The Tower

I knew the very second that she flipped that card over that I was fkd!!! She did some work trying to camouflage her emotion - telling me that I was in for a windfall - but my gut wasn't having any of it - I was in for some serious emotional turmoil - I guess you could argue that I may have attracted is cos my vibration was in that space - but whichever way you choose to look at it - the last few weeks have been utterly devastating. If you ever take the time to look at the 'Tower' card in tarot, you will of course see a tower, it's up in flames and people are flinging themselves over the walls of it - so you see them mid-flight, and then there's thunder bolts and lightening in the dark sky. You know that you're in for shaky ride - but as they say, you gotta break some eggs to make omelettes.

I had the best time during my citizenship ceremony - and the perfect party afterward - I was so spoilt, I was given a whole heap of gifts from plants to tea towels to maple syrup tea leaves to a cup with native art on it - all with the Canadian theme. I was very careful not to drink too much and sipped on this cheap bottle of champagne that my colleague at work has introduced me too. I left just before I started to feel the giddyness on the alcohol. In fact with all the excitement and happiness, I had switched off my antennae and missed something huge - my colleague and confidante at work had been spending an awful lot of his time in meetings. So Monday morning was a real f'ing shocker.

He was now supervisor - I would now have to report to this douche bag - and the only reason I say that with such comtempt is cos I could not understand why the people from 'up above' could not see what a complete rat bag this guy could be - behind his 'brown nose' and mask, he was absolutely one of the most insecure and consequently bitchy people I had ever met - when he told me the news, I froze on the spot in dis-belief and could not for the life of me even muster up a fake 'well done you' - I've never been good with that kind of stuff. So now I would be reporting to him - directly or in-directly - I am still not sure about that yet.

I was screwing - I completely understood that it had to happen as someone had to do the work - but really - to be promoted because other people left and then the one with the longest tenure just fitted into that spot is hardly a good enough reason - in my book anyways - and that's the thing you see - in my book. I was in such a whirl of judgement - it was hard for me to even look at him without spitting bullets - and you know how someone just bothers you more then? The way they walk - the way they talk - the way they eat - the way they swagger - jumped up tw@t!!!!! I wanted to take a rifle gun and blast his new found feathers into oblivion - like one of those cartoons - a chicken standing there in the nuddy :) I can laugh now that he has been out of my face for the last 6 days - but tomorrow - Heaven help me tomorrow. And I know I need to get over this - cos this is my stuff! I don't think I have ever worked harder with EFT - trying to shift all that blocked up emotion - but it seems that every time I shift it - some more turns up - and more intense and redder than you can even imagine.

So Randall has been teaching me a new technique - you imagine roses - some kind of 'Rose Therapy' - it's actually quite neat - you pick a colour and then you can surround your aura with them - anywhere from yellow to pink to black - for protection etc. So I have been practising.

On the flip side though with him being out of the office, I was there on my own as the other kid was sick - sitting duck for the two biatches who sit in that same space - bully boy tactics - I speak up for myself and they go all out to treat me badly and talk about me huddled up in the corner - so more $hit to work on - why do people bully me? What am I putting out there that makes them bully me? Then my friend Krystal hit it on the head for me, 'you give as good as you get' - he didn't know what was going on at work but it was just what I needed to hear - so in I went surrounded in armour and ready to kick the f**k out of them energetically if they tried anything. One of them didn't - but I could see the other one still had a bone to pick - and I wasn't gonna behave the 'old way' anymore - so when she rudely interrupted one of my conversations on Friday, I went for a walk and came back and thanked her for stepping in - she wasn't expecting that - she apologized with a hiss for talking over me and I just replied with a 'don't worry about it, I don't sweat the small stuff' - piaoww - and if you want another bomb to emplode in your face biatch, I got one right here!!!!! I made a point of asking her how she planned to spend her weekend when I left - squirming she was - I was half genuine and half doing it on purpose - I knew she was wriggling and hating my guts - but I did it to piss her off - childish I know - but you know what - kill them with kindness - what's the biatch gonna do? Nothing she can do when I am so fricking polite it makes her wanna puke :)

Why oh why oh why don't women take care of each other? Why don't be big each other up instead of trying to f**k each other up - and you know what? It's always the insecure ones who hate themselves - they just want to spread their poison. I did try to be a better person though and consciously imagined her as a nice girl - appreciating that she is obviously just hurting over something - as I have said before "hurt people, hurt people" - trying to imagine the light in someone when they're trying to mess you up in not easy - but I am getting better :)

On top of all of this, I have been battling some demons of my own - feeling really down of late - it just hits me sometimes - I haven't been like this since I left the UK to go travelling to Aus - over 10 years - some people call it depression - I call it the 'dark night' - well whatever label you give it, there's been moments where I have just wanted to be on some other plane in this universe - somewhere else - somewhere where I don't have to fight these battles all the time and where people can just be nice and actually give a $hit. I do realize that I set myself up for it - I have been giving something off since I was a young girl that makes people think they can treat me like crap - but damn you, that is not happening anymore. A couple of weeks ago, I just wanted to walk out into the street - just to press the stop button and to wake up on the crystal bed surrounded by Angels and Goddesses - where I could just walk in the garden with the greenest of green grass and smell the flowers and hear my kids laughing - I know that some people will think I am crazy for having such thoughts, but I do believe that what my Mom said today is true - Heaven and Hell are here - there is no up and down - it's right here and I need to snap out of it - I know that the most powerful growth comes when you hit rock bottom - I have been at the bottom - it's also been way too long since I was home with my loved ones - it's been a year now.

I had another huge trigger this week - a cousin of mine who grew up with a stricter family than my own has freed herself from those judgements and constraints and married someone who would not be considered 'fitting' in our culture - she has a child too - I was thrilled for her. However, I spiralled out of control as I wished that I had had the same courage 10 years ago. And yes, this is me going back there again - the truth hits me like that. I am trying desperately to forgive myself for the choices I made all those years ago - purposefully so that I wouldn't have to face the wrath of my mother and tell her that I had fallen in love with someone she would not approve of. You see that was at the core of my 'crazy' at that time - what could I do to f**k this thing up - what could I do that was so bad and so destructive that I would walk away without a shred of hope left behind - cos of my fears and the limitations that had been put on me. He had tied a blue bracelet around my wrist - at the time to signify 'US' - he had said that he would get me a ring - and I had panicked - in the time it took him to go to the washroom the next morning and come back to the hostel room - I had cut it with my nail clippers and laid it out on the table so that it would be the first thing that he would see - and it was the first thing that he saw - and the next thing I saw was the crushed soul behind his eyes. He knew I wasn't going to let him in no matter what he did.

Okay now my biggest thing for the last 10 years has been getting to grips with my actions - to some how try and reach inside of myself and forgive myself for what I did. I did that! I did that! I destroyed it! And I have to let go of it cos it has been killing me slowly - I have to forgive myself. The anger has gone now - I'm not angry with him anymore - and if there was a magic pill I could take to forget him, I think I would take it - maybe - and I feel like I am in a state of madness and / or addiction - but I know it's neither cos it's my heart talking to me - and when it's really quiet and I am in a state of peace, my heart tells me to run - it tells me to run - book a ticket and stand there in front of him - and tell him that he's my home - and as long as I feel like that and don't have the courage at the very least to find out if I am wrong, how can anything else make sense?

14 hours to being a Canadian

Well here I am sitting here writing, 14 hours from a dream that I had as an 11 year old in the front room of someone's house in England.

Happy New Year to you all by the way - this posting will be short and sweet - I was just washing my face and thinking my best friend at home checks my site every day and I must make the effort to write something especially for her :) I am 30 pages from the end of my book, "The Aleph", so I'm keen to get to bed and need to rest for the big day tomorrow.

My colleagues have been so sweet - one of the girls is having a shindig round at her place - so we have our work group going and then a few of my other friends too so who knows where the night may end. She's got Canadian flags and balloons and everything and is joining me for the actualy ceremony in the morning. We all have to swear allegiance to the Queen - be there for about 2 hours and then into work for a short day - it's been such a crazy few weeks at work - it will be a shock to the system to do a full week next week - back to the 5 day work week until Easter.

I went back to see Randall last Friday - back to do some EFT and this time I had something specific in mind - the Slovenian - we needed to work on what was keeping me in that space - and keeping me so strongly connected to him - hooked - obsessed - call it what you like. I had trouble with it all at the beginning cos I know that I was resisting the whole process - he's been there in my life for so long that a huge part of me didn't want to let go - was scared to let go because of what that open space would look like. So for the first few minutes I kept going off into space somewhere. Then we got to the attachments - the cords - the anger, the dissappointment, the grief, the guilt and my thinking that I needed to suffer in tis way to learn what I needed to learn, which of course isn't true - life lessons don't have to be that hard - really.

It was funny what Randall said, maybe the two of us had an agreement - maybe the Slovenian came into my life to give me the reason and the courage to fight for my dream - is it a coincidence that of all the people I could have met on any beach in Australia, I met one who lived in Canada at the time - someone who made me see that I didn't have to be cruel to myself, 'are you a masochist?' were his excat words - to hold myself - to be more secure - I think back to that tale of the "Little Soul and The Sun" and swear that some how it all ties in - perhaps we did have an agreement before we came forth into this life - that he would come into my life and get me on track - on the right path - it's been a hard journey. It would be nice if he took something away from it too.

So there you go - no more negativity holding me in that space - nothing now but love and memories - I have to accept that they are just that, memories - no more fantasy - but I ain't gonna lie, I miss him - I miss the bones off him at the moment - I think I am just grieving - the way I should have done or could have done a decade ago but wouldn't let myself. I cry at the drop of a hat - feel empty - there's this vacuum to fill now - and this pie in the sky dream I had isn't going to come true - so now I have to find something to fill that void - but in the meantime I'm feeling a little lost. I went to my acupuncture session and burst into tears in front of the lovely lady. Oh well - what you gonna do hey? It's just a matter of time before I start venturing out again and meeting new people and having new experiences. Suka, my acupuncturist said that on some level I have chosen to be alone for all this time - and when I am ready, the right people, the right guy will turn up in my life.

So there you go - my Happy Ending :)

I will leave you with one of my all time favourites by Coldplay - listen to the words - they are truly beautiful - I hadn't heard the song in months and months and then I played in on my mp3 on the way to work on Tuesday - I was singing along the way I did before I met him - sitting on the beach in Byron Bay, up by the grass watching the waves roll in and out - happy times :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZSobH1wiiM

I Love You.

 

My Road Less Travelled

It's Christmas Eve - already - my how time flies - sitting here reading my book after watching a film that really got me thinking - 'Let's talk about Kevin' - be prepared for some really deep thoughts if you take that one on.

I bought 'Aleph' on the way home yesterday - the newest book by Paulo Coelho - I absolutely love every single book that he has written - and it never fails to amaze me that there is a message in each one of them for me - there is for every reader - but this one, well it just confirms that I am listening to my guidance - I am feeling a little dumb struck.

"And because I carried all that guilt around inside me, because victims always end up considering themselves to be the culprits, I decided to keep punishing myself. So in my relationships with men, I've always sought suffering, conflict and despair", Paulo Coelo - Aleph.

I walked out of the RMT's room last week - from the guy that does the deep tissue massage and he said to me 'You don't have to be drawn to pain anymore' - it was like a light bulb moment - we all have our guidance, knowing, inner knowing, teachings, things we've read or heard - and then someone somewhere says something so simple and so profound that it hits you right between the chest - and your heart explodes as confetti, stars and love hearts fill the air and tears fall like droplets from your eyes - cos you realize that your life really doesn't have to suck anymore - it really doesn't.

I had gone in there for my 4th session so far - I was like a grenade with the pin off - ready to explode - so much anger in me - I had been left devastated the night before - after having sent texts and after making phone calls to the people that mean something here to me, my circle of friends - I was left stranded on Friday night - my annual Christmas get together - the event that I organize. One by one, beginning on Thursday these 'friends' were falling off - excuse upon excuse - and I was so deeply wounded by the first 'excuse' email and triggered - once again I was that girl standing alone in the playground - without any friends - by Friday morning another text and then another and then another - another on the taxi ride home - until there were two - just two of us going - what a $hit show. I was feeling so unappreciated - I wished I had just stayed home to watch my soaps - single, alone and on my couch but at the very least safe and content.

By Saturday morning as I told the RMT as I walked in the room, I was like a stick of dynamite ready to blow. He said 'shall we try some EFT' - this involves body tapping - on the meridians to release build ups of emotions - we started with some drama at work - with someone who had behaved like a complete wanker for the last 2 days - realizing that I was pissed because he didn't share the same moral code as I did - and as the RMT got me verbalizing my anger followed by a positive affirmation, I felt the anger dissipate - until I saw him as a gift - someone that had got me to that dynamite space so that I could release it and heal.

Then the RMT said that it may also be a good time to do some healing around the inappropriateness of someones actions on me some years before during another massage session - someone who was not a professional and not qualified and obviously a f**king pervert who saw me coming a mile off. So we began - and of course it catapulted into something deeper - right at the core of me - and after some 30 odd minutes and hands over my face as I cried my little eyes out in front of this stranger - we got there - to how I had been punishing myself all these years - when you separate yourself from the story - you see that there's really nothing that you could have done differently. However, I had "always sought suffering, conflict and despair" with every single man I had ever attracted - ting ting ting jackpot!!!!!

You know when you've done something your whole life - and you realize that you don't have to do it anymore, it's like stepping into an abyss? - it's scary - ALL NEW - you have no map and no coordinates cos everything is new - so do I step off the edge or do I step back and go back to what I know? - well of course the answer is simple - it's time for this little butterfly to uncurl her wings and fly - I've been in this tower too long - tucked away - my heart is pounding - excited I think - creating my new story :)

I also had the most amazing news ever this week - I passed my citizenship test and will be a Canadian Citizen on the 6th January - it's the biggest thing I have ever achieved - when I think off all the obstacles that stood there in front of me the last 7 years trying to trip me and the people that wanted to see me falter - I thank God for those who carried me - and the most thanks goes to my Family - I miss them today like no other day- I know that they will all be sitting around the family table tomorrow eating Christmas Dinner - Mom will have cooked the lamb that by Brother loves so much - and my Dad will hold the knife and fork in his hands like a pro - good enough for a royal affair - and Mom will boil the kettle which will whistle out loud and pour the hot water to make gravy - my little Nephew will run around like a maniac before he is ordered to sit down - and me, me, I will sit here and pray again - hard - that God surrounds me with my loved ones next year. I can feel the skin on their cheeks pressed up on my lips as I can kiss them all - and oh how my heart hurts as I imagine how my Mom and Dad's eyes light up when we are together. I have often wondered why I separated myself from all that is so dear to me - and maybe I just felt that I didn't deserve them. No more!

Have a lovely Christmas all of you - and breathe them in - breathe in your loved ones - take a seond to be present when they look at you - smile at you - talk to you - your loved ones are your 'presents' :)

I know that I had promised to write more frequently but I kid you not the last two weeks have been mental busy both at work and socially. And there's no chance that I am going to get it all down in one sitting - thank goodness we have one lovely long weekend coming up next week. I am so looking forward to it. I am unable to do my usual 'italic' writing on here and to keep all the paragraphs aligned - so I will have to take a look at that over the next few days too.

I managed to stick my fingers together today with super glue - oh my gosh - if you could have felt the panic - there I was busily trying to get the amethyst back into the silver pendant frame and then I noticed that two of my fingers were bonded with glue - so frightening - I literally tore them apart hoping to God that I wouldn't tear the skin away too - thankfully after lemongrass oil, nail varnish remover and washing dishes I don't feel like I have lizard fingers.

Watched a great movie last night with Emily Blunt and Matt Damon - "The Adjustment Bureau" - it was very interesting - or at least I thought so.

So back to the Xmas party - in fact let's go back a little further than that - I met up for coffee with the Slovenians old best friend last week - the one that the Slovenian basically trained to be as big a jack ass as he was when it came to his philandering - and funny thing was the timing - I fianlly realized just the night before that I had created this whole fantasy with him, the Slovenian - a whole story - all these years on - some sort of romantic movie where I was the one playing it all out in my head - where in actual fact he was and has given me jack $hit for the last umpteen years. Okay so there is no need to beat myself up here - but it was an epiphany - and which woman wants that - a fantasy? It was not serving me in any way shape or form. So I prayed really hard that I would stop it - and stop drawing him into my life. And next morning I'm on LinkedIn and there's his mate's profile - he's back in Vancouver and I just said 'hi' as we had been talking on Skype a few months earlier.

I got an immediate response - in fact he was coming Downtown that afternoon for a conference and would I like to meet up for coffee? OMG my tummy did a tumble - why was this happening? What would I say to him 8 years on - I had bumped into him on the street about 6 years ago - but I was all of a flap. I have to add though that he was actually very good to me and very kind when the 'zipping' incident happened remember? The one where the Solvenian took the chick into his bedroom and came out zipping his pants up - well this was that guy - the one who literally scopped me up from having a breakdown.

So with my tummy hurling and erratic breathing I took the lift downstairs and met him in the foyer - and he was just as handsome and gentlemanly as I remembered him - we went for tea in the hotel restaurant next door - and we shared an hour chatting about this and that - his girlfriend and trip to Europe, work and the Xmas holidays - and not once did we bring up you know who - I have to say that my nerves went away after a few minutes. Not sure why I was so freaked out really - I think it was just weird to see someone from my past like that - someone that I connect with - but from a time in my life that I don't really connect with anymore. It was a great focal point to gauge how much stronger I am now.

So we are supposed to be going for a drink some time soon and I get to meet his girlfriend - not too sure how all that will go down - but it's always nice to hang out with good people - and he does have a level head on his shoulder - but I do not forget whose prodigy he was for a while back there.

So how are all the Xmas preparations going? Well I have managed to secure Xmas Day dinner at my colleagues family house - however with the evening commute over the bridge, I kinda wish I was staying home to watch my Xmas soap specials! :) I know, how ungrateful do I sound? My acupuncture sessions are going really well - as are my deep tissue massages - although yesterday we ended up doing EFT - emotional freedom technique - I was such a skeptic going in but it really did work - shifted loads of stuff that came up this week cos of work - boss was in town and I have not seen that much sucking up in a really long time - we will have to get to that next time as it's a story in itself. We got a really nice Xmas bonus though which was completely unexpected :) Excuse to go shopping - thinking of buying a new table and chairs for my place - I still have the IKEA one that I paid $10 for when I moved in here 7 years ago - think it's time for an upgrade! :)

Okay - gotta love and leave you - Sunday night and stuff to do before bedtime. Take care :)

p.s found the italic key and managed to get the paragraphs right - that'll settle my OCD :)

Magic

So where to start? I don't know - to stay here in the present or to go back to my tale again - I am honestly not sure at the moment - so let's just see where the words go. I have had a jam packed few weeks - it really has been an emotional roller coaster - happy - sad - anxious - happy - sad - anxious and I am only just beginning to truly realize how important it is for me to sit in stillness. My acupuncturist told me about 'valerian' - so I have been taking that as a natural remedy to just calm me down a little, especially my over-active mind just before bedtime - however combined with the melatonin, I am finding that I am in a very 'bonced out' state sometimes and it is hard for me to find words and communicate at work - it's so wierd when you are in actual fact a separate head space from the one that 'work' needs you to be in. It would be a lot easier to be in a retreat right now or laying on a beach where your mind can pretty much wander wherever it needs to.

So we have our Christmas party next weekend - it's going to be huge - so may people going and I have to say that I am really excited about it. I love it when people are all dressed up in there finest at these types of events - there will be music, drinks and food galore - and I am a little cautious as I haven't had a sip of alcohol for some weeks now - I didn't see the point in going out while I was focusing on healing by way of massage and the 'pin' sessions. I have to add too that I was a littel skeptical of the value of the 'pin' sessions as I call them until this weeks' which was my third session. The second she had put the 20 or so pins in my body and dimmed the light down in the room, I felt that shift in my body - you may get it too - it's similar to that feeling you have in your body the seconds leading up to 'falling asleep' - that shift - and that was it, I was completely relaxed and just 'let go' :) There is always a little bit of fear in me though, like for one thing, what if for some reason I needed to move, like really move and get up from the massage table - would one of these pins stick too far into me as I am trying to get up off the table? :) Silly really!

I got chit chatting with the lady this time - she said that she met her beau when she went to learn french in Paris - oh how romantic I thought - to go all that way and to fall in love - and now of course he is here with her in Vancouver - trying to find work but a steadfast lawyer at home in Paris - wouldn't it be nice to have someone go to those lengths for you? Just to be with you? :)

I am also reading a book by Robin Sharma at the moment - funny how it just kinda 'popped out' at me from my book shelf - all about following your destiny and finding the things in life that really resonate and are important - it's certainly acting as confirmation for the changes that are taking place in my life right now. I feel that I am really starting to ground myself in the 'here and now' and follow my instinct and realizing that there really is nothing to fear - we create all the little monsters ourselves really :) And it's just as easy to turn those thoughts on themselves and create positive ones instead. Feeling safe has always been a big thing for me - and also to be less adversely affected by what is going on around me - and I am beginning to get a handle on it and to truly belive in my own power.

I was listening to Abraham Hicks some mornings ago - sometimes I just switch it up and look for a new link - and I tend to find a playlist on youtube so that it can just run in the background as I am getting ready for work - I always pick up the pieces that are apt at that time. That morning Esther was talking about the 'wouldn't it be nice' idea. So all you do, if you are in a bit of a slump or not feeling your best, imagine 'wouldn't it be nice if.................' - and of course you end that sentence however you see fit. So I went with simple things that I could see the manifestation of quite quickly - 'wouldn't it be nice if it didn't rain on the way to work', 'wouldn't it be nice if the sun came out', 'wouldn't it be nice if I saw the cute guy at work', 'wouldn't it be nice if I had a huge surprise today'.

So I kid you now it went from pi$$ pouring rain to radiant sunshine on my way to work - and a few hours into the day, the cute guy walked by and said 'hello', and by the time I came home after my acupuncture session I was happily relaxed, just having eaten and sitting here wathcing one of my soaps. And then there it was - a 'tap tap tap' on my door - and I rarely get a knock at the door as I live in an apartment block for a start - and I asked who it was - and it was my landlady. And straight away I was like 'oh no what's happened, is it my car again? what's up?' - and I opened the door and there she stood with a pair of lovely clean cream bedroom drapes - she handed them to me saying that they were 'free of charge' - saving me $60 and that I should just pop the dirty ones in a plastic bag and give them back to her. I was so so so happy - I was beaming from ear to ear with a huge smile on my face and my eyes welled up - I was so grateful for this lovely kind gesture. Just a few days before, I had asked her how much it would cost me to dry clean the drapes as the ones in my bedroom were looking really grey and filthy - and I had only just begun to notice after getting my new bed - I figured it could not be good bedroom feng shui :) And here she was with the clean drapes - it made my day no end and I quickly got the old ones down and put the new ones up - it looks beautiful in my room now - it really is the little things - so go on try it - try the 'wouldn't it be nice if' game - and I call it a game as it's nice to be playful with it and have some fun. Just thinking about nice things shifts your mind set - and by shifting your mindset - you shift your vibration - and that's when magic happens!!!! :)

I shared this tale with the lady that lives just down the road from me - I will have to follow up with her and see if she tried it. So apart from that there is really not much else to share with you at this time - work is going well - I am beginning to feel appreciated and have been asked to set some goals and objectives for the next few months - first time I have ever really felt like I am setting some roots down in the workplace and making a difference. There is the usual day to day drama of course - oh and the other day one of the girls saw Liam Gallagher from Oasis from the window - we face a really fancy hotel - and there are often 'famous' people there - to be fair, I had more fun watching the little kiddie winkies in there little 'line up' with their blue rain ponchos on holding hands - they were all going in there to see the Christmas Trees - all lit up and fancy - so cute :) I remember how excited I used to get on school trips - packing my little 'kia-ora' and Ribena drinks - with an extra packet of sweets and a Club biscuit or two :) Awwwww thank God for those memories.

Went for a walk earlier - the sun has been out in full swing today - and I was listening to my tunes on my icube - I love that one 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol - and just as I turned the corner and looked up, there it was this huge expanse of sea, the mountains and the lovely white boats bobbing in the water and I got goose bumps - Life is Good - my friend used to say that to me - now I know what he meant - and as I was walking, I passed an old friend who met her beau in Africa - this Adonis of a guy who she used to chat with ever single day upon her return on Skype - and there they were a family now - her pushing the pram and him twisting the 2 year old in the air - she pops up in my life from time to time to remind me that miracles do happen - it's been a really lovely day.

Anyways, I must come to a close as it's 6pm on Sunday night and I'm hungry and have 4 episodes of Corr'rs to watch before I get tucked up in bed and listen to my regular Sunday night meditation :) Have a super week y'all and I will do my absolute best from here on in to write more often.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w


 

Waking from a sleep

It's amazing when you finally wake from a 'sleep' - asleep to life I mean - there's been a few BIG moments in the last few days for me. I sat at my desk about a week ago - with little to do - no fault of my own but just waiting for the $hit storm to arrive - it seems that we are always waiting for the 'sign off' from the 'powers that be' before we can make our own moves forwards. Not sure if the shift too has happened after 11-11-11 - there has to be some mention of that in here no matter how small. So anyways, back to sitting at my desk, I could just feel the anxiety kicking in - and I was starting to get really light headed - panic - my usual anxiety at work and wondering how long this gig is going to last - the day to day humdrum although I have to say that I do enjoy my colleagues - they're a nice bunch - but I feel that I should be doing more - I am not stretched and before the Universe delivers on this thought, let me also be clear that I am content to chug along until something better turns up - absolutely no more turmoil like the beginning of this year - and my desire to further myself will be on a part-time basis :)

So yes, I toddled off into the washroom and could literally feel the heat rising in my body - the panic was hitting me again - and I went back to my desk and had some 'rescue remedy' and then just knew that I had to get downstairs and get some fresh air - I had been absorbing so much of other peoples' crap that I just couldn't breathe - I found one of the comfy armchairs and it felt like the light fittings were just closing in on me - and I just couldn't 'see' clearly - it was like the lights were closer than they actually were and I knew that I was on the brink of an anxiety attack. I took the air into my lungs slowly and purposefully and put my little headphones in my ears and listened to my meditation music - closed my eyes - and after a few minutes caught hold of myself. And prayed - HARD! I was at a loss as to what had got me here - I know that things are on the cusp of a huge change for me - I don't know what that is yet - but I just know - the last time I had this feeling was when I was coming to Canada. That and the fact that I had been travelling at warp speed through the last two weeks - getting so much done. Then it hit me, just last weekend I found out that a very dear friend of mine is very sick - very very sick - and it toppled my world hearing that news in some way.

You can't help but look and reflect when something like that happens - at least for me - and I began to think of the other people that are in my life - separated by one or two degrees who are also going through a tough time right now - and I think it all just overwhelmed me - and I just felt all that panic. I had realized too that I had been pretty low in energy myself for as long as I could recall - almost since I got back from Australia - and after a few torrid events here in Vancouver and I just think that the stress of all that had just culminated over time. Funny that I looked into the 'health benefits' at work and found out that acupuncture sessions are covered - so right away I booked a session for the following evening.

I walked in there with my mile thick protection - dubious and dis-believing - what could this teeny tiny woman possibly do to 'fix' me - she was indeed beautiful - but very very softly spoken. She called me into one of the rooms and I sat on the bed while she was sitting on the stool - swinging my legs back and forth for a little while, she began to ask me what was I was concerned about - she already knew that I had a cold - virus thing - sinus thing too - and then she checked my pulse. She asked me what my energy levels were like - and I told her that for as long as I could recall it had been a real struggle to get up in the mornings - I was running on low - at a 3 out of 10 - with 10 being the optimum - and I then went onto tell her how sensitive and empathic I am sure, sure that she would think that I was a complete whack job - but to my absolute joy, she understood every single thing I was saying - and was able to piece me together. Assessing my body type, she was able to guide me on the nutrients that my body is lacking  in and then when I told her that I put a wall up to protect myself, she softly said "but then how do let in the magic?" - I swear I had tears in my eyes the size of cup cakes - ready to fall they were and I stopped them. And then she also said that living the way I am right now, I am functioning at bare minimum and if just 'believe' again and 'take chances' who knows what I will be able to achieve as I am capable of such great things. It was like going to see Katut in Eat Pray Love - my best friend will know what I mean as she reads this.

So today I was going to go see my friend in hospital - I woke up thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go - and it's not that I didn't want to see him but the commute and the thought in my head that there would be other things that I would not be able to get done. But when I got his text that he was good to see me, I could not have been more excited.






Walking up to his room, my tummy was doing a tumble and my heart was beating so fast - I was so scared of what I might see - how I would react and praying that I wouldn't cry - and as I turned the corner to his room and saw his small frail body getting up to straighten himself on the bed, I realized how blessed I was to have him as my friend - to have shared life with him - and I can't lie, the horror of seeing him this frail did hit me and as I sat down it all just went away - and there we were two friends sharing two hours - and chatting about this and that - and me being the usual 'Question Master' - there's always so much I want to know - and then there was a moment that we shared that I will never ever forget - along with a book he had wanted, I found a stone on my book shelf with 'Friends' written on it - and as I gave that to him, I was so choked up and that was it, tears tumbled - and he asked me to hold his hand and his tears from his big blue eyes tumbled too - and that moment was priceless - and like a little girl all I could say was "you are going to be okay aren't you?". We shared tales - and I spoke of work and how it doesn't fulfil my heart's desires and he asked me what would, and I told him that I want to get into counselling, life coaching, really helping people, helping them to transition in life - to take the steps that I have taken and am still taking. He helped me to realize my passions today - and that time I spent with him today was a true blessing - I am so glad I went - and I pray so so hard that he heal and get well again - more than anything. He told me it doesn't matter who has the best lawn or the best house or best whatever - what matters is the people who are in your life - the Loved Ones.

So for you who are my Friends reading this right now - I want you to know that I LOVE YOU dearly - and funnily as I thought that as I parked my bum on my couch when I got back home, my friend who just recently moved to Colombia called me to say the exact same thing - so there you have it 'the power of love' :)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBDF04fQKtQ

And sorry guys, can't get rid of that yellow background - I've tried everything - grrrrrr!!!!!!

Home

Almost a year ago to this day, he phoned me - the barman - out of the blue. Funny thing was that I had been thinking about him just that weekend - I was sat here watching some show about women who go to this boot camp thing to help them to get over unhealthy patterns in their lives etc. This one made me fume because each woman was wearing a t-shirt with the word 'branded' on them - the word that their so called 'loved one' had called from - so something like 'chunky' or a 'bitch' or 'useless' - so harsh and hateful words - and as I say, he just popped in my mind and I could just feel the anger in me gushing out to the point that I wanted to punch him. So when I heard his voice on the phone a few days later I was absolutely gob smacked.

He had had a drink or two just to pluck up the Dutch Courage - or at least that's what he told me. Of course I just went in for the jugular - and just told him straight that he had been a complete a-hole to me all those years ago - and in usual dense dip $hit style, he started to laugh at me - that's what he always used to do to throw me off - but you know when you're in a better place in yourself and feeling more grounded and safer, you just see things more clearly - and that's exactly what happened.

So here he was trying to play some kind of jedi trick on me - something that would have worked hands down ten years ago - no fail! But he wasn't sure how to handle me this time. So he went in telling me that he was coming here to Vancouver in the Spring and would I like to see him. And then he asked me some personal questions to find out if I was dating someone. And then he hit me with it - "Remember when we were watching that episode of Friends? The one where they all agree to marry each other if they are still single at the age of 40? Remember how we had both promised to marry each other if we were single by the time we reached 40? It would be such a tragic shame if you never got married and had children - you were born to be a mother".

It was classic - a classic jedi mind 'assault' - lets just try and take her down - get her where it hurts - and of course when I 'held myself' and stood grounded and firm in my space, and said that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with him, he changed his tactic. I could not believe what I was hearing - I think there were a few times when I actually threw up in my mouth thinking about what he was proposing - because as sure as the sun rises in the sky, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than entertain the thought of having a relationship with that 'emotional freak'. So I was steadfast and stubborn in my response - making it clear that this was never gonna happen.

Then the trigger to his call came out - his mom had antagonized him on the phone a few days earlier - apparently she had ruffled a few feathers with one of his brothers - and was then accused of interfering. Which then led to her asking the barman whether she had ever intefered in his life - to which he replied without a blink "Yes, you came between me and the only woman I have ever loved" - meaning me of course. When he shared this with me, I have to tell you that my heart melted just a tad. I felt this overwhelming compassion for him and realized that he was in pain.

This was this poor wretched guy's last ditch attempt to win me back - and he had had to have a drink to muster up the courage to call me. I knew then how much it must have taken for him to make that call. And then as soon as I opened my heart to him, and saw him as a human in pain, he gave me the one thing I had been looking for for all those years after we parted ways. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that there had never been anyone in his life like me and that he deeply regretted the way he treated me - he was sorry for all the dreadful things he did and said. Poor guy. And I couldn't help it - I just cried - they were deep rooted tears - I cry like that only sometimes - it feels like a dam opens up and it's not even the amount but the concentration of the tears. They feel heavy as they fall. And I could feel my heart healing. I felt so sorry for those two kids who had met 20 years earlier - naiive and young - with their whole lives ahead of them. I felt his pain - and I realized that I didn't want to hurt him anymore - there were no more thoughts of vengeance or hurting him the way he had hurt me - we had just done the best that we could with the tools that we had at that time.

I don't know why this has been coming up for me the past few days - I think it's after I went to meet with a friend at a local convention just this past weekend - 3 times I went to her stall at the exhibition and 3 times she was too busy - and I was so hurt by this because I had made such an effort and was so excited to see her. I just wanted a big fat hug and to have some 'safe' time to talk and share with someone who knows where I am coming from. And as I walked away, I kept thinking that I would have created that time and space for someone - for a friend in that same situation - so why didn't she? - why was she so blocked to sharing that time and space with me? - and from sharing that love? - and then I remembered that what is happening on the outside is a reflection of what is happening on the inside - I was doing the exact same thing - I have after all the pain and hurt in my life built a fortress around myself that has been almost a mile thick if that is possible. I have not let anyone close since the barman - on some level even with all the low life things the Slovenian did, he still didn't stick a chance and I am reminded of that too when I want to be melancholy and wallow.

So it's time to be open to love again - time to be open to life - I was chatting to my colleague at work about it today - I have gone from one extreme to the other - from doing crazy things in my life and making ludricrous choices to putting myself behind bars - where nothing and no one can get in - all because it feels safe - really???? Sometimes when I pick a Goddess card and the Goddess Aine tells me to 'take a risk and follow my heart', that's when I feel this pang in my heart that makes me want to pack my suitcase and get a return ticket to Australia - and I bottle it every time - and I think that the reason I do that is because I still love him, that Slovenian - and I grant myself with the fact that we may or may not be 'meant' to be together - but imagine if I leave this life with him not knowing how I have felt all these years - that would be the most tragic thing of all. 8 years ago I didn't bat an eyelid when making that decision to chase his a$$ here to Vancouver and now I can't even muster up the courage to pick up the phone.

And some of this is not to be taken so literally - again it is just the story of what is happening on the inside - and as Aine says, I need to take that risk again - cos right now I am not living - I am passing time - if I was living I would be living my truth and on that beach in Bondii chasing waves and basking in the sun - if I was living I wouldn't have walked out of work with tears in my eyes today as I looked up at the dark 5pm sky and dreaded the thought of yet another Xmas alone - another Xmas without a loved one. Something has got to change!!!!! I need to figure out what that thing is going to be.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning with this song in my head - I didn't even know who sang it and hadn't even heard the whole song before until I found it on youtube that morning - I think it's divine :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjky7v7JIow