14 hours to being a Canadian

Well here I am sitting here writing, 14 hours from a dream that I had as an 11 year old in the front room of someone's house in England.

Happy New Year to you all by the way - this posting will be short and sweet - I was just washing my face and thinking my best friend at home checks my site every day and I must make the effort to write something especially for her :) I am 30 pages from the end of my book, "The Aleph", so I'm keen to get to bed and need to rest for the big day tomorrow.

My colleagues have been so sweet - one of the girls is having a shindig round at her place - so we have our work group going and then a few of my other friends too so who knows where the night may end. She's got Canadian flags and balloons and everything and is joining me for the actualy ceremony in the morning. We all have to swear allegiance to the Queen - be there for about 2 hours and then into work for a short day - it's been such a crazy few weeks at work - it will be a shock to the system to do a full week next week - back to the 5 day work week until Easter.

I went back to see Randall last Friday - back to do some EFT and this time I had something specific in mind - the Slovenian - we needed to work on what was keeping me in that space - and keeping me so strongly connected to him - hooked - obsessed - call it what you like. I had trouble with it all at the beginning cos I know that I was resisting the whole process - he's been there in my life for so long that a huge part of me didn't want to let go - was scared to let go because of what that open space would look like. So for the first few minutes I kept going off into space somewhere. Then we got to the attachments - the cords - the anger, the dissappointment, the grief, the guilt and my thinking that I needed to suffer in tis way to learn what I needed to learn, which of course isn't true - life lessons don't have to be that hard - really.

It was funny what Randall said, maybe the two of us had an agreement - maybe the Slovenian came into my life to give me the reason and the courage to fight for my dream - is it a coincidence that of all the people I could have met on any beach in Australia, I met one who lived in Canada at the time - someone who made me see that I didn't have to be cruel to myself, 'are you a masochist?' were his excat words - to hold myself - to be more secure - I think back to that tale of the "Little Soul and The Sun" and swear that some how it all ties in - perhaps we did have an agreement before we came forth into this life - that he would come into my life and get me on track - on the right path - it's been a hard journey. It would be nice if he took something away from it too.

So there you go - no more negativity holding me in that space - nothing now but love and memories - I have to accept that they are just that, memories - no more fantasy - but I ain't gonna lie, I miss him - I miss the bones off him at the moment - I think I am just grieving - the way I should have done or could have done a decade ago but wouldn't let myself. I cry at the drop of a hat - feel empty - there's this vacuum to fill now - and this pie in the sky dream I had isn't going to come true - so now I have to find something to fill that void - but in the meantime I'm feeling a little lost. I went to my acupuncture session and burst into tears in front of the lovely lady. Oh well - what you gonna do hey? It's just a matter of time before I start venturing out again and meeting new people and having new experiences. Suka, my acupuncturist said that on some level I have chosen to be alone for all this time - and when I am ready, the right people, the right guy will turn up in my life.

So there you go - my Happy Ending :)

I will leave you with one of my all time favourites by Coldplay - listen to the words - they are truly beautiful - I hadn't heard the song in months and months and then I played in on my mp3 on the way to work on Tuesday - I was singing along the way I did before I met him - sitting on the beach in Byron Bay, up by the grass watching the waves roll in and out - happy times :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZSobH1wiiM

I Love You.

 

My Road Less Travelled

It's Christmas Eve - already - my how time flies - sitting here reading my book after watching a film that really got me thinking - 'Let's talk about Kevin' - be prepared for some really deep thoughts if you take that one on.

I bought 'Aleph' on the way home yesterday - the newest book by Paulo Coelho - I absolutely love every single book that he has written - and it never fails to amaze me that there is a message in each one of them for me - there is for every reader - but this one, well it just confirms that I am listening to my guidance - I am feeling a little dumb struck.

"And because I carried all that guilt around inside me, because victims always end up considering themselves to be the culprits, I decided to keep punishing myself. So in my relationships with men, I've always sought suffering, conflict and despair", Paulo Coelo - Aleph.

I walked out of the RMT's room last week - from the guy that does the deep tissue massage and he said to me 'You don't have to be drawn to pain anymore' - it was like a light bulb moment - we all have our guidance, knowing, inner knowing, teachings, things we've read or heard - and then someone somewhere says something so simple and so profound that it hits you right between the chest - and your heart explodes as confetti, stars and love hearts fill the air and tears fall like droplets from your eyes - cos you realize that your life really doesn't have to suck anymore - it really doesn't.

I had gone in there for my 4th session so far - I was like a grenade with the pin off - ready to explode - so much anger in me - I had been left devastated the night before - after having sent texts and after making phone calls to the people that mean something here to me, my circle of friends - I was left stranded on Friday night - my annual Christmas get together - the event that I organize. One by one, beginning on Thursday these 'friends' were falling off - excuse upon excuse - and I was so deeply wounded by the first 'excuse' email and triggered - once again I was that girl standing alone in the playground - without any friends - by Friday morning another text and then another and then another - another on the taxi ride home - until there were two - just two of us going - what a $hit show. I was feeling so unappreciated - I wished I had just stayed home to watch my soaps - single, alone and on my couch but at the very least safe and content.

By Saturday morning as I told the RMT as I walked in the room, I was like a stick of dynamite ready to blow. He said 'shall we try some EFT' - this involves body tapping - on the meridians to release build ups of emotions - we started with some drama at work - with someone who had behaved like a complete wanker for the last 2 days - realizing that I was pissed because he didn't share the same moral code as I did - and as the RMT got me verbalizing my anger followed by a positive affirmation, I felt the anger dissipate - until I saw him as a gift - someone that had got me to that dynamite space so that I could release it and heal.

Then the RMT said that it may also be a good time to do some healing around the inappropriateness of someones actions on me some years before during another massage session - someone who was not a professional and not qualified and obviously a f**king pervert who saw me coming a mile off. So we began - and of course it catapulted into something deeper - right at the core of me - and after some 30 odd minutes and hands over my face as I cried my little eyes out in front of this stranger - we got there - to how I had been punishing myself all these years - when you separate yourself from the story - you see that there's really nothing that you could have done differently. However, I had "always sought suffering, conflict and despair" with every single man I had ever attracted - ting ting ting jackpot!!!!!

You know when you've done something your whole life - and you realize that you don't have to do it anymore, it's like stepping into an abyss? - it's scary - ALL NEW - you have no map and no coordinates cos everything is new - so do I step off the edge or do I step back and go back to what I know? - well of course the answer is simple - it's time for this little butterfly to uncurl her wings and fly - I've been in this tower too long - tucked away - my heart is pounding - excited I think - creating my new story :)

I also had the most amazing news ever this week - I passed my citizenship test and will be a Canadian Citizen on the 6th January - it's the biggest thing I have ever achieved - when I think off all the obstacles that stood there in front of me the last 7 years trying to trip me and the people that wanted to see me falter - I thank God for those who carried me - and the most thanks goes to my Family - I miss them today like no other day- I know that they will all be sitting around the family table tomorrow eating Christmas Dinner - Mom will have cooked the lamb that by Brother loves so much - and my Dad will hold the knife and fork in his hands like a pro - good enough for a royal affair - and Mom will boil the kettle which will whistle out loud and pour the hot water to make gravy - my little Nephew will run around like a maniac before he is ordered to sit down - and me, me, I will sit here and pray again - hard - that God surrounds me with my loved ones next year. I can feel the skin on their cheeks pressed up on my lips as I can kiss them all - and oh how my heart hurts as I imagine how my Mom and Dad's eyes light up when we are together. I have often wondered why I separated myself from all that is so dear to me - and maybe I just felt that I didn't deserve them. No more!

Have a lovely Christmas all of you - and breathe them in - breathe in your loved ones - take a seond to be present when they look at you - smile at you - talk to you - your loved ones are your 'presents' :)

I know that I had promised to write more frequently but I kid you not the last two weeks have been mental busy both at work and socially. And there's no chance that I am going to get it all down in one sitting - thank goodness we have one lovely long weekend coming up next week. I am so looking forward to it. I am unable to do my usual 'italic' writing on here and to keep all the paragraphs aligned - so I will have to take a look at that over the next few days too.

I managed to stick my fingers together today with super glue - oh my gosh - if you could have felt the panic - there I was busily trying to get the amethyst back into the silver pendant frame and then I noticed that two of my fingers were bonded with glue - so frightening - I literally tore them apart hoping to God that I wouldn't tear the skin away too - thankfully after lemongrass oil, nail varnish remover and washing dishes I don't feel like I have lizard fingers.

Watched a great movie last night with Emily Blunt and Matt Damon - "The Adjustment Bureau" - it was very interesting - or at least I thought so.

So back to the Xmas party - in fact let's go back a little further than that - I met up for coffee with the Slovenians old best friend last week - the one that the Slovenian basically trained to be as big a jack ass as he was when it came to his philandering - and funny thing was the timing - I fianlly realized just the night before that I had created this whole fantasy with him, the Slovenian - a whole story - all these years on - some sort of romantic movie where I was the one playing it all out in my head - where in actual fact he was and has given me jack $hit for the last umpteen years. Okay so there is no need to beat myself up here - but it was an epiphany - and which woman wants that - a fantasy? It was not serving me in any way shape or form. So I prayed really hard that I would stop it - and stop drawing him into my life. And next morning I'm on LinkedIn and there's his mate's profile - he's back in Vancouver and I just said 'hi' as we had been talking on Skype a few months earlier.

I got an immediate response - in fact he was coming Downtown that afternoon for a conference and would I like to meet up for coffee? OMG my tummy did a tumble - why was this happening? What would I say to him 8 years on - I had bumped into him on the street about 6 years ago - but I was all of a flap. I have to add though that he was actually very good to me and very kind when the 'zipping' incident happened remember? The one where the Solvenian took the chick into his bedroom and came out zipping his pants up - well this was that guy - the one who literally scopped me up from having a breakdown.

So with my tummy hurling and erratic breathing I took the lift downstairs and met him in the foyer - and he was just as handsome and gentlemanly as I remembered him - we went for tea in the hotel restaurant next door - and we shared an hour chatting about this and that - his girlfriend and trip to Europe, work and the Xmas holidays - and not once did we bring up you know who - I have to say that my nerves went away after a few minutes. Not sure why I was so freaked out really - I think it was just weird to see someone from my past like that - someone that I connect with - but from a time in my life that I don't really connect with anymore. It was a great focal point to gauge how much stronger I am now.

So we are supposed to be going for a drink some time soon and I get to meet his girlfriend - not too sure how all that will go down - but it's always nice to hang out with good people - and he does have a level head on his shoulder - but I do not forget whose prodigy he was for a while back there.

So how are all the Xmas preparations going? Well I have managed to secure Xmas Day dinner at my colleagues family house - however with the evening commute over the bridge, I kinda wish I was staying home to watch my Xmas soap specials! :) I know, how ungrateful do I sound? My acupuncture sessions are going really well - as are my deep tissue massages - although yesterday we ended up doing EFT - emotional freedom technique - I was such a skeptic going in but it really did work - shifted loads of stuff that came up this week cos of work - boss was in town and I have not seen that much sucking up in a really long time - we will have to get to that next time as it's a story in itself. We got a really nice Xmas bonus though which was completely unexpected :) Excuse to go shopping - thinking of buying a new table and chairs for my place - I still have the IKEA one that I paid $10 for when I moved in here 7 years ago - think it's time for an upgrade! :)

Okay - gotta love and leave you - Sunday night and stuff to do before bedtime. Take care :)

p.s found the italic key and managed to get the paragraphs right - that'll settle my OCD :)

Magic

So where to start? I don't know - to stay here in the present or to go back to my tale again - I am honestly not sure at the moment - so let's just see where the words go. I have had a jam packed few weeks - it really has been an emotional roller coaster - happy - sad - anxious - happy - sad - anxious and I am only just beginning to truly realize how important it is for me to sit in stillness. My acupuncturist told me about 'valerian' - so I have been taking that as a natural remedy to just calm me down a little, especially my over-active mind just before bedtime - however combined with the melatonin, I am finding that I am in a very 'bonced out' state sometimes and it is hard for me to find words and communicate at work - it's so wierd when you are in actual fact a separate head space from the one that 'work' needs you to be in. It would be a lot easier to be in a retreat right now or laying on a beach where your mind can pretty much wander wherever it needs to.

So we have our Christmas party next weekend - it's going to be huge - so may people going and I have to say that I am really excited about it. I love it when people are all dressed up in there finest at these types of events - there will be music, drinks and food galore - and I am a little cautious as I haven't had a sip of alcohol for some weeks now - I didn't see the point in going out while I was focusing on healing by way of massage and the 'pin' sessions. I have to add too that I was a littel skeptical of the value of the 'pin' sessions as I call them until this weeks' which was my third session. The second she had put the 20 or so pins in my body and dimmed the light down in the room, I felt that shift in my body - you may get it too - it's similar to that feeling you have in your body the seconds leading up to 'falling asleep' - that shift - and that was it, I was completely relaxed and just 'let go' :) There is always a little bit of fear in me though, like for one thing, what if for some reason I needed to move, like really move and get up from the massage table - would one of these pins stick too far into me as I am trying to get up off the table? :) Silly really!

I got chit chatting with the lady this time - she said that she met her beau when she went to learn french in Paris - oh how romantic I thought - to go all that way and to fall in love - and now of course he is here with her in Vancouver - trying to find work but a steadfast lawyer at home in Paris - wouldn't it be nice to have someone go to those lengths for you? Just to be with you? :)

I am also reading a book by Robin Sharma at the moment - funny how it just kinda 'popped out' at me from my book shelf - all about following your destiny and finding the things in life that really resonate and are important - it's certainly acting as confirmation for the changes that are taking place in my life right now. I feel that I am really starting to ground myself in the 'here and now' and follow my instinct and realizing that there really is nothing to fear - we create all the little monsters ourselves really :) And it's just as easy to turn those thoughts on themselves and create positive ones instead. Feeling safe has always been a big thing for me - and also to be less adversely affected by what is going on around me - and I am beginning to get a handle on it and to truly belive in my own power.

I was listening to Abraham Hicks some mornings ago - sometimes I just switch it up and look for a new link - and I tend to find a playlist on youtube so that it can just run in the background as I am getting ready for work - I always pick up the pieces that are apt at that time. That morning Esther was talking about the 'wouldn't it be nice' idea. So all you do, if you are in a bit of a slump or not feeling your best, imagine 'wouldn't it be nice if.................' - and of course you end that sentence however you see fit. So I went with simple things that I could see the manifestation of quite quickly - 'wouldn't it be nice if it didn't rain on the way to work', 'wouldn't it be nice if the sun came out', 'wouldn't it be nice if I saw the cute guy at work', 'wouldn't it be nice if I had a huge surprise today'.

So I kid you now it went from pi$$ pouring rain to radiant sunshine on my way to work - and a few hours into the day, the cute guy walked by and said 'hello', and by the time I came home after my acupuncture session I was happily relaxed, just having eaten and sitting here wathcing one of my soaps. And then there it was - a 'tap tap tap' on my door - and I rarely get a knock at the door as I live in an apartment block for a start - and I asked who it was - and it was my landlady. And straight away I was like 'oh no what's happened, is it my car again? what's up?' - and I opened the door and there she stood with a pair of lovely clean cream bedroom drapes - she handed them to me saying that they were 'free of charge' - saving me $60 and that I should just pop the dirty ones in a plastic bag and give them back to her. I was so so so happy - I was beaming from ear to ear with a huge smile on my face and my eyes welled up - I was so grateful for this lovely kind gesture. Just a few days before, I had asked her how much it would cost me to dry clean the drapes as the ones in my bedroom were looking really grey and filthy - and I had only just begun to notice after getting my new bed - I figured it could not be good bedroom feng shui :) And here she was with the clean drapes - it made my day no end and I quickly got the old ones down and put the new ones up - it looks beautiful in my room now - it really is the little things - so go on try it - try the 'wouldn't it be nice if' game - and I call it a game as it's nice to be playful with it and have some fun. Just thinking about nice things shifts your mind set - and by shifting your mindset - you shift your vibration - and that's when magic happens!!!! :)

I shared this tale with the lady that lives just down the road from me - I will have to follow up with her and see if she tried it. So apart from that there is really not much else to share with you at this time - work is going well - I am beginning to feel appreciated and have been asked to set some goals and objectives for the next few months - first time I have ever really felt like I am setting some roots down in the workplace and making a difference. There is the usual day to day drama of course - oh and the other day one of the girls saw Liam Gallagher from Oasis from the window - we face a really fancy hotel - and there are often 'famous' people there - to be fair, I had more fun watching the little kiddie winkies in there little 'line up' with their blue rain ponchos on holding hands - they were all going in there to see the Christmas Trees - all lit up and fancy - so cute :) I remember how excited I used to get on school trips - packing my little 'kia-ora' and Ribena drinks - with an extra packet of sweets and a Club biscuit or two :) Awwwww thank God for those memories.

Went for a walk earlier - the sun has been out in full swing today - and I was listening to my tunes on my icube - I love that one 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol - and just as I turned the corner and looked up, there it was this huge expanse of sea, the mountains and the lovely white boats bobbing in the water and I got goose bumps - Life is Good - my friend used to say that to me - now I know what he meant - and as I was walking, I passed an old friend who met her beau in Africa - this Adonis of a guy who she used to chat with ever single day upon her return on Skype - and there they were a family now - her pushing the pram and him twisting the 2 year old in the air - she pops up in my life from time to time to remind me that miracles do happen - it's been a really lovely day.

Anyways, I must come to a close as it's 6pm on Sunday night and I'm hungry and have 4 episodes of Corr'rs to watch before I get tucked up in bed and listen to my regular Sunday night meditation :) Have a super week y'all and I will do my absolute best from here on in to write more often.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w


 

Waking from a sleep

It's amazing when you finally wake from a 'sleep' - asleep to life I mean - there's been a few BIG moments in the last few days for me. I sat at my desk about a week ago - with little to do - no fault of my own but just waiting for the $hit storm to arrive - it seems that we are always waiting for the 'sign off' from the 'powers that be' before we can make our own moves forwards. Not sure if the shift too has happened after 11-11-11 - there has to be some mention of that in here no matter how small. So anyways, back to sitting at my desk, I could just feel the anxiety kicking in - and I was starting to get really light headed - panic - my usual anxiety at work and wondering how long this gig is going to last - the day to day humdrum although I have to say that I do enjoy my colleagues - they're a nice bunch - but I feel that I should be doing more - I am not stretched and before the Universe delivers on this thought, let me also be clear that I am content to chug along until something better turns up - absolutely no more turmoil like the beginning of this year - and my desire to further myself will be on a part-time basis :)

So yes, I toddled off into the washroom and could literally feel the heat rising in my body - the panic was hitting me again - and I went back to my desk and had some 'rescue remedy' and then just knew that I had to get downstairs and get some fresh air - I had been absorbing so much of other peoples' crap that I just couldn't breathe - I found one of the comfy armchairs and it felt like the light fittings were just closing in on me - and I just couldn't 'see' clearly - it was like the lights were closer than they actually were and I knew that I was on the brink of an anxiety attack. I took the air into my lungs slowly and purposefully and put my little headphones in my ears and listened to my meditation music - closed my eyes - and after a few minutes caught hold of myself. And prayed - HARD! I was at a loss as to what had got me here - I know that things are on the cusp of a huge change for me - I don't know what that is yet - but I just know - the last time I had this feeling was when I was coming to Canada. That and the fact that I had been travelling at warp speed through the last two weeks - getting so much done. Then it hit me, just last weekend I found out that a very dear friend of mine is very sick - very very sick - and it toppled my world hearing that news in some way.

You can't help but look and reflect when something like that happens - at least for me - and I began to think of the other people that are in my life - separated by one or two degrees who are also going through a tough time right now - and I think it all just overwhelmed me - and I just felt all that panic. I had realized too that I had been pretty low in energy myself for as long as I could recall - almost since I got back from Australia - and after a few torrid events here in Vancouver and I just think that the stress of all that had just culminated over time. Funny that I looked into the 'health benefits' at work and found out that acupuncture sessions are covered - so right away I booked a session for the following evening.

I walked in there with my mile thick protection - dubious and dis-believing - what could this teeny tiny woman possibly do to 'fix' me - she was indeed beautiful - but very very softly spoken. She called me into one of the rooms and I sat on the bed while she was sitting on the stool - swinging my legs back and forth for a little while, she began to ask me what was I was concerned about - she already knew that I had a cold - virus thing - sinus thing too - and then she checked my pulse. She asked me what my energy levels were like - and I told her that for as long as I could recall it had been a real struggle to get up in the mornings - I was running on low - at a 3 out of 10 - with 10 being the optimum - and I then went onto tell her how sensitive and empathic I am sure, sure that she would think that I was a complete whack job - but to my absolute joy, she understood every single thing I was saying - and was able to piece me together. Assessing my body type, she was able to guide me on the nutrients that my body is lacking  in and then when I told her that I put a wall up to protect myself, she softly said "but then how do let in the magic?" - I swear I had tears in my eyes the size of cup cakes - ready to fall they were and I stopped them. And then she also said that living the way I am right now, I am functioning at bare minimum and if just 'believe' again and 'take chances' who knows what I will be able to achieve as I am capable of such great things. It was like going to see Katut in Eat Pray Love - my best friend will know what I mean as she reads this.

So today I was going to go see my friend in hospital - I woke up thinking I don't want to go, I don't want to go - and it's not that I didn't want to see him but the commute and the thought in my head that there would be other things that I would not be able to get done. But when I got his text that he was good to see me, I could not have been more excited.






Walking up to his room, my tummy was doing a tumble and my heart was beating so fast - I was so scared of what I might see - how I would react and praying that I wouldn't cry - and as I turned the corner to his room and saw his small frail body getting up to straighten himself on the bed, I realized how blessed I was to have him as my friend - to have shared life with him - and I can't lie, the horror of seeing him this frail did hit me and as I sat down it all just went away - and there we were two friends sharing two hours - and chatting about this and that - and me being the usual 'Question Master' - there's always so much I want to know - and then there was a moment that we shared that I will never ever forget - along with a book he had wanted, I found a stone on my book shelf with 'Friends' written on it - and as I gave that to him, I was so choked up and that was it, tears tumbled - and he asked me to hold his hand and his tears from his big blue eyes tumbled too - and that moment was priceless - and like a little girl all I could say was "you are going to be okay aren't you?". We shared tales - and I spoke of work and how it doesn't fulfil my heart's desires and he asked me what would, and I told him that I want to get into counselling, life coaching, really helping people, helping them to transition in life - to take the steps that I have taken and am still taking. He helped me to realize my passions today - and that time I spent with him today was a true blessing - I am so glad I went - and I pray so so hard that he heal and get well again - more than anything. He told me it doesn't matter who has the best lawn or the best house or best whatever - what matters is the people who are in your life - the Loved Ones.

So for you who are my Friends reading this right now - I want you to know that I LOVE YOU dearly - and funnily as I thought that as I parked my bum on my couch when I got back home, my friend who just recently moved to Colombia called me to say the exact same thing - so there you have it 'the power of love' :)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBDF04fQKtQ

And sorry guys, can't get rid of that yellow background - I've tried everything - grrrrrr!!!!!!

Home

Almost a year ago to this day, he phoned me - the barman - out of the blue. Funny thing was that I had been thinking about him just that weekend - I was sat here watching some show about women who go to this boot camp thing to help them to get over unhealthy patterns in their lives etc. This one made me fume because each woman was wearing a t-shirt with the word 'branded' on them - the word that their so called 'loved one' had called from - so something like 'chunky' or a 'bitch' or 'useless' - so harsh and hateful words - and as I say, he just popped in my mind and I could just feel the anger in me gushing out to the point that I wanted to punch him. So when I heard his voice on the phone a few days later I was absolutely gob smacked.

He had had a drink or two just to pluck up the Dutch Courage - or at least that's what he told me. Of course I just went in for the jugular - and just told him straight that he had been a complete a-hole to me all those years ago - and in usual dense dip $hit style, he started to laugh at me - that's what he always used to do to throw me off - but you know when you're in a better place in yourself and feeling more grounded and safer, you just see things more clearly - and that's exactly what happened.

So here he was trying to play some kind of jedi trick on me - something that would have worked hands down ten years ago - no fail! But he wasn't sure how to handle me this time. So he went in telling me that he was coming here to Vancouver in the Spring and would I like to see him. And then he asked me some personal questions to find out if I was dating someone. And then he hit me with it - "Remember when we were watching that episode of Friends? The one where they all agree to marry each other if they are still single at the age of 40? Remember how we had both promised to marry each other if we were single by the time we reached 40? It would be such a tragic shame if you never got married and had children - you were born to be a mother".

It was classic - a classic jedi mind 'assault' - lets just try and take her down - get her where it hurts - and of course when I 'held myself' and stood grounded and firm in my space, and said that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with him, he changed his tactic. I could not believe what I was hearing - I think there were a few times when I actually threw up in my mouth thinking about what he was proposing - because as sure as the sun rises in the sky, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than entertain the thought of having a relationship with that 'emotional freak'. So I was steadfast and stubborn in my response - making it clear that this was never gonna happen.

Then the trigger to his call came out - his mom had antagonized him on the phone a few days earlier - apparently she had ruffled a few feathers with one of his brothers - and was then accused of interfering. Which then led to her asking the barman whether she had ever intefered in his life - to which he replied without a blink "Yes, you came between me and the only woman I have ever loved" - meaning me of course. When he shared this with me, I have to tell you that my heart melted just a tad. I felt this overwhelming compassion for him and realized that he was in pain.

This was this poor wretched guy's last ditch attempt to win me back - and he had had to have a drink to muster up the courage to call me. I knew then how much it must have taken for him to make that call. And then as soon as I opened my heart to him, and saw him as a human in pain, he gave me the one thing I had been looking for for all those years after we parted ways. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that there had never been anyone in his life like me and that he deeply regretted the way he treated me - he was sorry for all the dreadful things he did and said. Poor guy. And I couldn't help it - I just cried - they were deep rooted tears - I cry like that only sometimes - it feels like a dam opens up and it's not even the amount but the concentration of the tears. They feel heavy as they fall. And I could feel my heart healing. I felt so sorry for those two kids who had met 20 years earlier - naiive and young - with their whole lives ahead of them. I felt his pain - and I realized that I didn't want to hurt him anymore - there were no more thoughts of vengeance or hurting him the way he had hurt me - we had just done the best that we could with the tools that we had at that time.

I don't know why this has been coming up for me the past few days - I think it's after I went to meet with a friend at a local convention just this past weekend - 3 times I went to her stall at the exhibition and 3 times she was too busy - and I was so hurt by this because I had made such an effort and was so excited to see her. I just wanted a big fat hug and to have some 'safe' time to talk and share with someone who knows where I am coming from. And as I walked away, I kept thinking that I would have created that time and space for someone - for a friend in that same situation - so why didn't she? - why was she so blocked to sharing that time and space with me? - and from sharing that love? - and then I remembered that what is happening on the outside is a reflection of what is happening on the inside - I was doing the exact same thing - I have after all the pain and hurt in my life built a fortress around myself that has been almost a mile thick if that is possible. I have not let anyone close since the barman - on some level even with all the low life things the Slovenian did, he still didn't stick a chance and I am reminded of that too when I want to be melancholy and wallow.

So it's time to be open to love again - time to be open to life - I was chatting to my colleague at work about it today - I have gone from one extreme to the other - from doing crazy things in my life and making ludricrous choices to putting myself behind bars - where nothing and no one can get in - all because it feels safe - really???? Sometimes when I pick a Goddess card and the Goddess Aine tells me to 'take a risk and follow my heart', that's when I feel this pang in my heart that makes me want to pack my suitcase and get a return ticket to Australia - and I bottle it every time - and I think that the reason I do that is because I still love him, that Slovenian - and I grant myself with the fact that we may or may not be 'meant' to be together - but imagine if I leave this life with him not knowing how I have felt all these years - that would be the most tragic thing of all. 8 years ago I didn't bat an eyelid when making that decision to chase his a$$ here to Vancouver and now I can't even muster up the courage to pick up the phone.

And some of this is not to be taken so literally - again it is just the story of what is happening on the inside - and as Aine says, I need to take that risk again - cos right now I am not living - I am passing time - if I was living I would be living my truth and on that beach in Bondii chasing waves and basking in the sun - if I was living I wouldn't have walked out of work with tears in my eyes today as I looked up at the dark 5pm sky and dreaded the thought of yet another Xmas alone - another Xmas without a loved one. Something has got to change!!!!! I need to figure out what that thing is going to be.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning with this song in my head - I didn't even know who sang it and hadn't even heard the whole song before until I found it on youtube that morning - I think it's divine :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjky7v7JIow

The 90's

It was 1990 - and at 19 she had no experience whatsoever of dating - I think in her mind it was just a simple case of seeing what was out there - no boundaries to write home about and no real inkling of what she was looking for. It was as though this guy had chosen her more than the other way around - he also said the same thing some years later, realizing that for her the 'man in her life' could have been just about anyone.

Just days after starting university, wreckless and with no real idea of what she was even doing away from home, she started to frequent the student's union. In those days she could get entry into the club, have drinks, and get a cab ride home - all for 5 British Pounds - talk about a cheap date! There was one guy there in her first week that had played a prank on her - pretended that he was one of the tutors at the uni and used that as a pick-up line - she was a green as they come and fell for it hook, line and sinker. She was living in a house with 3 other girls on the top of a really steep hill. There was a roundabout at the bottom of the hill, and the student's union just off to the right of that. At the other end, you would be veering up towards the airport. Not the prettiest place in the world and the house that she lived in wasn't all that either, and worse still the landlady lived just a few doors down.

She met the guy 3 weeks in - nothing special really - she had noticed him behind the bar - the barman - she had remembered his eyes - even now she can recall that there was a darkness to them - pupils dilated to the max, strawberry blond hair and a thick Irish accent. I think in hindsight there must have been some past life issues here that needed to be cleaned up for them both. Anyways that Monday evening was the Student's Night at one of the local nightclubs - so she had gone there with a group of girls - one girl in particular that she had met who was from Liverpool and another from Middlesbrough - even meeting all these new people with their thick Northern accents was new to her - the only thing that she'd ever experienced close to that was watching Emmerdale - not that she was ever into that show :) So yes, back to the Monday night at the club - she was dancing to 'Groove Is In The Heart' - bopping away she noticed that the guy from behind the student's union bar was there watching her - sipping his beer and watching her dancing - when she stepped away from the dance floor, he came over and started to chat to her - asking her if she was single or not - and she said that she was single - and that was that - there were of course no cell phones back in those days - but they had decided that she would meet him the next day after his shift behind the bar.

It was all so new to her - so exciting to be away from all those restrictions at home with her parents - to be free to do what she wanted to do. So day by day, and little by little, she began to see him more and more - never really sure about him - it never occurred to her to perhaps bide her time and see what else was out there - or in actual fact to concentrate on school instead. She would go home every weekend to be with her family - and slowly as the relationship deepened, he wanted her to stay there with him at the weekends too - so she gave that weekly visit home up too - just so that he knew she didn't have someone else at home. Silly really. Silly how much she gave up just to make things right for him - never having a thought for herself and what was right for her - but then she had never been encouraged to have a thought for her own desires, needs and wants - she had always taken care of everyone else so it was second nature for her. She didn't think twice.

Her relationship with her Dad and Brother began to change too - her Dad stopped talking to her as much - and the distance between them just started to grow - and her Brother started to block her out - out of his life and out of his heart - perhaps if this combination of events had not happened - and perhaps if she was actually able to tell her family about this guy, they would have advised her from the get go that he was not the right type of guy for her. You see it was already quite clear that he liked to drink and with the drink came gambling - he would be gone all day sometimes - in the bar - in a lot of bars about town - and then he would roll home in the late hours not knowing where he had been or what he had done - she put up with it. Clearly a red flag, but she knew nothing more than just to put up with it. And this went on day after day, week after week, month after month - until she was so deeply engrossed in the grips of this nightmare - stuck in a web - and not seeing a way out - not realizing her own self-worth, she shunned other advances from more suitable young men and stuck by this drunk.

On top of that - they had both begun to think that this was love - oh how naiive!! Love! It seems so ridiculous now - but they had both begun to tell themselves a story - this is what love looked like. In time she got the 'If you can't beat them, join them attitude' - that first summer apart from him was hell for her - 4 months apart and she counted every day down as if her life depended on him and what they had together. She wrote him letters and thought about him every waking second of every single day - she never heard from him once in all that time - not a phone call - not a letter - anyone else would have put a lid on the whole thing by now - and especially by the end of that summer - but no, she just carried on believing that he was the one she was meant to be with. She couldn't wait to get back to University - and even went back a few weeks earlier so that she could help out with him in the Student's Accommodation department - they got paid of course and it meant that she was able to be with him again. Something inside of her had broken though, the fact that he had made no attempt to contact her for all that time had devastated her - she thought she had meant more to him than that. But then when she found out that he was now smoking pot, it all started to make sense - it had become his life, listening to music from the 60's and 70's - sitting in his friend's room while he played the guitar and ate cold baked beans from the tin, it became clear to her why she had fallen of his radar.

Things were never really right with them both after that - as I said, she joined them too - there was nothing else to do - or at least it seemed that way to her - the whole of her world was now consumed in this crazy lifestyle - awake until the small hours of the morning - hunting for food in the cupboards - living in a house that she would not have been caught dead in when she was safe at home with her family, she completely lost herself - and I mean completely. Having never dealt with events from her childhood, and what was now happening at home with her family, the guilt she felt for leaving them, she began to get into a tripped out state so that it blocked out all her feeling and emotions and kept her in a cloud - in a fuzz.  And of course the early 90's brought about a whole new era in recreational drug use with house music and raves - it was everywhere you turned - it was now the norm - it was a new culture - with the music, came the drugs and with the drugs came the clothing, and with the clothing came the clubs and the rides down to London at weekends - and if not London then it was right there at the bottom of that hill. Raves in the middle of fields in the middle of the night - hundreds and hundreds of cars driven by kids who would find out where the rave was going to be at, and drive out in the middle of muddy fields to barns in order to dance the night away. The mid-90's just came and went in a spin.

It hadn't escaped her notice that her relationship was no longer working, or functional, or happy. The two of them had simply started to co-exist as they did not know any better - and she wasn't even sure whether she liked him anymore - in fact she knew she didn't. They would argue endlessly - but she was now living in his house - under his roof - there had now been years of this torment - and year by year it had ground her down to the point that she was just a shell - beautiful on the outside - but numb on the inside. Every day he would tell her how boring she was - how worthless she was - it had been years since he had taken her out for a drink or for dinner - she had begun to believe him too - I think anyone would if you hear the same thing over and over. And her life had become one of going to work, coming home and self-medicating with the smoke - she was in the darkest place in her life so far - and she was now only going home once a month. Her Brother had his own life now and didn't let her in at all - her Dad said nothing, they shared no more than twenty words when she was at home - he had shut her out - and all she did while she was home was count the hours until she could leave again - and leaving mean driving the 90 miles down the road to the other hell that she had created for herself. It wasn't long before she wanted to be gone forever - gone from the world - there were days when she would be in the car driving home from work where she would scream to God that she wanted it all to be over - and the truth is is that she meant it every time she said it. She didn't want to live anymore - consumed now in guilt and in so much pain that she could hardly bare it, she wished her life would end.


Some 9 years after they met - and after a drunken night and smashed windows - she sat in the spare room of the house that they shared rocking back and forth on the bed. With her head in her hands she realized that she had been on the verge of doing something that would have been tragic. Her cell phone rang and her friend asked her what was up - he could hear that something awful had just happened and intuitively knew that all was not well. She knew when she clicked the phone off to that call that her relationship with this barman was over - truly over - she would never look at him the same way again - talk to him the same way again - it was done - she had almost crossed a line - she was driven to almost cross that line - she began to understand what mental abuse led people to do, and she knew that it was over. He left a few weeks later - back to his home in Ireland - she stayed living in the house for a little while longer. Before she left her University town for good, he did come back once more - not able at that time to tell her that he was sorry for what he had done; it was clear to him now too that she was never coming back to him ever. She moved back to her family - and it wasn't long before she left again for a few months - this time to Australia - this time to Byron Bay - this time to meet the Slovenian.