Wishes

 

 

They all come with lessons, these experiences called life. I came home last night after a couple of glasses of wine knowing exactly what I had to do, and it all coincided nicely with the 'Blue Moon' - not too sure what a 'Blue Moon' is but I do know that the night of a full moon is the best time to let go of old 'stuff' - to release. I removed him from LinkedIn - and how nuts does that sound, that one of the most painful things that I have done so far in years is to remove someone from my LinkedIn contacts - but so symbolic - I know that one day he will look as his 'whose looked at me list' and although he will see my name, I won't be there as a connection anymore. I wonder how he will feel if anything at all. You see for weeks now we have been playing a game of tennis, where one day he looks at my profile and a few days later I look at his - without an exchange of words. So I thought instead of being a dick, I would send him a text message - and did - and of course still no reply after 4 days. He probably had me down as some right deseprado by now - but in all honesty I don't care what he thinks as how could he know anything about me when we haven't exchanged anything but text messages in two months. But anyways back to the night of deleting him - and then I went and found the piece of paper that he had given me with his number on it - and thought about it long and hard before my fingers started doing the talking and shredded it and flung it in the toilet bowel.

 

Now let me be very clear none of this was easy for me - I cried and cried and cried - and cried even more when I went back and saw that the ink from the pen he had used had turned the water in the bowel a funny colour - I have no idea why that set me off. I have the contents of 2 Tesco's carrier bags hanging from my eyes today - and it doesn't really feel any better than it did yesterday. And I am still wondering and trying to make sense of why I have had such a tough time with this.

 

Why do we run from love - why did he run from love? Okay so if he ran from love then that means I run from love as he is a reflection of me otherwise I would not have attracted him into my life - and as I stood at the kitchen sink washing my dishes I remembered that as a child I would equate love to strings and attachments and some type of ownership and imprisonment - that some guy would some how trap me and want me to be his property - I have no idea why at such a tender age I had these notions. But that was it - the lightbulb moment - all the guys that I have ever truly fallen for have been the same way - here I am trying to love them and the more I love them, the faster they run - and run and run. Thinking that same thing that I did - that in some way I was trying to possess them, own them - take away their freedom.

 

 Nothing could be further from the truth - I don't want to own anybody. I heard something said in a movie yesterday, some cheesy chick flick about the number of guys some chick had slept with - 'What's your Number' I think - and in it she says 'Being In Love Means Being Yourself' - never a truer word spoken - aren't we all just looking for that 'special' someone that will ove us just the way we are. I feel like I am off topic as my thoughts are all over the place at the moment.

 

 Anyways when I woke this morning there was no regret - there was no 'Oh fuck what have I done?' as I know that I have done the right thing. I popped on my laptop to play my meditation music - it is something that I have started to do just recently as I feel that it is important to create that space for serenity and sanctuary to come into your morning so that it sets you up for the day - and I carried on looking at the links and my fingers found the most beautiful video I think I have ever seen - and a song that plays toward the end. OMG it is like 'heart music' - it also sounds like the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.

 

I've had it on replay all afternoon.

 

I'm going to say it and I know that some of you will think that I am crazy - but I think I was in love with him - and I don't mean the sticky love that comes from those words that people say often times when what they mean is 'don't ever leave me as I don't know what I would do without you' - it was the unconditional love that had opened up after my 'dating and sex' session 2 months ago - you see the thing is my heart was WIDE OPEN - probably the most open it has ever been - and I was happy that night when we met in that club - and when I saw him, I feel the connection instantly - and to hold him felt like the most natural thing I have ever done - and I didn't want to jump him - it felt purer than some base need to screw - I felt like I had found what I had been looking for - and even if just for those few hours when my heart stayed wide open and I have no recollection of saying goodbye a part of me wishes that we hadn't exchanged numbers - that all this fear and baggage had not had space to take root to destroy all that love. And I would have smiled at a memory instead of feeling this clamp in my chest right now - this heaviness that keeps me grounded in pain. But what I wish more than anything else in the whole world is that I had never told a soul about him - not a thing - na-da - I wish that I had not opened myself up to their doubts and their experiences and their bullshit - that's what I wish.

 

So that is my take-away from all of this - for once in my life to keep shut - and to listen to my own guidance.

 

I have attached the link to the song that I found this morning - the lyrics are beautiful - and if you go to the second link you will hear it play alongside the awesome video I found too (play it from 48 minutes along until the end if you are pushed for time). Is there ever a doubt that He guides us to find what we need just when we need it? I don't think so :)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdCRtQTL6LM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEk0bamXv6k&feature=related

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Dream Crushers

Two weeks ago I was out and about 'hitting the town', wearing my lovely new clothes that I had bought from the UK and my 50's inspired pink heels that I had spent time and effort on with a hair dryer to stretch them out so that they would not completely 'kill' my toes by the time the night was over. It started off being a pretty drab night as people just weren't getting into it and of course with that, I became more and more anxious - forever the worry wart and hoping that everyone was having a good time.

Finally on the arrival of 2 of my girlfriends and countless shots of 'Patron', the party livened up. And before we knew it we were all in a limo driving to the Downtown core to go to a nightclub that I hadn't been to in all the years that I had been here. We walked in, and I looked around, kids of all ages, shapes and sizes, some drunker than others and all seeming to have fun. It really was a very rowdy crowd. And then as we hit the dance floor, out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy full on checking me out, eyes the most intense I have ever been witness to before and I felt that for a split second I had been put under a trance - the seconds seemed to drift in slow motion - and he moved around us and walked off with his friend. I thought nothing more of it and we danced some more and got drinks and settled in a spot not too far from the bar.

There I was boogeying and bopping away having a jolly old time - turned around and there he was sitting there on a stool, looking at me as some girl was stood inbetween his legs giving him the come on for sure. I thought it best to let them crack on and carried on dancing and glancing over every one in a while just so that he knew that I still had him covered :)

Over came a very drunk 20 year old boy who was trying to ask me for a dance, but barely able to stand and gob smacked when I told him how old I was, he moved on :) So then back to my guy, still chatting to the girl, still giving me a 'once in a while' glance - so I waited and waited. At long last, she turned around and walked away and I knew that this was it - this was the time to out all the previous night's seminar work into action - to embrace my 'inner slut' and to be open to love again - so I just thought f**k it - I'm gonna go and talk to him - which is exactly what I did - 'hi my name is........., how are you?'. He was lovely - just lovely - not some ratbag dude just looking to get laid - I could feel the sincerity in his eyes and he just grabbed my hand and rushed me to the dance floor.

Hand on heart the best dance ever - and we just hugged - it was so so beautiful - he didn't make a move to snog me or do anything besides be` in that moment - and after we just went back to our little spot and held hands like teenagers. And then hugged some more - I wanted to kiss him so bad, but my friends were kinda front row and I thought it tacky, plus I feared that the room would start to spin as I had had quite a lot to drink by then.

He didn't have his phone on him so he wrote his number down on the back of a receipt - and I did the same thing - "I'm not ringing you first" was the very next thing that I said - I was determined that I wasn't going to chase his ass - and we smiled and hugged some more. Then the lights came on - the night was over and I had to get my friend home as he had almost fallen asleep on the stool. So the guy and his friends left.

Next day I text him and he replied and said "I want to see you again really soon" - that was 2 weeks ago - so that was a bloody long 'really soon'.

But let me also add this, every single person that I have told this tale too, and I wish to God that I had kept my gob shut, has had something to say - dream crushers the bloody lot of them - yes it is not their fault for trapping off but mine for listening, I did the same thing with the Slovenian. And I have now in the space of just 2 weeks sabotaged it, pushed him away, he's probably just shy of thinking that I am a loony toon and won't touch me now with a barge pole. So we have had "Oh well, at least your heart is open again and if it doesn't work out blah blah blah", "Oh he must be out fucking a blonde that's why he hasn't called you", "Oh you mustn't have any expectations", "Oh he's just not that into you" and the list goes on and on and on.

And here I am thinking, do I do this to you? Do I shit all over your happiness when you tell me a story? Do I sit there and judge and throw your shit back in your face. 9 times out of 10, I am confident that I do not. In fact I have been called Pollyanna more than once as I always have a positive spin. So listening to this bullshit, and with the now impregnated seeds of doubt, I have fucked it up. Cos let's face it I don't deserve a happy ending, I will not find my prince and I will be the one paying for sperm one day.

I feel like nobody believes in me anymore, they question my guidance and my intuition and to make things worse, I end up doing exactly what they say - so perhaps they are just reflecting my own doubts back to me.

So Friday night was the last straw as I listened to an old friend over drinks banging on about how I should date some more guys too and out myself out there - not have any expectations - to which after 3 hours of badgering me I just finally said "I wish you would just shut the f&&k up". Of course he hated me for it - stormed off after he said that he will never talk to me again. So there you have it, no guy and one less friend, potentially.

Happy now? Happy that I can be that same person that I have always been - would a change in my circumstance threaten you so much that you have to keep crushing my happiness...........................all I ask is that you think before you say something next time or as my Mom says, if you`ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all`!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dear friend Alex passed away a few days ago, I already miss him dearly, I know that he would have said `Homes, take no notice of those bastards, and do what makes you happy`. I hope that wherever you are Alex that the sun shines on you every day, every moment of every day, I miss how you made me laugh.

I`ve fucked up again Alex.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbu672bwBjo

Wooden Heart

It always looked the same - the walls - the blue on the walls - with the white white ceiling with the white trim - the closet in the bottom right corner - the desk - the cassette player - the lamp - the tape cassettes under the bed - the boxes - the crap - the mounds of crap - the almost thread bare carpet - the pink quilted cover on the single bed - pushed up on the top right corner of the bed - and her - there she was staring up at the ceiling - staring at the 'Santana' poster on the wall with the picture of the red mountains - and 'Santana' written on the top right on the frame - legs spilling over the side of the bed and with her back on the bed - 'God where are you?', 'God where are you?', 'God where are you?', 'Grandmom, why don't you come up the stairs, why don't you stop this from happening, why don't you get him off me?', 'Please get him off me', 'Please make him stop', 'Please get him off me'. He had her pinned to the bed. Staring in her eyes - hard and pressing into her small frame - she didn't know what that hardness was - but it felt wrong - whatever it was felt wrong. And then turning her face this way and that - she was trying to escape from his advances - from his mouth as he forced her to kiss him - 'If you kiss me once, properly, if you kiss me properly I will stop', 'Kiss me properly and I will stop'.

She stood in the back garden watching the ants crawling up the red walls of the red brick enclosure - she could see the pink and the yellow of the roses that were also crawling up the walls - walking over to them she picked the most beautiful of them all - in her attempt to touch it she caught her 6 year old hand on a thorn - and the bead of blood began to form a trail down her palm. It was then that she made a decision - a decision that 'life was cruel, life hurt' - in that searing heat she ran inside and tumbled on the couch, she peeled melon pips in her mouth to eat the seeds - TV on - she learnt that Elvis Presley had died - he was dead - the guy that she loved was dead - she continued to pop melon pips in her mouth, peeling them between her teeth while Granny made dinner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTjkPAZvcWw

The Illusion

A deep sadness has loomed over me for weeks now - weeks - days - hours - minutes - night after night just me, myself and I - and my questions - lots and lots of questions. You know when you have forgotten what it feels like to belly laugh - and find peace? I haven't heard a peep from the guy - not a thing - not a text - not a missed call - nothing at all! And yes, you have to have as sense of perspective - but I'm sure we've all been there - I can't help getting back to the same point, if I just knew what had happened, why he changed his mind, in fact if anything changed, or did he just not have the gumption to follow through - would it not have been fair just to let me know that he made up his mind and decided to stay in the situation that he was in? Or should I just assume because of the silence?

One evening this week, I was sitting here watching the 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' - honestly it's just about the only time that I stop thinking over and over and over - I think half the reason I do that is cos I have nothing else going on - it's different isn't it when you're around family - life happening - or kids to cook tea for - or errands to run - or friends popping by - just something - life? And I was so lost in my thoughts seconds after the show finished, that I knew the only way to stop the 'monkey mind' was to do my meditation - so that is exactly what I did - I prayed first that God point me in the right direction - provide me with some answers.

I lay down in bed and talked to myself - as I used to when I was a little girl - and I listened to my story - bottom line is is that I am feeling really really hurt - I'm hurting - maybe because I am feeling rejected, not good enough, abandoned or just plain confused. How do you go from such a lovely day to an exchange albeit over the cell phone to 'nothingness'? I was so confused. So I started to look at the situation from the outside - away from all the fantasy - and illusion - the illusion and fantasy tale that I myself had created. And it came to me - crystal clear - I had created this whole story - making him the 'ideal' - 'the one' - the one I was meant to be with - the foundation of that being the amount of times fate had brought us together - surely that was proof enough!?!  But then stepping out of the illusion and the movie that I had created, I asked myself 'so how would it really go now if he did text me, how would it go if we did meet up for a drink?'.

I am not sure that there is a single thing that he could say to me that could compensate for the hurt that I have felt over the past few weeks - not a thing - even 'sorry' would miss the mark unless he was about to own his stuff - and then would we really be able to sit there and have that candid a conversation? And then imagine the coffee date, lying there I pictured it - even with all the pleasantries, part of me would be hissing - again hurting over the time that has passed by and him leaving me with 'nothing' by way of closure. Smile on my face - but deep down I would know that he has done something to me that feels so cruel - because it reminds me so much of how the Slovenian treated me - and with that knowledge you know the something that I know? I know that he could do it to me again and again and again. Once bitten twice shy. I have been driving myself crazy insane over someone I know nothing about - I don't know his favourite colour, movie, song, food - nothing!!!!!  I haven't even touched him - and here I am creating an illusion. Putting him into the deluded picture of bliss that I have in my head that never materialises anyway.

My definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I figure bollocks to him - the story and the illusion - bollocks to that story I had written and high time that I found me a new one - one that is forged in reality - where I actually have a 'Happy Ending' for me! And now what, what will happen when I see him at the next work event, or the next Xmas party - well I'll do what I know how to do - I will glaze my eyes over and look straight through him as if I am looking through a window - and he will never ever know the hurt he caused me - the hurt I caused me.

I remember a friend of mine once said to me 'you only have to get it right once' - I guess my panic is will I ever get it right at all?

And I hope now that I can finally wake from the sadness that swept over me for days and days and days.

Apart from that not much else has been going on - not that I've been aware of anyways - I have bought myself 10 hot yoga classes and will do my best to get back to classes over the long weekend. All my favourite shows have started up for the spring, 'Mad Men' and 'Game of Thrones'. Work is going well - some challenges but nothing too crazy. The cherry blossom is out and the leaves are starting to bud on the trees outside my apartment window which is super nice to see. Spring is finally here :)

I found this link during the week - how timely :) Have a lovely week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYPK985IQYM&feature=related

Sometimes he really does knock on the front door - part two

So where were we? Oh yeah - so we've just got back from the morning out of the office - and I received a text message from him cos I had left my water bottle in his van - have I said this before? I can't remember. So he had sent me a text to say that he had dropped it off upstairs for me - I joked with him saying that it has just been a ploy cos honest to goodness the thought had crossed my mind to do that so that he would be in touch :) I didn't think that I would actually leave it there in my angst as I was falling out if the van :) I text back the next day asking him if it was quiet without my nuisance, and it just went slowly but surely from there. All week saying nice things to each other - fun things - and by the weekend we were still in a good spot. Of course it felt wrong though too knowing that he had this weekend away planned with his girlie - but it's like anything that feels good, you just don't want to give it up!

The weekend was strange though - I felt us dis-connect - not sure if it was my own insecurities or what - my own doubts - and projecting my stuff on him - but not hearing from him that day, all the thoughts in my head began to come from a negative space - like I was playing an old movie of stuff that has happened to me in the past. So yep - I created it by expecting it. Monday I got that text that he wanted to do the right thing and take a step back until things were sorted out with the girl. At first I was mature about the whole thing - until my ego took over and I then sent a text that was a little 'bitchy' - and of course not long after I got the dreaded 'maybe this ain't gonna work' rubbish - so there you have it - I'd f**ked it up - royally. I was a hot mess for days - thinking back on it and wishing to goodness that I had never said that to him - but it was too late now. And that is pretty much where things have been left for now - I haven't heard from him since - and in all fairness I haven't said anything either. I could of course kick myself for the way things are at the moment - but one good thing has come out of it, at least now I have been able to deal with all the emotional stuff that it triggered.

I hope that we do get to talk some time soon - it would be an awful shame if that really was it - f**king nightmare this relationship stuff - when will I ever get it right and stop acting out? - out of panic and fear - cos that is what happened. Wish I knew what triggers that - I get like that a lot actually :(

I went to see my tarot lady last week and she saw him in the cards straight away - so let's wait and see if what she said comes true :) I'll keep that under my hat for now.

This posting is gonna be a short one - I know that's lame but it's late Sunday night and I am feeling a bit on edge for some reason and am gonna head to bed and do my meditation - feeling anxious for some reason.

My friend has also introduced me to another guy - from Toronto which is freaking miles away - but it does act as a distraction - he does send an awful lot of text messages though - too many in fact - I think day one I got about 30 messages and the same on day two - all or nothing isn't it. It's kinda freaked me out a bit - I mean who has all that time to be texting? - don't know why people don't just pick up the phone and talk to each other. I said that too. He sent another one today about noonish, but I just said I was heading out the door - otherwise 2 more hours of thumb ache.

So that's me - nothing too crazy to share - I've been mega busy at work - working on some really senior stuff and am in a really good place :) Happy that the days are longer - our clocks went forward last week - so spring is in the air and the cherry blossoms are out already.

Okay - that's all for now - have a lovely week - and now that my evening shows are all finished I hope to be writing more often again! :)

Sometimes he really does just knock on the front door

I was sitting there at the end of the table waiting to be told who I would be out on the road with - clock had just turned to 7.55am and I had a face like a smacked bum - I had been up since 4am - sketched out and pissed that I would have to do this thing, this 'ride' thing for the whole morning. Truth is, I was just being a princess. I had got a cab there to avoid the risk of parking and having to walk in the pissing rain - it was absolutely chucking it down. And just as the clock struck 8, in he walked and my heart near fell out of my chest as I turned away, telling myself 'be cool, be cool' - don't look at him - my eyes would have given the game away - I was suddenly thrilled to be there and praying in my head that I would end up in the van with him.

Months ago, in fact back in September of last year there had been something up with my digital cable box - so it meant that sometimes I was able to get the movies on demand, and other times I wasn't. So working for a cable company and all, my colleague set up a service technician to come out to my home and find out what was going on. So I waited - and waited - and waited - until finally just before the close of the 5pm to 8pm window, I got a call from the 'cable guy'. By now I was in my comfy clothes, hair up in a bun and probably not even a scrap of make-up on my face, I can't quite recall - I do hope though that I had taken the paper-clip like hair grips that I use to keep my fringe from my face off :) And in he walks - this 6 foot something piece of 'lovely' was standing there in my apartment - and all I could think was 'F**k I look a mess' :) He was training some other guy, so there were in fact 2 of them. He was very factual and knowledgeable and of course I shared the fact that I worked in the Downtown location of the same company - and of course neither one of us could over step a boundary due to the work thing - plus the fact that there was another guy in the room too. So he said that he would call me in a couple of days to make sure that everything was okay.

And in fairness, he did call, and I did think that that was one great bit of customer service - but maybe he felt that he had to do that as we work for the same company. I didn't call him back - didn't see the point - afterall what would I have in common with a technician? - I do know how awful that sounds in hindsight - but it was how I justified things at the time. I did tell my colleague how 'fine' the technician was and left it at that.

Just a few weeks later we had our quarterly meeting just across the street - must have been about 300 of us in total - some of us from the office and some of us technicians - and yes, you guessed it - he was there! I was kinda hoping he'd see me, but it wasn't meant to be and there was no way on earth that I was going to go up there and introduce myself to him - but my colleague got a look at him and agreed with me - a fine and very lovely guy :)

Which leads me to the Christmas party - I was stuck with 'Mr Boring' all night - my colleague had obviously taken some sleeping pills before venturing out that night - he was such a bore - I wished I had taken one of my girlfriends with me so that I could have danced and had a laugh. So just as we're about to leave, there he is again 'Mr 6 foot 2' chatting to some guy - so I just stepped in there and introduced myself - he remembered me which was a good thing - no honest - he really did, he remembered the job that he had done at my place - so that really was a good sign - but with 'Mr Boring' at my side, who he would think was my date, I had no chance of taking this thing any further AGAIN! 'Mr Boring' did suggest that we stay on a little later and I could make a play for him, but I just wasn't in the mood - plus my feet were KILLING me!

So that brings us to me sitting there at the end of the table awaiting my 'ride' partner - and wishing it would be 'Mr 6 foot 2' who still hadn't noticed me - he was just 3 or 4 feet away from me as he got something out of his locker - but I still turned my head the other way. And then holy moly, my wish was granted and over comes the lady telling me that I was heading out for the morning with 'Mr 6 foot 2' - JACKPOT!!!!!!  I was ecstatic - but kept my cool - grinned at myself in the washroom mirror like a cheshire cat and waited for him to come and sit down - then as soon as I opened my mouth, he recognized me and blushed - awwww :) Perhaps he was on the same track as me :)

So off we went - me buckled up in the front of the van - brolley in tow - pissing rain - blissfully happy. And I just told myself that I was totally going to put myself out there - let him see how much fun I could be - have a laugh :) So that's exactly what I did - I had a great way of getting in there to find out if he was single or not - just started talking about the lack of decent men here in Vancouver, the perils of dating and the certain perils of online dating - so of course that got the conversation in full swing. I asked him why guys give you their number and then never call back after they've asked for yours' online - and what's with this 72 hour rule - all these dumb dating rules - playing games more like.

Anyways to cut a long story short we had the best time - covered a lot of ground - he was an absolute gentleman from start to finish - opening doors for me - even held my brolley over me at one point so that I wouldn't get wet - we giggled - we laughed - and we shared - oh and then we had lunch together - it was there that he told me that he had had the best day EVER! Wowser!

Okay so there was one thing - there always is isn't there? - he had met a girl just a few weeks ago and they had planned to go away for the weekend to figure out if this was worth pursuing or not. My tummy took a tumble and I felt sick - history repeating itself - right from my first ever crush when I was 16 years old - and he too had some chick that he was dating. Second fiddle again! But for some reason this time it felt different. But hey that doesn't mean that I didn't do everything I could to f**k it up - of course I did - all my stuff came up and all those old wounds were left wide open again - and I was swirling in panic mode in just a matter of days.

We'll talk about that next time - I have to run cos it's late and I want to read before bedtime.

Bye All :)

Authenticity

So here we are, Sunday afternoon in Vancouver and I can hear the rain and the cars travelling up and down the street. I have just read some of the news on Whitney Houston - how sad - I remember when she 'came out' when we were just teenagers - 'How Will I Know' and 'I Want To Dance With Somebody' - I loved those songs - still do! What a terrible shame. And the Grammy's are on TV - don't know half of the artists to be honest - and boy do some of those girls need to cover up.

So what's been going on with me? I've had a tumultous time letting go of all that stuff at work - so much so that I ended up taking a day off work on Thursday - I was completely drained and knew that I was in a really fragile space - if I didn't do something to heal this thing and quick I would no doubt have sabotaged everything again. Said or done something that would have ended up in devastation.

I woke up puffy eyed on Thursday - with stomach cramps from something I'd eaten - I had spent an hour on the phone with my friend who has cancer - and it's fair to say that perspective was the order of that conversation. I had had a drink with another friend straight after work and was starting to think that all the 'crazy' was me - after all why had I been in this situation so many times before - why was this person at work turning up in my life over and over again? - I was the common denominator - so it had to be about me - I was creating this movie - this story. I was chatting to my friend about prospects in my current role and also about getting into life coaching again. Fact is, the courses are pretty much all full-time unless you do something online and then they're never quite the same - I mean you don't get to meet anyone then do you? So we drank and I twittered on about 'you know who' - my apparent nemesis at work and I was really working to a solution. I was actually getting to the point where I was completely and utterly sick of thinking about him and work and it!!!! So I came home and my other friend had sent me an email - he was in a lot of pain - and I called him as soon as I read it - God love him, I bawled for an hour - non-stop - blubbering - took his mind of his own stuff for a while though no doubt and I did check in to make sure that I was okay rambling on. Amazing how much stuff comes up when you've had a drink - or two :)

I was beginning to think that it was time that I went home to the UK - time to be with my family again - although I knew in my heart of hearts that that wasn't the answer either - it would be nice for a few weeks - perhaps after a holiday abroad and then the thought of being on public transport day in day out on the way to and from work in the UK makes my stomach churn - just the madness of the place really. Especially so after being here for so long.

So I woke up that morning thinking that another reading with Ming was in order - but I could hear my BFF's words in my ears - that wasn't the answer and I couldn't get an appointment either. And then I thought about Matthew - the sound healer - the guy that does the body work and reiki and no word of a lie, the minute I asked out loud if I should call him, up pops an email from him about one of his sessions at the local yoga studio - so of course I saw that as a sign and emailed him straight away and got a booking for 3.30pm - 3 hours of waiting time - I was neither here nor there - but managed to pass the time.

So I drove there after eating my tuna sandwich - I may have said this before but the basement to that house has a really low ceiling so you feel like you are an extra in the 'Lord of the Rings'. And there he was Matthew looking at me with his kind eyes - it amazes me just how much love and understanding just oozes out of him - without a single drop of judgement - and I rattled off the whole tale of the dude at work and how it was all affecting me and throwing me off balance - and no doubt I was owning my stuff too - I told him 'I can behave like a 6 year old sometimes, and this 'person' and what he represents turns up at my workplace all the time' - and then he was just quiet for a few seconds, felt like a really long time - so I asked him what he was thinking and he said ' I am excited for what you have set up for yourself - the lesson and healing that you take away from this will open up a huge door for you - and it is a huge opportunity to heal - and you wouldn't attract anything more than you could handle at any one time' - he had of course hit the nail right on the head.

So for the next 90 minutes or so, he worked to massage my body - get the energy flowing again - worked with me to send healing energy to my liver and spleen - the two organs that take a bashing when you're going through a lot of emotional stuff and then he blew through a huge shell that he had and shifted all the 'crap' and debris that was coming up and out of me. It's amazing how light you feel and how much energy you have after one of his sessions. Oh and then the other thing he told me was that I was to lay off the caffeine for a while - I was like 'oh $hit' - that's the only crutch I have - but truthfully I had had the same thought - I was noticing that every morning after my green tea, I was really strung out and twitchy and it was really throwing my emotions about all over the place - so much so that I felt like I was one of those hamster wheels for the whole day - it's amazing how much better I feel just after 3 days of just a little caffeine - I have just a baby cup of matcha tea in the morning and it doesn't make my heart race or my body heat up. So I'm sold - I think it was the caffeine overload that was making my brain just obsess over the 'stuff' and problems and I just wasn't able to get out of the loop. So something you may like to try out if you're feeling wiggy.

Also a huge thing that came up for me was the fact that I had been focusing on the negative stuff about my colleague and not seeing that his behavior was down to his own wounding - and once you get to a place of compassion and love - and remove yourself from his path and see yourself instead on your own - it's easy to break free from the 'crazy'. So I went in the next morning and thanked him for his words of praise a few days earlier and explained that I suck at giving compliments cos it just hasn't been my first and foremost mode of thinking - I'm not complaining about this right now, but I do recall that as kids, we were rarely and barely ever told that we had done something good - it was always the other way around, it was always a focus on what we had done wrong - and then as kids we felt bad and then trying to get back into our parent's good books again - so it was just this constant stress all the time - and as I have said before, if my parents had known better then, they would have done better. They're both pretty awesome now to be fair, Mom especially when it comes to telling me how proud she is of me - but you know how it is, parents have this way of just chopping you at your core cos they know with exact precision where your wounds are. So long story short, I just figure it was time for me to give this guy at work a break - to let the 6 year old in me go play and support me instead of acting out and being 'naughty'. He was thrilled when I commended him and Friday was a lovely day - it was nice to know that we had both gotten over a hurdle and reached a compromise. And I felt proud of myself too.

So there you have it - the big change since I last wrote. Apart from that nothing exciting has happened really - I've been out a couple of times but nothing too fancy - and no hangovers - and no men :) I'll be glad when Spring is here in just a few weeks time. I've started watching the new 'Spartacus' series, it's just as fabulous as the first two - although Andy Whitfield is still the hottest! :) I watched that movie 'Shame' with Michael Fassbender and he is my new celebrity crush - smoking!!!! Oh and I saw that move ' The Descendants' with George Clooney - thought it was pretty crap actually - don't know what all the hype is about - oh and I am reading 'The Help' - amazing book - the movie has already won a whole heap of awards.

Okay well Happy Monday to you all - and just as my tale proves, don't doubt your ability to affect just one person by a simple action - and even if it's something that feels awkward, compassion really is love manifested :) Say something nice to someone - a smile in the corridor or at the photocopy machine! 

This tune gives me goose bumps! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfPOXmT9HMA&feature=related