a little dumb struck.

"And because I carried all that guilt around inside me, because victims always end up considering themselves to be the culprits, I decided to keep punishing myself. So in my relationships with men, I've always sought suffering, conflict and despair", Paulo Coelo - Aleph.

I walked out of the RMT's room last week - from the guy that does the deep tissue massage and he said to me 'You don't have to be drawn to pain anymore' - it was like a light bulb moment - we all have our guidance, knowing, inner knowing, teachings, things we've read or heard - and then someone somewhere says something so simple and so profound that it hits you right between the chest - and your heart explodes as confetti, stars and love hearts fill the air and tears fall like droplets from your eyes - cos you realize that your life really doesn't have to suck anymore - it really doesn't.

I had gone in there for my 4th session so far - I was like a grenade with the pin off - ready to explode - so much anger in me - I had been left devastated the night before - after having sent texts and after making phone calls to the people that mean something here to me, my circle of friends - I was left stranded on Friday night - my annual Christmas get together - the event that I organize. One by one, beginning on Thursday these 'friends' were falling off - excuse upon excuse - and I was so deeply wounded by the first 'excuse' email and triggered - once again I was that girl standing alone in the playground - without any friends - by Friday morning another text and then another and then another - another on the taxi ride home - until there were two - just two of us going - what a $hit show. I was feeling so unappreciated - I wished I had just stayed home to watch my soaps - single, alone and on my couch but at the very least safe and content.

By Saturday morning as I told the RMT as I walked in the room, I was like a stick of dynamite ready to blow. He said 'shall we try some EFT' - this involves body tapping - on the meridians to release build ups of emotions - we started with some drama at work - with someone who had behaved like a complete wanker for the last 2 days - realizing that I was pissed because he didn't share the same moral code as I did - and as the RMT got me verbalizing my anger followed by a positive affirmation, I felt the anger dissipate - until I saw him as a gift - someone that had got me to that dynamite space so that I could release it and heal.

Then the RMT said that it may also be a good time to do some healing around the inappropriateness of someones actions on me some years before during another massage session - someone who was not a professional and not qualified and obviously a f**king pervert who saw me coming a mile off. So we began - and of course it catapulted into something deeper - right at the core of me - and after some 30 odd minutes and hands over my face as I cried my little eyes out in front of this stranger - we got there - to how I had been punishing myself all these years - when you separate yourself from the story - you see that there's really nothing that you could have done differently. However, I had "always sought suffering, conflict and despair" with every single man I had ever attracted - ting ting ting jackpot!!!!!

You know when you've done something your whole life - and you realize that you don't have to do it anymore, it's like stepping into an abyss? - it's scary - ALL NEW - you have no map and no coordinates cos everything is new - so do I step off the edge or do I step back and go back to what I know? - well of course the answer is simple - it's time for this little butterfly to uncurl her wings and fly - I've been in this tower too long - tucked away - my heart is pounding - excited I think - creating my new story :)

I also had the most amazing news ever this week - I passed my citizenship test and will be a Canadian Citizen on the 6th January - it's the biggest thing I have ever achieved - when I think off all the obstacles that stood there in front of me the last 7 years trying to trip me and the people that wanted to see me falter - I thank God for those who carried me - and the most thanks goes to my Family - I miss them today like no other day- I know that they will all be sitting around the family table tomorrow eating Christmas Dinner - Mom will have cooked the lamb that by Brother loves so much - and my Dad will hold the knife and fork in his hands like a pro - good enough for a royal affair - and Mom will boil the kettle which will whistle out loud and pour the hot water to make gravy - my little Nephew will run around like a maniac before he is ordered to sit down - and me, me, I will sit here and pray again - hard - that God surrounds me with my loved ones next year. I can feel the skin on their cheeks pressed up on my lips as I can kiss them all - and oh how my heart hurts as I imagine how my Mom and Dad's eyes light up when we are together. I have often wondered why I separated myself from all that is so dear to me - and maybe I just felt that I didn't deserve them. No more!

Have a lovely Christmas all of you - and breathe them in - breathe in your loved ones - take a seond to be present when they look at you - smile at you - talk to you - your loved ones are your 'presents' :)